The hardest, saddest thing I've ever seen...

I'm racking my brain trying to remember if I've ever known a child that's died before. I don't think so. I don't remember hurting this much and he was just a kid from the daycare...I can't imagine, I really can't, what pain his mother is going through or his sweet little friends.

I was sort of surprised it was open casket...but it was. The makeup made him look waxy and the stiffness like a mannequin. I don't know why people who work in the morgue can't do very well on younger people. Old people always look like themselves. But I remember when Michele White died and how I couldn't accept that it was actually her because it looked NOTHING like her.

I tried to prepare Brooke beforehand--that he may not look like himself and that she may not want to go up but she did.

They had Brandon dressed in his Alabama cammo hat and lots of kids put those silly bandz and momentos in with him. There were two tables displaying his beloved Alabama jersey, his baseball jersey, his baseball helmet, glove and ball...several pictures.

Three different pastors spoke: the first was from the church where the service was held, the second, Cary Baker, used to be the Children's/Youth Pastor at FBC Leeds and he knew Brandon from taking him to Children's Camp for several years when Mary worked there. The last to speak was Brandon's youth pastor from White's Chapel.

They all did a good job but Cary did the best. He tried his hardest to focus everyone on celebrating Brandon's life and told several stories about Brandon and his antics! He played the Alabama fight song for Brandon because Brandon loved Alabama football (and would be so upset that they lost yesterday! As far as I'm concerned, things are just all jacked up in the spirit world right now! lol)

They did a slideshow of pictures of Brandon and played the sweetest songs: Toby Keith's "Cryin for Me", Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton, "When I Get Where I'm Going" and "Precious Child" which I'm gonna link below. I'd never heard that one before but it speaks volumes.

It as a long, hard day and when I spoke to Mary, I said the dumbest thing that people always say at these times, "I don't know what to say..." Somebody slap me! of course I don't--there's nothing I can say and that's exactly what she said to me. But I held her head close to my chest and kissed her repeatedly and was hoping the whole time that I could take away some of her pain...knowing I couldn't. In time, the pain will dull but it'll never go away. She'll just get used to it.

Then when the family went up to say their final goodbyes, Mary just lay across Brandon and it was the hardest, saddest thing I've ever seen. But also sweet. Only a mother understands this kind of love...at that moment, I didn't care about anything else. And right now, I'm not sure I do either.

I'm so completely confused about so much. I know that my kids are the most important thing and they always have been. How do I focus on putting them first--by making myself a happy parent so that I'm a better mom to them or making the best of things so that they'll be happy...

All I know is life is too short, way too short for some. And their happiness is my most important goal, just as it's always been. I just need prayer to direct me how best to accomplish that goal.

Rest in peace, sweet boy, you will be terribly missed but NEVER forgotten and your life has already accomplished so much for the glory of God. If that doesn't bring you pride and us comfort, nothing will.



Brandon with all the ASAP kids (including Brooke) and my bff Donna



Brandon in his favorite shirt with some friends outside the Academy



Brandon and his best buddies