Meeting Larry

I did meet bio dad a few weeks ago, for the first time in 28 years. I call him Larry. Most folks call him Wayne and my brother in sister call him Dad but I can't. He's not my dad. Lots of men can father a child but it takes a special man to be a dad. To me, he's just Larry.

He's much shorter than I remembered. I guess maybe I'm a tad taller??? It's weird because the last time he saw me, I looked EXACTLY like Kayti so I'm wondering if he got a weird sort of deja vu feeling when he met her but I didn't ask him. And I couldn't post pictures of that meeting because guess what? I didn't take any. I had actually planned to--I photograph everything, good and bad. But I totally forgot.

That day did not start out well for me. I could never get a peace about going through with the meeting for some reason and maybe I probably shouldn't have but I had decided I would anyway and it worked out okay. Now don't get me wrong, I HAVE forgiven him. But what most people don't understand about forgivenss is that often, it's a continual process. Sometimes I have to choose to do it over and over again. And forgiveness is not a feeling. It's not like you say, "I forgive you" and everything is all of a sudden hunky-dory. Nor does it mean I automatically trust him or anything like that. Forgiveness is usually more for the person doing the forgiving than for the one being forgiven. He realizes (at least he seems to and I hope he does) that our relationship starts over now. There was no bonding process from when I was a kid and he has to each day/week/month, build on whatever this is going to be. And that's something we'll both have to figure out. He knows he's not my "dad" and never will be as far as my heart and mind are concerned. But after having a mail and phone relationship for the past 8 years, I do recognize some good qualities and my faith tells me that everyone has the potential for redeemability.

All that said...

that morning I was NERVOUS. We were supposed to meet up in Ashville. I'd been told about an Native American festival they were having and had planned to take Brooke anyway as an American Girl related field trip. And him being part Native American and very into Native American things, I knew that would probably interest him, too.

So that morning I'm running late as usual. We were supposed to meet at 10 and he calls at 10:01! Ugh! Look, bud, I waited on you for 28 years, I think you can give me a few minutes--is what I felt like saying. But I didn't. But I should have. Because he kept calling every ten minutes until we finally got there an hour later (we got lost looking for the stupid festival that had been cancelled!) and about 20 minutes before our arrival I started having a major--I mean MAJOR anxiety attack. I could not breathe. We had to pull over and I had to get out of the van and walk around and catch my breath. Then I just completely lost it. Jeff was trying to comfort me and get me back in the car and I just said, I can't do this, I can't do this. So Jeff asks me what do you want to do, do you want to just go home. But I couldn't bring myself to do that either so I just prayed, "God, please. I was angry with him for so many years and you told me to let it go. You blessed me with a REAL father, the kind that sticks around through the hard stuff as well as the fun stuff and is STILL there for me no matter what and You, God, You have reminded me that You are my Heavenly Father so no matter what earthly fathers do (and they do come and go sometimes), You are always there. So I let it go so why do I now feel like this. I just need some peace or some clear direction."

Well, I got a little calmer but I don't know that I ever got a 'clear sign from God'. I think maybe sometimes God says, "Hey, you've earned the right to make this choice, so I'm gonna let you make it." So I did. I didn't want it hanging over my head any longer--I wanted it out of the way. So if he wants to earn his way back he can begin and if not, well, whatever.

And once we got there and I saw him, I felt ridiculous for agonizing so much. He was just a man. An old man. An old man who missed out on so much for nearly 30 years. But an old man who knows that and would do anything to get it back. So we shall see. We spent the next few hours at my house looking through picture albums and talking. He asked about several family members including my "mom and dad" and he talked with Jeff and Dylan about typical guy stuff and it was like having a friend over for a few hours. Or maybe not a friend--yet but someone you just met that seems interesting.

I don't understand how he can do what he did and I don't even think he understands. We all have regrets in life. Some just have bigger ones that others. Can a person ever overcome them? We shall see.