I haven't blogged in a while--10 days and that's a while for me. And although I've had a lot on my mind, I just haven't felt like trying to put it into words. My family hates my guts, most of my friends think I'm nuts (and they're probably right) and me...I just don't know what to do from one minute to the next. That's it in a nutshell.
Will share more details when I have the energy...(so don't hold your breath for very long...I'm really really tired and give out!)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
What a weekend...
After having such a nice, relaxing, pleasant spring break, the weekend brought chaos and calamity!
It began Friday with Craig being in a bad mood for whatever reason. He said he didn't feel well. Okay...
But he DID put on a pleasant attitude while we had lunch with my girls and we had a good time. As soon as we dropped the girls off though...
We'd planned on going to the SIP that night but on the way to the nail salon, he informed me he didnt want to go but told me to go ahead. I explained that I only wanted to go see her and Nett because I haven't talked to either of them since my divorce, etc. and he seemed ill but I thought THAT was because he didn't feel good. I even told him if he was going to be mad, I wouldn't go--something I've NEVER done before for ANYBODY! But he still told me to go on because if I came there we'd probably fight anyway.
So I went. Got some much needed SIP therapy for all my divorce drama and mama drama. Then I got a message telling me to come get my stuff and dont come back.
*sigh* here we go again...
So I did. Shari & I went to Christy's to lay by the pool--got me some sun and then I went to see connie that night. Came home and Shari's friend Steven was here and he was playing his guitar and we had the doors open, candles lit and the lights off, was like our own little concert!
But I had a breakdown and called Craig later and we decided we'd talk the next day so he went with me to see my dad who took us out to eat for my birthday (next month) and I caught him up on all the divorce/mama drama...
But Craig and I still weren't getting along and so I left and we had more of the same tension going on with messages back and forth etc.
Then this morning--and I've been told it could be the hormones I'm taking for this ovarian cyst I have--but everything just hit me like a ton of bricks!!!! I could NOT stop crying for NOTHING and what's worse, the kids saw (my class), I couldn't stop, couldn't hide it, couldn't do anything but just sob like I haven't sobbed in years. I just felt everything all at once--the death of my marriage which even though *I* killed it (for the most part) I had still not mourned, the guilt I have over the people I've hurt, especially my kids by turning their world completely UPSIDE DOWN, the tension I feel because my friends and Craig do not get along, the hurt I feel at several people as well as the hurt I dish out to others as well...
So I do what I do when I can't do anything else--I write. I jotted down all the random thoughts I had (see below) and I wrote Jeff a letter. No, I didnt beg him to take me back or anything like that but I just felt like after 21 years (actually 27) MORE needed to be said that the hateful, disgusting things that have already been said. He will ALWAYS be in my life--we will be those kids' parents for the next 100 years and I must say even though I dont like everything he does and I'm sure he has a certain amount of hatred for me, I can honestly say that I picked a good dad for my kids. I haven't been able to say ANYTHING bad about him, even when I'm mad and really do hope that if he can't ever forgive me, that he'll take comfort in the fact that I will always be tortured by what I've done and that one day, he WILL be happy again.
Then I got several messages from Craig...I love you, hope you're coming over, dont want to give up, etc.
So I told him flat out--I dont want to give up either. I can't deny what I feel for him. But I also can't and won't give up who I am for him either. I'm too old and set in my ways just like he is. I guess we're going to have to keep making a consious decision every week, every day that we realize it's going to be a LOT of work, that the odds are against us and we're just going to have to try harder every time until we reach the point where we do give up. And who knows when that will be...I would like to believe never but I'm not THAT out of touch with reality despite what my mother thinks right now.
So it's the girls night to go to their dads anyway--they have CORE tomorrow and it's easier if they stay with him on those nights. So I'm headed back for one more try...maybe the last. Who knows. I'm trying not to think about it too much just yet.
Like Donna said, I need to figure out who I am as a single mom/person and let it be just me and God for awhile. I cant fix what doesnt realize it's broken, especially when *I* am broken myself. Putting it all in God's hands, once and for all...
It began Friday with Craig being in a bad mood for whatever reason. He said he didn't feel well. Okay...
But he DID put on a pleasant attitude while we had lunch with my girls and we had a good time. As soon as we dropped the girls off though...
We'd planned on going to the SIP that night but on the way to the nail salon, he informed me he didnt want to go but told me to go ahead. I explained that I only wanted to go see her and Nett because I haven't talked to either of them since my divorce, etc. and he seemed ill but I thought THAT was because he didn't feel good. I even told him if he was going to be mad, I wouldn't go--something I've NEVER done before for ANYBODY! But he still told me to go on because if I came there we'd probably fight anyway.
So I went. Got some much needed SIP therapy for all my divorce drama and mama drama. Then I got a message telling me to come get my stuff and dont come back.
*sigh* here we go again...
So I did. Shari & I went to Christy's to lay by the pool--got me some sun and then I went to see connie that night. Came home and Shari's friend Steven was here and he was playing his guitar and we had the doors open, candles lit and the lights off, was like our own little concert!
But I had a breakdown and called Craig later and we decided we'd talk the next day so he went with me to see my dad who took us out to eat for my birthday (next month) and I caught him up on all the divorce/mama drama...
But Craig and I still weren't getting along and so I left and we had more of the same tension going on with messages back and forth etc.
Then this morning--and I've been told it could be the hormones I'm taking for this ovarian cyst I have--but everything just hit me like a ton of bricks!!!! I could NOT stop crying for NOTHING and what's worse, the kids saw (my class), I couldn't stop, couldn't hide it, couldn't do anything but just sob like I haven't sobbed in years. I just felt everything all at once--the death of my marriage which even though *I* killed it (for the most part) I had still not mourned, the guilt I have over the people I've hurt, especially my kids by turning their world completely UPSIDE DOWN, the tension I feel because my friends and Craig do not get along, the hurt I feel at several people as well as the hurt I dish out to others as well...
So I do what I do when I can't do anything else--I write. I jotted down all the random thoughts I had (see below) and I wrote Jeff a letter. No, I didnt beg him to take me back or anything like that but I just felt like after 21 years (actually 27) MORE needed to be said that the hateful, disgusting things that have already been said. He will ALWAYS be in my life--we will be those kids' parents for the next 100 years and I must say even though I dont like everything he does and I'm sure he has a certain amount of hatred for me, I can honestly say that I picked a good dad for my kids. I haven't been able to say ANYTHING bad about him, even when I'm mad and really do hope that if he can't ever forgive me, that he'll take comfort in the fact that I will always be tortured by what I've done and that one day, he WILL be happy again.
Then I got several messages from Craig...I love you, hope you're coming over, dont want to give up, etc.
So I told him flat out--I dont want to give up either. I can't deny what I feel for him. But I also can't and won't give up who I am for him either. I'm too old and set in my ways just like he is. I guess we're going to have to keep making a consious decision every week, every day that we realize it's going to be a LOT of work, that the odds are against us and we're just going to have to try harder every time until we reach the point where we do give up. And who knows when that will be...I would like to believe never but I'm not THAT out of touch with reality despite what my mother thinks right now.
So it's the girls night to go to their dads anyway--they have CORE tomorrow and it's easier if they stay with him on those nights. So I'm headed back for one more try...maybe the last. Who knows. I'm trying not to think about it too much just yet.
Like Donna said, I need to figure out who I am as a single mom/person and let it be just me and God for awhile. I cant fix what doesnt realize it's broken, especially when *I* am broken myself. Putting it all in God's hands, once and for all...
Random thoughts from Monday, March 20, 2011
Nothing has to be decided today! Give God time to work! ~~8:30 a.m.
Thank you, God for the comfort of your love in the form of a child's sweet hug! ~~8:35 a.m.
People come to Jesus when they are broken because in pieces, Jesus can use them to feed a multitude of people whereas a solid loaf will only satisfy a few people. (from Daily Devotional 9:30 a.m.)
Surrender your mistakes to the Lord. He can use them to make the pattern of your life more beautiful. ~~Corrie ten Boom (daily devotional 9:45 a.m.)
Thank you, God for the comfort of your love in the form of a child's sweet hug! ~~8:35 a.m.
People come to Jesus when they are broken because in pieces, Jesus can use them to feed a multitude of people whereas a solid loaf will only satisfy a few people. (from Daily Devotional 9:30 a.m.)
Surrender your mistakes to the Lord. He can use them to make the pattern of your life more beautiful. ~~Corrie ten Boom (daily devotional 9:45 a.m.)
Things I have lost since living like a gypsy:
Me, Miss Highly-organized-never-loses-anything-always-knows-where-crap-is has lost the following items in the last two months:
my pink hairbrush
BOTH cords to my Mp3 player
BOTH tubes of Bath & Body Works lip gloss that I LOVE!
a book bag
a bottle of Crown Royal that was in said bookbag
2 DVD's that were in the aforementioned bookbag
And it is driving me INSANE! Guess that's what I get when I have to stay here, there and everywhere but I have LOOKED here, there and everywhere and I can't find ANY of it.
Lately I think I would lose my mind if...oh wait, I think after the day I've had today--I've lost that, too!
my pink hairbrush
BOTH cords to my Mp3 player
BOTH tubes of Bath & Body Works lip gloss that I LOVE!
a book bag
a bottle of Crown Royal that was in said bookbag
2 DVD's that were in the aforementioned bookbag
And it is driving me INSANE! Guess that's what I get when I have to stay here, there and everywhere but I have LOOKED here, there and everywhere and I can't find ANY of it.
Lately I think I would lose my mind if...oh wait, I think after the day I've had today--I've lost that, too!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Good God...so sick of this shit!
Oh my gosh! Tired of moody-ass men! Who says that men don't have pms or periods or WTF ever!!!! I personally think the one I have fallen for is bipolar or something....I really don't understand how someone can be so selfish that they treat the people who love & are good to them like total crap! But at least I'm starting to develop a sense of self and getting a backbone! I really don't like the person I have turned into when I'm with him so even though I love him dearly...gonna have to say I'm done...balls in his court. If he wants to make anything of what's left of his life he's gonna have to change...but I am not holding my breath.
I have got to start focusing on myself and my kids...its WAY past time for that. Don't know what tomorrow is g,ping to bring but at least I know I can dface it...because I will be ME!
I have got to start focusing on myself and my kids...its WAY past time for that. Don't know what tomorrow is g,ping to bring but at least I know I can dface it...because I will be ME!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
weekly update on my chaotic life...
wow, a week can really turn one's world upside down and back again!
I am currently not speaking to my mother again...or she is not speaking to me, not sure which. But it got to where we were on somewhat civil terms again and I was calling and talking to her everyday until last Friday...
It was my weekend to have the kids and of course, thanks to my ex-husband, I have no car. I had wanted to drive to Talladega and watch Taylor play baseball so I asked my mom if I could borrow her truck:
"You put on facebook that you were broke! How do you expect to put gas in it?"
"Mom, I was exaggerating a little...I have some money."
"And how do you expect to make a car payment with no money."
"Again, mom, I have some money and I will make a car payment when I get paid again--I'm in between paychecks right now, you know how that is."
"Are you back with Craig?"
And therein lies the REAL reason behind the hostility!
"Yes, sort of..."
"I just dont understand you!"
"Well, look I didnt call to be bitched at so I'll just talk to you later." and I hang up. If I've learned ONE thing in my life, it is that some arguments are just pointless and I am better off just walking away!
But then I get an angry voicemail followed by several text messages telling me how I'm no good, I have a problem with communication because anytime anyone asks me anything I get mad and hang up. I tried to explain, I dont have a problem with the questions, just the manner and tone in which they are being asked.
Then I get told that I am hurting my children, all I care about is my sex life and that I keep asking to borrow things but dont want anyone to ask any questions.
W T F ?????
Okay, I know the kids are hurting. Divorce hurts. I'm sorry and I'm really doing the best I can with the choices I have. I realize I made my bed and I'm content to lie in it. It may take some time but the kids will be fine. Yes, they will be forever changed but not necessarily for the worse.
My sex life? What the hell is that all about? I dont mind sharing--I've been with THREE men my entire life--the one I'm with now, the one I was married to for 21 years and one other (that was a HUGE mistake).
And asking to borrow things? Other than asking to borrow the truck this ONE time, the only other thing I asked for was a co-sign on a car loan which she wasn't able to do anyway.
I just told her that if I was such a HUGE disappointment to her then she didn't have to worry about me anymore. She said fine because I do what I want to do and dont care who I hurt. Bull.
I never NEVER never set out to hurt ANYONE. Not Jeff, not the kids and least of all--everyone else whose business it is NOT!!! What happened to family that was supposed to love you unconditionally? All I EVER have wanted from my mom was for her to put her arms around me, tell me she loves me and because she loves me, everything is going to work out. I dont need her to "fix" stuff, I dont need advice--I have to figure things out on my own and I definitely don't need the negativity and criticism. Life is way too short.
I hope and pray that we can resolve things one day. Everyone keeps telling me I have to give them time. I'm trying...I really am. But it's been two months and I know that's not a long time but the initial shock should be over with by now. And they all act as if I have a choice--which I dont! I'm just trying to do the best I can, to pick up the pieces of a shattered life and find the good in things and move forward.
And as for moving forward, I had another job interview Monday with Childcare Resources. It went very well and I hope that I hear from them or Birmingham-Southern soon! I'm ready to start earning a full-time paycheck and get into some kind of routine or resemblance of a normal life.
As for my relationship with Craig...since I didn't have to work this week (not my choice--I asked but I didnt get put on the schedule) we've spent a LOT of time together and it has all been good! Up until about an hour ago....lol but we're learning how to handle/react to each other and I'm letting him simmer down. He's currently passed out asleep next to me. I love watching him sleep. Sometimes I tell myself that there are just too many things about us that dont work. But then I look at him and my heart just melts. I dont know what it is. And I tell myself that some people aren't ALWAYS easy to love. And I dont think he's ever really been loved. Not like I want to love him anyway...I guess time will tell.
Kayti and I had a spat Monday and she informed me she wanted to go live with Jeff. My heart literally broke...that is the HARDEST thing to hear--that your kids dont want to be with you and while I've already going through this with Dylan, I never expected it from one of my girls.
But I dont want to force them to do anything they dont want to do. I know it's gonna take some time to get used to things being so different and maybe their dad is a bit more stable right now (hell, he has a car, at least!) But after a lot of discussion and several days of cooling off, I think we're gonna stick with the original plan.
I had to see my GYN on Wednesday--no big deal, have some ovarian cysts and he gave me some medicine to get rid of them. Of course, the medicine gives me chills and makes me nauseous and he wants to see me back in three weeks which means...
I gotta figure out how I'm gonna come up with $425 for COBRA insurance--at least for one more month!
I need so much prayer right now. I really need for God to do something big in my life. If this relationship is meant to be, I need more patience. And he needs to try a lot harder. If it's not, I need to figure out how to get out of it without turning things upside down once again. I'm tired of drama. I miss my nice, safe little bubble sometimes!
I need for hearts to heal. Mine as well as everyone else's.
I need not for God to drop money out of the sky (although that would be nice!) but to provide a way for me to earn what I need to provide a good life for myself and my children.
I need a routine. My life makes no sense any other way. I need Jesus and my daily time with Him that I haven't been getting, I need my church, I need to workout and I need to be with my kids as much as possible. The only way for me to accomplish this is to get a CAR!!!
Mainly, I just need peace. And that can only come from Him, I know. So pray He sees fit to send me some!
Blessings!
I am currently not speaking to my mother again...or she is not speaking to me, not sure which. But it got to where we were on somewhat civil terms again and I was calling and talking to her everyday until last Friday...
It was my weekend to have the kids and of course, thanks to my ex-husband, I have no car. I had wanted to drive to Talladega and watch Taylor play baseball so I asked my mom if I could borrow her truck:
"You put on facebook that you were broke! How do you expect to put gas in it?"
"Mom, I was exaggerating a little...I have some money."
"And how do you expect to make a car payment with no money."
"Again, mom, I have some money and I will make a car payment when I get paid again--I'm in between paychecks right now, you know how that is."
"Are you back with Craig?"
And therein lies the REAL reason behind the hostility!
"Yes, sort of..."
"I just dont understand you!"
"Well, look I didnt call to be bitched at so I'll just talk to you later." and I hang up. If I've learned ONE thing in my life, it is that some arguments are just pointless and I am better off just walking away!
But then I get an angry voicemail followed by several text messages telling me how I'm no good, I have a problem with communication because anytime anyone asks me anything I get mad and hang up. I tried to explain, I dont have a problem with the questions, just the manner and tone in which they are being asked.
Then I get told that I am hurting my children, all I care about is my sex life and that I keep asking to borrow things but dont want anyone to ask any questions.
W T F ?????
Okay, I know the kids are hurting. Divorce hurts. I'm sorry and I'm really doing the best I can with the choices I have. I realize I made my bed and I'm content to lie in it. It may take some time but the kids will be fine. Yes, they will be forever changed but not necessarily for the worse.
My sex life? What the hell is that all about? I dont mind sharing--I've been with THREE men my entire life--the one I'm with now, the one I was married to for 21 years and one other (that was a HUGE mistake).
And asking to borrow things? Other than asking to borrow the truck this ONE time, the only other thing I asked for was a co-sign on a car loan which she wasn't able to do anyway.
I just told her that if I was such a HUGE disappointment to her then she didn't have to worry about me anymore. She said fine because I do what I want to do and dont care who I hurt. Bull.
I never NEVER never set out to hurt ANYONE. Not Jeff, not the kids and least of all--everyone else whose business it is NOT!!! What happened to family that was supposed to love you unconditionally? All I EVER have wanted from my mom was for her to put her arms around me, tell me she loves me and because she loves me, everything is going to work out. I dont need her to "fix" stuff, I dont need advice--I have to figure things out on my own and I definitely don't need the negativity and criticism. Life is way too short.
I hope and pray that we can resolve things one day. Everyone keeps telling me I have to give them time. I'm trying...I really am. But it's been two months and I know that's not a long time but the initial shock should be over with by now. And they all act as if I have a choice--which I dont! I'm just trying to do the best I can, to pick up the pieces of a shattered life and find the good in things and move forward.
And as for moving forward, I had another job interview Monday with Childcare Resources. It went very well and I hope that I hear from them or Birmingham-Southern soon! I'm ready to start earning a full-time paycheck and get into some kind of routine or resemblance of a normal life.
As for my relationship with Craig...since I didn't have to work this week (not my choice--I asked but I didnt get put on the schedule) we've spent a LOT of time together and it has all been good! Up until about an hour ago....lol but we're learning how to handle/react to each other and I'm letting him simmer down. He's currently passed out asleep next to me. I love watching him sleep. Sometimes I tell myself that there are just too many things about us that dont work. But then I look at him and my heart just melts. I dont know what it is. And I tell myself that some people aren't ALWAYS easy to love. And I dont think he's ever really been loved. Not like I want to love him anyway...I guess time will tell.
Kayti and I had a spat Monday and she informed me she wanted to go live with Jeff. My heart literally broke...that is the HARDEST thing to hear--that your kids dont want to be with you and while I've already going through this with Dylan, I never expected it from one of my girls.
But I dont want to force them to do anything they dont want to do. I know it's gonna take some time to get used to things being so different and maybe their dad is a bit more stable right now (hell, he has a car, at least!) But after a lot of discussion and several days of cooling off, I think we're gonna stick with the original plan.
I had to see my GYN on Wednesday--no big deal, have some ovarian cysts and he gave me some medicine to get rid of them. Of course, the medicine gives me chills and makes me nauseous and he wants to see me back in three weeks which means...
I gotta figure out how I'm gonna come up with $425 for COBRA insurance--at least for one more month!
I need so much prayer right now. I really need for God to do something big in my life. If this relationship is meant to be, I need more patience. And he needs to try a lot harder. If it's not, I need to figure out how to get out of it without turning things upside down once again. I'm tired of drama. I miss my nice, safe little bubble sometimes!
I need for hearts to heal. Mine as well as everyone else's.
I need not for God to drop money out of the sky (although that would be nice!) but to provide a way for me to earn what I need to provide a good life for myself and my children.
I need a routine. My life makes no sense any other way. I need Jesus and my daily time with Him that I haven't been getting, I need my church, I need to workout and I need to be with my kids as much as possible. The only way for me to accomplish this is to get a CAR!!!
Mainly, I just need peace. And that can only come from Him, I know. So pray He sees fit to send me some!
Blessings!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Burned out, confused and tired...
That's the way I feel today. Yes, I am having a day. I can't say it's a bad day...I've had worse recently. But I've also had better, though they feel as if they are starting to come fewer and farther between.
I'm still only working part-time, teaching and I'm gonna be flat-out honest here. I hate it this year. My class is awful. Don't get me wrong, I love those kids...individually. Even the ones that misbehave the worst. But altogether...oh my gosh, they dont mind, they dont listen, they dont stop talking ever...it's all I can do to make it from 8-12 every day and I HATE that because I always LOVED teaching...But I'm burning out fast.
Had a job interview yesterday and it went pretty well. I hope I get it or something soon--I am SO TIRED of living like a gypsy staying here there and everywhere. I want to get some wheels of my own so I can get my kids and I into a regular routine! I have another job interview Monday so chances are things are going to turn around soon...at least I pray they do!
I'm not really sure how things are with me and Craig right now. I know how I feel...I also know that we are having a difficult time adjusting to being around each other so much and yet when we're apart we're miserable. Sometimes I lie awake and think...is this really what I want? And he doesn't read my blogs so I'm not worried about him seeing this and if he does, I hope he knows that I only feel this way because of some things that have been said and done in the last few weeks. It's just got me feeling like I'm on shaky ground emotionally and I am not used to that kind of feeling. Sweetee if you are reading this...please know that I DO love you and enjoy our time together...I'm just an emotional wreck right now!
No, I did NOT give up my marriage/family for this. My marriage was over a long time ago...we just didn't want to admit it. And regardless of what you guys think of me, know that I have paid the ULTIMATE price for my freedom...I have lost my son. For now anyway...he wants nothing to do with me. He blames me even though I know that his dad is doing his best not to let him think bad things about me. As funny as it sounds, I have gained a lot of respect for my ex-husband during our divorce process...though I am very angry with him still over a lot of things. We will adjust and we will both be fine.
My girls seem to be resilient also. They dont talk about it much, they are just going with the flow and trying to keep doing their thing, having fun and for that I'm glad. But I'm really worried about my son. It rips my heart out to know how he really feels about me right now because he is the most important thing in my life..the best thing I've ever done and always has been the light of my life. But even if he hates me for the rest of his life, I'd rather him do that and not miss out on the good things he's destined for than to throw it all away because he is so angry. I wish we could talk...I really really do. I wish...I wish a lot of things.
I guess I will, like everything else, have to give that over to God. There are some relationships that only He can restore...I just hope He has mercy on me and does so very soon!
With the exception of a few, the rest of my family is not speaking to me either. I really wish they could understand but I can't really blame them--I dont understand either. All I know is what is done is done and I'm doing the best that I can with the choices that I have--which are not many right now! I guess I will have to give them time also to deal with their feelings about the whole situation but right now I have to concentrate on myself and my kids...can't spend too much time seeking their approval.
Brooke and I are bunkered down for the night...we got ice cream and McDonalds and are just relaxing. I will get Kayti tomorrow--she spent the night at a friend's house. Not sure what we'll do this weekend but we'll figure something out!
Have a good one!
I'm still only working part-time, teaching and I'm gonna be flat-out honest here. I hate it this year. My class is awful. Don't get me wrong, I love those kids...individually. Even the ones that misbehave the worst. But altogether...oh my gosh, they dont mind, they dont listen, they dont stop talking ever...it's all I can do to make it from 8-12 every day and I HATE that because I always LOVED teaching...But I'm burning out fast.
Had a job interview yesterday and it went pretty well. I hope I get it or something soon--I am SO TIRED of living like a gypsy staying here there and everywhere. I want to get some wheels of my own so I can get my kids and I into a regular routine! I have another job interview Monday so chances are things are going to turn around soon...at least I pray they do!
I'm not really sure how things are with me and Craig right now. I know how I feel...I also know that we are having a difficult time adjusting to being around each other so much and yet when we're apart we're miserable. Sometimes I lie awake and think...is this really what I want? And he doesn't read my blogs so I'm not worried about him seeing this and if he does, I hope he knows that I only feel this way because of some things that have been said and done in the last few weeks. It's just got me feeling like I'm on shaky ground emotionally and I am not used to that kind of feeling. Sweetee if you are reading this...please know that I DO love you and enjoy our time together...I'm just an emotional wreck right now!
No, I did NOT give up my marriage/family for this. My marriage was over a long time ago...we just didn't want to admit it. And regardless of what you guys think of me, know that I have paid the ULTIMATE price for my freedom...I have lost my son. For now anyway...he wants nothing to do with me. He blames me even though I know that his dad is doing his best not to let him think bad things about me. As funny as it sounds, I have gained a lot of respect for my ex-husband during our divorce process...though I am very angry with him still over a lot of things. We will adjust and we will both be fine.
My girls seem to be resilient also. They dont talk about it much, they are just going with the flow and trying to keep doing their thing, having fun and for that I'm glad. But I'm really worried about my son. It rips my heart out to know how he really feels about me right now because he is the most important thing in my life..the best thing I've ever done and always has been the light of my life. But even if he hates me for the rest of his life, I'd rather him do that and not miss out on the good things he's destined for than to throw it all away because he is so angry. I wish we could talk...I really really do. I wish...I wish a lot of things.
I guess I will, like everything else, have to give that over to God. There are some relationships that only He can restore...I just hope He has mercy on me and does so very soon!
With the exception of a few, the rest of my family is not speaking to me either. I really wish they could understand but I can't really blame them--I dont understand either. All I know is what is done is done and I'm doing the best that I can with the choices that I have--which are not many right now! I guess I will have to give them time also to deal with their feelings about the whole situation but right now I have to concentrate on myself and my kids...can't spend too much time seeking their approval.
Brooke and I are bunkered down for the night...we got ice cream and McDonalds and are just relaxing. I will get Kayti tomorrow--she spent the night at a friend's house. Not sure what we'll do this weekend but we'll figure something out!
Have a good one!
Monday, March 7, 2011
No idea what to title this post...
I'm tired and my mind is BLANK!!!
Had a pretty decent weekend except for one incident. I'll just say it was a LONG Friday night...
Got up early Saturday morning and Shari and I went and got our nails done and then hit the Galleria. I really dont like to shop but it was rainy, not my weekend with the kids, and I think Shari was determined to just get me out of the house. We ate lunch at Olive Garden and then I went to visit my mom. I went back to my room, ate some xanax and took a nap and was perfectly content to stay in bed the rest of the night since everyone I'd planned to see at the ER bailed on me! Why is it so difficult for people to make plans and stick with them? I understand things happen and people balance their checkbooks and discover they really need to stay home and eat macaroni & cheese but for the love...I am so sick of people that say one thing and NEVER follow through!
But then my friend Jeannie, from high school called and wanted to go down there for a little while and was wondering if I'd tag along...hey, anything for a friend, right? ;)
So I hopped in the shower and got myself ready real quick and after a few hours, I felt a LOT better. Jeannie was ready to go home by about midnight but we'd just gotten there about 8:30...and now that I'd reenergized, no way was I ready to go home. So I found a friend and crashed at her place when they finally got read to go.
And of course, Voodoo Jones was AWESOME!!! I absolutely love going to see & hear them play.
Sunday, Brooke and I went to church and I dont know why I still feel like I need to search for a smaller church home because everytime I'm there I feel I'm exactly where I need to be! Then we had to go to Michaels and get some supplies for er school project!
Jeff and I have been into it...he thinks everything he does is a big favor to me and I oughta bend over backwards trying to kiss his ass. I haven't asked him for a damn thing except for what belongs to my kids. I could have went after his pension, even though the divorce was my fault but I didnt want to hurt him anymore than I already had. I just wanted out. Now he thinks he has something to hold over my head all the time...sorry.
I'd asked to borrow Dylan's car--my son, not Jeff's car, Dylan's! And because Jeff's car is "acting up" he thinks his needs take priority over mine. Too bad. If he had done the taxes like he was supposed to, I'd have a car and wouldn't need to use my son's. And I'm sure not asking his damn permission to use it. Oh well...
Hope my car troubles are soon to be over...
I have a job interview tomorrow with Birmingham-Southern College. Please pray that I find favor with the interviewer--I need this job! I'm tired of living like a gypsy and ready to get my life back on track or into some kind of routine...
Had a pretty decent weekend except for one incident. I'll just say it was a LONG Friday night...
Got up early Saturday morning and Shari and I went and got our nails done and then hit the Galleria. I really dont like to shop but it was rainy, not my weekend with the kids, and I think Shari was determined to just get me out of the house. We ate lunch at Olive Garden and then I went to visit my mom. I went back to my room, ate some xanax and took a nap and was perfectly content to stay in bed the rest of the night since everyone I'd planned to see at the ER bailed on me! Why is it so difficult for people to make plans and stick with them? I understand things happen and people balance their checkbooks and discover they really need to stay home and eat macaroni & cheese but for the love...I am so sick of people that say one thing and NEVER follow through!
But then my friend Jeannie, from high school called and wanted to go down there for a little while and was wondering if I'd tag along...hey, anything for a friend, right? ;)
So I hopped in the shower and got myself ready real quick and after a few hours, I felt a LOT better. Jeannie was ready to go home by about midnight but we'd just gotten there about 8:30...and now that I'd reenergized, no way was I ready to go home. So I found a friend and crashed at her place when they finally got read to go.
And of course, Voodoo Jones was AWESOME!!! I absolutely love going to see & hear them play.
Sunday, Brooke and I went to church and I dont know why I still feel like I need to search for a smaller church home because everytime I'm there I feel I'm exactly where I need to be! Then we had to go to Michaels and get some supplies for er school project!
Jeff and I have been into it...he thinks everything he does is a big favor to me and I oughta bend over backwards trying to kiss his ass. I haven't asked him for a damn thing except for what belongs to my kids. I could have went after his pension, even though the divorce was my fault but I didnt want to hurt him anymore than I already had. I just wanted out. Now he thinks he has something to hold over my head all the time...sorry.
I'd asked to borrow Dylan's car--my son, not Jeff's car, Dylan's! And because Jeff's car is "acting up" he thinks his needs take priority over mine. Too bad. If he had done the taxes like he was supposed to, I'd have a car and wouldn't need to use my son's. And I'm sure not asking his damn permission to use it. Oh well...
Hope my car troubles are soon to be over...
I have a job interview tomorrow with Birmingham-Southern College. Please pray that I find favor with the interviewer--I need this job! I'm tired of living like a gypsy and ready to get my life back on track or into some kind of routine...
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