What a weekend...

After having such a nice, relaxing, pleasant spring break, the weekend brought chaos and calamity!

It began Friday with Craig being in a bad mood for whatever reason. He said he didn't feel well. Okay...

But he DID put on a pleasant attitude while we had lunch with my girls and we had a good time. As soon as we dropped the girls off though...

We'd planned on going to the SIP that night but on the way to the nail salon, he informed me he didnt want to go but told me to go ahead. I explained that I only wanted to go see her and Nett because I haven't talked to either of them since my divorce, etc. and he seemed ill but I thought THAT was because he didn't feel good. I even told him if he was going to be mad, I wouldn't go--something I've NEVER done before for ANYBODY! But he still told me to go on because if I came there we'd probably fight anyway.

So I went. Got some much needed SIP therapy for all my divorce drama and mama drama. Then I got a message telling me to come get my stuff and dont come back.

*sigh* here we go again...

So I did. Shari & I went to Christy's to lay by the pool--got me some sun and then I went to see connie that night. Came home and Shari's friend Steven was here and he was playing his guitar and we had the doors open, candles lit and the lights off, was like our own little concert!

But I had a breakdown and called Craig later and we decided we'd talk the next day so he went with me to see my dad who took us out to eat for my birthday (next month) and I caught him up on all the divorce/mama drama...

But Craig and I still weren't getting along and so I left and we had more of the same tension going on with messages back and forth etc.

Then this morning--and I've been told it could be the hormones I'm taking for this ovarian cyst I have--but everything just hit me like a ton of bricks!!!! I could NOT stop crying for NOTHING and what's worse, the kids saw (my class), I couldn't stop, couldn't hide it, couldn't do anything but just sob like I haven't sobbed in years. I just felt everything all at once--the death of my marriage which even though *I* killed it (for the most part) I had still not mourned, the guilt I have over the people I've hurt, especially my kids by turning their world completely UPSIDE DOWN, the tension I feel because my friends and Craig do not get along, the hurt I feel at several people as well as the hurt I dish out to others as well...

So I do what I do when I can't do anything else--I write. I jotted down all the random thoughts I had (see below) and I wrote Jeff a letter. No, I didnt beg him to take me back or anything like that but I just felt like after 21 years (actually 27) MORE needed to be said that the hateful, disgusting things that have already been said. He will ALWAYS be in my life--we will be those kids' parents for the next 100 years and I must say even though I dont like everything he does and I'm sure he has a certain amount of hatred for me, I can honestly say that I picked a good dad for my kids. I haven't been able to say ANYTHING bad about him, even when I'm mad and really do hope that if he can't ever forgive me, that he'll take comfort in the fact that I will always be tortured by what I've done and that one day, he WILL be happy again.

Then I got several messages from Craig...I love you, hope you're coming over, dont want to give up, etc.

So I told him flat out--I dont want to give up either. I can't deny what I feel for him. But I also can't and won't give up who I am for him either. I'm too old and set in my ways just like he is. I guess we're going to have to keep making a consious decision every week, every day that we realize it's going to be a LOT of work, that the odds are against us and we're just going to have to try harder every time until we reach the point where we do give up. And who knows when that will be...I would like to believe never but I'm not THAT out of touch with reality despite what my mother thinks right now.

So it's the girls night to go to their dads anyway--they have CORE tomorrow and it's easier if they stay with him on those nights. So I'm headed back for one more try...maybe the last. Who knows. I'm trying not to think about it too much just yet.

Like Donna said, I need to figure out who I am as a single mom/person and let it be just me and God for awhile. I cant fix what doesnt realize it's broken, especially when *I* am broken myself. Putting it all in God's hands, once and for all...