Confirmation

For the past several years...well pretty much since I had Brooke and made the mistake of having my tubes tied, I have been feeling like I was supposed to have another baby. At first it felt like someone from our family was just missing...and most of the time I attributed that feeling to my two miscarriages.



But for the past few years, several friends of ours have adopted or had more children and the urge to become a mother again has been so incredibly strong. I mean, hey, I know what I'm doing now! I've successfully raised (or nearly raised) three FABULOUS children. I survived the mistakes I made with them (or rather, THEY did! lol), know what's really important in life and have my parenting philosophy and beliefs firmly hammered down.



But there's a problem...to undo what's been done would require major surgery and then I would only have a 50/50 chance, which sounds stupid to me anyway--isn't it always a 50/50 chance? I mean, you either get pregnant or you dont....50/50!



But my chances were probably even lower given I had trouble conceiving the first five times. Once I got pregnant, everything was a piece of cake--easy, breezy pregnancies and deliveries and full-term, healthy, good, happy babies that nursed well and brought us so much joy.



So I briefly looked into adoption and/or foster care. We aren't equipped with enough space to adopt through the state or to foster and we aren't equipped financially to adopt privately, even internationally. Nor was Jeff on board with the idea of adding to our family anyway.



Yes, I'm a teacher and I LAVISH love on other people's kids and am blessed to be able to do that. But it's somehow not the same. You can only go so far molding and shaping the character of other people's children.



Yes, I have a nephew that I adore and is the love of my life! And if God forbid, something were to happen to his wonderful mommy and daddy, I would be there for him (though I'm sure I'd have to fight off two grandma's most of the time! lol)



So I've struggled with this issue, that this part of my life is nearing the winter season...my babies don't need me so much anymore and there's nothing I can do about it. I have prayed to God to show me how to handle it, to change my heart if it's not His will for me to have more children.



This week, I finally got my answer. And I'm at peace with it. The only way I will have more children is if for some reason, I end up marrying someone else and I inherit step-children! And I'm in no hurry to do that! lol



How did God show me? In His usual, practical ways! I did the 3's for aftercare on Monday because the person who normally does it didnt' want to anymore so they were scrambling to find a replacement. I needed the hours and have done the 3's before so I jumped at the chance. How I ever taught 3k for so long, I don't remember. My classes were always so good, so much more mature or maybe it was just that I was used to them and they were used to me but oh my goodness...I had forgotten what BABIES they are! A year or two makes a HUGE difference and I have gotten really spoiled to my 4's & 5's! I no longer have the patience to run potty every 5 minutes, to listen to crying over toys, to go through an entire box of tissues in an afternoon. Don't get me wrong--they are absolutely precious! I love their innocence and thei inquisitiveness. But thank God, the 4's & 5's still have enough of that for me! That's when it hit me...I do not want more babies!



And I'm quite okay with it. If God changes His mind again, then I'm sure He'll change mine as well and I'll deal with it. But I am loving me some big kids right now--my own and my class. Cooper's quite enough baby time for me!