and again...

So I forgave him and gave him another chance but we broke up again yesterday.

I've learned to never say never and I do care about him a lot...but the bond (if there ever was one) is weakening. Or maybe I'm getting stronger. He didn't hit me this time but he just has issues, deep, troubling issues that I dont know how to handle. I thought I was a moody person...sheesh. It's just not going to work out and I think I'm finally cool with that. I gave it my best shot but you cant make people grow up and act right. Just wish I'd realized the kind of person he was sooner...oh well. Live & learn.

I've been talking to some other people and looking forward to my future as a single gal. I plan on having a good time now that I have the chance. Just need the freedom and independence of a car...ugh! That is KILLING me!

Only 25 more days of school for me and I have mixed emotions about that. Mostly I will be glad. This has been a really tough year for me as a teacher. Partly because of all the drama going on in my personal life but not entirely. This has been a really difficult class! And I cant help but compare them to last year's PERFECT class!

But the sad part is, besides the fact that I really will miss a few of them, is that I will be unemployed! I've been looking and pounding the proverbial pavement for months now, have sent out countless resumes and even went on a couple of interviews...just gotta keep trusting God that He has something out there for me and will bring it about in His perfect timing.

I started a new Bible study this week, also. It's called "Time for Healing: Making peace with your divorce" I'm learning a lot but some of it doesnt apply since I caused my own predicament...I dont really feel like a "victim" even though I do have wounds and scars.

Still reading "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and learning a lot from that as well. Started back exercising but still not into a good routine since I dont have a car but I do know I will have a chance to workout Monday and maybe even more this week.

Planning on doing a 5k (walking) with an old nemisis/new friend this Friday. Hope to do more of them, even if I cant run...

That's all that's new for me...have a blessed week!

Wow! What a blessing!

Thursday I got a surprise visit from someone VERY special...Mary Allen!

Mary is our sweet Brandon Ray Allen's mom. If you've been following my blog for awhile, you know that Brandon was a little boy the same age as Brooke that I have known for several years. I met him and his mom when I worked at Clayridge the first time and then we worked together again at the Academy in Leeds. I had Brandon whenever I did afterschool care and you could not ask for a better behaved more polite kid.

In October, he was walking home from a friend's house when he was hit by a car. He died at Children's Hospital a few days later. There is nothing more gut-wrenching than the death of a child, any child, but especially one so full of promise and just a joy to be around.

It's been six months and there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't thought of him and Brooke still talks about him a lot, too.

So you can imagine how my heart skipped a beat when his sweet precious mother walked into my classroom! She looked really good--much better than I think I would look if I'd lost my son only six months ago. But of course, she's different and always will be. She shared that she needed to get out of the house because she'd found Brandon's report card yesterday and she was tired of crying all the time. She shared more about what was going on with her personally but I'll keep that in the confidence I'm sure she meant for it to stay in. But all in all, I was amazed at her strength.

One thing that she did share that I just CANT keep to myself was that she is getting to meet a recipient of one of Brandon's organ's. In fact, this young lady is on the Team Brandon Facebook page and is a lovely young lady! That blows me away to actually know personally both the receiver and giver of such a precious gift! Mary also shared that a 17 year old girl received Brandon's heart and that she is praying to meet her one day soon so she can feel her baby's heart beating again...

That just gives me chills! How ANYONE in their right mind can be against organ donation is beyond me...

Don't take your organs to heaven--Heaven knows we need them here!!! Brandon's life, however short but precious has been able to make an impact not only on those he knew but now on MANY more...and just think of the many more THOSE people will be able to touch because of him. It just blows me away!

And it helped me to put a lot in perspective--no matter what is going on in my life, God manages to always show me how blessed I really am! Thank you, God!

And thank you, Brandon for the privelege and pleasure and honor it has been to know you and your mom. We love and miss you!

So here goes...

I know many have been waiting to hear all the gory details of what happened to me last weekend. I'll do my best to try and remember it all and I'll try not to sugarcoat it or dramatize it but I honestly dont know how I feel about it at present so if it doesn't make sense or you want to reach through the screen and strangle me, please remember, nothing like this has ever happened to me before...I'm new at this kind of thing so please show me some mercy and patience.

Last week was heavenly. Craig and I were getting along. I took him to the dentist for a toothache and even paid for part of it. He took me and the girls to church and we started making plans to move in together. Yes, I know...fast, especially in light of everything that had happened even up until this point. But like I said before, I am deeply in love with him. He had not been drinking and we were just having the best time being together.

We met with Jeff and the girls Thursday night to let them know it had been decided that I was moving in with Craig and that the girls were going to stay with their dad until the end of Summer. They seemed to be okay with that--I know they dont think much of Craig. They see him as the man that broke up their parents marriage even though I am still adamant that is NOT the case. I know how they feel though and I'm trying to respect and have patience for that.

The next day (Friday, April 8) was my birthday and Craig's mom was going to cook and unknown to me at the time had planned a party. My girls were coming over and I was really excited that they were making that concession for me. I went to work and when I got off, Craig was waiting for me in the parking lot as usual only holding up a bottle of vodka! It wasn't half gone but I could tell he was already drunk.

I asked him where he got it and he said he'd had it awhile. I dont believe that because I cleaned out his room the week before. I dont know where he got the money for it but it wasn't from me and I dont know why after he'd been doing so good he'd decided to drink again. He asked me what was wrong with me and I told him--you said you weren't going to drink again, that's what! He shrugged it off with a comment about me drinking a few a week ago at Shane's as a justification but I really didn't want to argue with him. I'd hoped to just keep the peace until he sobered up some because I didnt want my girls to come over that night and see him like that. We left my work and went to his sister's house where his mom was there cleaning.

When we got out, he walked up to the porch and I walked to the other side of the truck, got the bottle and poured it out. He was, of course, furious!

When I got to the porch he started punching me in the face and on the side of the head...I dont know how many times. I turned to try and keep him from hitting my face and he hit my arm. I was screaming and crying by that point and he was yelling and calling me names and his mother came out and started yelling at him, too.

He jumped in the truck and took off. I was left there with his mom who started calling his dad and his sister to tell them what happened. We tried to get in touch with him to get him to go home or come back but were unsuccessful.

My head was hurting SO BAD, I knew I probably needed to go to the hospital. I told Craig's sister and she said she'd tell her mom to take me. But when we got in the car, she really didn't seem that concerned about whether or not I was hurt. She was worried about getting home to prevent Terry (dad) and Craig from fighting and worried about Craig wrecking the truck. When I asked her to take me to the ER, she said she would but that she would have to leave me there so she could get home because if I told them it was domestic violence, they would surely come arrest Craig and she needed to be there (to hold his hand, I guess? I dont know)

I told her nevermind and so we went home. I went upstairs and my head was pounding and I was FURIOUS. I wanted to do something to get back at him for hurting me so I grabbed his laptop and hid it. He came in after and saw that it was gone and started yelling at me demanding to know where it was. Then he started hitting me in the head again. His parents came upstairs and asked where it was and I told them and they gave it to him! I knew right then and there I was fighting a losing battle...they've obviously ALWAYS given in to him and that's a big part of his problem. They enable him and then turn around and complain and wonder why he is the way he is. I began to be furious with them at that point. I called 911 but hangup halfway through the call. I was scared. I dont know why. So they sent a car out. Unbeknownst to me, his dad lied to the cop and told them that we were being silly and fighting over the internet (wtf?) Had I known what he was saying, I would have be livid enough to have them all dragged away right then and there. But I felt bad for his parents, even though a lot of this is their fault. I knew they would be the ones to have to bail him out and then I heard his mom say that if they arrested him, I'd have to leave too. Realizing I'd alienated most of my friends and family and really didnt feel like I had anywhere to go, I told the cop it was a misunderstanding because he'd been drinking and that I didn't want a warrant issued or anything. He took our information and left. I just closed the door to my room and tried to relax and calm down.

A few hours went by. I went downstairs to get something to drink (a coke) and visited with some friends of his parents for a little while. I'd already called Jeff by this point and told him not to bring the girls over--I was sick. I didn't want them to see Craig drunk or me all beaten.

I went back upstairs and wanted to lie down but there were no pillows in my room so I went in his room, thinking he was still passed out, to get a pillow. I just walked in, got a pillow and walked out without saying a word. Apparently this infuriated him and he started yelling but I didn't really hear him. The next thing I know, he's breaking down the door!

That's when his dad told me I would have to leave. I was so hurt and so mad. I saved his son from going to jail for what he did to me and he wants to throw MY ASS out on the street instead of dealing with the monster he created?

I packed what I could, called Shari and she took me to the emergency room. We were there for four hours and the same cop that came to the house came to take the report from my hospital room. I was given a CT scan and the doctor said it looked clear but advised Shari she'd need to wake me every few hours to make sure I didnt have a concussion. They gave me a shot and some prescriptions for pain and swelling and I was released.

My mom and sister came but I could tell my mother was not happy. And I dont mean just unhappy with him for what he did to me. My mother hates me. I can feel it in the tone of her voice, it's more than just anger and disappointment. Those I can understand. I made a terrible mistake, threw away my marriage and even though I've tried very hard not to--I've hurt a lot of people, including and especially my kids. I never meant to but it happened just the same. But for the life of me I dont know what I did to make her hate me like she does. I can't imagine feeling that much contempt for mine. No matter what they do, they will ALWAYS be my kids and if they tell me they need me, I'll be there. I'll hold them, wipe their tears and tell them it's gonna be okay even if I dont know that for sure because that's my job. All my mother can do is say, "What do you want me to do about it?" in a smart-ass tone of voice like I've interrupted her dinner or something.

Of course I got texts and calls from Craig all night long, cursing me out and threatening me if I ever came back but that wasn't unexpected. He was obviously still drunk.

The next morning, my mom came and got me and we went back to Craigs to pick up the things I'd left. I went to the Sheriff's office to swear out the warrant but turned out we went to the wrong place and would either have to go downtown or wait until Monday. I'd left the girls dance pictures there and he'd ripped them into pieces. So she took me to the jewelry store and I sold his gold ring that had been my temporary engagement ring. It almost covered what I spent at the dentist for him.

Shari threw me a birthday bash Saturday night. My kids came over and I told them what happened and that I'd be staying at Shari's after all. Jeff has also been very supportive--much more so than my own mother!

I got a message from Craig that afternoon telling me he loved me but I was still very mad. I told him he had a funny ass way of showing it.

Sunday I was lazy--my head was splitting but I did manage to swap a few messages with Craig. I tried to convince him to get help and that if he would, I would not press charges. He refused, of course.

Monday I realized that I'd left my bible in Craig's truck. I asked my sister if she would get it for me and my mother hit the roof. Cursed me out, told me that I was ungrateful and I just wanted to cause a bunch of drama, didn't care about anything but myself and my love life, etc. Told me to buy another bible and be done with it. I told her I'd written special things in it--like the dates the kids were dedicated, saved and baptized but she didnt care. She just told me if *I* didnt watch my smartass mouth I could find another way home. So I did.

I honestly dont know what the woman wants from me. I am doing the best I can with the choices I have left to me. But I honestly think I could join a convent and she would still find fault with it. Like I said before, she is just an angry, ugly, negative person for reasons that have little to do with anything anyone can control. So as much as it breaks my heart, I'm being nice and polite as long as I can for as long as I have to but I dont hold out much hope that our relationship will EVER be the same. I have lost my mother. It's just that simple.

So where does this leave me now? Good question. I've gotten LOTS and LOTS of support and well wishes from some of the best friends a girl could ask for. And naturally, I've gotten LOTS of advice. You can imagine the kind of advice I've gotten! And I dont disagree. In my head, I know what needs to be done. I hate that it falls to ME to teach someone what their parents should have taught them a LONG time ago--your actions have consequences! But that's the way it's looking...

I used to sit back and wonder about abused women...what the hell are they thinking? No way in hell would I ever put up with some damn man hitting on me--I'd blow his fucking head off! And part of me wants to.

Now there but for the grace of God go I. I am in their shoes, walking their walk, living their life. I never realized how difficult it really is to have to put someone you love in jail just to teach them a lesson. Even though my head and my heart are still hurting, the bruises are still there and the anger will still occasionally flare back up, I do still love him. I KNOW that this is not who he is. I've known him long enough (half my life) to know that he used to be a different person and I keep thinking that sweet guy from high school, the one that I still get to experience most of the time, is underneath all that rage. The years of his own head trauma from fighting, the brain damage from years of drug abuse, the forty years of being SPOILED DAMN ROTTEN have made this otherwise beautiful man turn into a monster at times--usually when he's drinking. He needs help. I know that. But I'm not sure I can be the one to get it for him. Everyone tells me I can't. Only one person has even suggested that I may be the ray of light that turns him around. And yes, she's probably as dillusional as I am.

I know all of this in my head. But I can't make my heart change what it feels. So I go back and forth from anger to regret to sorrow...I go from wanting to shoot him to wanting him to rot in prison to wanting to run back into his arms. It may sound sick to you but that's they way I feel.

I DO know, I will NEVER go back to his house. And Shari's made it VERY clear he's NOT welcome here. So seeing him will be extremely difficult. I want him to get help, if not for me for the next woman. But if I can't persuade him, then I know I have no choice. I can't look at my girls in the eye knowing I let an abuser just get away with it. I'm told I have up to a year to press charges but I've been advised not to wait that long. I dont know how long I will wait. I truly believe in forgiveness. But I know it has to go along with true repentence. I believe Jesus when He said to pray for your enemies and those who do you wrong and I pray more for Craig than I pray for myself. But I'm NOT as stupid as people think I am. I know that only he can change and only if he wants to and that it's is HE that has to do the work--I can't do it for him.

For now, I'm just trying to move forward with my life. I'm going to do all the things I wanted to do when I first got divorced--exercise, read, hang out with friends, paint, go places, do stuff, travel, take a class or two, learn something new, go on a mission trip, join a bible study, etc. And of course all that depends on transportation which at present I'm dependent on others for. Please pray God blesses me with wheels very soon. I need the independence and freedom that my own car will bring. I dont care if it's a Ford Pinto with no paint at this point. As long as I can get from point A to point B.

But there is one other thing I'm planning to do in addition to all of the above--I'm going to my first support group meeting for Domestic Violence Monday afternoon. The very women I used to look down on for being so "weak" and pitiful--I am one of them. We are NOT weak, nor pitiful. We are hurting, we love too deeply the wrong people sometimes. But we are survivors.

Thanks to everyone for their prayers, kind words and support! I love you all!

Okay....

where to begin...

well, our on-again, off-again relationship is back on-again. We are getting better at working out our arguments and differences and we have both stopped drinking. I know I bring a lot of baggage to the table, fresh off my divorce, etc and with my family not speaking to me (more on that later) so I try to remember that and have a little patience.

I am hopelessly and deeply in love with this man. I know everyone of my friends and family does not understand and a few of my bloggy friends that know all the gory details really do not understand or approve. I can't explain it to them, to you or even to myself. I just know what I feel and it isn't just physical.

There are a lot of things about us that do not work. And it's going to take a lot of work to make it work. Work work work! But I know that every time I think I'm strong enough or want to break it off, I am completely miserable. And when we're not together, I am completely miserable.

All that said, I DO have to make some tough decisions here in the next month or so...regarding where my kids will live, remarriage, where *I* will live, what my next career move is...

and a lot of that depends on things that are not in my control. And I think that's what God is trying to have me learn. I've always been a control freak. I like to know what's gonna happen. I have to have a plan. That's not to say that I don't like a good surprise or I cant be spontaneous, go with the flow if things dont work out as planned but I have to at least have one to begin with. I confess, right now, I have no plan. I know what I would LIKE to happen in an ideal world. I know what I pray for. But I've had to learn to take it one day at a time A LOT lately regarding a lot of things--relationships, housing, job, even food....

And I've learned I can only depend on two things: me and God.

It's funny I always thought I could depend on my family. There was a time when I knew without a doubt that my family had my back no matter what. I guess maybe I was wrong then, too. I'm not quite sure what happened. I know my mom is just not a happy person and hasn't been since Maw Maw died. I guess it's time to accept that she'll never be the person she used to be and I'm trying to understand that. After a loss like that, who would be? She has so much guilt regarding Maw Maw (although for the life of me I can't figure out why--the woman LIVED with us for 19 years and my mom was VERY GOOD to her) and I think the only way she can alleviate some of that guilt is if she makes herself (and everyone else in the process) miserable for the rest of her own life. And I'm not the only one with that theory, just so you know!

I have actually heard her say that she is trying her best to make us (me, Melanie and Mia) not be so close to her so that we won't hurt so badly when she passes away. Now tell me that's not messed up!

And my sisters...well, they are like me in a lot of ways--they dont like to cross mom if it doesnt directly involve them. It's easier to just take her side.

I know they don't approve of what I've done and I dont expect them to. I know they dont approve of the choices, tough choices, I am having to make because I am reaping the consequences of my own actions. I know they dont understand all the different emotions I have going on inside me right now and how I'm doing my best to handle my feelings as positively and productively as I can. But what can I say--I dont always succeed. I'm human, I'm flesh and fallible and sometimes I lose control.

I know they are grieving the breakup of my family, the loss of a son-in-law that they've grown to love and the realization that my children are now forever changed. What they dont seem to understand is that I am doing those things, too. They may not think so because they dont see...but I am. Oh God, I am.

What they dont realize is what's done is done. I can't undo it. It can't be fixed even if I wanted it to and I'm sorry, but I don't. It's been broken for a long time.

That's not to say I dont lie in bed some nights and wonder what would have happened had I done things differently. That's not to say I dont grieve...I definitely do. But ...I have to have faith.

I have faith that I raised three great kids--even my mom says so, even if they are damaged by some mistakes I have made over the years. And I know that they are going to be okay. Changed, yes. But they are tough kids and they will survive.

I have faith that I haven't fallen foolishly in love. That one's gonna take some convincing for some people...a lot of time...and like I said before, I lot of work.

I have faith that I have been forgiven by God and that in time, I will be forgiven by people as well.

I have faith that despite everything, God still loves me and wants to prosper and bless me and I can't wait to see what those plans and blessings will be.

I have faith that if family and friends can't get over this and be there to support me no matter what, then it means God has something even better waiting....though I honestly can't humanly imagine what could be better than my family and friends. So instead I'm gonna have faith that they will eventually come around. Either way, I'll be okay.