wow, a week can really turn one's world upside down and back again!
I am currently not speaking to my mother again...or she is not speaking to me, not sure which. But it got to where we were on somewhat civil terms again and I was calling and talking to her everyday until last Friday...
It was my weekend to have the kids and of course, thanks to my ex-husband, I have no car. I had wanted to drive to Talladega and watch Taylor play baseball so I asked my mom if I could borrow her truck:
"You put on facebook that you were broke! How do you expect to put gas in it?"
"Mom, I was exaggerating a little...I have some money."
"And how do you expect to make a car payment with no money."
"Again, mom, I have some money and I will make a car payment when I get paid again--I'm in between paychecks right now, you know how that is."
"Are you back with Craig?"
And therein lies the REAL reason behind the hostility!
"Yes, sort of..."
"I just dont understand you!"
"Well, look I didnt call to be bitched at so I'll just talk to you later." and I hang up. If I've learned ONE thing in my life, it is that some arguments are just pointless and I am better off just walking away!
But then I get an angry voicemail followed by several text messages telling me how I'm no good, I have a problem with communication because anytime anyone asks me anything I get mad and hang up. I tried to explain, I dont have a problem with the questions, just the manner and tone in which they are being asked.
Then I get told that I am hurting my children, all I care about is my sex life and that I keep asking to borrow things but dont want anyone to ask any questions.
W T F ?????
Okay, I know the kids are hurting. Divorce hurts. I'm sorry and I'm really doing the best I can with the choices I have. I realize I made my bed and I'm content to lie in it. It may take some time but the kids will be fine. Yes, they will be forever changed but not necessarily for the worse.
My sex life? What the hell is that all about? I dont mind sharing--I've been with THREE men my entire life--the one I'm with now, the one I was married to for 21 years and one other (that was a HUGE mistake).
And asking to borrow things? Other than asking to borrow the truck this ONE time, the only other thing I asked for was a co-sign on a car loan which she wasn't able to do anyway.
I just told her that if I was such a HUGE disappointment to her then she didn't have to worry about me anymore. She said fine because I do what I want to do and dont care who I hurt. Bull.
I never NEVER never set out to hurt ANYONE. Not Jeff, not the kids and least of all--everyone else whose business it is NOT!!! What happened to family that was supposed to love you unconditionally? All I EVER have wanted from my mom was for her to put her arms around me, tell me she loves me and because she loves me, everything is going to work out. I dont need her to "fix" stuff, I dont need advice--I have to figure things out on my own and I definitely don't need the negativity and criticism. Life is way too short.
I hope and pray that we can resolve things one day. Everyone keeps telling me I have to give them time. I'm trying...I really am. But it's been two months and I know that's not a long time but the initial shock should be over with by now. And they all act as if I have a choice--which I dont! I'm just trying to do the best I can, to pick up the pieces of a shattered life and find the good in things and move forward.
And as for moving forward, I had another job interview Monday with Childcare Resources. It went very well and I hope that I hear from them or Birmingham-Southern soon! I'm ready to start earning a full-time paycheck and get into some kind of routine or resemblance of a normal life.
As for my relationship with Craig...since I didn't have to work this week (not my choice--I asked but I didnt get put on the schedule) we've spent a LOT of time together and it has all been good! Up until about an hour ago....lol but we're learning how to handle/react to each other and I'm letting him simmer down. He's currently passed out asleep next to me. I love watching him sleep. Sometimes I tell myself that there are just too many things about us that dont work. But then I look at him and my heart just melts. I dont know what it is. And I tell myself that some people aren't ALWAYS easy to love. And I dont think he's ever really been loved. Not like I want to love him anyway...I guess time will tell.
Kayti and I had a spat Monday and she informed me she wanted to go live with Jeff. My heart literally broke...that is the HARDEST thing to hear--that your kids dont want to be with you and while I've already going through this with Dylan, I never expected it from one of my girls.
But I dont want to force them to do anything they dont want to do. I know it's gonna take some time to get used to things being so different and maybe their dad is a bit more stable right now (hell, he has a car, at least!) But after a lot of discussion and several days of cooling off, I think we're gonna stick with the original plan.
I had to see my GYN on Wednesday--no big deal, have some ovarian cysts and he gave me some medicine to get rid of them. Of course, the medicine gives me chills and makes me nauseous and he wants to see me back in three weeks which means...
I gotta figure out how I'm gonna come up with $425 for COBRA insurance--at least for one more month!
I need so much prayer right now. I really need for God to do something big in my life. If this relationship is meant to be, I need more patience. And he needs to try a lot harder. If it's not, I need to figure out how to get out of it without turning things upside down once again. I'm tired of drama. I miss my nice, safe little bubble sometimes!
I need for hearts to heal. Mine as well as everyone else's.
I need not for God to drop money out of the sky (although that would be nice!) but to provide a way for me to earn what I need to provide a good life for myself and my children.
I need a routine. My life makes no sense any other way. I need Jesus and my daily time with Him that I haven't been getting, I need my church, I need to workout and I need to be with my kids as much as possible. The only way for me to accomplish this is to get a CAR!!!
Mainly, I just need peace. And that can only come from Him, I know. So pray He sees fit to send me some!
Blessings!
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