I shared a little while back about how my bio dad (whom I've not seen in 28 years but have been communicating with for the last 8) would be out of the pen soon.
Well, that day has come. He's out and he's in town. He called last night. I knew this was coming and I asked God to please prepare me and I know He is/will. But I don't "feel" prepared yet. A whole lot of things going on with this situation.
My biggest fear has to do with my mom. She is still extremely angry with him, understandably so and she doesn't understand why I'm not. I try and try to explain to her that I WAS angry for years and years and all that was accomplishing was making ME a hateful, terrible person. I don't want to ever be that person again. I'm bitchy enough (pardon the term but there really IS no other way of putting it!) when I'm "at peace". I don't need the turmoil of hanging onto hate for someone I barely know and I definitely don't want anything to do with vengeance.
I have tried to explain to her that I have no intention of letting him "be dad" again. He's just a friend who may or may not be a part of our lives. Only time will tell. I don't fault my mom for feeling the way she does. I just wish she didn't fault me for NOT feeling that way. And again, it's not like I'm "oh ga ga, my 'daddy' is back, let's go get glued to his side" or anything. I just don't hate him. God has healed that part of me and it's just not possible.
But I won't deny that I DO feel a bit awkward at the thought of "seeing" him again after so long. It was much easier when he was in Kentucky and only writing or calling.
Anyway, I didn't get to chat with him last night because he called while I was on the phone with her (making plans for today, taking Kayti to American Girl to get Ruthie) and I wasn't about to get off the phone with her to talk to him. I told him to call me back in a bit but he didn't. And I'll be out of town today and at church and the pool Sunday so.........
Just please pray for me. Pray that God will show me how to handle this delicate situation. That he will give me wisdom and the words when needed and the peace that comes from knowing He has everything under control.
Talk to you all soon!
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