7 down...

and this is not fun!

Monday, the ex went with me.

Sometimes we are best friends. Sometimes I wish I could completely erase him from my life. This was taken during one of the moments when we (obviously) were the former. Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm feeling the latter. So maybe I best just leave it at that.

Tuesday I decided to try it alone. It really only takes 10 minutes once I'm there and coming home to coordinate rides is such a hassle. I've had many of you volunteer to go with me and I really do appreciate it. But now that I'm over the initial anxiety of it, I'm okay and it's easier for me to just go, get it over with and either go home and go to bed or go back to work.

I was not feeling the best. My throat is starting to get sore and the pain med is making me nauseous.

Wednesday was  a very rough day! I'd argued with Kayti and of course, the ex. Again, gonna leave it alone. But I'd cried most of the day, still feeling nauseous and throat still scratchy. 

For added fun, the clinic called at 6 a.m. and told me the machines were down at Acton Road and I needed to go downtown for treatment.  Since before I began treatment, I'm doing good to answer a phone at 6 a..m. let alone remember anything said during the conversation. Somehow I got the time wrong but not by much. I also did not realize the cancer center was not actually in the Kirklin Clinic downtown (it is at Acton Rd) so I was late but they were pretty gracious. I went back to work since it was the middle of the day but I did not get much done. The powers that be at work decided our department needed to be on a different floor and I found out I had an hour to get my stuff packed and moved to my new area. All the dust flying, noise, chaos, people cleaning with strong chemicals, not to mention my regular nausea...I was SICK AS A DOG! I left around 4 and went home, put on my pajamas and just vegged.  I did manage to mop, vaccuum and clean my own kitchen and get some laundry done since no one else around here seems to do it. (they say they do but not to my standards apparently) 

Feeling much better on this Friday! I got a lot more done at work than usual but still left at 3 for treatment. Kayti and I ran a few errands, got takeout and I'm home on a Friday night, in my pajamas, getting some grad school homework done. (this better pay off big soon!)  I'm not so nauseous today but NOTHING tastes right. I now know why they were telling me to eat all that tree bark and bermuda grass--I may as well be eating healthy because everything tastes like crap. I didn't even finish my Mexican takeout. And my throat is getting even more sore. I will see the doctor Monday and I will definitely be getting some mouth rinse!  

Oh yeah--haven't had any coffee all week. I have had caffeine, but just not coffee and I LOVE coffee! But I can't handle the hot right now. Everything has to be cold! Very cold!

2 down, 31 to go!

Well ,give or take. I've been approved for 42 treatments but it doesn't look like that many have been scheduled. I got my calendar of appointments yesterday at my first treatment and it looks like I'm booked every day until September 28 except for Labor Day when they are closed.

I took at ativan yesterday at 2 p.m. because the anxiety was about to kill me. I left work, went and picked up my mom and we drove over to the cancer center. They showed me where to go, where to get undressed, etc. and then I got my mouthpiece and mask and strapped down. It took about 15 minutes. My jaw was sore when I was done and the tech told me next time to try and relax my jaw more and don't bite down.

Then mom and I met with the nurse and she explained what all I might experience as far as side effects go and what they could do etc. I have been truly blessed with some sweet nurses and technicians.

Mom then drove me to Mango Tango for a smoothie and then home. I took a pain pill, laid down on the couch around 5 p.m. and knew nothing else until 8 a.m.!

I hurried and got ready for work and we had a meeting of bad news. Trying to keep an open mind so I won't share anything yet but it has not been a great day.

Then EQ, my work bff, and I left for another treatment. This time it only took 5 minutes and I did not need to speak with a nurse or anything so we left and headed to Steel City Pops for a soothing treat for my throat which is already getting really sore!

I finished the work day and here I am. At home. Bored. Depressed. Tired. The bad news is this will probably be how I am for the next six weeks. The good news is, it's only six weeks.

Woman, interrupted

I'm sitting here at 6 a.m. listening to Church of the Highlands 21 Days of prayer services online. I'm trying to let my soul find comfort in the music but I can't still my mind.  I remember back to almost a few months ago when I was told I had cancer and after the initial shock I felt this peace wash over me and then my fight instinct kicked in. I want to get those feelings back and stop being so irritated and overwhelmed but somehow I just can't get back to that place of peace no matter what I do.

I had a great weekend. Had dinner with my high school friends again and then Saturday, Jeff, Kayti and I went tubing down the Little Cahaba. Sunday I did church online, some much needed housework, a few hours at the pool and went grocery shopping.  We went and got our white-out shirts for the football game and I tried to get in bed early.

Then I go to work and hear about all the stuff we're not doing right or new client directives, etc., open the mailbox to more bills and junk, try to get home so I can cut the grass but the bottom falls out of the sky and I can do nothing but sit on the couch and get irritated all over again.  I know this is just life stuff but everything just bothers me so much more right now. It's hard to explain or put into words.

So I was supposed to have heard from oncology about a start date by Monday but the only thing I got was an appointment for a nutritionist and another for a pain management doctor--both at the end of August. So I'm thinking, okay, they're waiting until the beginning of September to start. Okay, at least I'll get in one last beach trip! Then yesterday this rude little nurse calls while I'm in a work meeting and leaves me a voice mail TELLING ME my first radiation appointment is Thursday at 11:20.

Um, no!

In the first place, they jerk me around for weeks making me wait until my fight is about gone and then drop the bomb. Then they just assume I have nothing to do and schedule it for the middle of the day? I don't think so.

So I call her and told her that's not going to happen. I work a full time job and yes, I know, this is my health we're talking about here but I have two kids still at home to feed. If I die, they'll get life insurance and can feed themselves but as long as I'm living, I have to work! I can't come in the middle of the day like that ESPECIALLY since I have to take a nerve pill prior to treatment. I'm going to have to go all the way home, pick up mom or one of the girls to go with me and then drive all the way back to Acton Road. I have to have something later--much later.

She proceeds to tell me that's the only time she has available.  Um, this lady apparently doesn't know me or know not to try and bully me or back me into a corner! So I told her just forget the whole thing, I'm not doing it and I explained all that to her again. So she says, "well I was under the impression you wanted morning."

Girl, please--11:30 is not morning on a workday! And yes I did want mornings--early early mornings so I could still go to work after. But I can't take ativan, get a treatment and still work all day. Ativan knocks me on my butt!

So she sighs and says let me see what I can do and I'll call you back. A few hours later she leaves another voicemail message--this time it's 3:05. Better but not really good enough. So I just lost it.

All my wonderful co-workers tell me I really don't have a choice and I know they're right (to a point) but I have just lost my will. I don't want to do this. I don't want my life interrupted! I don't want to inconvenience people or tell people I can't do things because I have cancer.

After finally gaining some composure back and arranging the logistics I call back. This time I get a different nurse. I guess the other one was sick of me, too. haha  I told her this time the time would be fine but we're definitely going to have to work at getting it later in the day and hopefully I'll get used to it, less anxious and maybe switch to mornings. I also asked about taking a few days off to go out of town and she said I'd have to talk to the doctor but usually they just add those treatments onto the end.

They're gonna have to. My mind is made up. People miss all the time. The clinic is going to be closed for Labor Day, the machines will be down at times. Stuff happens. Life happens. Interruptions happen.

I am still praying I'll be able to keep doing what I enjoy during this time because the hardest thing for me to take are the interruptions. But for now, I guess that's what I'll just be--a woman, interrupted.

1 month post C-word

I realize it's been awhile since my last blog. What can I say? What am I supposed to write--how irritated I am a lot of the time? I am trying to accept my new limitations but it's hard and no, knowing they're temporary doesn't make it any easier. I'm overwhelmed. I'm used to being busy but this is different. I've gotten enough of my energy back to be able to crochet some things, mow the grass, and clean the house, etc.

I get stressed out when the house isn't clean and the girls are great at doing what I ask. But what can I say? I'm super picky. But I don't want to be a bitch so I try not to nag or complain so I just say stressed. And I guess I still have fog from the anesthesia because it's hard for me to remember to take all these new vitamins throughout the day that I'm supposed to be taking. I don't get enough sleep regardless of what I do. I don't have the energy for the exercise I'm supposed to be getting. Work is kicking my butt. I'm lonely. Grad school starts back in 18 days. I don't know how I'm going to manage it all and I can't postpone it. I'm too close to being done!

I'm emotional a lot of the time--much more emotional that I normally am which may or may not be a good thing. Since my divorce, I've become a little jaded. I don't get all sappy over things that most people do. I've learned not to get attached to people easily and if someone wants out of my life, I'll hold the door open. But now it's all different. I'm not even remotely interested in dating right now, though I do have a crush or two and some good guy friends I wish I could spend more time with. But I constantly think about being alone for the rest of my life and that used to not bother me at all. I wonder if I will live to see grandchildren or even college graduations. I know I should be grateful because I know others that didn't make it to their kids high school graduations but it breaks a mama's heart to think about the possibility of missing even a moment of your children's lives.

And I think back on things in my life that I wish I'd done differently. I thought I'd mastered the art of no regrets and now regret is starting to creep back in. I just have to try harder to push it away and accept things for what they are and try to be optimistic. What choice do I have?

If that weren't enough--I still haven't started radiation treatments! I thought I would start a few weeks ago but the oncologist wanted to wait until my incision healed a little more. Although I must say it looks amazing! Have to give props to Dr. Carroll at UAB--if you didn't know it was there you'd never see it, especially with my hair down and we'll talk about my hair later.

So I went in this past Monday for what they call a simulation. They did another CT scan with dye contrast so they could decide exactly where they want to the radiation to go and I also had to have my mouthpiece which will keep my tongue out of the way so it doesn't get burned and my mask made. That was an ordeal.

It doesn't matter how much or how detailed they explain this procedure, you can't possibly psych yourself up for something like this. Especially if you're claustrophobic AND have a tiny mouth to begin with.

The mask starts out as a flat piece. They dip it in hot water and lay it over your face and it molds to a custom fit. This is so they have an exact replica of your head and can mark it up and pinpoint exactly where they want the radiation to go. So you have to close your eyes and therefore you can't see anything. But before they put the mask on, you have to get fitted for the mouthpiece that you'll have to wear. If you have ever had any kind of dental work done and had to have impressions made, it's a little like that. They stick this popsicle thing in your mouth and it molds to fit your the inside of your mouth and hold your tongue over to one side and away from radiation. 

The problem is, it's bigger than it looks in the picture. And I have a small mouth. Not only that, the side of my head has been cut and my jaw is really sore and won't open very wide at all. It's a good thing I'm not married or dating because oral would be totally out of  the question--it's that severe! 

So I'm lying there with this thing in my mouth gagging me, my eyes closed so I can't see a thing and they come at me with this mask and then they snap it to the table! It felt like I was in some twisted episode of Criminal Minds and my Special Agent Derek Morgan was nowhere around! I was freaking out!

I love my doctor. She stood there and held my hand the entire time while the technicians did their thing and everyone was telling me I was doing good but I was sure I would hyperventilate from breathing so hard and fast. My doctor decided that for treatments I would need to take an ativan prior to coming to ease my anxiety somewhat. That's great but it blows my entire plan out of the water! 

I'm going to have to do this EVERY day, Monday-Friday for six and a half weeks. I had planned to do it mornings and then go to work because my hours are really flexible and that way I can still do my job. But if I'm going to take ativan before, I won't possibly be able to work after. This means I'll have to go into work really early (haha,that'll never happen) and leave early, go get someone to drive me, take my ativan, get my treatment and go home and sleep and do nothing else! 

So I'm praying that all that was just the anxiety of the unknown and that I'll get used to it because I don't have time to be a big weinie!

And my hair--yeah, turns out I'm going to lose some of it after all and permanently. Because of where the radiation needs to go, the hairline in the back on the left side is going to move up a few inches and leave the space below slick. I'm not sure how that will end up looking. Fortunately, my hair is long and the hair above it may cover it enough so you won't be able to tell. But I'll have to wait and see. And pulling my hair up may look awkward. So there goes one of my best features maybe. And if so, I'll just shave my head and rock some bandanas!

Even knowing all this and worrying about it, I'm still anxious to get it started but I still don't have a start date. All the doctors have to review and sign off on the "plan" and I'm sure the insurance company as well, although I'm very blessed to have insurance that covers cancer 100%!

So enough of the negative, let me try to be positive for a bit. I'm super blessed! Although I have not spoken to my ex in two weeks and I'm not sure why, I know if I needed him he'd still be there. But he wants to move on with his life and I love him enough to let him try. My parents are super supportive as are my sisters and of course, my friends. I am so thankful to God for showing me who my TRUE ones are. They are the ones that aren't concerned for themselves but call to check on ME and ask how *I* am doing instead of always wanting to talk about themselves. They bring meals, gifts, and pray. They constantly offer words of encouragement. They do my toes, nails, let me raid their closets, take me out for a night of fun, help financially, text out of the blue to say "hi, thinking about you", drop in on me in the middle of the workday with a smoothie...it's all been overwhelmingly wonderful.

I try to be encouraged about the future knowing I have overcome so many things in my life that most people would slit their wrists over--bankruptcy, repossession, foreclosure, troubled teenaged child, college as a working mom, divorce, domestic violence, jail, etc. etc. etc. And I've made it through each thing and come out on top. I will beat this and come out on top, too. I just may have to whine a little first.