Yesterday morning while working on getting craft stuff together for my kindergarteners, I was having some REALLY deep thoughts. I didnt get anything figured out exactly--no world crises solved, not even my own problems hammered out. But I remember thinking, "oh I need to write that down and maybe it'll lead me somewhere later" and so I "tweeted" (sounds better than "facebooked", dont ya think? even though I dont like twitter and I'm actually referring to Facebook when I say that) 'feeling a blog coming on later'. ha ha As if very many people care. Some do, I guess. They tell me they enjoy reading them. But most I'm sure could care less but oh well.
Anyhoo, I never got around to blogging yesterday. It was a CRAZY day. My class was wild as bucks so I came home during lunch to cool my heels and fell asleep watching Identity. Love that movie. Love me some John Cusack! But I awoke too late and too slow to get back to work on time and so I ran around all afternoon trying to catch my tail and then THOSE kids were awful, too. And here's the kicker to that--half of them went home early! I dont understand how it is that kids...they seem to get together subconsiously and decide, 'okay we're down in numbers, we gotta make up for it'.
So I hurry home because I'd promised Brooke last week when Shari, Kim, Christy and I went out that I would take her and Hannah to Switch (church) this week. How terrible a mom am I that my daughter begs me to take her to church and it gets a backseat to my social life? But I have moved away from God recently and I just am not jazzed about going to church right now. More on that later...
So I come home and am trying to get the house picked up (yes, George, I did it again! lol haha inside joke) and throw dinner together while I get ready to go someplace I'm sure is gonna burn down the minute I walk in (and we're talking Church of the Highlands here--big place! Wouldn't that be costly for me?) and not really in the mood to go in the first place for a number of reasons when my sweet, wonderful, totally awesome, amazing son tells me that he would take them for me so I could stay home and rest. My heart just melts. I DO love my kid.
Kayti had gone to spend the night at Alyssa's so Jeff and I got some quiet time alone but I never could get my thoughts back on track to blog or do anything else even remotely productive. So sorry all of you who have, I'm sure, been sitting on pins and needles waiting for my "thoughts". Here goes:
Christmas...I am so not in the mood for it this year. Who is with me? lol Normally, it's my favorite time of year and I absolutely love everything about it. But I just can't get into it this year. I thought that when I got my house painted and the decorations up, etc. that would do it but no so. I don't know what it is. I could easily blame it on my medication (been prozac free for three weeks now--yea! Not! Got to get that taken care of asap!) But I really don't think that's the problem. I've been in this mood (blah) since way before I went off the drugs (legally prescribed but let's call them what they are!) :D
I have moments of pride, joy and amusement (though generally under the influence of other self-medication) but my overall mood has just been one of "I really don't give a damn." And so here we are. Hard to think of doing any kind of holiday crafts (waste of money), baking (who needs the extra pounds), shopping (shopping sucks anyway), decorating (what for, you just gotta take it down again in a month) when you have this kind of attitude.
Okay, maybe I do need to get back on the drugs! lol
But seriously, the problem goes much deeper, I think and it's just gonna take some time. I'm not suicidal (nobody schedule an intervention) or even homicidal (just don't piss me off)...just bland. And yes, I realize I large part of it I brought on myself and I'm taking my medicine (the proverbial kind) thank you very much. But it doesnt change anything knowing that. It is what it is.
It's just been a very difficult year...turning 40 (even though I've tried to play it down), family relationships on edge, losing Jeff's grandfather, nearly destroying my marriage (and it's still not completely put back together), losing my job, having knee surgery, losing a student and having a serious car wreck...
So many emotions and so many thoughts that I dont know what to do with. I tried praying and I'm not so spiritually immature that I want to say it "didn't work". I know God is there and I know He is listening and that I have to be patient and wait on Him, etc. I guess I just dont like learning whatever it is He's trying to teach me. And so I've moved away from Him somewhat...oh don't start the prayer chain for me yet--I'm not a lost heathen. I still believe. I still pray. This is just where I'm at right now. I don't want to hear it. And my bestie assured me I'm okay. It's okay to be real with God and tell Him what you think and feel and even what you've done because He already knows it anyway. Tru dat!
Not much else has helped either and most of it has even been rather destructive. Some of it seemed to help at first, as strange as it may sound. But eventually my mind became clouded with even MORE thoughts and feelings that I didn't know what to do with. And if it sounds like I'm talking in code it's because I am just a little. Most of you know what's going on/what went on so you'll be able to decipher what I mean. Others, if you want to know you'll have to ask. Jeff isn't comfortable with me "baring it all" out in the open so I can't really go into details here. But I have nothing to hide and honestly, not really even anything that I'm ashamed of or regret. And therein lies another problem between me and God.
I've always been taught that there has to be repentence in order for there to be forgiveness. And in order for there to be repentence, there has to be regret. Well, I'm sorry, Father but I just don't regret it. Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I don't really believe in regrets (letting a curse word slip out in church, yeah okay...forgive me, Father I have sinned but most things--I say take responsibility for what you do, especially when it was a conscious choice) and I dont generally have them. Most everything iin my life, good and bad, has served some kind of purpose and has made me who I am. And even though I'm not in a very good mood these days, I like who I am. How can I have regrets?
Especially not over these things. I learned so much through it all and quite honestly, it was rather enjoyable, rather special and if I could turn back the clock, I'd probably do everything the same. Well, almost everything! ;) So again...how am I supposed to have regrets? I'm sorry, but I don't.
I had to stay and answer the phones today at work during naptime and I got to talking to a coworker that is going through similar problems but on the opposite side. I am not particularly close to this woman so I'm not sure why but I opened up to her and told her about mine. I dont know, I just felt led to give her some perspective from the opposing point of view and desparately wanted to know what she thought and felt. So maybe we helped each other. I do know I felt a lot better after talking to her so maybe some good can come from something most people consider so horrible.
Where was I going with this...oh yeah. Christmas. Don't worry, I will put a smile on my face and go through the motions. And it will be good. I will pretend to be positive for the sake of all you other jolly little elves out there even if I'm not "feeling" it.
Moving on...Dylan has officially been accepted to the University of Alabama for the Fall 2011! It is also official that he has a partial scholarship! $3500 per year for four years. Jeff and I are beyond thrilled and you would think Dylan would be too but he is stressing about how to come up with the remainder! I keep trying to reassure him that he will probably get the rest of it covered in Pell grants and other scholarships and even if he doesn't, Jeff and I have got this. One way or another, that kid has worked his butt off and he WILL go. Anyone need a kidney? I also think I have a few eggs left...liver is probably not in good shape! haha
But I will make it happen for him. I'm proud of my baby boy and I won't keep going on about that since I've posted about it twice already. But he is stressed so if you want to pray about anything, pray for him and pray he gets the scholarships and stuff he needs or a big bucket of money falls from the sky. :D
I have postponed going to Zumba at Crosspoint until after basketball season. They kicked us out of the gym and into the youth room and its way too small for all the people. Especially when most of those people want to bring their little kids with them and take up what little space there is. Ugh! Can people honestly not find a sitter for a few hours? What's wrong with most of the husbands? Can they not watch the kids while you go get in shape for him? Well, stay fat then. But don't bring your kid to limited space and then get all pissy when they almost get kicked in the head! There, got that out! I will probably start going to classes at the Y next week. I can't do those churches and places where they just watch the dvd's. I'm too much of a zumba snob for that. I want a live teacher! lol
I am running (okay okay, not running but walking...sounds better to say running though) in the Jingle Bell Run this Saturday with my bestie Donna. This run benefits the Arthritis Foundation, which is a cause near and dear to both our hearts. I'm only doing the 1 mile fun run/walk so no one needs to freak out. But I do need to get my butt back to the doc and find out when I get to have the other knee done. (let me go find a container for my joy!) I was planning on having it done during Christmas break so I wouldn't miss too much work but I'm not sure I want to do that. I want to be able to party New Year's Eve and kiss this crazy year goodbye with a bang (or kick it in its fat ass, rather!) Plus I can still feel tissue or something dangling in this other knee which I'm sure he'll say its because I didnt do my physical therapy right or some such bull. Yeah bite me.
Afterward, I'm hoping to go to my friend, Kim's house to watch the SEC game (that is if I can get out of going to the in-laws...ugh lets dont even go there) where I still have not decided who I will root for. I would actually LOVE to root for Auburn. Go all the way SEC and the state of Alabama. But I have a few friends that are REALLY REALLY OBNOXIOUS Auburn fans (not to mention all the ones that call into JOX OD and Finebaum every day) and I REALLY REALLY do not want to have to listen to their crap all year. It would be one thing if they were HAPPY and celebrating for their team. But these few fans in particular don't do that. Instead they spend all their time worrying about Alabama and what they are doing or not doing. Focus on yourselves, douchebags! And try and act like you've been there, even though we know you haven't in a long time! It's funny to me to think that my 18 year old son has seen more National Championships in his lifetime (2) than Auburn fans twice his age have seen! lol And if you want to talk about having class...I just have three words for ya...pot, kettle, black! And another thing--we didn't START this crap with Cam Newton, we just laugh at what's funny (Scam Newton, take the money and run! lol) and we really dont give a rats ass whether he plays or doesn't play. Bite us.
So I may end up rooting for the Gamecocks and (choking) Steve Spurrier! I hate anyone and anything that makes me 1) feel sorry for Tennessee (thanks Lane Kiffin) 2) want to cheer for Spurrier (thanks obnoxious Auburn fans)!
This is definitely one of those situations where I would love it if BOTH teams could lose! lol
No, I'm not looking forward to football being over. It's going to be a boring winter. At least we have recruiting for awhile until baseball. Dang I should have been a boy so I could actually PLAY football. (please don't tell my feminist mother I just said that!)
And after that...I'm sure there's something to do somewhere. Who knows, I may even get in the mood to go Christmas shopping! But if you see me out, stay outta my way! Bah humbug!
j/k Blessings! (I'm sure I'll post again before Christmas so I'll save the usual Christmas greetings for now!)
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