I wrote part of this a few weeks ago. I was indeed very irritated at a certain member of the male species. Even though I'm over it and circumstances in my life have drastically changed since, I still feel it belongs in my blog. It's part of my thoughts and feelings, even though they are past thoughts and feelings and maybe it will serve to help somebody. Plus the anal, OCD side of me doesn't like to leave anything unfinished. So here it is:
Anyway...This dating/relationships/hooking up or whatever it's called is just stupid most of the time. I did not sign up for this. When I divorced my husband I was in love with someone else and even though I look back on it now and realize how crazy THAT idea was, I never anticipated being out here in a single person's world where the rules are all different than the last time I was "out here". Let's face it, I was married quite a bit longer than I was ever single and most of the time I was single, I wasn't even old enough to date! To say I'm out of practice is an understatement.
It seems like most of the time, men are interested in women they can't have and vice versa. People are afraid of caring too much for fear that the other person may not care at all and it's not very cool or hip or whatever the word is now to want a "relationship" with anybody. It's all about hook-ups. We'll get to that in a minute.
Let's talk about this "relationship" thing for a bit. I'm finding that a "relationship" to most people means something like a commitment between two people that are not yet engaged or ready to marry but most of the time, it's exclusive. There may or may not be sex involved but there usually is some degree of intimacy and a great deal of companionship.
For whatever reason, that freaks most people out, including myself, for a variety of reasons. In today's world, monogamous relationships are generally thought of the end of your world. People dread limiting themselves to one person for life (or any significant length of time really), monotony and boredom. Television, movies, books and all other manner of media joke about "old married couples" and scoff at people who attempt to devote themselves to one person. And it is scary. There is something inside most people that makes them always feel like the grass is always greener elsewhere and we don't learn that the grass is only greener where you water it until it's usually too late. We fear that we'll miss out on something extraordinary if we're tied down to the ordinary. And so we resist a "relationship".
I think we need to come up with a new term for it. A relationship is defined in a dictionary as a "connection, association or involvement with another person" therefore by definition, as soon as you meet someone, you form SOME kind of relationship. It can be taken to any level--casual acquaintance, friendship, romantic interest...whatever. But if you know someone, you have a "relationship". I have a "relationship" with my children. I have a "relationship" with my best friend. I have a "relationship" with that girl that does my nails. Let's get over the word "relationship", already, shall we?
In the dating world, as mentioned earlier, a "relationship" is usually not something most people want or they won't admit to it anyway. Complete and total freedom at whatever cost is the ultimate prize. It can be fun and definitely has its advantages.
For men, the advantages are pretty obvious. Commitment and responsibility free sex--and the way men are generally wired, that's perfect for them. They're dogs. And I don't mean that derogatorily but that's really a good comparison--they'll fuck anything that moves. Most usually don't even have to be attracted to the other person, if it's available they'll do it. Especially if there aren't any consequences.
For women, these "hookups" can also be advantageous. Especially for us older women who have reached our sexual prime--the sex can be outstanding! Not only that but you don't have a man living with you all the time, taking up all your free time, expecting you to cook, clean and be at his beck and call. You don't have to pretend you like to watch the UFC or constantly stoke his ego. You get the bed all to yourself (except for when you WANT to share it). You don't have to relinquish control of the remote and you can keep the thermostat set on whatever temperature you want! In fact, the ONLY time I usually miss having a man around regularly is when it's time to take the trash out but hey, no big deal, I can do that if it means I get all the other things!
The only problem is that, occasionally, during those incredible sexual encounters, it gets hard to separate the physical from the mental and emotional. Even if we know it going in, sometimes it's out of our control. Usually, when a woman has sex (also during childbirth) a hormone called oxytocin is released which causes us to bond with the person we're with. Sometimes, as much as we try not to, we develop feelings for that person, whether real or imagined. Generally (or in my experience anyway) putting a little time and distance between encounters (or perhaps never again!) helps to dissipate that feeling. If her sexual experience is somewhat limited, the hormone levels can be really high and depending on other factors (what's going on in other areas of life, health, etc.) it can get really weird sometimes.
In the sixteen short months since my divorce, only one of my "encounters/relationships/whatever" has been more than a casual hookup. A few others have been "friends with benefits" which usually doesn't turn out well because someone (and not always me haha) gets attached or gets "weirded" out. I've only had one successful friends with benefits relationship and that's because he's so much younger in years that I just don't let myself go there and because he's so much wiser than his years and definitely smarter than men MY age that we have just managed it well. We also don't spend a lot of time together in person but we do talk a lot. He's a sweetheart and God love him, one day when he's ready he will make a great "relationship" person for somebody.
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May 27, 2011
I rededicated my life to Christ May 18, 2011 so my attitudes about men, dating and sex have changed. It's not that I no longer believe any of the above, I am just trying to do what God wants me to do with my life and for now, all of that is on hold, at the very least.
I rededicated my life to Christ May 18, 2011 so my attitudes about men, dating and sex have changed. It's not that I no longer believe any of the above, I am just trying to do what God wants me to do with my life and for now, all of that is on hold, at the very least.
To sum it all up, I "hooked up" with the wrong person. I was attracted to him. I liked him. But I thought we were going out as friends at first. I knew he liked a friend of mine or at least I thought. What I did NOT know was that she liked him. She was always either in denial or evasive about her feelings for him. I did not go out with him with the intention of anything physical whatsoever happening. But he made the moves and I...well, I just didn't resist. He had told me that nothing was going on with the friend, that he hadn't talked to her much but afterward he asked me not to say anything to anyone because he didn't want her to find out.
Yep! Total sleazeball. But in all fairness, he's a man. He's human. He gave in to the flesh just like I did. I can't pretend that I'm not a little hurt. But I'm chalking it up more to the darn oxytocin than anything real.
I find it funny that men usually think women are the ones with the issues after a brief sexual encounter but in my experience, it's men. I have no problem being adult about the whole thing. I've been nothing but nice and professional towards him since. But he has chosen to distance himself for whatever reason. He posted a link on facebook one day about a public figure I follow. I couldn't pull it up at the time from my phone so when I got home later to use the laptop, I discovered that I'd since been blocked! How odd. Maybe he has something to hide...maybe he just didn't want to be tempted again (as if). Who knows. Better yet, who cares. If that's the kind of man he is, I don't even need him in my life as a friend or even an acquaintance and I pity anyone who does. :)
I forgive him. I forgive myself for feeling guilty when I had nothing to feel guilty about (except for sex outside of marriage but like I said, this was before my recommitment) I did nothing wrong and I handled everything right by being completely open and honest with the friend about what happened because I felt she deserved to know the kind of person she was dealing with. Seems as if being a person of integrity has backfired, as it usually does. Nothing in this world values honesty and integrity anymore.
Looking back on it now, it just seems to confirm what the Bible says about sex. It's like a river--when confined within the boundaries of the river bank, it's beautiful. When it overreaches those bounds, it's a disaster!
And maybe it was just the final push I needed to relinquish wanting to hold on to the lifestyle I was leading. It is so inviting. So tempting. So difficult to resist at times. But that is why we--or at least I--need to heed God's wisdom. Because what feels good at the moment usually ends up making you feel terrible a LOT longer than just a moment.
Blessings,
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