Boredom! um...I mean, Be Still!

Day Three of No Facebook! I've not even peeked. Not once. And yes, I will be honest. I'm going a little crazy. Particularly since my job is what it is--boring. I've tried to busy myself with reading my Bible and other things. I actually finished a Christian Fiction book in TWO days but she (Neta Jackson) is one of my favorite authors and her books are always fascinatingly interesting to me. I've been with this storyline now for I think a total of 11 books--6 from the Yada Yada series, 4 from a spinoff series and now another spinoff series. I almost bought book 2 yesterday but I decided to not spend any money on it just yet. I'm still trying to be very careful with my expenditures. And I still have a lot of other things already that I need to read.

I do miss some people. But most know how to find me if they want me badly enough. Others, I'm probably better off not being kept abreast of their drama.

I've done a lot of prayer and reaching out to a few people that I have wronged. They were not easy letters to write. But God helped me through it and now it's done. Whether or not they forgive is really up to them and has no bearing on me whatsoever. The resolution in my heart is that I asked. I have one more person to reach out to and then I can honestly say "it is well with my soul".

I miss my Auburn fan but he apparently doesn't miss me and that hurts a little. I'll be fine. I've been through much worse. I just wish I knew what happened. It's the unknown and unresolved stuff that always bothers me no matter what it is.

I'm trying to focus on my health, my budget, the kids, making plans etc....it's just not my nature to not be busy all the time. Though I know it's good for me.

So I'm trying to "be still". Eighteen more days to go. I can do this.

Random thoughts...

Yes, I deactivated facebook again. We'll see how long it lasts this time lol. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit and the account is actually scheduled for deletion in 14 days so we'll see how far we get with my latest attempt at "going off the grid".

But I've been reading up a lot lately about spiritual warfare and actually speaking your dreams into existence! I've always been a little hesitant to do this, especially lately because when I have in the past and they haven't come to fruition, I've felt like a failure or at the very least, an idiot. But people change and so do dreams. I once dreamed of opening my own preschool but it's not my passion anymore. Honestly, I'm not really sure what it is. I have a direction that I want to take my career--back to Human Resources. But I'm not really sure that's what I'm "called" to do.

Other than writing, which I have a really hard time coming up with a plan for that other than this blog, I don't really feel strongly about anything anymore. I still love hearing adoption stories but I know it's not God's plan for me to adopt. I still desire to do short-term missions but don't have a strong calling for any particular area.

So I guess taking this time to fast, to unplug from as much as I can so that I can really hear from God and battle some strongholds that the enemy has over my life is my attempt at trying to get a clear vision for what His plan is. Please, please pray because I desperately need His direction.

I have applied to UNA for their Executive MBA program. I have applied for a job in HR with Protective Life. I want these things. But does God want these things for me?

I am dreaming of going to Israel next year with Church of the Highlands. Since I don't feel strongly about any area in need, I though maybe a pilgrimage to the Holy Land would be a good way to really make the Bible come alive for me in a new way.

I am dreaming of losing about 50 more pounds so that my knees and mobility will improve because I dream about hiking part of the Appalachian Trail and the Grand Canyon.

I am dreaming of becoming a women's ministry speaker and writer. I feel like the testimony of my divorce and my experiences since then will help some people. I know it's already helped a few.

I am dreaming of joining a ministry this Fall called DivorceCare in which I will gain some practical experience in leading those affected by divorce.

I am dreaming of falling in love again with the perfect man God has for me. Many people say that is my ex-husband and that God will restore us. I am not sure. I don't doubt for a minute that God can do it, I just don't know that that is His plan. Although he is still one of my best friends and I love him dearly, I still don't love him like a wife should and he knows this. Even if I did, he is not open to any reconciliation. Further, he is not a believer and until he becomes one (if he ever does), it would not be wise for either of us to remarry each other.

But regardless of who God chooses, I want him to not only be willing to pray with me, for me, hold my hand in church, be an upstanding man of good character and love me as Christ loves the church, he must also be fun, attractive, funny, full of life and energy, goal oriented and positive. I want to be passionately in love again. It's one of the best feelings in the world and I miss it. I got a taste of it recently. But it was simply with the wrong person, apparently. That's okay. I DO trust the Lord and will wait.

I just finished my Pastor's book, Fresh Air and I highly recommend it! I can't say enough good things but it will help you put EVERYTHING in perspective. Probably the most important thing I took away from it is that we worship God not for us, but for Him. I'm not sure how to put into words what I would love for you to understand but Pastor Chris does so please pick up a copy of that book! You will not regret it!

But I DO love the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength. I see His awesomeness everywhere I look. I truly desire to sing praises to Him (though I'm not sure my voice is such a joyful noise!) and to let the Holy Spirit take over my life--all of me for all of Him! I want the curses on my family lifted and I know that when I cast them out in the name of Jesus they MUST go!

I will live in prosperity in all areas of life. I will be able to be healthy and wealthy enough to help those who need it and will do all I can to further the kingdom. This I claim in the mighty and precious name of Jesus!

Be blessed!

Happy Birthday, Kayti!

This past year with Kayti has definitely been one of challenges. Between her therapy for her anger issues, body image issues, eating disorder, adjustment issues, etc. and her first boyfriend, that just happened to be one that influenced her to make bad decisions, it hasn't been easy for any of us.

But I am VERY proud to be her mom! She is dependable, smart and getting more and more confident every day in her ability to be a strong, independent young woman. She just started working at her first real job a few weeks ago and is eager to get her own bank account, her car fixed and flex her wings a little.

She is striving to score high on the ACT so she can be eligible for a scholarship to 'bama and is excited to move to T-town next year and live with her brother again.

She still proclaims her atheism. But I sense she is really just angry and struggling as I have at times myself. I know that seeds were planted very young and God's Word promises that nothing can snatch us from His hand once we are His. I'm standing on that promise and praying for her relationship with Him to be healed. I know He hasn't left nor forsaken her.

Happy 17th Birthday, Sara Kaytlan Quick! I love you VERY much!

Reaping what we sow

Coming off a great and relaxing weekend, I should be a little more at ease with things but somehow I'm not.  I'm reminded I need to pray more and really get a handle on my anxiety. For the most part though, life is good at the moment.

Had dinner with my a few of my bestest high school friends Friday night!

 From left to right, me of course, Angela, Allison, Toni and Aldona. I LOVE these girls! I've known Angela since kindergarten, Allison since 6th grade and Aldona since 8th grade and Toni...well I can't quite pinpoint when I started knowing her but she's always been around! We become close friends when she, Angela and I were in high school and were majorettes. But even though time and distance separates us sometimes (and thankful for facebook for bringing us all close once again) when we get together it's like no time has passed at all. We are the same silly girls we always were, talking about everything and anything and not holding back whatsoever!

That night, the "Auburn fan" came over and pretty much stayed with me all weekend. *sigh*  I don't know. He definitely has some issues. But then again, we're in our 40's now...who doesn't? Sometimes my common sense tells me to just let this one go. But then I start feeling like June Carter or something when I realize I already care too much. And sometimes, I feel like he cares more than he wants to admit. And other times I feel he's trying to pull away. And then I remember it hasn't been that long. And then I question well who cares? Feelings are feelings and they know no logic. Love (or any other emotion) isn't rational. So I guess the best that I can do is just to accept it for what it is and roll with it like D said!

I just hate that when I feel like God is trying to shut a door, He can't also help me immediately shut down my feelings! So then I start to second guess both Him and myself. 

And in a way, I'm reaping a lot of what I've sown! Let me explain...

If you want to go back in my blog a few years, I got involved over facebook (yes, it has it's pros and cons doesn't it?) with a man I went to high school with and secretly always had a crush on. It started out as a harmless flirtation but went a little too far. He was married. So was I. I had so much emotional turmoil going on at the time I couldn't see straight and though I tried hard to cling to what I knew was right, once again, I couldn't shut down my feelings and I went after him. Hard. Fortunately, he was married to one hell of a strong woman. She and God intervened and nothing came of it.  Hats off to you, girl! And I am deeply sorry for not at least respecting your marriage when I couldn't respect my own.

Nonetheless, I'm catching a little of what it feels like to be on the other end. I am not married to this person, haven't been dating long, there is no commitment or anything and maybe that's why I feel the way I do. But there is someone else with hooks in him and although SHE is married to someone else and lives in another country, she doesn't want to let go of her hold on him. Or at least that's how it feels on this end because there wasn't much contact until she found out we were dating. Maybe I'm just so over the top emotional that I'm a little bit jealous when I shouldn't be. And maybe that's another red flag. It's not the only one and it isn't even the worst. It's just gotten me to thinking about karma. And yes, even though I'm a Christian I believe in it. It's even in the bible it just isn't called that, it's called reaping what we sow and it's in Galations 6:7. But it's the same thing as karma--what comes around goes around!  And I guess we shall see just how much I get what I deserve. I can only pray that God continues to bless me far beyond what I deserve just as He always has.

On a more positive note, I got the opportunity Saturday to serve at Children's Harbor and division of Children's Hospital. They were putting on an indoor sports camp for children with illnesses and their siblins. I got to paint faces! It was a lot of fun!

I have also written my professional statement for graduate school. I'm waiting on a transcript from Jeff State (I don't know why they needed it since all the classes transferred to BSC and I GRADUATED from there, hello?) and a letter of recommendation which I have asked my old boss from Freedom Financial to write because he's so high profile! But I finally know what I want to do and I'm pumped!

I had a phone interview with Protective Life today that will put me right back into the field I left over ten years ago--Human Resources! I'll even be doing exactly the same job but with a different company. It went very well and I'm optimistic that it could be a major blessing in my life! I would covet your prayers!

I am also needing to sell Kayti's car asap to catch up on some bills I fell behind on during my two months of unemployment. It's a working and running car and still looks pretty decent and I'm only asking $1000. I don't know why I'm having trouble selling but you wouldn't believe some of the idiots I've talked to! I mean, what do you expect for $1000? And no, I'm sorry, I can't let you make payments! Ugh. So please pray that I sell it this week!

Be blessed!

Updates and thoughts

I got a job! I am a secretary/receptionist/bookkeeping assistant for Sauls Seismic, Inc. For those of you that don't know (because I sure didn't) Seismographs measure ground vibrations. This information is needed when someone wants to construct something major--like a bridge or interstate, dig deep into the ground--to mine or build tunnels, or to blast anything--like to mine or demolish a structure. This company makes and sells seismographs and also provides monthly readout services to various companies that do these things. We also do inspections for damages and  offer expert testimony in court or arbitration is it relates to anything that may concern blasting, mining, etc.

For the most part, it's a good job. It's not stressful AT ALL and everyone here is very nice. The only problem is it doesn't pay as well as my last job and I have no insurance as I'm on ITAC's (employment agency) payroll for six months. That is stressing me out! If not for that, it'd be the perfect job to have while I begin work on my MBA in the Fall.

Yes, I have applied to the University of North Alabama's Executive MBA program! I don't think I'll have a problem being accepted but waiting on all the paperwork to get to the proper places. It'll be totally online so no, I'm not moving to Florence. But UNA is a good choice for me because it's completely online. Alabama nor UAB (not that I would do UAB anyway) doesn't offer an online MBA program and I just can't bring myself to go to Auburn, even online! lol

Speaking of Auburn, I have been dating an Auburn fan for about a month! Yes, I know, you probably need to check the temperature in hell! But I really like him and for a minute or two, I thought it might be going somewhere. But some nosy people kinda put the brakes on that so who knows. I was very upset for a few days but I can honestly say that I've said my peace, done all I can do and have given it completely over to God. I am in no hurry for a "serious" relationship or commitment (i.e. engagement, marriage, etc.). In no way am I even close to ready for that. But I'm not the kind of person that can see multiple people at the same time. Yes, I know, two years ago, I cheated on my husband. But I was NOT with both at the same time and I confessed within two weeks and within a month had moved out. I'm quite certain my life would have been a LOT easier had I continued on as an adulteress until I got myself set up, etc. but that just isn't me.  So anyway, we'll see what happens. I ALWAYS pray for God to remove things from my life that aren't in His plan to prosper me and for me to have the abundant life I know He wants for me so I have to accept that He may be closing the door on this. And that's fine. At least I know I'm still capable of caring for someone else like that. And He will bring the right person at the right time, I know this.

In the meantime, I am praying about many things but two really big ones:

1) I am considering joining a ministry called DivorceCare. I've been asked to intern in the Fall and eventually become a facilitator! I feel very strongly right now that this is what He wants me to do. For a long time now, I have had a heart to share my testimony of the past two years with struggling marriages. I know when I was going through the issues at the time, I felt I had NO WHERE to turn. It isn't easy, especially for a Christian woman to confess feelings of lust, insecurity and no longer being in love with your husband to anyone, especially in the church. Many pastors/church leaders don't believe that a woman actually desires sex just for the sake of sex! You get told all this talk about "women just want to be loved, feel secure, be understood" etc. Well yes, but a lot of times, we just want to get laid! And sometimes, especially if we're lacking in sexual experience, we're curious about a lot of things that maybe we shouldn't be curious about but we still are.

"What is it like to be with another man? Is it really all that different person to person? Why can't I get excited about my husband the way I get excited about a celebrity? Why can't he get me off? Is it me or is he just gotten terrible?"

Those are just a few. And forgive me for being blunt but I do feel that sometimes, that's what is needed, within the scope of Scripture, of course and Scripture DOES address these things. But someone who hasn't been through it cannot point you to the right place.

I feel that the call on my heart was confirmed recently when I had two friends approach me recently asking about my divorce and was it worth it. They had similar feelings, concerns and issues and I was as honest with them as I could be. I had dear friends try and caution me before I made the biggest mistake of my life and I didn't (at the time I felt I couldn't--the force was just that strong) heed their warnings. I am praying that because I KNOW what they are feeling that they will listen to me.

If I can save ONE marriage or help ONE person to heal from the same experiences I had....I still can't bring myself to say "it was all worth it" but at least some good will come out of it.

2) I am considering going on a mission trip to Israel next year! I have ALWAYS wanted to be involved in short-term missions (sorry but I am too modern-worldly to become a long term missionary! I need to get my toes/nails done, sleep in a comfy bed every night and take regular showers!) I tried to go to Mexico last Christmas to work in an orphanage (I DO have a heart for orphans and it brings me so much joy to read and hear all about my friends who are able to adopt) but it was canceled because of the political climate at the time.

I don't really feel God calling me to a specific part of the earth like many people do. My friends, the Ferrills have a heart for China. My former pastor's family has a heart for Mexico. My daughter's heart is for Africa. I love the people of these places and also the Middle East and India. There isn't really any place I wouldn't go. But I just don't feel a strong call right now to any one particular region. So until I do, I think I would enjoy seeing the Holy land. To walk and pray in the same places Jesus did...I can't imagine how that could make the Bible come alive for me. I am and always have been fascinated by history and I am praying that if it is God's will, He will confirm it and work out a way for me to go.

So I'd appreciate everyone's prayers in those two areas!

The kids are doing great. School is out. Kayti is working part-time at Jack's and Brooke is trying to enjoy her last month of freedom before she has to start band camp. Kayti took the ACT again Saturday so prayers please for a very high score! She has already scored high enough to get into Alabama but we need scholarships so we don't have to do student loans! I am so excited for both of them and everything they have to look forward to at this precious time in their lives!  As for Dylan, he is staying in T-town this summer and I miss him greatly! But he continues to do well and amaze me as the most awesome son God made besides His own!

I continue to be blessed by my church! I have joined three more small groups besides Singles Serving Christ that I was already a part of.

One is a Divorce Recovery group that my friends, Jenny, Sharon, Madrina and Bruce are members of. The facilitators are wonderful and while I'm at peace with my divorce, I do want to examine a few things about myself, especially with regard to new relationships. We meet on Sundays at 11:30 so I get up and go to the 9:30 service and then to class.

The second is a hiking group that meets every Sunday at 1:15 (and some Saturdays) for a day hike somewhere. I am trying to prepare myself to one day hike at least part of the Appalachian Trail and the Grand Canyon. I also enjoy meeting people that share my interests.

The third is 50 Days to Prosperity and it is, as the name implies, a money management class. Lord knows I need that! I like to think I've done better and I have--no new credit cards in years. But there is so much room for improvement. I don't like living paycheck to paycheck. I'm not so much concerned with buying houses and fancy cars but I want to be able to go on mission trips without having to do fundraisers and give to causes and ministries I believe in and to go to the movies with my kids when they want and to be able to pay for the things they need and some of what they want without having to stress about it. I've done Dave Ramsey and still plan to do the Crown Financial class at some point but for now, this can't hurt.

My Singles Serving Christ group met the first Saturday in June and did yard work at Cornerstone school. I LOVE to cut grass. I know that's weird but I find it very therapeutic. I just push along, think about the kids that play on that grass, pray for them, talk to the Lord and before I know it, I can see results! I guess it satisfies, in some small way, my need for instant gratification! LOL We are meeting this Saturday to help with a Sports Camp for kids at Children's Harbor. I'm really excited! Even though I'm over wanting to work with them daily, I still like to be around kids and babies every once in a while! ;)

I am currently reading my Pastor, Chris Hodges' book, Fresh Air. I am about halfway through it and need to finish up because I need to loan it to someone and praying they will read it. But I just love Pastor Chris. He is truly anointed and in such a way that just makes me thirst after God's Word! He breaks everything down to where it's so simple that you're smacking your head going, "Of course!" But not only do I need to finish up to pass the book along, I have a LONG list of things I need to get to reading. I have just been in a reading slump lately. But maybe now that I've stopped doing facebook so much, I'll be able to focus more on it. I hope!

I have officially lost 25 pounds since March 1! This is the most weight I've ever lost and I'm excited and it makes me all the more motivated. I'm still walking Cosby Lake and doing Zumba and hoping to rejoin the Y soon so I can take advantage of the weights and swimming (Next Total Fitness just wasn't working out. The pool was always messed up and just didn't feel very clean. Plus it's not as convenient as the Y is for me so I guess you get what you pay for).  But other than trying to stay active, I have cut out soft drinks mostly, cut WAY down on alcohol, just eat whatever I want but smaller portions of it and I drink a LOT of water!

I guess that's about it for my life! Please comment below and tell me about yours!

Be blessed!