So here goes...

I know many have been waiting to hear all the gory details of what happened to me last weekend. I'll do my best to try and remember it all and I'll try not to sugarcoat it or dramatize it but I honestly dont know how I feel about it at present so if it doesn't make sense or you want to reach through the screen and strangle me, please remember, nothing like this has ever happened to me before...I'm new at this kind of thing so please show me some mercy and patience.

Last week was heavenly. Craig and I were getting along. I took him to the dentist for a toothache and even paid for part of it. He took me and the girls to church and we started making plans to move in together. Yes, I know...fast, especially in light of everything that had happened even up until this point. But like I said before, I am deeply in love with him. He had not been drinking and we were just having the best time being together.

We met with Jeff and the girls Thursday night to let them know it had been decided that I was moving in with Craig and that the girls were going to stay with their dad until the end of Summer. They seemed to be okay with that--I know they dont think much of Craig. They see him as the man that broke up their parents marriage even though I am still adamant that is NOT the case. I know how they feel though and I'm trying to respect and have patience for that.

The next day (Friday, April 8) was my birthday and Craig's mom was going to cook and unknown to me at the time had planned a party. My girls were coming over and I was really excited that they were making that concession for me. I went to work and when I got off, Craig was waiting for me in the parking lot as usual only holding up a bottle of vodka! It wasn't half gone but I could tell he was already drunk.

I asked him where he got it and he said he'd had it awhile. I dont believe that because I cleaned out his room the week before. I dont know where he got the money for it but it wasn't from me and I dont know why after he'd been doing so good he'd decided to drink again. He asked me what was wrong with me and I told him--you said you weren't going to drink again, that's what! He shrugged it off with a comment about me drinking a few a week ago at Shane's as a justification but I really didn't want to argue with him. I'd hoped to just keep the peace until he sobered up some because I didnt want my girls to come over that night and see him like that. We left my work and went to his sister's house where his mom was there cleaning.

When we got out, he walked up to the porch and I walked to the other side of the truck, got the bottle and poured it out. He was, of course, furious!

When I got to the porch he started punching me in the face and on the side of the head...I dont know how many times. I turned to try and keep him from hitting my face and he hit my arm. I was screaming and crying by that point and he was yelling and calling me names and his mother came out and started yelling at him, too.

He jumped in the truck and took off. I was left there with his mom who started calling his dad and his sister to tell them what happened. We tried to get in touch with him to get him to go home or come back but were unsuccessful.

My head was hurting SO BAD, I knew I probably needed to go to the hospital. I told Craig's sister and she said she'd tell her mom to take me. But when we got in the car, she really didn't seem that concerned about whether or not I was hurt. She was worried about getting home to prevent Terry (dad) and Craig from fighting and worried about Craig wrecking the truck. When I asked her to take me to the ER, she said she would but that she would have to leave me there so she could get home because if I told them it was domestic violence, they would surely come arrest Craig and she needed to be there (to hold his hand, I guess? I dont know)

I told her nevermind and so we went home. I went upstairs and my head was pounding and I was FURIOUS. I wanted to do something to get back at him for hurting me so I grabbed his laptop and hid it. He came in after and saw that it was gone and started yelling at me demanding to know where it was. Then he started hitting me in the head again. His parents came upstairs and asked where it was and I told them and they gave it to him! I knew right then and there I was fighting a losing battle...they've obviously ALWAYS given in to him and that's a big part of his problem. They enable him and then turn around and complain and wonder why he is the way he is. I began to be furious with them at that point. I called 911 but hangup halfway through the call. I was scared. I dont know why. So they sent a car out. Unbeknownst to me, his dad lied to the cop and told them that we were being silly and fighting over the internet (wtf?) Had I known what he was saying, I would have be livid enough to have them all dragged away right then and there. But I felt bad for his parents, even though a lot of this is their fault. I knew they would be the ones to have to bail him out and then I heard his mom say that if they arrested him, I'd have to leave too. Realizing I'd alienated most of my friends and family and really didnt feel like I had anywhere to go, I told the cop it was a misunderstanding because he'd been drinking and that I didn't want a warrant issued or anything. He took our information and left. I just closed the door to my room and tried to relax and calm down.

A few hours went by. I went downstairs to get something to drink (a coke) and visited with some friends of his parents for a little while. I'd already called Jeff by this point and told him not to bring the girls over--I was sick. I didn't want them to see Craig drunk or me all beaten.

I went back upstairs and wanted to lie down but there were no pillows in my room so I went in his room, thinking he was still passed out, to get a pillow. I just walked in, got a pillow and walked out without saying a word. Apparently this infuriated him and he started yelling but I didn't really hear him. The next thing I know, he's breaking down the door!

That's when his dad told me I would have to leave. I was so hurt and so mad. I saved his son from going to jail for what he did to me and he wants to throw MY ASS out on the street instead of dealing with the monster he created?

I packed what I could, called Shari and she took me to the emergency room. We were there for four hours and the same cop that came to the house came to take the report from my hospital room. I was given a CT scan and the doctor said it looked clear but advised Shari she'd need to wake me every few hours to make sure I didnt have a concussion. They gave me a shot and some prescriptions for pain and swelling and I was released.

My mom and sister came but I could tell my mother was not happy. And I dont mean just unhappy with him for what he did to me. My mother hates me. I can feel it in the tone of her voice, it's more than just anger and disappointment. Those I can understand. I made a terrible mistake, threw away my marriage and even though I've tried very hard not to--I've hurt a lot of people, including and especially my kids. I never meant to but it happened just the same. But for the life of me I dont know what I did to make her hate me like she does. I can't imagine feeling that much contempt for mine. No matter what they do, they will ALWAYS be my kids and if they tell me they need me, I'll be there. I'll hold them, wipe their tears and tell them it's gonna be okay even if I dont know that for sure because that's my job. All my mother can do is say, "What do you want me to do about it?" in a smart-ass tone of voice like I've interrupted her dinner or something.

Of course I got texts and calls from Craig all night long, cursing me out and threatening me if I ever came back but that wasn't unexpected. He was obviously still drunk.

The next morning, my mom came and got me and we went back to Craigs to pick up the things I'd left. I went to the Sheriff's office to swear out the warrant but turned out we went to the wrong place and would either have to go downtown or wait until Monday. I'd left the girls dance pictures there and he'd ripped them into pieces. So she took me to the jewelry store and I sold his gold ring that had been my temporary engagement ring. It almost covered what I spent at the dentist for him.

Shari threw me a birthday bash Saturday night. My kids came over and I told them what happened and that I'd be staying at Shari's after all. Jeff has also been very supportive--much more so than my own mother!

I got a message from Craig that afternoon telling me he loved me but I was still very mad. I told him he had a funny ass way of showing it.

Sunday I was lazy--my head was splitting but I did manage to swap a few messages with Craig. I tried to convince him to get help and that if he would, I would not press charges. He refused, of course.

Monday I realized that I'd left my bible in Craig's truck. I asked my sister if she would get it for me and my mother hit the roof. Cursed me out, told me that I was ungrateful and I just wanted to cause a bunch of drama, didn't care about anything but myself and my love life, etc. Told me to buy another bible and be done with it. I told her I'd written special things in it--like the dates the kids were dedicated, saved and baptized but she didnt care. She just told me if *I* didnt watch my smartass mouth I could find another way home. So I did.

I honestly dont know what the woman wants from me. I am doing the best I can with the choices I have left to me. But I honestly think I could join a convent and she would still find fault with it. Like I said before, she is just an angry, ugly, negative person for reasons that have little to do with anything anyone can control. So as much as it breaks my heart, I'm being nice and polite as long as I can for as long as I have to but I dont hold out much hope that our relationship will EVER be the same. I have lost my mother. It's just that simple.

So where does this leave me now? Good question. I've gotten LOTS and LOTS of support and well wishes from some of the best friends a girl could ask for. And naturally, I've gotten LOTS of advice. You can imagine the kind of advice I've gotten! And I dont disagree. In my head, I know what needs to be done. I hate that it falls to ME to teach someone what their parents should have taught them a LONG time ago--your actions have consequences! But that's the way it's looking...

I used to sit back and wonder about abused women...what the hell are they thinking? No way in hell would I ever put up with some damn man hitting on me--I'd blow his fucking head off! And part of me wants to.

Now there but for the grace of God go I. I am in their shoes, walking their walk, living their life. I never realized how difficult it really is to have to put someone you love in jail just to teach them a lesson. Even though my head and my heart are still hurting, the bruises are still there and the anger will still occasionally flare back up, I do still love him. I KNOW that this is not who he is. I've known him long enough (half my life) to know that he used to be a different person and I keep thinking that sweet guy from high school, the one that I still get to experience most of the time, is underneath all that rage. The years of his own head trauma from fighting, the brain damage from years of drug abuse, the forty years of being SPOILED DAMN ROTTEN have made this otherwise beautiful man turn into a monster at times--usually when he's drinking. He needs help. I know that. But I'm not sure I can be the one to get it for him. Everyone tells me I can't. Only one person has even suggested that I may be the ray of light that turns him around. And yes, she's probably as dillusional as I am.

I know all of this in my head. But I can't make my heart change what it feels. So I go back and forth from anger to regret to sorrow...I go from wanting to shoot him to wanting him to rot in prison to wanting to run back into his arms. It may sound sick to you but that's they way I feel.

I DO know, I will NEVER go back to his house. And Shari's made it VERY clear he's NOT welcome here. So seeing him will be extremely difficult. I want him to get help, if not for me for the next woman. But if I can't persuade him, then I know I have no choice. I can't look at my girls in the eye knowing I let an abuser just get away with it. I'm told I have up to a year to press charges but I've been advised not to wait that long. I dont know how long I will wait. I truly believe in forgiveness. But I know it has to go along with true repentence. I believe Jesus when He said to pray for your enemies and those who do you wrong and I pray more for Craig than I pray for myself. But I'm NOT as stupid as people think I am. I know that only he can change and only if he wants to and that it's is HE that has to do the work--I can't do it for him.

For now, I'm just trying to move forward with my life. I'm going to do all the things I wanted to do when I first got divorced--exercise, read, hang out with friends, paint, go places, do stuff, travel, take a class or two, learn something new, go on a mission trip, join a bible study, etc. And of course all that depends on transportation which at present I'm dependent on others for. Please pray God blesses me with wheels very soon. I need the independence and freedom that my own car will bring. I dont care if it's a Ford Pinto with no paint at this point. As long as I can get from point A to point B.

But there is one other thing I'm planning to do in addition to all of the above--I'm going to my first support group meeting for Domestic Violence Monday afternoon. The very women I used to look down on for being so "weak" and pitiful--I am one of them. We are NOT weak, nor pitiful. We are hurting, we love too deeply the wrong people sometimes. But we are survivors.

Thanks to everyone for their prayers, kind words and support! I love you all!