I overslept and am therefore missing my morning trip to the Y. I know I'll get to walk later while Brooke is at Soccer but I'm debating going back this evening after we get home to do weights. Hate to drive all the way back to Trussvegas but also hate to skip a day of weights!
At the same time I'm glad because I needed to get a few other things done but then bummed again because I could sleep a few more hours! And there is no caffeine in this house!
I made a decision last night that probably cost me a friend but I know it's for my own good as well as the friend's. I guess I was feeling convicted. But I've been through it before and thought I could handle things this time but I dont think I can. Not right now anyway. And I'm not sure I'm cut out for it ever. It's not that I wanted more, I just need to protect my sanity and emotional stability right now. My girls need me and I have too much to be focused on to worry about any romantic/sexual/whatever hassles. I know it was supposed to be simple...but somehow these things never are. Not for me. And I'm all about owning who I am and not pretending to be anything I'm not.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
New rules and new routines (physical, mental, spiritual)
Starting working out again yesterday. Did four miles on the bike and weights. I got up this morning and went to Billy Hewitt park and did 2 miles in 49 minutes. That is not good. The Susan G. Komen is in little over a month and if I do the 5k, that is 3.1 miles and my goal is 45 minutes. Gonna be tough since I'm not supposed to be running. I keep thinking about getting a second opinion on that but every time I do, the left knee starts acting up again. I guess that's God's way of saying, "um, no!" Dangit. I really do like running.
Tomorrow I have to work 7:30-4:30 so I'm hitting the Y early for the bike/weights workout and I will do my walking around the soccer field while Brooke has soccer practice.
I'm hoping to throw in some floor exercises and zumba in here somewhere soon but trying to find a class has been difficult.
I've cut way back on the caffeine. I only have it in the mornings and around 3 in the afternoon. And absolutely NO caffeine after 6 p.m. The rest of the time, I drink water.
Also NO eating after 8 p.m. I would like to bump that up to 6 p.m. but with my schedule, it's just not possible right now. Still, it's a start.
I'm excited about getting my body back! And what I cant fix through diet and exercise, I'm looking into surgery. Like for my tummy. I do at least 50 crunches on the weight machine with 50 pounds EVERY day and I still cant get rid of my tummy. it's all brooke's fault! lol Well, not hers but the idiot doctor that decided to cut me to tie my tubes instead of going through the belly button like everyone else! Surgery is the only option to get rid of that.
I'm studying up on exercise physiology and nutrition and it's still on my to do list to get my zumba instructor certifcation as well.
Mentally, I'm doing well. Emotionally...it's been a tough week for various reasons but during my walk this morning I listed to some awesome praise and worship and during the day when I was thinking about a certain situation in my life, God put this verse on my heart:
"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
You Scriptorians out there probably can name the book and verse. I just remember the words of the Lord and so I took steps to make sure my focus right now IS on the Lord and Him only. It was tough because it was something I really wanted. But I know God has been trying to teach me discipline for YEARS, decades even and it's time I started heeding His lead. It wont be easy. But I know it's the right thing.
Tomorrow I have to work 7:30-4:30 so I'm hitting the Y early for the bike/weights workout and I will do my walking around the soccer field while Brooke has soccer practice.
I'm hoping to throw in some floor exercises and zumba in here somewhere soon but trying to find a class has been difficult.
I've cut way back on the caffeine. I only have it in the mornings and around 3 in the afternoon. And absolutely NO caffeine after 6 p.m. The rest of the time, I drink water.
Also NO eating after 8 p.m. I would like to bump that up to 6 p.m. but with my schedule, it's just not possible right now. Still, it's a start.
I'm excited about getting my body back! And what I cant fix through diet and exercise, I'm looking into surgery. Like for my tummy. I do at least 50 crunches on the weight machine with 50 pounds EVERY day and I still cant get rid of my tummy. it's all brooke's fault! lol Well, not hers but the idiot doctor that decided to cut me to tie my tubes instead of going through the belly button like everyone else! Surgery is the only option to get rid of that.
I'm studying up on exercise physiology and nutrition and it's still on my to do list to get my zumba instructor certifcation as well.
Mentally, I'm doing well. Emotionally...it's been a tough week for various reasons but during my walk this morning I listed to some awesome praise and worship and during the day when I was thinking about a certain situation in my life, God put this verse on my heart:
"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
You Scriptorians out there probably can name the book and verse. I just remember the words of the Lord and so I took steps to make sure my focus right now IS on the Lord and Him only. It was tough because it was something I really wanted. But I know God has been trying to teach me discipline for YEARS, decades even and it's time I started heeding His lead. It wont be easy. But I know it's the right thing.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The "plan"
One thing I learned in Brookwood and from my counselor is that every idea has to have a plan or it will always be just an idea.
Well, I've always been good at having a "plan". In fact, I love to plan. I keep a calendar, a to do list, love to plan parties and events, always try to get an idea of what I'll be doing tomorrow, the next day, the weekend...That's not to say I dont like surprises or cant be spontaneous. I am just a born planner.
But I dont always put action behind it so that's my number one goal right now. The "plan" is easy, it's the follow up that takes some commitment. Sometimes there just are not enough hours in the day, days in the week...to do all I want to do or even need to do. But that's no excuse for not trying.
The first thing I know I have to do is work harder at nuturing my relationship with my Lord & Savior. I think I step away from Him sometimes because I KNOW I dont measure up. Some of the things I do, choices I make, habits that are hard to give up, I know are in direct conflict with the way I know God wants me to live. Dying to the flesh every day is REALLY hard. I am so thankful that I love and serve a risen savior that understands that and extends grace to the point where my self-discipline ends. It's time for me to give Him more of me. Pray more, get into His word more. Let Him be my everything, especially now.
The second is health but I am SO blessed that that's the easy part. Talking with so many of my friends, I have discovered I am VERY healthy. I dont take near as many medicines as a lot of people do, dont have nearly as many aches and pains...and I want to keep it that way. Time NOT to go on a diet but to really pay attention to what goes into my body. Sugar and caffeine are on their way out! Alcohol will be significantly reduced very soon, though it's never been a problem for me, it still isn't "good" for me either.
The weight that creeped its way back on after my knee surgeries are on their way out also. I just about have a routine and workable schedule in place that includes, swimming laps, lifting weights, walking and zumba. It may take awhile to get back down to the size I need to be but I know it wont take long to start feeling better. I am a firm believer in endorphins! And it's important for me to be able to be in good shape. Too many things on my "bucket list" are physically demanding!
Mentally--I love my celexa. But there are still days when certain people can push my buttons, though it's getting tougher and tougher for them to accomplish that and the occurrences are fewer and further between. And I know when I get the spiritual and the exercise going good, the mental is destine to improve also.
I have a new job which should help with the car/apartment situation but I will share more as those become closer to reality. The rest is cosmetic and is going to take time and money. But I plan on looking, feeling and BEING 200% better within the next six months. And I'm excited!
Well, I've always been good at having a "plan". In fact, I love to plan. I keep a calendar, a to do list, love to plan parties and events, always try to get an idea of what I'll be doing tomorrow, the next day, the weekend...That's not to say I dont like surprises or cant be spontaneous. I am just a born planner.
But I dont always put action behind it so that's my number one goal right now. The "plan" is easy, it's the follow up that takes some commitment. Sometimes there just are not enough hours in the day, days in the week...to do all I want to do or even need to do. But that's no excuse for not trying.
The first thing I know I have to do is work harder at nuturing my relationship with my Lord & Savior. I think I step away from Him sometimes because I KNOW I dont measure up. Some of the things I do, choices I make, habits that are hard to give up, I know are in direct conflict with the way I know God wants me to live. Dying to the flesh every day is REALLY hard. I am so thankful that I love and serve a risen savior that understands that and extends grace to the point where my self-discipline ends. It's time for me to give Him more of me. Pray more, get into His word more. Let Him be my everything, especially now.
The second is health but I am SO blessed that that's the easy part. Talking with so many of my friends, I have discovered I am VERY healthy. I dont take near as many medicines as a lot of people do, dont have nearly as many aches and pains...and I want to keep it that way. Time NOT to go on a diet but to really pay attention to what goes into my body. Sugar and caffeine are on their way out! Alcohol will be significantly reduced very soon, though it's never been a problem for me, it still isn't "good" for me either.
The weight that creeped its way back on after my knee surgeries are on their way out also. I just about have a routine and workable schedule in place that includes, swimming laps, lifting weights, walking and zumba. It may take awhile to get back down to the size I need to be but I know it wont take long to start feeling better. I am a firm believer in endorphins! And it's important for me to be able to be in good shape. Too many things on my "bucket list" are physically demanding!
Mentally--I love my celexa. But there are still days when certain people can push my buttons, though it's getting tougher and tougher for them to accomplish that and the occurrences are fewer and further between. And I know when I get the spiritual and the exercise going good, the mental is destine to improve also.
I have a new job which should help with the car/apartment situation but I will share more as those become closer to reality. The rest is cosmetic and is going to take time and money. But I plan on looking, feeling and BEING 200% better within the next six months. And I'm excited!
Under construction
the blog and me! There has been SO MUCH that has happened since my last post that I'm even taking a sabbatical from Facebook to revamp this entire blog! I'm organizing it into more sections and adding a few projects. So check back soon for exciting news and features. Until then, be blessed!
Monday, July 18, 2011
A new chapter and this time *I* am going to write it...
I'm just now at a point where I'm ready to talk about this. I thought seriously about NOT posting about it but I've never been one to shy away from letting the rest of the world see who I really am. I've ALWAYS owned up to my mistakes and imperfections and my sincere prayer is that my experiences will somehow help someone else.
Two weeks ago tomorrow, July 5 to be exact, I finally had a nervous breakdown. I dont even remember specifically the events that led up to the final blowout other than the usual stressors--no car, no money, trouble finding a decent job, mounting debt, my relationship with Craig, my smartmouth 13 year old, my strained relationship with my mother, lack of being able to do a lot of what I enjoy because of the first two reasons, the tremendous guilt I keep feeling over the last six months no matter how much I try to let it go, forgive myself, feel at peace, etc....
I vaguely remember arguing with Craig a few days before. I dont remember what about. I remember arguing with Jeff. I remember having to miss work for lack of transportation and finally I remember arguing with Brooke and almost choking her...I had to get away so I remember taking off down the street and I dont know how long I was gone but when I came back, the girls where gone to my moms. I remember arguing with my mother and arguing with Jeff some more and I remember feeling so desparate and so out of control...I remember feeling like I had ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over ANY aspect of my life and I wanted ONE THING I could control. I remember my head was pounding, my hurt was literally hurting physically and I just wanted the pain to stop. So I took an overdose of Tylenol. I dont even know exactly how much but I do know that I didn't want to kill myself--I just wanted the pain to stop and to have some control over SOMETHING.
But not long after I began to panic and I called Jeff and my mom and told them what I'd done. They, along with Dylan, talked me into going to Brookwood. After I was treated for the overdose I signed myself into the psych ward and I stayed there until Friday. I slept most of the time. They determined that the medicine I'd been taking for my chemical depression/anxiety was no longer working and so they switched it. The reaction I had to the switch was not good at first but after a few days, things began to level out.
Being there was NOT what I expected. My mother told me (and in her defense, she probably didnt know) that I would be able to talk to someone and they could help me figure a few things out. That is NOT how they are set up. They are there to keep you safe from yourself and to pass out the pills. I was there with a variety of people with a variety of problems. Some where like me--just having trouble managing stress and/or their medication needed adjusting. Some had gone off their anti-psychotic meds and boy was that ever scary! Some were suicidal. Some were delusional. I had a pretty decent roommate and met some interesting people. But since I wasn't getting the help I expected or needed (other than the switch in meds) I decided I wanted out. That wasn't hard to do. I just told them what they wanted to hear and I was released.
Sounds like I gave up and am not taking my recovery seriously but that's not true. I am following up with Eastside Mental Health to regulate my meds (now taking Celexa and Clonopin instead of Prozac) and began counseling through Oasis--a non-profit counseling service for women & children. They base fees on your income and so I only have to pay $15 per session. Today was my first and it went VERY well.
So yes, I am in "therapy". I am prefering at this point to call it "life coaching" because I am feeling a little bit better and I KNOW what needs to be done--I dont get a do over, I know that. All I can do is move forward and try to focus on a few things at a time instead of trying to figure it all out right NOW! My "life coach" is an excellent listener. She also made me feel a LOT better about the things going on in my life. All things considered, I'm actually doing pretty damn good. I dont know where I will land when it's all said and done but I DO know, I've managed to hold on to a job that I love (even though it doesn't pay very well), I've managed to maintain relatively good relationships with my children (the 13 yo is a typical 13 yo--I'm the one that needs to have more patience and more control), I've managed to provide them a home--maybe it's not the home I want or eventually will get--and I've managed to stay focused on their education. She said I need not feel like a TOTAL screw-up. I've done better than a lot of people would have and I will continue to do the best I can which is all I can do.
We discussed my relationship with Craig and I know in my head it's not a healthy one and I dont need to be in it. Yes, it's the same thing, my mom, Shari and SO MANY OTHERS have already told me. Hearing it from her doesnt necessarily mean that it's finally sunk in. I do still love him, very much. But I can't change him, he doesn't want to change himself and until he does, I can't subject myself and my kids to the constant pain. When it's good, it's the best (and I'm not just talking about sex) but when it's bad, it's hell. And I dont have the resources--emotional, mental or otherwise--to deal with it right now. He may very well be beyond help from anyone. I'll never turn my back on him completely...if he ever chooses to reach out and REALLY want help, I will be his friend. I can forgive a multitude of sins because I have been forgiven a multitude myself. So for now, that relationship (if it can even be called one) is on the backburner.
The things that are on the "plate" for now is:
1) concentrating on the job search. She gave me a list of resources to help me get focused and gain some momentum to push forward from the plateau I seem to have hit.
2) concentrate on building my savings for my own transportation. This is tied in very much so with the job search! But I also have a few ideas/leads/resources for that as well.
3) concentrate on my daughters' educational needs. We are going to continue to homeschool for now but without CORE. It's not ideal but it's the best we can do. Public school is simply NOT an option and neither is CORE due to the lack of financing. The goal is to next year get back into CORE or be moved to a location where public school is an option.
4) concentrate on positive relationships. First & foremost, my spiritual life. I desparately need my heavenly Father and I dont take for granted the blessings I DO have in my life. My prayer/meditation time needs to be the first thing I do every morning--just like it used to be. Second, I need to repair the damage I've done to the relationships with the people who've loved and supported me through all my crises. Sometimes it hasnt felt so much like "unconditional" love & support and maybe the only type that truly exists is from God. But I know whatever "conditions" they've put on me have been with the best of intentions and done for my own good.
5) focus my attention less on "dating" and more on just doing things I enjoy: reading, writing (three books, still in the works!) spending time with friends, painting, exercise
So that's the game plan! I know I've tried to make so many "new beginnings" in the last six months but this time, I actually FEEL like I'm getting one. And I AM in control of it!
Blessings,
Two weeks ago tomorrow, July 5 to be exact, I finally had a nervous breakdown. I dont even remember specifically the events that led up to the final blowout other than the usual stressors--no car, no money, trouble finding a decent job, mounting debt, my relationship with Craig, my smartmouth 13 year old, my strained relationship with my mother, lack of being able to do a lot of what I enjoy because of the first two reasons, the tremendous guilt I keep feeling over the last six months no matter how much I try to let it go, forgive myself, feel at peace, etc....
I vaguely remember arguing with Craig a few days before. I dont remember what about. I remember arguing with Jeff. I remember having to miss work for lack of transportation and finally I remember arguing with Brooke and almost choking her...I had to get away so I remember taking off down the street and I dont know how long I was gone but when I came back, the girls where gone to my moms. I remember arguing with my mother and arguing with Jeff some more and I remember feeling so desparate and so out of control...I remember feeling like I had ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over ANY aspect of my life and I wanted ONE THING I could control. I remember my head was pounding, my hurt was literally hurting physically and I just wanted the pain to stop. So I took an overdose of Tylenol. I dont even know exactly how much but I do know that I didn't want to kill myself--I just wanted the pain to stop and to have some control over SOMETHING.
But not long after I began to panic and I called Jeff and my mom and told them what I'd done. They, along with Dylan, talked me into going to Brookwood. After I was treated for the overdose I signed myself into the psych ward and I stayed there until Friday. I slept most of the time. They determined that the medicine I'd been taking for my chemical depression/anxiety was no longer working and so they switched it. The reaction I had to the switch was not good at first but after a few days, things began to level out.
Being there was NOT what I expected. My mother told me (and in her defense, she probably didnt know) that I would be able to talk to someone and they could help me figure a few things out. That is NOT how they are set up. They are there to keep you safe from yourself and to pass out the pills. I was there with a variety of people with a variety of problems. Some where like me--just having trouble managing stress and/or their medication needed adjusting. Some had gone off their anti-psychotic meds and boy was that ever scary! Some were suicidal. Some were delusional. I had a pretty decent roommate and met some interesting people. But since I wasn't getting the help I expected or needed (other than the switch in meds) I decided I wanted out. That wasn't hard to do. I just told them what they wanted to hear and I was released.
Sounds like I gave up and am not taking my recovery seriously but that's not true. I am following up with Eastside Mental Health to regulate my meds (now taking Celexa and Clonopin instead of Prozac) and began counseling through Oasis--a non-profit counseling service for women & children. They base fees on your income and so I only have to pay $15 per session. Today was my first and it went VERY well.
So yes, I am in "therapy". I am prefering at this point to call it "life coaching" because I am feeling a little bit better and I KNOW what needs to be done--I dont get a do over, I know that. All I can do is move forward and try to focus on a few things at a time instead of trying to figure it all out right NOW! My "life coach" is an excellent listener. She also made me feel a LOT better about the things going on in my life. All things considered, I'm actually doing pretty damn good. I dont know where I will land when it's all said and done but I DO know, I've managed to hold on to a job that I love (even though it doesn't pay very well), I've managed to maintain relatively good relationships with my children (the 13 yo is a typical 13 yo--I'm the one that needs to have more patience and more control), I've managed to provide them a home--maybe it's not the home I want or eventually will get--and I've managed to stay focused on their education. She said I need not feel like a TOTAL screw-up. I've done better than a lot of people would have and I will continue to do the best I can which is all I can do.
We discussed my relationship with Craig and I know in my head it's not a healthy one and I dont need to be in it. Yes, it's the same thing, my mom, Shari and SO MANY OTHERS have already told me. Hearing it from her doesnt necessarily mean that it's finally sunk in. I do still love him, very much. But I can't change him, he doesn't want to change himself and until he does, I can't subject myself and my kids to the constant pain. When it's good, it's the best (and I'm not just talking about sex) but when it's bad, it's hell. And I dont have the resources--emotional, mental or otherwise--to deal with it right now. He may very well be beyond help from anyone. I'll never turn my back on him completely...if he ever chooses to reach out and REALLY want help, I will be his friend. I can forgive a multitude of sins because I have been forgiven a multitude myself. So for now, that relationship (if it can even be called one) is on the backburner.
The things that are on the "plate" for now is:
1) concentrating on the job search. She gave me a list of resources to help me get focused and gain some momentum to push forward from the plateau I seem to have hit.
2) concentrate on building my savings for my own transportation. This is tied in very much so with the job search! But I also have a few ideas/leads/resources for that as well.
3) concentrate on my daughters' educational needs. We are going to continue to homeschool for now but without CORE. It's not ideal but it's the best we can do. Public school is simply NOT an option and neither is CORE due to the lack of financing. The goal is to next year get back into CORE or be moved to a location where public school is an option.
4) concentrate on positive relationships. First & foremost, my spiritual life. I desparately need my heavenly Father and I dont take for granted the blessings I DO have in my life. My prayer/meditation time needs to be the first thing I do every morning--just like it used to be. Second, I need to repair the damage I've done to the relationships with the people who've loved and supported me through all my crises. Sometimes it hasnt felt so much like "unconditional" love & support and maybe the only type that truly exists is from God. But I know whatever "conditions" they've put on me have been with the best of intentions and done for my own good.
5) focus my attention less on "dating" and more on just doing things I enjoy: reading, writing (three books, still in the works!) spending time with friends, painting, exercise
So that's the game plan! I know I've tried to make so many "new beginnings" in the last six months but this time, I actually FEEL like I'm getting one. And I AM in control of it!
Blessings,
Saturday, July 2, 2011
car shopping sucks but my son is amazing!
So the Hardie Tynes and the State of Alabama finally saw fit to forward five weeks of child support onto me so yeah...I have a LITTLE bit of money to use towards a down payment. But guess what? It's not enough! Ugh!
I knew with my lack of credit (I haven't borrowed money in years, not on paper anyway ;) ) it was going to be an uphill battle but I thought that if I found something inexpensive, aka used, that I would be in a position to negotiate with a little bit of money down. Not so. I need twice what I have to get the car I actually liked and thought I could afford --a 97 Nissan Maxima. But get this, if I buy something NEWER and MORE EXPENSIVE I have a better chance of getting financed, even though some dealerships were still wanting me to get a co-signer. Not gonna do that.
So I guess God is saying I need to wait a little while longer. Just because I'm desperate doesn't mean I'm stupid. I'm not going to make a mistake with money again, I already am not liking the fact that I'm going to probably have a car payment. Who knows, maybe God is planning dropping me a GREAT deal soon.
But I did enjoy the day with my son. My sweet, precious son has been not only carting his mom around to work and back a lot of days but also took most of the day to go with me car shopping. Now you're probably thinking, "What does an 18 year old know about cars?" Well, in this case--a LOT.
If you remember, he's a freaking genius to start with--gonna major in Mechanical Engineering this Fall at 'Bama, got into Honors College, made a 29 on that ACT, does all his own car maintenance as well as some for other people and is currently working as a machinist this summer. But he also took his Chevy Blazer completely apart after it was wrecked and completely rebuilt it! He may make a few dingy mistakes now and again (like leaving his wallet at home on occasion!) but this kid totally knows things most 18 year olds (and even this 41 year old) doesn't know! He remembers to look at things that I dont and knows the used car market well enough to keep me from making a huge mistake. In fact, he pissed off a few salesmen today!
So what's a mom to do with such an AMAZING son? Take him to lunch, at the very least! We enjoyed some yummy Habeneros and talked about politics, sports, funny movies, world events....it was so much fun. I miss living with my son. But I am SO PROUD of the man he has grown up to be! I am SO going to miss him (yes I know he'll only be 45 minutes away) when he moves to T-town but I'm SO EXCITED for all the opportunities that lay at his feet.
So while car shopping (and waiting to go car shopping--AGAIN!) TOTALLY SUCKS, my son is TOTALLY AMAZING!!!
I knew with my lack of credit (I haven't borrowed money in years, not on paper anyway ;) ) it was going to be an uphill battle but I thought that if I found something inexpensive, aka used, that I would be in a position to negotiate with a little bit of money down. Not so. I need twice what I have to get the car I actually liked and thought I could afford --a 97 Nissan Maxima. But get this, if I buy something NEWER and MORE EXPENSIVE I have a better chance of getting financed, even though some dealerships were still wanting me to get a co-signer. Not gonna do that.
So I guess God is saying I need to wait a little while longer. Just because I'm desperate doesn't mean I'm stupid. I'm not going to make a mistake with money again, I already am not liking the fact that I'm going to probably have a car payment. Who knows, maybe God is planning dropping me a GREAT deal soon.
But I did enjoy the day with my son. My sweet, precious son has been not only carting his mom around to work and back a lot of days but also took most of the day to go with me car shopping. Now you're probably thinking, "What does an 18 year old know about cars?" Well, in this case--a LOT.
If you remember, he's a freaking genius to start with--gonna major in Mechanical Engineering this Fall at 'Bama, got into Honors College, made a 29 on that ACT, does all his own car maintenance as well as some for other people and is currently working as a machinist this summer. But he also took his Chevy Blazer completely apart after it was wrecked and completely rebuilt it! He may make a few dingy mistakes now and again (like leaving his wallet at home on occasion!) but this kid totally knows things most 18 year olds (and even this 41 year old) doesn't know! He remembers to look at things that I dont and knows the used car market well enough to keep me from making a huge mistake. In fact, he pissed off a few salesmen today!
So what's a mom to do with such an AMAZING son? Take him to lunch, at the very least! We enjoyed some yummy Habeneros and talked about politics, sports, funny movies, world events....it was so much fun. I miss living with my son. But I am SO PROUD of the man he has grown up to be! I am SO going to miss him (yes I know he'll only be 45 minutes away) when he moves to T-town but I'm SO EXCITED for all the opportunities that lay at his feet.
So while car shopping (and waiting to go car shopping--AGAIN!) TOTALLY SUCKS, my son is TOTALLY AMAZING!!!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
long overdue...
I still really am not in the mood for blogging but I guess I need to before I forget everything so here goes (and sorry if this writing isn't up to my usual standard--there is no thought whatsoever put into this post and I dont plan to edit. Just do me a favor and try not to judge my honesty)
I've had a rough last few weeks, maybe more. Jeff moved out of our house and back in with his parents. Dylan moved in with my sister and so it hit me REALLY hard. I'm not sure how to explain my feelings without certain people getting the wrong idea so like I said before, please dont judge.
I know that our marriage is over. It's not that I want to try and work things out with him. I do love him as a person, friend, and my children's father. But we stopped being husband and wife a LONG time ago and I know that, so does he. I guess it's human nature to always second-guess the decisions and choices we make in life. Sometimes it really hurts knowing that my family is split up and that it will NEVER EVER be the same again. I grieve that loss, I really do and it isn't that I want it all back--because I dont. And I could never get it back anyway. Even if there was a reconcilement, too much has happened, things would NEVER be the same. What we had, regardless of what happens, is gone forever. And like every other phase of my life that has come and gone (high school, college, pre-kid party days, kids being little, etc.) I am hopelessly nostalgic and sad that it's all gone forever.
So I was crazy for a few days. And boy did it ever backfire on me. Certain people I thought I could trust with my feelings, well, turns out I need to be WAY more careful, which is one reason I haven't been blogging lately. If you're one of the dickheads or bitches that did that to me, I hope you reap what you sow. I am PROUD of the fact that I have the courage to show people the REAL me--good & bad--and that is more than you will EVER have. So bite me. Hard. And swallow.
My bff Shari has given me some really wise advice about my approach to being a single mom. Some things are beyond my control and always will be. Jeff's employer can legally withhold my child support payments from me for a month and even thought it would have been right for Jeff to have paid me ahead so the girls wouldnt have to suffer, there isn't anything I can do. So I just have to swallow defeat on that issue and try to do the best I can. Even if I have to suck up to him for rides to work until I get my own transportation (which I would have if my child support were current!) then that is just what I have to do because it's in the best interest of my daughters that I work--whatever what I have to make that happen. And I have to be charming enough to convince him that's it's in their best interest to help me make that happen. So far, it's worked out okay but he's gotten really irritated because he's jealous.
I'm talking to Craig again and I dont care who knows it anymore. Like I've said before, it's just not in me to hate or hold a grudge, regardless of what he did. Oh I'm not stupid. I will not allow history to repeat itself, don't worry. I'm not moving back in or anything like that. And because I have people out there that want to sabotage me at every turn, I won't share more than that about it. It's MY business and I dont expect anyone to understand or approve. I dont understand it myself sometimes, I only know it is what it is. I feel what I feel and I can't change that. And I dont need your approval.
That's the major reason Jeff tries to withdraw his help/support. Same with my mother and others...people think that withdrawing their help/support, whether it be emotional or financial, that they can control what I do and how I act. I'm beginning to wonder if they ever met me...??? I'm 41 years old and I am going to do what I'm going to do regardless. If you think you're going to make it harder for me, you may be right and you may win--for awhile. You gotta KNOW I will get my way in the end. But it's not about a battle. Either you love me and accept me for who I am--your daughter, your friend, the mother of your children--or you don't. It's as simple as that. And if you don't, I dont need you in my life. Just know that if you try to make things difficult for me, you're only going to end up kicking your own ass!
Craig DID have his court date. He pled guilty. He was sentenced to two years suspended, 1 year probation, 24 months of anger management classes, a fine and court costs. In a way I hate it but...it's not my fault. I did not do it to myself. I did not hit, I did not throw me out of the house. I hope he makes the best of it. Like I said, we are at least on speaking terms again so...and again, I'm not sharing more than that.
I'm enjoying the summer at the daycare. I especially enjoy the days I get to work in the 2 year old class because there's a new man in my life!!! lol His name is Gage, he's 2 1/2 and the absolute SWEETEST thing ever. I just love that kid. It's funny how some kids you just instantly love, some...well it takes time! Some work their way into your heart, some never do and you have to remind yourself that God loves them so it's my job to care for them for Him. Doesn't make it easier though! lol But that kid is one that you just instantly fall in love with.
I do wish my hours were more predictable. They're actually kinda crazy! But at least it's more hours than what I was getting and it is helping...some.
I've been constantly applying for more jobs but so far, nothing. I love what I do and I know it's my calling but I honestly can't make it on what I make. I can survive but I dont want to just SURVIVE. I want a place of my own--and I dont mean a mansion. Just a small apartment and I've been looking. Right now, we're looking at the girls not doing CORE this year because it's so expensive and neither Jeff nor I have the money right now. Unless the extend the deadline--and even then I'm not sure we can do it--they will be straight up homeschooling. They definitely are not going to Tarrant or Gardendale. I dont really want them back in public school at all but Clay or Springville I could live with if we had to. But neither of those is feasible either. I just NEED A FREAKING JOB!!!
Dylan is no longer working at Sam's--he was offered full-time at his other job, a raise and overtime. Plus he gets weekends off so he decided to go with that. He moves in the dorms August 20 and we have SO MUCH to do between now and then. Jeff and I are supposed to be getting him a laptop. He also needs a bike and a bike rack for his car, some good luggage/duffel bag and things for his dorm room. Money, money, money! They say money can't buy everything but it sure can buy a LOT!!!
These days I'm trying not to dwell too much on my mistakes or my critics. They will always be there. I make lists of things I want to do, things that I'm excited about, things I am looking forward to. And I'm trying to focus on what I have and not what I don't. I have a nice, clean place to stay, a job I love and that pays the bills if not much else and three beautiful children that are my life. And for now, that is enough.
Blessings,
I've had a rough last few weeks, maybe more. Jeff moved out of our house and back in with his parents. Dylan moved in with my sister and so it hit me REALLY hard. I'm not sure how to explain my feelings without certain people getting the wrong idea so like I said before, please dont judge.
I know that our marriage is over. It's not that I want to try and work things out with him. I do love him as a person, friend, and my children's father. But we stopped being husband and wife a LONG time ago and I know that, so does he. I guess it's human nature to always second-guess the decisions and choices we make in life. Sometimes it really hurts knowing that my family is split up and that it will NEVER EVER be the same again. I grieve that loss, I really do and it isn't that I want it all back--because I dont. And I could never get it back anyway. Even if there was a reconcilement, too much has happened, things would NEVER be the same. What we had, regardless of what happens, is gone forever. And like every other phase of my life that has come and gone (high school, college, pre-kid party days, kids being little, etc.) I am hopelessly nostalgic and sad that it's all gone forever.
So I was crazy for a few days. And boy did it ever backfire on me. Certain people I thought I could trust with my feelings, well, turns out I need to be WAY more careful, which is one reason I haven't been blogging lately. If you're one of the dickheads or bitches that did that to me, I hope you reap what you sow. I am PROUD of the fact that I have the courage to show people the REAL me--good & bad--and that is more than you will EVER have. So bite me. Hard. And swallow.
My bff Shari has given me some really wise advice about my approach to being a single mom. Some things are beyond my control and always will be. Jeff's employer can legally withhold my child support payments from me for a month and even thought it would have been right for Jeff to have paid me ahead so the girls wouldnt have to suffer, there isn't anything I can do. So I just have to swallow defeat on that issue and try to do the best I can. Even if I have to suck up to him for rides to work until I get my own transportation (which I would have if my child support were current!) then that is just what I have to do because it's in the best interest of my daughters that I work--whatever what I have to make that happen. And I have to be charming enough to convince him that's it's in their best interest to help me make that happen. So far, it's worked out okay but he's gotten really irritated because he's jealous.
I'm talking to Craig again and I dont care who knows it anymore. Like I've said before, it's just not in me to hate or hold a grudge, regardless of what he did. Oh I'm not stupid. I will not allow history to repeat itself, don't worry. I'm not moving back in or anything like that. And because I have people out there that want to sabotage me at every turn, I won't share more than that about it. It's MY business and I dont expect anyone to understand or approve. I dont understand it myself sometimes, I only know it is what it is. I feel what I feel and I can't change that. And I dont need your approval.
That's the major reason Jeff tries to withdraw his help/support. Same with my mother and others...people think that withdrawing their help/support, whether it be emotional or financial, that they can control what I do and how I act. I'm beginning to wonder if they ever met me...??? I'm 41 years old and I am going to do what I'm going to do regardless. If you think you're going to make it harder for me, you may be right and you may win--for awhile. You gotta KNOW I will get my way in the end. But it's not about a battle. Either you love me and accept me for who I am--your daughter, your friend, the mother of your children--or you don't. It's as simple as that. And if you don't, I dont need you in my life. Just know that if you try to make things difficult for me, you're only going to end up kicking your own ass!
Craig DID have his court date. He pled guilty. He was sentenced to two years suspended, 1 year probation, 24 months of anger management classes, a fine and court costs. In a way I hate it but...it's not my fault. I did not do it to myself. I did not hit, I did not throw me out of the house. I hope he makes the best of it. Like I said, we are at least on speaking terms again so...and again, I'm not sharing more than that.
I'm enjoying the summer at the daycare. I especially enjoy the days I get to work in the 2 year old class because there's a new man in my life!!! lol His name is Gage, he's 2 1/2 and the absolute SWEETEST thing ever. I just love that kid. It's funny how some kids you just instantly love, some...well it takes time! Some work their way into your heart, some never do and you have to remind yourself that God loves them so it's my job to care for them for Him. Doesn't make it easier though! lol But that kid is one that you just instantly fall in love with.
I do wish my hours were more predictable. They're actually kinda crazy! But at least it's more hours than what I was getting and it is helping...some.
I've been constantly applying for more jobs but so far, nothing. I love what I do and I know it's my calling but I honestly can't make it on what I make. I can survive but I dont want to just SURVIVE. I want a place of my own--and I dont mean a mansion. Just a small apartment and I've been looking. Right now, we're looking at the girls not doing CORE this year because it's so expensive and neither Jeff nor I have the money right now. Unless the extend the deadline--and even then I'm not sure we can do it--they will be straight up homeschooling. They definitely are not going to Tarrant or Gardendale. I dont really want them back in public school at all but Clay or Springville I could live with if we had to. But neither of those is feasible either. I just NEED A FREAKING JOB!!!
Dylan is no longer working at Sam's--he was offered full-time at his other job, a raise and overtime. Plus he gets weekends off so he decided to go with that. He moves in the dorms August 20 and we have SO MUCH to do between now and then. Jeff and I are supposed to be getting him a laptop. He also needs a bike and a bike rack for his car, some good luggage/duffel bag and things for his dorm room. Money, money, money! They say money can't buy everything but it sure can buy a LOT!!!
These days I'm trying not to dwell too much on my mistakes or my critics. They will always be there. I make lists of things I want to do, things that I'm excited about, things I am looking forward to. And I'm trying to focus on what I have and not what I don't. I have a nice, clean place to stay, a job I love and that pays the bills if not much else and three beautiful children that are my life. And for now, that is enough.
Blessings,
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