That's the way I feel today. Yes, I am having a day. I can't say it's a bad day...I've had worse recently. But I've also had better, though they feel as if they are starting to come fewer and farther between.
I'm still only working part-time, teaching and I'm gonna be flat-out honest here. I hate it this year. My class is awful. Don't get me wrong, I love those kids...individually. Even the ones that misbehave the worst. But altogether...oh my gosh, they dont mind, they dont listen, they dont stop talking ever...it's all I can do to make it from 8-12 every day and I HATE that because I always LOVED teaching...But I'm burning out fast.
Had a job interview yesterday and it went pretty well. I hope I get it or something soon--I am SO TIRED of living like a gypsy staying here there and everywhere. I want to get some wheels of my own so I can get my kids and I into a regular routine! I have another job interview Monday so chances are things are going to turn around soon...at least I pray they do!
I'm not really sure how things are with me and Craig right now. I know how I feel...I also know that we are having a difficult time adjusting to being around each other so much and yet when we're apart we're miserable. Sometimes I lie awake and think...is this really what I want? And he doesn't read my blogs so I'm not worried about him seeing this and if he does, I hope he knows that I only feel this way because of some things that have been said and done in the last few weeks. It's just got me feeling like I'm on shaky ground emotionally and I am not used to that kind of feeling. Sweetee if you are reading this...please know that I DO love you and enjoy our time together...I'm just an emotional wreck right now!
No, I did NOT give up my marriage/family for this. My marriage was over a long time ago...we just didn't want to admit it. And regardless of what you guys think of me, know that I have paid the ULTIMATE price for my freedom...I have lost my son. For now anyway...he wants nothing to do with me. He blames me even though I know that his dad is doing his best not to let him think bad things about me. As funny as it sounds, I have gained a lot of respect for my ex-husband during our divorce process...though I am very angry with him still over a lot of things. We will adjust and we will both be fine.
My girls seem to be resilient also. They dont talk about it much, they are just going with the flow and trying to keep doing their thing, having fun and for that I'm glad. But I'm really worried about my son. It rips my heart out to know how he really feels about me right now because he is the most important thing in my life..the best thing I've ever done and always has been the light of my life. But even if he hates me for the rest of his life, I'd rather him do that and not miss out on the good things he's destined for than to throw it all away because he is so angry. I wish we could talk...I really really do. I wish...I wish a lot of things.
I guess I will, like everything else, have to give that over to God. There are some relationships that only He can restore...I just hope He has mercy on me and does so very soon!
With the exception of a few, the rest of my family is not speaking to me either. I really wish they could understand but I can't really blame them--I dont understand either. All I know is what is done is done and I'm doing the best that I can with the choices that I have--which are not many right now! I guess I will have to give them time also to deal with their feelings about the whole situation but right now I have to concentrate on myself and my kids...can't spend too much time seeking their approval.
Brooke and I are bunkered down for the night...we got ice cream and McDonalds and are just relaxing. I will get Kayti tomorrow--she spent the night at a friend's house. Not sure what we'll do this weekend but we'll figure something out!
Have a good one!
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