It's been a very challenging and at the same time very amazing last two weeks. I have not shared the details about Kayti and the problems she has been having or we have been having with her because I very much wanted to protect her privacy. There is just something in us mother's that makes us want to protect our babies from anything and everything that can be harmful and even though I haven't been able to help her much with the big things, I have prayed and asked for prayer for her and have worried that if I shared too much it would somehow be harmful to her.
But one thing I learned in my own recovery is that things like this are best dealt with when they are NOT hidden. Still, I knew it had to be her decision. Since I've seen a few posts on facebook from her, I gather that she's not fearful of people's reaction and would be quite comfortable with me sharing with those of you who bother to read these blogs. :)
She has always had anxiety. From the time she was a very small child, she would have to literally be peeled out of the carseat to go to preschool and then pryed from my arms. Once there for a few minutes she was fine but it took several months for her to get used to it and for us not to have that same routine every morning.
She was also always very strong-willed and I admit at the time, I did NOT have the patience for it whatsoever. I was stressed and stretched way beyond my limits working full-time having a child starting school, a baby and a chronically ill husband. I needed her to behave and not insist that I put forth the effort of positive discipline. I made many mistakes that caused her to become timid.
When she started to develop, she put on a little bit of weight as girls often do but having a sister who is part stick-insect and born right on her heels caused her to be very self-conscious. Nothing we did could convince her that she was NOT fat and still a very beautiful little girl. Though she thinned up as she grew into a young lady, she continued to see herself as ugly. Again, nothing we did seemed to help her understand or see the beautiful person (inside AND out) that we saw. She always thought we were just saying that because we were her family and that we HAD to!
Then 2011 came and all the chaos that came with it: our divorce, my abusive relationship that they had to witness at times, the subsequent drama from the arrest that followed, my dating, our moving three times, changing schools, Dylan moving off to college...it was too much for this ADULT to take, let alone a teenager. I wish I had been more aware of and sensitive to that fact. But I had no idea...I didn't set out for any of that to happen even though I know it's all a result of a choice I made.
She became increasingly anxious, very depressed and bulimic. We had her start seeing a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a nutritionist but she really was not ready to hear what they had to say even though she was very honest with them. The doctor started her on prozac and she seemed to be doing a little bit better. But a few weeks ago she had the second of two complete meltdowns in which she was threatening to kill herself. I couldn't tell how serious she was but I didn't want to take any chances. Jeff and I took her and had her admitted to Hillcrest. She stayed for three days and came out a MUCH better person. I'm not sure if it was the slight increase in her dosage of medicine, the fact that we were concerned and demonstrated that we do take her pain seriously, the shelter shock of being where your every move is controlled or being housed with teenagers who have issues MUCH worse than hers but whatever it was, she was glad to get to come home!
She has a totally different perspective now. She's focusing on some wonderful activities, has decided to continue with dance and will even student teach this summer and she's excited about getting her driver's licence and her first job next month. I am so happy that my beautiful, smart, sweet daughter is starting to see herself that way!
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