Okay....

where to begin...

well, our on-again, off-again relationship is back on-again. We are getting better at working out our arguments and differences and we have both stopped drinking. I know I bring a lot of baggage to the table, fresh off my divorce, etc and with my family not speaking to me (more on that later) so I try to remember that and have a little patience.

I am hopelessly and deeply in love with this man. I know everyone of my friends and family does not understand and a few of my bloggy friends that know all the gory details really do not understand or approve. I can't explain it to them, to you or even to myself. I just know what I feel and it isn't just physical.

There are a lot of things about us that do not work. And it's going to take a lot of work to make it work. Work work work! But I know that every time I think I'm strong enough or want to break it off, I am completely miserable. And when we're not together, I am completely miserable.

All that said, I DO have to make some tough decisions here in the next month or so...regarding where my kids will live, remarriage, where *I* will live, what my next career move is...

and a lot of that depends on things that are not in my control. And I think that's what God is trying to have me learn. I've always been a control freak. I like to know what's gonna happen. I have to have a plan. That's not to say that I don't like a good surprise or I cant be spontaneous, go with the flow if things dont work out as planned but I have to at least have one to begin with. I confess, right now, I have no plan. I know what I would LIKE to happen in an ideal world. I know what I pray for. But I've had to learn to take it one day at a time A LOT lately regarding a lot of things--relationships, housing, job, even food....

And I've learned I can only depend on two things: me and God.

It's funny I always thought I could depend on my family. There was a time when I knew without a doubt that my family had my back no matter what. I guess maybe I was wrong then, too. I'm not quite sure what happened. I know my mom is just not a happy person and hasn't been since Maw Maw died. I guess it's time to accept that she'll never be the person she used to be and I'm trying to understand that. After a loss like that, who would be? She has so much guilt regarding Maw Maw (although for the life of me I can't figure out why--the woman LIVED with us for 19 years and my mom was VERY GOOD to her) and I think the only way she can alleviate some of that guilt is if she makes herself (and everyone else in the process) miserable for the rest of her own life. And I'm not the only one with that theory, just so you know!

I have actually heard her say that she is trying her best to make us (me, Melanie and Mia) not be so close to her so that we won't hurt so badly when she passes away. Now tell me that's not messed up!

And my sisters...well, they are like me in a lot of ways--they dont like to cross mom if it doesnt directly involve them. It's easier to just take her side.

I know they don't approve of what I've done and I dont expect them to. I know they dont approve of the choices, tough choices, I am having to make because I am reaping the consequences of my own actions. I know they dont understand all the different emotions I have going on inside me right now and how I'm doing my best to handle my feelings as positively and productively as I can. But what can I say--I dont always succeed. I'm human, I'm flesh and fallible and sometimes I lose control.

I know they are grieving the breakup of my family, the loss of a son-in-law that they've grown to love and the realization that my children are now forever changed. What they dont seem to understand is that I am doing those things, too. They may not think so because they dont see...but I am. Oh God, I am.

What they dont realize is what's done is done. I can't undo it. It can't be fixed even if I wanted it to and I'm sorry, but I don't. It's been broken for a long time.

That's not to say I dont lie in bed some nights and wonder what would have happened had I done things differently. That's not to say I dont grieve...I definitely do. But ...I have to have faith.

I have faith that I raised three great kids--even my mom says so, even if they are damaged by some mistakes I have made over the years. And I know that they are going to be okay. Changed, yes. But they are tough kids and they will survive.

I have faith that I haven't fallen foolishly in love. That one's gonna take some convincing for some people...a lot of time...and like I said before, I lot of work.

I have faith that I have been forgiven by God and that in time, I will be forgiven by people as well.

I have faith that despite everything, God still loves me and wants to prosper and bless me and I can't wait to see what those plans and blessings will be.

I have faith that if family and friends can't get over this and be there to support me no matter what, then it means God has something even better waiting....though I honestly can't humanly imagine what could be better than my family and friends. So instead I'm gonna have faith that they will eventually come around. Either way, I'll be okay.