Tonight marks the end (I'm hoping and praying) of the most miserable two months of my life! Tonight I made my big return to Zumba!!!!
Yes, it has been SEVEN--count them--SEVEN weeks since I was last at Zumba--the week before I found out I would have to have knee surgery!!!
Looking back I am thoroughly convinced that not being able to exercise like I was used to these past few months has been a major contributing factor to how rough things have been. I know it wasn't the cause of a lot of it. Much of it I brought on myself because I made poor choices and some stuff just happened...because it was part of God's plan, I'm told and I just have to accept that. But how I handled it and how I continue to handle things is totally up to me and I've been trying to cope without two of my major stress relievers--prayer and exercise!!!
Me and God are working on the prayer part. I'm still very angry with Him. He understands--we've been here before, He and I and we'll get through it. I still love Him and I know He loves me. And my pastor tells me it's perfectly okay to be "real" with God--He can handle it! Good thing! I know He'll eventually get His way--He always does. But I'm stubborn, the way He created me. I don't always want to make it easy on myself by going along with His plan. I'm a spoiled kid--I want what I want when I want it how I want it with who I want it and where I want it! My terms! You'd think after 31 years of belonging to Him I would learn that it's not on my terms---it's His terms. And like any loving Father, He knows what's best. I just have to trust Him. But I have trust issues so....
Anyhoo, I decided tonight would be my "return debut" because it was 80's night. I was guessing things would be a little more laidback than usual and that that would be a good time to ease back into it...I was right!
I had SO MUCH fun pickiing out my outfit--I went with a British shirt, thin Tee, but long like I used to wear them. Good thing leggings were a staple of the 80's wardrobe because they are a MUST for Zumba. I knew there was no way I could recreate my big hair of the 80's without cutting it so I pulled it up in a side ponytail and streaked it red!
It was so cool to see what everyone else wore, too. The 80's was definitely a decade of no defined style--pretty much anything went! There were fluorescent tights and leg warmers, mini skirts, long tulle Madonna-looking skirts, stripes and dots...everything! It was so funny!
We did our regular routines to "Mickey", "Flashdance", "Celebration", "Footloose" and much more! It brought back a LOT of memories even if I didnt hear Hungry Like the Wolf or Def Leppard! We were all laughing at each other and having a great time and I realized then how much I had missed it and how much my missing it had played a part in my attitude over the past two very tumultuous months. Between being forced to sit around because of knee surgery, being unemployed, experiencing the loss of a precious child, struggling family relationships and friendships and a car wreck--I have really missed my endorphins! No other hobby gives me what zumba/exercise gives me and I've tried it all! Nothing wrong with any of it, I still enjoy many of them whenever I have time but there is no comparison when it comes to the benefits--physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
And my knee performed fine! Heck I've put more pressure on it when Jeff, friends and I have been out dancing just for fun! I will be wrapping it Monday though--I expect to push it a little harder!
And so begins the road to recovery...REAL recovery. Finally!
And of course, there are pictures and I will post them as soon as I can!
:D
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Random thoughts and updates
This week is a short week in the world of Kindergarten. We were out of school Monday because we follow Jefferson County schools calendar and they had a teacher workday. I did work Monday afternoon in the school age room for a few hours though. Then tomorrow is our "Fall Fun Day" so we'll be having all sorts of fun all day long--no work! I usually look forward to this kind of thing but with this bunch of kids, I never know what to expect. I'm just glad it's a short day for me!
Big changes are coming up in the world of me. I can't say what they all are right now...details have to be worked out, people informed, etc. etc. But I am excited to be involved in some things coming up. Friday we are celebrating one of Dylan's best friend's 18th birthday. Did I actually just say that out loud? OMG Where does the time go? Sunday I'll be out in Moody working at a baseball tournament in honor of my sweet Brandon.
Kayti is excited about her first "high school" dance coming up next Friday and we are headed to Dry Riders to see Fourth and One play. Then we're headed to Tannehill to camp for the weekend. The first weekend in November is a music festival, also held in honor of the sweet boy we recently lost and I'm committed to helping out with that and looking forward to it.
My own baby boy turns 18 November 13 and he has elected to tailgate for his birthday! That's my boy! We officially submitted his application to the University of Alabama this week and are anxiously awaiting the results. I've no doubt he'll be accepted--just hoping for some scholarship offers!
My friends, the Ferrill's are having another Rock-a-thon to raise money for New Day Foster Home in China where they adopted sweet little Kevin on November 19 and since it's not at Clearview this year I am looking forward to it. The very next morning we are headed to officially tour the campus at Alabama! Two days after that, we are headed to tour UAH.
Seems like there's more and I'm sure there is...I dont know how I keep everything straight anymore! Just trying to focus on the positive!
Be blessed!
Big changes are coming up in the world of me. I can't say what they all are right now...details have to be worked out, people informed, etc. etc. But I am excited to be involved in some things coming up. Friday we are celebrating one of Dylan's best friend's 18th birthday. Did I actually just say that out loud? OMG Where does the time go? Sunday I'll be out in Moody working at a baseball tournament in honor of my sweet Brandon.
Kayti is excited about her first "high school" dance coming up next Friday and we are headed to Dry Riders to see Fourth and One play. Then we're headed to Tannehill to camp for the weekend. The first weekend in November is a music festival, also held in honor of the sweet boy we recently lost and I'm committed to helping out with that and looking forward to it.
My own baby boy turns 18 November 13 and he has elected to tailgate for his birthday! That's my boy! We officially submitted his application to the University of Alabama this week and are anxiously awaiting the results. I've no doubt he'll be accepted--just hoping for some scholarship offers!
My friends, the Ferrill's are having another Rock-a-thon to raise money for New Day Foster Home in China where they adopted sweet little Kevin on November 19 and since it's not at Clearview this year I am looking forward to it. The very next morning we are headed to officially tour the campus at Alabama! Two days after that, we are headed to tour UAH.
Seems like there's more and I'm sure there is...I dont know how I keep everything straight anymore! Just trying to focus on the positive!
Be blessed!
Monday, October 18, 2010
30 Day Challenge Day 30
"Who are you?"
I am...complicated!
I am a child of God and a friend of Jesus.
I am a woman that loves lots of people and lots of things (not material things, things like the sound laughter--especially when it comes from one of my children, the drool of a baby, the smell of a campfire, etc.)
I am a mother with three amazing kids and a heart for other mothers.
I am a writer who prays that God uses her written words to minister to others as He needs to.
I am a teacher who prays that I God will work through me to reach each child I'm entrusted with for whatever purpose He has for them.
I am a daughter with amazing parents.
I am a sister with the best sisters ever!
I am a friend with fabulous friends.
I am a human being that makes mistakes--sometimes repeatedly--and doesn't always seek after the right things but always has the best intentions.
I am a person who enjoys life but knows things in this world are temporary.
I am Michelle...and that's all I have to be.
I am...complicated!
I am a child of God and a friend of Jesus.
I am a woman that loves lots of people and lots of things (not material things, things like the sound laughter--especially when it comes from one of my children, the drool of a baby, the smell of a campfire, etc.)
I am a mother with three amazing kids and a heart for other mothers.
I am a writer who prays that God uses her written words to minister to others as He needs to.
I am a teacher who prays that I God will work through me to reach each child I'm entrusted with for whatever purpose He has for them.
I am a daughter with amazing parents.
I am a sister with the best sisters ever!
I am a friend with fabulous friends.
I am a human being that makes mistakes--sometimes repeatedly--and doesn't always seek after the right things but always has the best intentions.
I am a person who enjoys life but knows things in this world are temporary.
I am Michelle...and that's all I have to be.
30 Day Challenge Day 29
"In this past month, what have you learned?"
First and foremost that life is too short to not be happy and to NEVER take anything for gratned. To enjoy every moment and live in the moment because it may be your last.
I've also learned that God loves you where you are and He'll lead you till you're back in His arms again. Sometimes, it just takes awhile.
First and foremost that life is too short to not be happy and to NEVER take anything for gratned. To enjoy every moment and live in the moment because it may be your last.
I've also learned that God loves you where you are and He'll lead you till you're back in His arms again. Sometimes, it just takes awhile.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The hardest, saddest thing I've ever seen...
I'm racking my brain trying to remember if I've ever known a child that's died before. I don't think so. I don't remember hurting this much and he was just a kid from the daycare...I can't imagine, I really can't, what pain his mother is going through or his sweet little friends.
I was sort of surprised it was open casket...but it was. The makeup made him look waxy and the stiffness like a mannequin. I don't know why people who work in the morgue can't do very well on younger people. Old people always look like themselves. But I remember when Michele White died and how I couldn't accept that it was actually her because it looked NOTHING like her.
I tried to prepare Brooke beforehand--that he may not look like himself and that she may not want to go up but she did.
They had Brandon dressed in his Alabama cammo hat and lots of kids put those silly bandz and momentos in with him. There were two tables displaying his beloved Alabama jersey, his baseball jersey, his baseball helmet, glove and ball...several pictures.
Three different pastors spoke: the first was from the church where the service was held, the second, Cary Baker, used to be the Children's/Youth Pastor at FBC Leeds and he knew Brandon from taking him to Children's Camp for several years when Mary worked there. The last to speak was Brandon's youth pastor from White's Chapel.
They all did a good job but Cary did the best. He tried his hardest to focus everyone on celebrating Brandon's life and told several stories about Brandon and his antics! He played the Alabama fight song for Brandon because Brandon loved Alabama football (and would be so upset that they lost yesterday! As far as I'm concerned, things are just all jacked up in the spirit world right now! lol)
They did a slideshow of pictures of Brandon and played the sweetest songs: Toby Keith's "Cryin for Me", Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton, "When I Get Where I'm Going" and "Precious Child" which I'm gonna link below. I'd never heard that one before but it speaks volumes.
It as a long, hard day and when I spoke to Mary, I said the dumbest thing that people always say at these times, "I don't know what to say..." Somebody slap me! of course I don't--there's nothing I can say and that's exactly what she said to me. But I held her head close to my chest and kissed her repeatedly and was hoping the whole time that I could take away some of her pain...knowing I couldn't. In time, the pain will dull but it'll never go away. She'll just get used to it.
Then when the family went up to say their final goodbyes, Mary just lay across Brandon and it was the hardest, saddest thing I've ever seen. But also sweet. Only a mother understands this kind of love...at that moment, I didn't care about anything else. And right now, I'm not sure I do either.
I'm so completely confused about so much. I know that my kids are the most important thing and they always have been. How do I focus on putting them first--by making myself a happy parent so that I'm a better mom to them or making the best of things so that they'll be happy...
All I know is life is too short, way too short for some. And their happiness is my most important goal, just as it's always been. I just need prayer to direct me how best to accomplish that goal.
Rest in peace, sweet boy, you will be terribly missed but NEVER forgotten and your life has already accomplished so much for the glory of God. If that doesn't bring you pride and us comfort, nothing will.
Brandon with all the ASAP kids (including Brooke) and my bff Donna
Brandon in his favorite shirt with some friends outside the Academy
Brandon and his best buddies
I was sort of surprised it was open casket...but it was. The makeup made him look waxy and the stiffness like a mannequin. I don't know why people who work in the morgue can't do very well on younger people. Old people always look like themselves. But I remember when Michele White died and how I couldn't accept that it was actually her because it looked NOTHING like her.
I tried to prepare Brooke beforehand--that he may not look like himself and that she may not want to go up but she did.
They had Brandon dressed in his Alabama cammo hat and lots of kids put those silly bandz and momentos in with him. There were two tables displaying his beloved Alabama jersey, his baseball jersey, his baseball helmet, glove and ball...several pictures.
Three different pastors spoke: the first was from the church where the service was held, the second, Cary Baker, used to be the Children's/Youth Pastor at FBC Leeds and he knew Brandon from taking him to Children's Camp for several years when Mary worked there. The last to speak was Brandon's youth pastor from White's Chapel.
They all did a good job but Cary did the best. He tried his hardest to focus everyone on celebrating Brandon's life and told several stories about Brandon and his antics! He played the Alabama fight song for Brandon because Brandon loved Alabama football (and would be so upset that they lost yesterday! As far as I'm concerned, things are just all jacked up in the spirit world right now! lol)
They did a slideshow of pictures of Brandon and played the sweetest songs: Toby Keith's "Cryin for Me", Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton, "When I Get Where I'm Going" and "Precious Child" which I'm gonna link below. I'd never heard that one before but it speaks volumes.
It as a long, hard day and when I spoke to Mary, I said the dumbest thing that people always say at these times, "I don't know what to say..." Somebody slap me! of course I don't--there's nothing I can say and that's exactly what she said to me. But I held her head close to my chest and kissed her repeatedly and was hoping the whole time that I could take away some of her pain...knowing I couldn't. In time, the pain will dull but it'll never go away. She'll just get used to it.
Then when the family went up to say their final goodbyes, Mary just lay across Brandon and it was the hardest, saddest thing I've ever seen. But also sweet. Only a mother understands this kind of love...at that moment, I didn't care about anything else. And right now, I'm not sure I do either.
I'm so completely confused about so much. I know that my kids are the most important thing and they always have been. How do I focus on putting them first--by making myself a happy parent so that I'm a better mom to them or making the best of things so that they'll be happy...
All I know is life is too short, way too short for some. And their happiness is my most important goal, just as it's always been. I just need prayer to direct me how best to accomplish that goal.
Rest in peace, sweet boy, you will be terribly missed but NEVER forgotten and your life has already accomplished so much for the glory of God. If that doesn't bring you pride and us comfort, nothing will.
Brandon with all the ASAP kids (including Brooke) and my bff Donna
Brandon in his favorite shirt with some friends outside the Academy
Brandon and his best buddies
Saturday, October 9, 2010
an honest to goodness update...
I haven't posted an actual update in a while...just this 30 day challenge stuff, which has been interesting and fun, and a few other random thoughts here and there but since SO MUCH has happened I thought I'd journal it while I still remember it!
Sheesh, I don't even know where to begin...
Jeff and I are trying to work things out. We've been praying together and attending church/bible study, etc., talking more, trying to spend more time together. It's going okay...just gonna take time.
I had to have knee surgery September 15 and that has been hard. I was led to believe it would be an easy procedure and a simple recovery and that hasn't been the case. I knew I would never be able to run again but I thought I'd be returning to workouts a lot faster...my doctor is being extremely cautious because I have NO CARTILIDGE left at all. I'm trying really hard to follow his orders! But I have gained back three pounds and sunk into a deep depression at times because of sitting around so much. I guess it's true what they say--"exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands!" lol (Legally Blonde)
So I've made the decision to return to workouts this week, beginning Monday, I will have a whole new routine, providing I can work out the logistics (more on that in a minute). I got the go ahead from my doctor for the stationary bike and moderate weights so I'm gonna hit those hard and heavy. Hopefully I'll get to swimming soon and back to zumba! That's whats REALLY driving me nuts! I miss my zumba!
I did finally get a job! I am back at Clayridge teaching 5k. Donna decided their business and her husband needed her so she gave up her job and suggested to Debbie that she call me. She did and I'm so glad and so thankful. I have a wonderful class and am enjoying being back in the classroom again. I don't make much money but it's closer to home and it's DEFINITELY a much more positive environment than last year (except for all my sweet babies whom I still miss!). I'm picking up a few extra hours doing the after school program two days a week but we are still struggling, especially now...
Not long after my knee surgery, Jeff's grandfather passed away. We are heartbroken an missing him terribly. But wow--what a life! I have never know someone so humble, so genuine, so godly...and I know a lot of people!
There is not a saint, missionary, pastor, priest or other person on this earth who lives a greater Christian life than Granddaddy Roberts. I know it's not a contest but he was the real deal and you could tell it. He never said a word--he just LIVED it, for 88 years and married to the same woman for 71 of those. Top that! And he was ready to go and he went with such grace and dignity but it was still heartbreaking...
We barely had time to bury him when I received the news that a former student and co-worker's son had been hit by a car and not expected to make it. Children's Hospital said it was the worst case of head trauma they'd ever seen but he held on for awhile and the outpouring of support for his family overwhelmed ME. His mother has always had a hard life and struggled as a single mom. I was completely blown away by the number of MY friends who stepped forward to help her out--some I've not talked to in years--with prayer, kind words and financial support. I am truly blessed to know such wonderful, caring people and I have to believe that all this has been some kind of comfort or relief to the family. I simply cannot imagine losing a child like that. I've had two miscarriages and I grieve deeply for my lost babies but when I think about him being the same age as Brooke and think what if I lost her (or Kayti or Dylan) I simply cannot imagine how a person continues to function. Only through the strength and mercy of our Lord and Savior!
Brandon, age 4, when I first met him and his mother, Mary
Brandon with one of my friends and former co-workers, Caitlin...a year ago?
a more recent photo of Brandon taken by his friends
We were on our way to the hospital Saturday afternoon after Dylan's track meet up in Moulton when we had a blowout on I65 near Fieldstown Road exit in Gardendale. Dylan was driving and yes, he was speeding but not more than the flow of traffic. Not being a very experienced driver, he slammed the brakes and we started to swerve....then spin....I was screaming and cursing thinking "this is gonna be bad, this is it, we're gonna flip and it'll be all over..." but we hit the guard rail in the median which slowed us down some so we only tilted a little. But talk about frightening! It's truly a MIRACLE that we did not flip and die. The car (poor Dylan) may well be totalled, we won't know for sure until my dad can look at it. We DO know the radiator was busted but that's not a difficult fix and the passenger side front fender is dented (and obviously the tire!) And when I think about that I am filled with such mixed emotions that I cannot even put into words. We could have orphaned two girls (they were not with us), we could have been injured much worse (only I was injured--we hit on my side and the direction we were spinning was thowing me over onto Dylan so I have severe seatbelt bruising! I look like someone has beat the hell out of me with a baseball bat!) and I am truly thankful that we weren't. Then at the same time, I'm wondering why we weren't...why we were saved and not Brandon? That sweet, precious, innocent little boy who didn't get to live his life was taken from his mother and his friends and we, who have done dreadful things and CONTINUE to be so unworthy of the blessings we receive, survive. It's an indescribable feeling.
And yes, I know Brandon really got the ultimate blessing--he is safe in the arms of Jesus and that is what we should all desire and believe me, I do...eventually! In my spirit, I know that God has a plan. He has a reason for this and it will ultimately be revealed. I believe that He loves our children MORE than we do but it's just hard to imagine. And when I hear people say those things that I know are true, I just want to slap the shit out of them (pardon my language) but that's my honest feeling! What can I say, I experience a daily battle between the flesh and the spirit and sometimes, unfortunately, the flesh wins. Especially when it contains inside it a mother's heart. There is NO WAY I would want to hear those words if it were MY CHILD. I would be so unable to care at all about the numbers that will likely come to Christ because of Brandon. All I would want is to have him here with me and I know Mary has to feel the same way. God help her, she is living a nightmare...she is LIVING in Hell! Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Come quickly and deliver us from this heartache.
But I do see glimpses of God's grace here and there, especially in my own daughter. She knew Brandon from ASAP and while they were not particularly close she was fond of him. I remember being 17 when one of my best friends accidentally shot herself and died and that was the first time I'd ever had to deal with mortality. It was me realizing that "hey--we DONT live forever. It isn't just old people and sick people that die!" I cannot imagine what all these kids are thinking at such tender ages of 11/12. But it so blessed me to see how she has reacted. She has had the same feelings of "it's not fair" that I have had. Maybe not on such a deep level because she isn't a mother yet but she has expressed that "kids shouldn't die until they've lived their lives"! I know, hunny. I agree! But she's changed her profile picture on Facebook to Brandon's picture and without me saying a word to her, she's asked her friends for donations and sold Team Brandon Tshirts to help his family. She is forgoing her soccer game tomorrow to attend his funeral. I am so proud of her. What a heart of gold she has!
And she also has good judgement for she has picked some REALLY awesome friends. One of her little friends who lives nearby, didn't have enough money to buy a shirt--she only had $6. But she gave all of it willingly as a donation, not expecting anything in return, to help ease his family's suffering. It's just like a story right out of God's Word--she gave her all and even though it isn't as much as some people are giving, it's worth more to God! Wow! I mean, really what else can I say? Wow!
Over the same weekend, our homeschool group lost the parents of one family, leaving behind three children, two of which are friends of the girls.
The day after Brandon passed away, my childhood best friend's grandfather passed away. And there have been more that I've heard about that didn't affect me personally but I grieve just the same...it's like all of a sudden, God had a shortage in Heaven and did a huge soul harvest here on earth! And my (stinkin) flesh again, just wants to text God with "wtf?"
I am financially, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. Completely. And I don't have time to rest much physically and mentally so I do the only thing I know to do--turn to our Father and ask Him to give me rest in Him. And the strength to keep going. And the understanding to realize what mercy has been given to me and the wisdom to make better choices, to fill my mind with pure thoughts and not ponder on what the enemy tries to focus my attention on which is NOT in my best interests at all! I need the spirit side to win this time! I need God's provision but between me and others I'll gladly hang in there a while longer so others can have what they need, especially the Allen family.
I went to bed last night completely exhausted and feeling nauseous despite the fact that I'd only had a few cookies to eat all day long and Jeff made quesadillas for dinner. I went to bed at 7:30 but woke up at midnight unable to get back to sleep and here it is 4 a.m. and I'm STILL awake and feeling nauseous. The service is in six hours and I really need God's strength...as do many of us. It's going to be a rough day.
Sheesh, I don't even know where to begin...
Jeff and I are trying to work things out. We've been praying together and attending church/bible study, etc., talking more, trying to spend more time together. It's going okay...just gonna take time.
I had to have knee surgery September 15 and that has been hard. I was led to believe it would be an easy procedure and a simple recovery and that hasn't been the case. I knew I would never be able to run again but I thought I'd be returning to workouts a lot faster...my doctor is being extremely cautious because I have NO CARTILIDGE left at all. I'm trying really hard to follow his orders! But I have gained back three pounds and sunk into a deep depression at times because of sitting around so much. I guess it's true what they say--"exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands!" lol (Legally Blonde)
So I've made the decision to return to workouts this week, beginning Monday, I will have a whole new routine, providing I can work out the logistics (more on that in a minute). I got the go ahead from my doctor for the stationary bike and moderate weights so I'm gonna hit those hard and heavy. Hopefully I'll get to swimming soon and back to zumba! That's whats REALLY driving me nuts! I miss my zumba!
I did finally get a job! I am back at Clayridge teaching 5k. Donna decided their business and her husband needed her so she gave up her job and suggested to Debbie that she call me. She did and I'm so glad and so thankful. I have a wonderful class and am enjoying being back in the classroom again. I don't make much money but it's closer to home and it's DEFINITELY a much more positive environment than last year (except for all my sweet babies whom I still miss!). I'm picking up a few extra hours doing the after school program two days a week but we are still struggling, especially now...
Not long after my knee surgery, Jeff's grandfather passed away. We are heartbroken an missing him terribly. But wow--what a life! I have never know someone so humble, so genuine, so godly...and I know a lot of people!
There is not a saint, missionary, pastor, priest or other person on this earth who lives a greater Christian life than Granddaddy Roberts. I know it's not a contest but he was the real deal and you could tell it. He never said a word--he just LIVED it, for 88 years and married to the same woman for 71 of those. Top that! And he was ready to go and he went with such grace and dignity but it was still heartbreaking...
We barely had time to bury him when I received the news that a former student and co-worker's son had been hit by a car and not expected to make it. Children's Hospital said it was the worst case of head trauma they'd ever seen but he held on for awhile and the outpouring of support for his family overwhelmed ME. His mother has always had a hard life and struggled as a single mom. I was completely blown away by the number of MY friends who stepped forward to help her out--some I've not talked to in years--with prayer, kind words and financial support. I am truly blessed to know such wonderful, caring people and I have to believe that all this has been some kind of comfort or relief to the family. I simply cannot imagine losing a child like that. I've had two miscarriages and I grieve deeply for my lost babies but when I think about him being the same age as Brooke and think what if I lost her (or Kayti or Dylan) I simply cannot imagine how a person continues to function. Only through the strength and mercy of our Lord and Savior!
Brandon, age 4, when I first met him and his mother, Mary
Brandon with one of my friends and former co-workers, Caitlin...a year ago?
a more recent photo of Brandon taken by his friends
We were on our way to the hospital Saturday afternoon after Dylan's track meet up in Moulton when we had a blowout on I65 near Fieldstown Road exit in Gardendale. Dylan was driving and yes, he was speeding but not more than the flow of traffic. Not being a very experienced driver, he slammed the brakes and we started to swerve....then spin....I was screaming and cursing thinking "this is gonna be bad, this is it, we're gonna flip and it'll be all over..." but we hit the guard rail in the median which slowed us down some so we only tilted a little. But talk about frightening! It's truly a MIRACLE that we did not flip and die. The car (poor Dylan) may well be totalled, we won't know for sure until my dad can look at it. We DO know the radiator was busted but that's not a difficult fix and the passenger side front fender is dented (and obviously the tire!) And when I think about that I am filled with such mixed emotions that I cannot even put into words. We could have orphaned two girls (they were not with us), we could have been injured much worse (only I was injured--we hit on my side and the direction we were spinning was thowing me over onto Dylan so I have severe seatbelt bruising! I look like someone has beat the hell out of me with a baseball bat!) and I am truly thankful that we weren't. Then at the same time, I'm wondering why we weren't...why we were saved and not Brandon? That sweet, precious, innocent little boy who didn't get to live his life was taken from his mother and his friends and we, who have done dreadful things and CONTINUE to be so unworthy of the blessings we receive, survive. It's an indescribable feeling.
And yes, I know Brandon really got the ultimate blessing--he is safe in the arms of Jesus and that is what we should all desire and believe me, I do...eventually! In my spirit, I know that God has a plan. He has a reason for this and it will ultimately be revealed. I believe that He loves our children MORE than we do but it's just hard to imagine. And when I hear people say those things that I know are true, I just want to slap the shit out of them (pardon my language) but that's my honest feeling! What can I say, I experience a daily battle between the flesh and the spirit and sometimes, unfortunately, the flesh wins. Especially when it contains inside it a mother's heart. There is NO WAY I would want to hear those words if it were MY CHILD. I would be so unable to care at all about the numbers that will likely come to Christ because of Brandon. All I would want is to have him here with me and I know Mary has to feel the same way. God help her, she is living a nightmare...she is LIVING in Hell! Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Come quickly and deliver us from this heartache.
But I do see glimpses of God's grace here and there, especially in my own daughter. She knew Brandon from ASAP and while they were not particularly close she was fond of him. I remember being 17 when one of my best friends accidentally shot herself and died and that was the first time I'd ever had to deal with mortality. It was me realizing that "hey--we DONT live forever. It isn't just old people and sick people that die!" I cannot imagine what all these kids are thinking at such tender ages of 11/12. But it so blessed me to see how she has reacted. She has had the same feelings of "it's not fair" that I have had. Maybe not on such a deep level because she isn't a mother yet but she has expressed that "kids shouldn't die until they've lived their lives"! I know, hunny. I agree! But she's changed her profile picture on Facebook to Brandon's picture and without me saying a word to her, she's asked her friends for donations and sold Team Brandon Tshirts to help his family. She is forgoing her soccer game tomorrow to attend his funeral. I am so proud of her. What a heart of gold she has!
And she also has good judgement for she has picked some REALLY awesome friends. One of her little friends who lives nearby, didn't have enough money to buy a shirt--she only had $6. But she gave all of it willingly as a donation, not expecting anything in return, to help ease his family's suffering. It's just like a story right out of God's Word--she gave her all and even though it isn't as much as some people are giving, it's worth more to God! Wow! I mean, really what else can I say? Wow!
Over the same weekend, our homeschool group lost the parents of one family, leaving behind three children, two of which are friends of the girls.
The day after Brandon passed away, my childhood best friend's grandfather passed away. And there have been more that I've heard about that didn't affect me personally but I grieve just the same...it's like all of a sudden, God had a shortage in Heaven and did a huge soul harvest here on earth! And my (stinkin) flesh again, just wants to text God with "wtf?"
I am financially, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. Completely. And I don't have time to rest much physically and mentally so I do the only thing I know to do--turn to our Father and ask Him to give me rest in Him. And the strength to keep going. And the understanding to realize what mercy has been given to me and the wisdom to make better choices, to fill my mind with pure thoughts and not ponder on what the enemy tries to focus my attention on which is NOT in my best interests at all! I need the spirit side to win this time! I need God's provision but between me and others I'll gladly hang in there a while longer so others can have what they need, especially the Allen family.
I went to bed last night completely exhausted and feeling nauseous despite the fact that I'd only had a few cookies to eat all day long and Jeff made quesadillas for dinner. I went to bed at 7:30 but woke up at midnight unable to get back to sleep and here it is 4 a.m. and I'm STILL awake and feeling nauseous. The service is in six hours and I really need God's strength...as do many of us. It's going to be a rough day.
a picture of you a year ago and how have you changed"
me and Dylan at Mu Alpha Theta 2009
Well, obviously, I'm another year older but my facial skin actually looks beter--found some stuff to fade the blotchies! The hair is a little longer--the Kate Gosselin do is gone! lol So are about 30 pounds, PRAISE THE LORD!!! Would be more if not for stupid knee surgery but I'll get there eventually! That's about it for the physical except for all my current bruises but those are temporary (I'm told but man they sure do look and feel awful!)
I think I'm another year wiser about some things, dumber about other. I'm still teaching but at a different place and a different grade and I still love it! Tryinig to focus more on more positive things and I've learned that life can be REALLY short and you NEVER know when the last ime--or the next time--you'll see/talk to someone so always make it positive.
me and Dylan at Mu Alpha Theta 2009
Well, obviously, I'm another year older but my facial skin actually looks beter--found some stuff to fade the blotchies! The hair is a little longer--the Kate Gosselin do is gone! lol So are about 30 pounds, PRAISE THE LORD!!! Would be more if not for stupid knee surgery but I'll get there eventually! That's about it for the physical except for all my current bruises but those are temporary (I'm told but man they sure do look and feel awful!)
I think I'm another year wiser about some things, dumber about other. I'm still teaching but at a different place and a different grade and I still love it! Tryinig to focus more on more positive things and I've learned that life can be REALLY short and you NEVER know when the last ime--or the next time--you'll see/talk to someone so always make it positive.
30 Day Challenge Day 27
"Why are you doing this 30-day challenge?"
I'm not really sure...it looked interesting...I like surveys and stuff like that. I like to write and it's been therapeutic, actually and that's always a good thing!
"and that's all I have to say about that."~~Forest Gump
I'm not really sure...it looked interesting...I like surveys and stuff like that. I like to write and it's been therapeutic, actually and that's always a good thing!
"and that's all I have to say about that."~~Forest Gump
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Confirmation
For the past several years...well pretty much since I had Brooke and made the mistake of having my tubes tied, I have been feeling like I was supposed to have another baby. At first it felt like someone from our family was just missing...and most of the time I attributed that feeling to my two miscarriages.
But for the past few years, several friends of ours have adopted or had more children and the urge to become a mother again has been so incredibly strong. I mean, hey, I know what I'm doing now! I've successfully raised (or nearly raised) three FABULOUS children. I survived the mistakes I made with them (or rather, THEY did! lol), know what's really important in life and have my parenting philosophy and beliefs firmly hammered down.
But there's a problem...to undo what's been done would require major surgery and then I would only have a 50/50 chance, which sounds stupid to me anyway--isn't it always a 50/50 chance? I mean, you either get pregnant or you dont....50/50!
But my chances were probably even lower given I had trouble conceiving the first five times. Once I got pregnant, everything was a piece of cake--easy, breezy pregnancies and deliveries and full-term, healthy, good, happy babies that nursed well and brought us so much joy.
So I briefly looked into adoption and/or foster care. We aren't equipped with enough space to adopt through the state or to foster and we aren't equipped financially to adopt privately, even internationally. Nor was Jeff on board with the idea of adding to our family anyway.
Yes, I'm a teacher and I LAVISH love on other people's kids and am blessed to be able to do that. But it's somehow not the same. You can only go so far molding and shaping the character of other people's children.
Yes, I have a nephew that I adore and is the love of my life! And if God forbid, something were to happen to his wonderful mommy and daddy, I would be there for him (though I'm sure I'd have to fight off two grandma's most of the time! lol)
So I've struggled with this issue, that this part of my life is nearing the winter season...my babies don't need me so much anymore and there's nothing I can do about it. I have prayed to God to show me how to handle it, to change my heart if it's not His will for me to have more children.
This week, I finally got my answer. And I'm at peace with it. The only way I will have more children is if for some reason, I end up marrying someone else and I inherit step-children! And I'm in no hurry to do that! lol
How did God show me? In His usual, practical ways! I did the 3's for aftercare on Monday because the person who normally does it didnt' want to anymore so they were scrambling to find a replacement. I needed the hours and have done the 3's before so I jumped at the chance. How I ever taught 3k for so long, I don't remember. My classes were always so good, so much more mature or maybe it was just that I was used to them and they were used to me but oh my goodness...I had forgotten what BABIES they are! A year or two makes a HUGE difference and I have gotten really spoiled to my 4's & 5's! I no longer have the patience to run potty every 5 minutes, to listen to crying over toys, to go through an entire box of tissues in an afternoon. Don't get me wrong--they are absolutely precious! I love their innocence and thei inquisitiveness. But thank God, the 4's & 5's still have enough of that for me! That's when it hit me...I do not want more babies!
And I'm quite okay with it. If God changes His mind again, then I'm sure He'll change mine as well and I'll deal with it. But I am loving me some big kids right now--my own and my class. Cooper's quite enough baby time for me!
But for the past few years, several friends of ours have adopted or had more children and the urge to become a mother again has been so incredibly strong. I mean, hey, I know what I'm doing now! I've successfully raised (or nearly raised) three FABULOUS children. I survived the mistakes I made with them (or rather, THEY did! lol), know what's really important in life and have my parenting philosophy and beliefs firmly hammered down.
But there's a problem...to undo what's been done would require major surgery and then I would only have a 50/50 chance, which sounds stupid to me anyway--isn't it always a 50/50 chance? I mean, you either get pregnant or you dont....50/50!
But my chances were probably even lower given I had trouble conceiving the first five times. Once I got pregnant, everything was a piece of cake--easy, breezy pregnancies and deliveries and full-term, healthy, good, happy babies that nursed well and brought us so much joy.
So I briefly looked into adoption and/or foster care. We aren't equipped with enough space to adopt through the state or to foster and we aren't equipped financially to adopt privately, even internationally. Nor was Jeff on board with the idea of adding to our family anyway.
Yes, I'm a teacher and I LAVISH love on other people's kids and am blessed to be able to do that. But it's somehow not the same. You can only go so far molding and shaping the character of other people's children.
Yes, I have a nephew that I adore and is the love of my life! And if God forbid, something were to happen to his wonderful mommy and daddy, I would be there for him (though I'm sure I'd have to fight off two grandma's most of the time! lol)
So I've struggled with this issue, that this part of my life is nearing the winter season...my babies don't need me so much anymore and there's nothing I can do about it. I have prayed to God to show me how to handle it, to change my heart if it's not His will for me to have more children.
This week, I finally got my answer. And I'm at peace with it. The only way I will have more children is if for some reason, I end up marrying someone else and I inherit step-children! And I'm in no hurry to do that! lol
How did God show me? In His usual, practical ways! I did the 3's for aftercare on Monday because the person who normally does it didnt' want to anymore so they were scrambling to find a replacement. I needed the hours and have done the 3's before so I jumped at the chance. How I ever taught 3k for so long, I don't remember. My classes were always so good, so much more mature or maybe it was just that I was used to them and they were used to me but oh my goodness...I had forgotten what BABIES they are! A year or two makes a HUGE difference and I have gotten really spoiled to my 4's & 5's! I no longer have the patience to run potty every 5 minutes, to listen to crying over toys, to go through an entire box of tissues in an afternoon. Don't get me wrong--they are absolutely precious! I love their innocence and thei inquisitiveness. But thank God, the 4's & 5's still have enough of that for me! That's when it hit me...I do not want more babies!
And I'm quite okay with it. If God changes His mind again, then I'm sure He'll change mine as well and I'll deal with it. But I am loving me some big kids right now--my own and my class. Cooper's quite enough baby time for me!
30 Day Challenge Day 26
I'm a little behind on this for obvious reasons...trying to catch up while I have access to a computer and a quiet moment...
"What do you think of your friends?"
Wow! I have discovered in the last year that I have the BEST friends EVER!!!! But they aren't necessarily the ones I thought they were.
Friends come from many places and as I've posted before, my "acquaintances" tend to change with my environment. But this past year, Gos has really taught me that once He binds hearts together, it's unbreakable. I've reconnected with quite a few people these past few months that I had not seen in a while...some decades!!! And yet once we were together, it was like not a day had passed! Those are true friends! The friends that will let you crash on their couch when your love-life is the pitts (Christy! lol) or take you out for Rita's (Angela, Toni, Aldona, Shari) or love you in spite of what you do (Shari, Donna A.) will pray with you and for you always and will step up to the plate when you ask for something (most of my 400+ fb friends!) for someone else or even yourself.
I have been completely overwhelmed by the concern shown to me these past few weeks with everything I've been through. Shocked, blessed and delighted to find that those I thought probably wouldn't care actually DO and just as shocked, hurt and humbled to learn that those I thought might have cared actually really dont all that much. It's both a difficult and heartwarming lesson to learn.
What do I think of my friends? Those who are really friends--I think the world of you! I hope you know that! I love you all very much!
"What do you think of your friends?"
Wow! I have discovered in the last year that I have the BEST friends EVER!!!! But they aren't necessarily the ones I thought they were.
Friends come from many places and as I've posted before, my "acquaintances" tend to change with my environment. But this past year, Gos has really taught me that once He binds hearts together, it's unbreakable. I've reconnected with quite a few people these past few months that I had not seen in a while...some decades!!! And yet once we were together, it was like not a day had passed! Those are true friends! The friends that will let you crash on their couch when your love-life is the pitts (Christy! lol) or take you out for Rita's (Angela, Toni, Aldona, Shari) or love you in spite of what you do (Shari, Donna A.) will pray with you and for you always and will step up to the plate when you ask for something (most of my 400+ fb friends!) for someone else or even yourself.
I have been completely overwhelmed by the concern shown to me these past few weeks with everything I've been through. Shocked, blessed and delighted to find that those I thought probably wouldn't care actually DO and just as shocked, hurt and humbled to learn that those I thought might have cared actually really dont all that much. It's both a difficult and heartwarming lesson to learn.
What do I think of my friends? Those who are really friends--I think the world of you! I hope you know that! I love you all very much!
30 Day Challenge Day 25
"what would I find in your bag"
Depends on which bag you're looking in. If you're talking about my purse, I'm not big on clutter so I only carry what I need and clean out my purse often. Right now, you'll find my wallet, my calendar, lip gloss, a knee wrap, aleve, pens and a few tampons!
In my "teacher bag" you'll find my classroom calendar, my planbook, a notebook and maybe another teacher text or two.
In my Y bag, you'll find toiletries, a shower wrap, weight gloves and a small notebook.
In the library bag, you'll find items that need to be returned to the library!
If nothing else, I tend to be very organized!
Depends on which bag you're looking in. If you're talking about my purse, I'm not big on clutter so I only carry what I need and clean out my purse often. Right now, you'll find my wallet, my calendar, lip gloss, a knee wrap, aleve, pens and a few tampons!
In my "teacher bag" you'll find my classroom calendar, my planbook, a notebook and maybe another teacher text or two.
In my Y bag, you'll find toiletries, a shower wrap, weight gloves and a small notebook.
In the library bag, you'll find items that need to be returned to the library!
If nothing else, I tend to be very organized!
30 Day Challenge Day 24
"a letter to your parents"
Dear Mom and Dad:
Although I'm a writer at heart, I really don't have the words to express my feelings for you. Mom you are one of my very best friends. You have always loved me unconditionally just like a mother is supposed to and you've taught me what's important in life--experiences! You always put us first before anything and everything much to the chagrin of other people's opinions. I remember growing up in our old house with a leaky roof and peeling paint but nonetheless, if we wanted to play softball, cheer, try out for majorette or take a vacation to the beach--THAT was more important to you. I know you still hurt from the loss of Maw Maw. I do too and that in no way means I am saying my pain is as great or greater than yours. But I wish more than anything I could get you to understand that she IS with the Lord. She is not hurting anymore and she is anxiously waiting for us to join her on GOD'S time, not ours. I know that when we DO get there, it will seem like no time has passed. She is up there rocking her babies and mine just like she used to rock all of us and Kayti and Dylan. She is up there whispering more good ideas into God's ear (i.e. Brooke) and enjoying all the things she enjoyed here. This was just her temporary home as it is ours. I am not trying to say that you shouldn't grieve or cry or miss her---that's not possible. But count it joy as well that she is with the One she called upon.
I also want to thank you, Mom for my wonderful childhood. As I said before, you always put time with us and the things we needed and/or wanted before anything else and as a result, I have a huge vault in my mind and heart of wonderful memories. I only hope that I'm giving my own kids HALF the happy childhood you gave me, even when it was "You and Me Against the World".
I also love how so very accepting you are. You are the least judgmental person I have ever met--you love and accept anybody and everybody regardless of the bad choices they may sometimes make. I know you hurt when it's one of us girls that makes the bad choice but you are always there to listen with an open mind and heart and you never make us feel more guilty than we should feel. You are my mothering and teaching mentor and you are my kids' best friend as well. They think you rock! They call you first with all their good news and love being around you. You saw them take their first steps, taught them to go potty, tie their shoes, share their toys, read and be kind to others--all the important things in life!
Daddy, I know you are physically hurting these days and oh how that breaks my heart. I so wish you could enjoy this time in your life--you have SO earned it! There are not very many men in this world who care to spend as much time with their own biological kids as you spent with me. If not for you, I dont think I'd have a healthy opinion of men at all. You came in and stepped up and became a dad before you ever HAD to be. It was you that took me to the movies, held my hand when I was scared, comforted me when I was mad at mom, worked tirelessly on my car, worked overtime to pay for the designer jeans I just HAD to have and scooped me up in your arms when I hit my first homerun! It was you that walked me down the aisle twenty-one years ago and befriended the man I chose to be my husband (so much so that sometimes I think you like him more than me! haha) and it was you that waited at the hospital until the late hours to hold your grandchildren. And they love their "Pop" so much! If not for you, Dylan wouldn't own a car, much less a boat! You are always thinking of others even when you don't feel well.
Mom and Dad I just want you to know how very much I love both of you and am SO thankful that God chose ME to be your daughter. I am so blessed and so is everyone that has ever met either one of you.
Your oldest, most stubborn, headstrong, wild, feisty, loud daughter,
Chel
Dear Mom and Dad:
Although I'm a writer at heart, I really don't have the words to express my feelings for you. Mom you are one of my very best friends. You have always loved me unconditionally just like a mother is supposed to and you've taught me what's important in life--experiences! You always put us first before anything and everything much to the chagrin of other people's opinions. I remember growing up in our old house with a leaky roof and peeling paint but nonetheless, if we wanted to play softball, cheer, try out for majorette or take a vacation to the beach--THAT was more important to you. I know you still hurt from the loss of Maw Maw. I do too and that in no way means I am saying my pain is as great or greater than yours. But I wish more than anything I could get you to understand that she IS with the Lord. She is not hurting anymore and she is anxiously waiting for us to join her on GOD'S time, not ours. I know that when we DO get there, it will seem like no time has passed. She is up there rocking her babies and mine just like she used to rock all of us and Kayti and Dylan. She is up there whispering more good ideas into God's ear (i.e. Brooke) and enjoying all the things she enjoyed here. This was just her temporary home as it is ours. I am not trying to say that you shouldn't grieve or cry or miss her---that's not possible. But count it joy as well that she is with the One she called upon.
I also want to thank you, Mom for my wonderful childhood. As I said before, you always put time with us and the things we needed and/or wanted before anything else and as a result, I have a huge vault in my mind and heart of wonderful memories. I only hope that I'm giving my own kids HALF the happy childhood you gave me, even when it was "You and Me Against the World".
I also love how so very accepting you are. You are the least judgmental person I have ever met--you love and accept anybody and everybody regardless of the bad choices they may sometimes make. I know you hurt when it's one of us girls that makes the bad choice but you are always there to listen with an open mind and heart and you never make us feel more guilty than we should feel. You are my mothering and teaching mentor and you are my kids' best friend as well. They think you rock! They call you first with all their good news and love being around you. You saw them take their first steps, taught them to go potty, tie their shoes, share their toys, read and be kind to others--all the important things in life!
Daddy, I know you are physically hurting these days and oh how that breaks my heart. I so wish you could enjoy this time in your life--you have SO earned it! There are not very many men in this world who care to spend as much time with their own biological kids as you spent with me. If not for you, I dont think I'd have a healthy opinion of men at all. You came in and stepped up and became a dad before you ever HAD to be. It was you that took me to the movies, held my hand when I was scared, comforted me when I was mad at mom, worked tirelessly on my car, worked overtime to pay for the designer jeans I just HAD to have and scooped me up in your arms when I hit my first homerun! It was you that walked me down the aisle twenty-one years ago and befriended the man I chose to be my husband (so much so that sometimes I think you like him more than me! haha) and it was you that waited at the hospital until the late hours to hold your grandchildren. And they love their "Pop" so much! If not for you, Dylan wouldn't own a car, much less a boat! You are always thinking of others even when you don't feel well.
Mom and Dad I just want you to know how very much I love both of you and am SO thankful that God chose ME to be your daughter. I am so blessed and so is everyone that has ever met either one of you.
Your oldest, most stubborn, headstrong, wild, feisty, loud daughter,
Chel
30 Day Challenge Day 23
I'm behind so I'm gonna go ahead and knock this one out because the next one is HARD and it may take a few days to get that one done!
"Something you crave a lot"
Hmmm...lately...I crave the ability to sit criss-cross applesauce aka Indian style! My favorite relaxing position either on the couch or the floor or at least with one leg tucked up underneath me but I CANT DO IT!!!! This blasted knee surgery has made me unable to do that temporarily and it's driving me NUCKING FUTS!!!! LOL
But it will get better...or so I'm told. We'll see....
Other things I crave....I also go through phases with those things as well. I'm addicted to Zumba and working out (or I was before surgery) does that count?
I love margaritas and mexican food and could eat it everyday. I also love starbucks white chocolate mochas and pop tarts. And Coke or Coke Zero.
I crave road trips (well, any kind of trip really), good music, good books and good movies. I crave laughter and hugs from little people (kids, not midgets--no offense to the midgets!)
I crave the day when everybody stops judging everybody else and minds their own business!
I crave good worship services at Church of the Highlands (and hate like everything that I missed tonight)
I crave the smell of a campfire, the shouts of the Rammer Jammer and the feel of clean 400+ thread count sheets!
I crave the candy my mom makes at Christmastime.
Sometimes I even crave to be pregnant again! I love the feeling of life growing inside me (and I generally have easy pregnancies/deliveries and good babies!) And I definitely crave to nurse another baby!
I crave the feeling I get when I'm teaching a child to read and it finally clicks in their head and I see their little face light up!
I crave to be debt-free!
I crave the day Jesus comes back and I won't crave for anything else ever again!
"Something you crave a lot"
Hmmm...lately...I crave the ability to sit criss-cross applesauce aka Indian style! My favorite relaxing position either on the couch or the floor or at least with one leg tucked up underneath me but I CANT DO IT!!!! This blasted knee surgery has made me unable to do that temporarily and it's driving me NUCKING FUTS!!!! LOL
But it will get better...or so I'm told. We'll see....
Other things I crave....I also go through phases with those things as well. I'm addicted to Zumba and working out (or I was before surgery) does that count?
I love margaritas and mexican food and could eat it everyday. I also love starbucks white chocolate mochas and pop tarts. And Coke or Coke Zero.
I crave road trips (well, any kind of trip really), good music, good books and good movies. I crave laughter and hugs from little people (kids, not midgets--no offense to the midgets!)
I crave the day when everybody stops judging everybody else and minds their own business!
I crave good worship services at Church of the Highlands (and hate like everything that I missed tonight)
I crave the smell of a campfire, the shouts of the Rammer Jammer and the feel of clean 400+ thread count sheets!
I crave the candy my mom makes at Christmastime.
Sometimes I even crave to be pregnant again! I love the feeling of life growing inside me (and I generally have easy pregnancies/deliveries and good babies!) And I definitely crave to nurse another baby!
I crave the feeling I get when I'm teaching a child to read and it finally clicks in their head and I see their little face light up!
I crave to be debt-free!
I crave the day Jesus comes back and I won't crave for anything else ever again!
30 Day Challenge Day 22
"what makes you different than everyone else?"
Well, nothing and everything at the same time! I have a lot in common with a lot of different people but not everything in common with any one person. I'm known for speaking my mind regardless...sometimes, regretfully without tact. I dont mean to hurt feelings, I am just me being as honest as I can be.
I'm not afraid to try new things or take chances and I'm not usually shy nor do I embarass easy. I love being a mom and a teacher but so do a lot of people...but it really is my passion! It doesn't feel like "work".
I love to write, be with family and friends and have a good time. I don't trust too many people and I don't love easily (except for my kids) but when I do, it's with my WHOLE heart and I'd do anything for those I love.
Well, nothing and everything at the same time! I have a lot in common with a lot of different people but not everything in common with any one person. I'm known for speaking my mind regardless...sometimes, regretfully without tact. I dont mean to hurt feelings, I am just me being as honest as I can be.
I'm not afraid to try new things or take chances and I'm not usually shy nor do I embarass easy. I love being a mom and a teacher but so do a lot of people...but it really is my passion! It doesn't feel like "work".
I love to write, be with family and friends and have a good time. I don't trust too many people and I don't love easily (except for my kids) but when I do, it's with my WHOLE heart and I'd do anything for those I love.
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