an honest to goodness update...

I haven't posted an actual update in a while...just this 30 day challenge stuff, which has been interesting and fun, and a few other random thoughts here and there but since SO MUCH has happened I thought I'd journal it while I still remember it!

Sheesh, I don't even know where to begin...

Jeff and I are trying to work things out. We've been praying together and attending church/bible study, etc., talking more, trying to spend more time together. It's going okay...just gonna take time.

I had to have knee surgery September 15 and that has been hard. I was led to believe it would be an easy procedure and a simple recovery and that hasn't been the case. I knew I would never be able to run again but I thought I'd be returning to workouts a lot faster...my doctor is being extremely cautious because I have NO CARTILIDGE left at all. I'm trying really hard to follow his orders! But I have gained back three pounds and sunk into a deep depression at times because of sitting around so much. I guess it's true what they say--"exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands!" lol (Legally Blonde)

So I've made the decision to return to workouts this week, beginning Monday, I will have a whole new routine, providing I can work out the logistics (more on that in a minute). I got the go ahead from my doctor for the stationary bike and moderate weights so I'm gonna hit those hard and heavy. Hopefully I'll get to swimming soon and back to zumba! That's whats REALLY driving me nuts! I miss my zumba!

I did finally get a job! I am back at Clayridge teaching 5k. Donna decided their business and her husband needed her so she gave up her job and suggested to Debbie that she call me. She did and I'm so glad and so thankful. I have a wonderful class and am enjoying being back in the classroom again. I don't make much money but it's closer to home and it's DEFINITELY a much more positive environment than last year (except for all my sweet babies whom I still miss!). I'm picking up a few extra hours doing the after school program two days a week but we are still struggling, especially now...

Not long after my knee surgery, Jeff's grandfather passed away. We are heartbroken an missing him terribly. But wow--what a life! I have never know someone so humble, so genuine, so godly...and I know a lot of people!



There is not a saint, missionary, pastor, priest or other person on this earth who lives a greater Christian life than Granddaddy Roberts. I know it's not a contest but he was the real deal and you could tell it. He never said a word--he just LIVED it, for 88 years and married to the same woman for 71 of those. Top that! And he was ready to go and he went with such grace and dignity but it was still heartbreaking...

We barely had time to bury him when I received the news that a former student and co-worker's son had been hit by a car and not expected to make it. Children's Hospital said it was the worst case of head trauma they'd ever seen but he held on for awhile and the outpouring of support for his family overwhelmed ME. His mother has always had a hard life and struggled as a single mom. I was completely blown away by the number of MY friends who stepped forward to help her out--some I've not talked to in years--with prayer, kind words and financial support. I am truly blessed to know such wonderful, caring people and I have to believe that all this has been some kind of comfort or relief to the family. I simply cannot imagine losing a child like that. I've had two miscarriages and I grieve deeply for my lost babies but when I think about him being the same age as Brooke and think what if I lost her (or Kayti or Dylan) I simply cannot imagine how a person continues to function. Only through the strength and mercy of our Lord and Savior!



Brandon, age 4, when I first met him and his mother, Mary



Brandon with one of my friends and former co-workers, Caitlin...a year ago?



a more recent photo of Brandon taken by his friends

We were on our way to the hospital Saturday afternoon after Dylan's track meet up in Moulton when we had a blowout on I65 near Fieldstown Road exit in Gardendale. Dylan was driving and yes, he was speeding but not more than the flow of traffic. Not being a very experienced driver, he slammed the brakes and we started to swerve....then spin....I was screaming and cursing thinking "this is gonna be bad, this is it, we're gonna flip and it'll be all over..." but we hit the guard rail in the median which slowed us down some so we only tilted a little. But talk about frightening! It's truly a MIRACLE that we did not flip and die. The car (poor Dylan) may well be totalled, we won't know for sure until my dad can look at it. We DO know the radiator was busted but that's not a difficult fix and the passenger side front fender is dented (and obviously the tire!) And when I think about that I am filled with such mixed emotions that I cannot even put into words. We could have orphaned two girls (they were not with us), we could have been injured much worse (only I was injured--we hit on my side and the direction we were spinning was thowing me over onto Dylan so I have severe seatbelt bruising! I look like someone has beat the hell out of me with a baseball bat!) and I am truly thankful that we weren't. Then at the same time, I'm wondering why we weren't...why we were saved and not Brandon? That sweet, precious, innocent little boy who didn't get to live his life was taken from his mother and his friends and we, who have done dreadful things and CONTINUE to be so unworthy of the blessings we receive, survive. It's an indescribable feeling.

And yes, I know Brandon really got the ultimate blessing--he is safe in the arms of Jesus and that is what we should all desire and believe me, I do...eventually! In my spirit, I know that God has a plan. He has a reason for this and it will ultimately be revealed. I believe that He loves our children MORE than we do but it's just hard to imagine. And when I hear people say those things that I know are true, I just want to slap the shit out of them (pardon my language) but that's my honest feeling! What can I say, I experience a daily battle between the flesh and the spirit and sometimes, unfortunately, the flesh wins. Especially when it contains inside it a mother's heart. There is NO WAY I would want to hear those words if it were MY CHILD. I would be so unable to care at all about the numbers that will likely come to Christ because of Brandon. All I would want is to have him here with me and I know Mary has to feel the same way. God help her, she is living a nightmare...she is LIVING in Hell! Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Come quickly and deliver us from this heartache.

But I do see glimpses of God's grace here and there, especially in my own daughter. She knew Brandon from ASAP and while they were not particularly close she was fond of him. I remember being 17 when one of my best friends accidentally shot herself and died and that was the first time I'd ever had to deal with mortality. It was me realizing that "hey--we DONT live forever. It isn't just old people and sick people that die!" I cannot imagine what all these kids are thinking at such tender ages of 11/12. But it so blessed me to see how she has reacted. She has had the same feelings of "it's not fair" that I have had. Maybe not on such a deep level because she isn't a mother yet but she has expressed that "kids shouldn't die until they've lived their lives"! I know, hunny. I agree! But she's changed her profile picture on Facebook to Brandon's picture and without me saying a word to her, she's asked her friends for donations and sold Team Brandon Tshirts to help his family. She is forgoing her soccer game tomorrow to attend his funeral. I am so proud of her. What a heart of gold she has!

And she also has good judgement for she has picked some REALLY awesome friends. One of her little friends who lives nearby, didn't have enough money to buy a shirt--she only had $6. But she gave all of it willingly as a donation, not expecting anything in return, to help ease his family's suffering. It's just like a story right out of God's Word--she gave her all and even though it isn't as much as some people are giving, it's worth more to God! Wow! I mean, really what else can I say? Wow!

Over the same weekend, our homeschool group lost the parents of one family, leaving behind three children, two of which are friends of the girls.

The day after Brandon passed away, my childhood best friend's grandfather passed away. And there have been more that I've heard about that didn't affect me personally but I grieve just the same...it's like all of a sudden, God had a shortage in Heaven and did a huge soul harvest here on earth! And my (stinkin) flesh again, just wants to text God with "wtf?"

I am financially, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. Completely. And I don't have time to rest much physically and mentally so I do the only thing I know to do--turn to our Father and ask Him to give me rest in Him. And the strength to keep going. And the understanding to realize what mercy has been given to me and the wisdom to make better choices, to fill my mind with pure thoughts and not ponder on what the enemy tries to focus my attention on which is NOT in my best interests at all! I need the spirit side to win this time! I need God's provision but between me and others I'll gladly hang in there a while longer so others can have what they need, especially the Allen family.

I went to bed last night completely exhausted and feeling nauseous despite the fact that I'd only had a few cookies to eat all day long and Jeff made quesadillas for dinner. I went to bed at 7:30 but woke up at midnight unable to get back to sleep and here it is 4 a.m. and I'm STILL awake and feeling nauseous. The service is in six hours and I really need God's strength...as do many of us. It's going to be a rough day.