Revelation, Christmas and a New Year

Christmas turned out not to be so bad after all. A few days after my last post, I'm driving down the interstate thinking about how my kids are seemingly selfish, not wanting to spend any time with me when the Holy Spirit whispered..."Now you know how I feel. How many times have I prompted you to spend time with me, read my word, worship, pray and see all that I have for you but you were too tired, too busy, had more important things to do, too poorly organized with your time management, etc."

BOOM!

I DO read Scripture and pray daily. Even if it is just one or two verses and even if it's a hurried prayer. And I know it all counts. But I know God has so much more for me and yet, so many other things get in the way.  I know He understands. He is patient and forgiving. Me, not so much.

So I am choosing to use my current phase in life as yet another lesson--to adjust my priorities yet again. I love how when we refuse to take the time to learn what God wants to show us He will use the situations and circumstances in our lives to teach us anyway. All we have to do is listen.

We wound up having a wonderful Christmas Eve where the kids and I exchanged gifts like adults before going to my mom's for dinner. They went to their dad's to spend the night and wait on "Santa" and I came home alone. But it was not so bad. I lay in my bed, talking to Jesus and listening to 24 hours of A Christmas Story until I fell asleep. In the morning, we went to my sister's house to see what Santa brought the little ones. Later that afternoon I met my singles group for some bowling and then came home and spent some time alone with my son before he headed back to Tuscaloosa.

Me and Dylan at Highlands Christmas (awesome, btw! If you ever get the opportunity to go, do NOT pass it up!)

My little family! Yes, I realize there is a black kid in my picture! It's Brooke's boyfriend, Anthony. I don't really care what you think of that. We like him and I trust my daughter.

My mom and dad and all their grands.



So now I am looking forward to my FAVORITE holiday--New Years! I love New Years because there is just something about getting rid of the old and welcoming new that I have always loved. I love that the slate is clean (kinda like when we let Jesus wipe our slates clean) and start over. Everyone gets a second chance.

Facebook did their usual "year in review" customized for each user of course and I realized that the year was really pretty good. I got very involved in various things at Church of the Highlands. Kayti graduated high school and moved into her own apartment. She danced her last year of dance and went to her first and only prom. Brooke had the lead in the spring musical, did colorguard for an OUTSTANDING season of high school football (State Champs, remember?), danced, got her driver's license, and finished a year of voice lessons. Dylan began his Senior year at Alabama and launched a student team of UAV designers even securing significant funding for the project in grants and donations. (have I ever mentioned how super intelligent he is?) We went to Orlando, Chattanooga, the beach and Atlanta. I started another year of graduate school and a new job.

I guess I have to accept that there will always be some bad days here and there and that things are not always going to be perfect. For my personality, that's a hard fact to accept. But I'm learning. It's just not so easy for some of us to "go with the flow" no matter how hard we want to be able to. But most days, I love my life. I still have dreams and goals though and I will always be the type of person that tries to put together a plan to make it happen. What I have to do, however, is seek God first in those plans. His plans are far better than mine. But I believe that He puts desires in us because they are somehow part of His plan.

I have also been hesitant in the past to share too many of my goals and dreams for fear that if they didn't work out, I would be disappointed or look stupid and like I don't follow through on things. But in listening to Joel Osteen, one of my favorite pastors after all the ones at COTH, of course, and going through LIFE is that words have tremendous power. I need to speak my dreams out loud and give the words the power to work. I need to show God that I have faith enough in myself to do what I can do so that He can do what He wants to do.

So my hopes, dreams, goals, plans--whatever you want to call them--for 2015 are (in no particular order):

1. Continue serving on the prayer team for the LIFE retreats and the Events team.
2. To not miss a single SERVE Saturday and to make every Saturday prayer meeting that I can.
3. Get involved with prison ministry.
4. Continue writing to Richard (a childhood friend doing life at Donaldson Correctional Facility in Bessemer.
5. Tame that tongue!
6. Learn a new language
7. Go on a big trip.
8. Spend more time with friends
9. Get on a doable budget!
10. Make myself over physically (gonna keep the details of that to myself!)

And that's just a sampling. There is so much more that I want to do and so much more that I HAVE to do. And I will try to accept my limitations when I start to see them and not be too disappointed. But God knows the plans He has for me--plans to give me a hope and a future, plans to prosper me and I claim His promise today!

Be blessed!

It's just not gonna happen..

I tried I really did but Christmas this year is just going to be going through the motions. That's it. And I can't wait for it to be over!

I have tried to make memories with my kids and instill in them to value other things more than presents--time with family, a reverence for the occasion (even if they don't believe in the reason), making things, seeing things...but they don't care. They aren't spoiled for material things (well, maybe Brooke is and I don't know how. It's not like she gets a lot but she sure does want a lot! And she has expensive taste!) but they could really care less about participating in any of what I would consider the "fun" of the season.

All I asked of them was to come to candlelight services, ride around and look at lights and the Saturday come to dinner and then go to the Alabama Theatre to see It's a Wonderful Life like we do every year.  I told them all at least three times. I even invited Kayti's friend, who lost her own mother a few months ago, to come along with us. The only one to do what I asked without complaining, without forgetting was Dylan.

Brooke had to work Saturday, which I understand and knew it was a possibility that she would have to work at least one of the nights. I'm not upset about that. But come Friday and we're ready to go and she's laying up in the bed! When I said something to her she tried to pretend I never told her even though we talked about it THREE TIMES. She has my sister's act down pat of trying to make the mom think she's crazy!

At the same time I'm upset with Brooke and we are screaming at each other, Kayti, who had previously informed me that they didn't want to go look at lights because she needed to take her friend to do stuff (that they could have done earlier in the day) chimes in that they are going to go on and meet me there. It just hit me at the wrong time--I mean what, we can't even all ride together? She and I screamed at each other and she ended up not going at all either.

I stayed pretty upset with them all day Saturday and had not went to the store to get anything to fix for dinner so we made plans to meet downtown and then I get told by Kayti that she isn't going to that either.  My entire weekend was pretty much ruined. I just wanted to spend time with my kids but I was made to feel like that was such an inconvenience and that I was being ridiculous for wanting that.

As a single mom, I have NO BACKUP whatsoever. Their dad used to be a great co-parent. But in the last six months or so, he acts like he doesn't want to be bothered and then turns everything back around on me.  My mom, the wisest mother I know, just wants to be grandma and doesn't want to get involved. I understand that. But my gosh, I need some help! I know a big part of the way they act is just being teenagers. I get that. But what am I supposed to do? Let them keep acting like selfish little brats and hope they somehow grow out of it? Apparently that's the way most people parent these days. No attempts are made to teach kids right from wrong, respect, etc. I remember being the same way but I also remember getting my head slapped off a few times! And I don't want to discipline from rage and bitterness. I need to be able to walk away until I get control and normally there would be another parent to step in and take over until things calm down. But single moms don't have that advantage. And before you say, just go in another room you should know two things: 1) this house is small 2) it really doesn't help.

So I took today to myself. I slept in then got ready, went shopping, got my nails and toes done and went shopping some more. And I am not a typical woman--I HATE shopping.

 And I did something else I hate to do today--I bought gift cards. I hate gift cards. It's the equivalent of saying, "You really aren't worth the trouble to think of a unique gift and this is how much I was willing to spend on you." But you know what I decided? Some people ARE too much trouble and this IS all I can spend!

I'm also not baking this year. I made fudge and Martha Washington already this year. That's enough. Anything else I want, I'm sure Wal-mart makes it. But I really don't need it. And who has time? And nobody cares.

I just really wish I could sleep until Friday. I hate feeling like this. But no matter what I do, I can't snap out of it. Sometimes I wish I could trade places with some that have passed away recently. They were loved and are missed. I'm not so sure about myself sometimes. And I'm so ready to be with the Lord. I'm so over this life. I can't seem to figure out who I am since my divorce. I'm no longer someone's wife and while I'll always be somebody's mom, it's not the same as when they were younger. I'm not called to do missions, adopt/foster, go into ministry. I'm not buck wild like I was when I first got divorced and not really interested in dating much. I do outreach and serve at church and I enjoy it. But I just feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more now and I'm just stuck. I just give up.

Doing much better!

I did manage to stay off Facebook for several days prior to the LIFE retreat and it did me so much good.  I don't think that Facebook is a bad thing. I do think we need to be careful with it, as with anything, and keep it in its proper place. So since getting back on it, I've tried to make a conscious effort not to say too much, especially when I'm not in a great mood.

Nonetheless, it was a great break for me. And the retreat was amazing! I had the honor of serving on the prayer team and just to let you know how serious it is--not just anyone can serve on the prayer team. You first must complete a LIFE group all the way through to attending the retreat and then you have to serve at another retreat in some other capacity--on the events team, part of the flow team or as a member of the intercessory prayer team. And then you have to go through training for the prayer team. But you get to wear the red shirts and pray individually with retreat attendees. It was as much a blessing for me as it was for anyone I had the privilege of praying with.

I was a little nervous about it. I'm quite comfortable praying out loud and in front of people. I've been doing it for quite some time now as a small group leader, teacher, etc. But to cast out spirits of fear, mammon, rejection, etc. and pour blessing into someone I just met and get only a few moments with can be quite intimidating. But I had to remember that I am just a vessel that God uses to do His work. I don't need to do anything but have a pure and sincere heart to show love to people and just let Him do what He needs to do.

There were times when I got tongue tied a little bit. But when I did, I just paused and asked the Holy Spirit to just take over completely. There were other times that I have no idea what I said after I finished praying and I knew it was all Him.

And God took care of me by putting me on the same team as my former co-leader and friend, Shay. She is such an inspirational prayer warrior and mentor. She's so encouraging and uplifting. Truly an amazing woman! And then I met Rhonda, another amazing woman of God that just took me under her wing and encouraged me so that I could encourage others.  It was a great experience in every way.

After I was done serving, I went to the Clay Christmas parade to watch my baby girl march.

I have really been dreading Christmas this year. Actually every year since my divorce has been hard because not only am I single but the kids are grown--well, 2/3 are anyway. It gets more difficult to find gifts for them that I can afford and much of the magic of Santa and the wonder in their little faces are just not as present as they were when they were much smaller. It's hard and last year, my ex decided that it was time to stop doing Christmas for the kids together. We managed to keep things pretty much the same for the first two Christmases after we split but last year he decided he did not want to be a part of our Christmas Eve festivities. And this year it's his turn to have them Christmas Eve (even though they will still come to dinner at mom's--he knows better than to mess with that! lol) and I will be in my apartment all alone. I haven't really wanted to think about it.

But about a week or so ago, I had a dream about my Maw Maw. Almost 18 years after she passed away and there is still not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. No matter what's going on, she is still very much a presence in my life. But I rarely dream about her. The dream was kind of weird and really isn't that important except that I could feel her spirit so close. When I woke I realized that I had put up my Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving as always and it usually takes me a few more weeks to actually get everything situated the way I want it so I've been messing around with things and arranging them. Many of the decorations are ones that she actually handmade for me and I think touching them and looking at them so much must have put her on my mind even more. 

But I told my mom about my dream because I think sometimes my mom thinks we don't think about Maw Maw much anymore or care that she's gone. I wanted her to know that is far from the truth. I still miss her VERY much.  I wish that she could have seen my cousins' children and Brooke and my sisters' children. She only ever met Dylan and Kayti and they were very young when she died. I doubt they have many memories of her that we haven't given them.

But in talking with my mom, she reminded me how much Maw Maw loved Christmas. It was her favorite time of year. She never had much but she always loved making homemade candy, decorations and gifts and just being with family and it occurred to me that maybe that's what she was trying to tell me--that there was no reason to dread Christmas no matter what is going on. Just focus on good things and enjoy your loved ones because you never know when they won't be around anymore.  And it has hit home even more since hearing of so many friends that have lost people lately, especially moms. I know their hearts are broken and all I can do is pray for Jesus to wrap His sweet, loving arms around them and comfort them. I really have no reason to be depressed about my situation. Sure, it's different and I'll always miss what used to be. But there isn't much sense in sitting around pining for it because there is nothing I can do to get it back. 

So I'm going to do what my Maw Maw and my Jesus wants me to do--embrace it.  I'm listening to Christmas music every day, getting myself in the spirit! I'm going to make plans, go all out with food and decorations (as much as my budget will allow!), start new traditions and just enjoy every part of it. Since I don't get to be "Santa" this year, I'm going with a theme for the kids gifts: Something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read. 

We will still go to candlelight services at church and to the Alabama Theatre to see It's a Wonderful Life and we will still drive around and look at lights. Those things will be the same. But I may go see a movie Christmas Day by myself! I'm going to experiment with some recipes since I don't get to cook much anymore. I'm going to spend time with my dog and read and write. I'm going to do something for others that they aren't expecting. I will give all I can give into making Christmas great because our God gave all He could give--His Son, who would later become our Lord and Savior.

I study Advent scriptures and God shows me something new each time. But most of all, I think this is the first year that I've realized that the nativity, while amazing, is about more than a precious baby's divine birth. I think this is the first time in my life that it really hit me that He came to die. I knew in my head but I think this is the first year I got heart knowledge of that fact. I mean, myrrh! He was given burial oil at His birth! There's a clue! lol But oh...I just have no words. The ways God works...who can understand it? But oh how we ought to appreciate it. Oh how we ought to have a burning desire to know more because His Word says, Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come. Jeremiah 33:3

I do pray your Christmas is one to remember! Be blessed!

Sabbatical

I am smart enough to realize that the stuff I'm going through right now is from the evil one. I am supposed to be serving at the LIFE retreat this weekend on the prayer team. And so I have been so distracted and shaken by darkness that it has me questioning whether I should go through with serving or not.

Who am I to lead people to freedom when I can't seem to get free myself?

I know I am  child of God, even though I am far from perfect. I know I'm forgiven and loved and cherished. I know all that. But there are times when I just can't feel it.

And yes, I know I am not supposed to be going on feelings but on choices because choices lead, feelings follow. And that is what I am trying DESPERATELY to do.

I am going to dig even deeper for the next few days, stay off of facebook and away from other things that do not serve my spirit but rather feed my flesh and suck my time. I'm going to refocus my attention to God's Word, worship, prayer and things that replenish my soul.

It's been a difficult few days dealing with my daughters.  I know they are human also. They get emotional and selfish and act in ways they shouldn't. They had a great teacher for that--me! I still love them. But I want so badly for them to be better than me. And when they struggle I am reminded of what a failure I was to them. I didn't instill things of faith in them like I should have. I tried at times but I was going through my own stuff at the time and then I fell away and left them. They have issues and crises of faith and they are entitled to that because of what I put them through.

I am trying SO HARD to make it all right again. I believe that God can and will redeem the places that I fell so short as a woman and as a mother. But I am still human and when it doesn't happen when and like I think it should, I get frustrated.

Sometimes it feels like the more of myself I try to surrender to God, the more tenderhearted, raw and exposed I am. I get my feelings hurt so easily these days. I don't know what I am supposed to be learning in all this.

I still have so much anger towards my ex husband. Most people probably don't think I have a right to be angry with him and they would be correct. He has treated me better than most husbands would a wife that did the things I did. Far better. But the issues that led to the demise of our marriage are still there. He doesn't and probably never will have my back when it counts. He doesn't support my discipline of Brooke and it's like pulling teeth to get him to do some things like find another doctor for Kayti.  I have to constantly nag and fuss and then that just escalates into arguments I know I will never win.

It especially frustrates me with Brooke because she is learning how to play us against each other. I was upset with her yesterday and all I asked for was to be alone. I asked him if it was okay if she stayed with him and he had no problem. Until she threw a little fit and he gave in and brought her home against my protests. How am I ever supposed to teach her anything if he undermines me at every turn. And he just thinks it's no big deal. He doesn't get it. He never will. And THAT is why I have zero respect for him sometimes.  There are just certain areas of life that he will never step up and be a man.

So why do I long for days gone by when we were a happy family?  I still can't figure that out either. I think I mostly want to undo the hurt. I know I can't. I know that in my head. Sometimes I just forget. Or I guess it still hasn't made its way to my heart. A heart that part of will always belong to him. The love of my young life, the father of my children, my best friend for so many years. Maybe I'm just too nostalgic. I know that nothing is impossible for God. I just wish I knew if that was His plan or not so I could know how to steer my heart.

I'm so tired of being stuck in this place. I need a breakthrough. And I believe I'm due. So I'm pulling out all the stops and going after God more than I ever have. Please agree with me in prayer that He will finally push or pull me over this hump.

I have to get unstuck!

30 Days of Thankful--Days 23-30

I am anal in that I feel I MUST finish things I start. So even though we are now 8 days into December, let me finish my thankful posts before I make another.

Day 23--Thankful for At the Movies series at church. I always love this time of year.

Day 24--Thankful to be off from zumba for awhile so I can recuperate from the 5k I did on Saturday!

Day 25--Thankful Brooke is off from dance this week so I can save on gas!

Day 26--Thankful for Survivor! One of my favorite shows and one of my few joys lately!

Day 27--THANKSGIVING! Thankful I got to see and spend time with family. Thankful for sweet friends like Dorinda that gave me a turkey and thankful that my dad is going to fry it for me.

Day 28--Thankful that I have to work (yes, you read that right) and have an excuse for not getting out in the mess that is Black Friday!

Day 29--Thankful that the Cougars beat Florence last night and are headed to the State 6A Championship game!

Day 30--Thankful that Alabama beat Auburn!!! ROLL TIDE!