Although I still have feelings for Chris, they aren't as strong I dont think. I guess I should be thankful for that. But I have pretty much just swapped that problem for others. Jeff and I are getting along wonderfully but it hasn't been because of any of the "good" stuff we've been doing. We've been bad...very very bad!
It all started exactly a month ago. We were still talking about how I couldn't seem to get past my feelings for Chris (and yes I still talk to him about once-twice a week. I told him that it wasn't fair for him and Jeff to get together and decide who could talk to me and who couldn't--like I'm some piece of property or something and that *I* had asked him to back off a little bit but I didnt expect that we would NEVER talk. We have too many friends in common to be able to totally avoid each other though we aren't running into each other often) A few weeks prior to this "event" which I'm about to tell you about, we had been at a party and my usual drunk self starts texting anyone and everyone. I sent out a mass "roll tide" message and I got one back from Chris the next day. Jeff saw it and hit the roof because at that time I wasn't supposed to be communicating with him at all. Long story short, he basically told me I could get my shit and get out and I called his bluff. He had been thinking the whole time that I didn't have anywhere to go and that he had my head over a barrel. How wrong he was because Shari and I had actually been discussing me moving in with her. Her house payment is next to nothing--I could easily afford half of that on my salary and it would actually be quite convenient for me and the girls. So when I told him that, he backed down a little.
No one is EVER going to control me--not at all.
So we kind of put things on hold for a while to get through a few things going on with the kids, etc. Well, the Friday before Halloween night we went out to watch our favorite band (Roger's Fourth and One) play at Dry Riders and a friend of his went with us. The friend, who I liked okay at the time, dances with me and tells me he wants to be my friend and that I can come talk to him about anything anytime and he won't tell Jeff, etc. Yeah, like I trust and believe that. But anyway...I am drunk so I confess that I'm in love with Chris and he tells me I need to make my move then and quit stringing Jeff along etc. As if a 21 year marriage is "stringing someone along" but I just nod and say yeah, etc.
Well, we are all SO drunk but running out of money so we decide to go back to K's place to drink some more planning to go back to the bar the whole time but Jeff and I start making out in the bathroom and I remember him asking me if I wanted to fuck K. I was kind of taken aback by the question and I dont remember what I answered but I think I said, "if you want me to."
So Jeff and I go into K's bedroom and start fooling around and K is just watching. The next thing I know, K is giving me oral sex while I'm giving it to Jeff. I ended up having my first threesome and my first sexual experience with someone other than Jeff ever in my life.
The next few days I was kind of weirded out about it and worried about the repurcussions of what would happen with Jeff and K at work. But they talked and everyone seemed okay. It actually made me feel closer to Jeff and we had the hottest sex we've ever had for the next few weeks.
I decided I wanted to do it again and so we did a few weeks later and again a few weeks after that (Thanksgiving night).
Now, I'm confused all over again because at first it helped diminish my feelings for Chris a little bit and maybe now even a little bit more, even though I still feel like I do love him. And Jeff felt better so he gave me "permission" to talk to Chris again on occassion, which we have. I've even tried to talk to his wife a few times but she still aint having nothing to do with that which I dont understand since she doesn't know anything actually happened.
But I'm also starting to have feelings for K. It's hard because I know nothing permanent could ever come of anything with us and I'm not sure I would even want it to. But it'just hard to share something so intimate with someone and not care about them--at least it is for me anyway. I guess that's where my limited experience causes me problems.
Not sure what will happen from here on out. I've been tempted to try and get with K alone a time or two but scared also that he'll tell Jeff. I'm wondering if his offer to be my "friend" was just a ploy to get in my pants or if he really meant it. Just thinking out loud here...
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