Up early...

It's not unusual these days for me to wake up early on the weekends. Any day that I can sleep late, I'm not able to for whatever reason. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be snoozing away when the alarm goes off! Oh well, what are ya gonna do?

This morning, however, I was awakened by a bad dream and it's really bothering me so I got up to pray for awhile and then wound up on Facebook as usual. God help me.

But I am pondering so much in the wee hours of the morning I though I may as well jot it all down as this is the only form of journaling I do anymore.

I dreamt that my dad died. Not the bio-dad, sperm donor but the DAD. The MAN who raised me. It was shocking and terrifying to say the least but maybe God is trying to prepare me in some way because his health is not the best. He has problems with his back, feet and knees and he works SO hard and has his entire life. It's so sad that he's not able to enjoy the things he should now be enjoying now that the nest is empty (or sort of is). Go with me on this rabbit trail here but that's the one thing that bothers me about the whole Dave Ramsey kind of concept (saving for later, etc.) (and btw, I LOVE Dave Ramsey, don't get me wrong)

But my dad has worked hard his entire life and for what? Now he's too old and sick and hurt to enjoy it. He may as well "lived like no one else" while he was younger! That's one of my fears as well...not that I have anything to worry about. The opposite will probably happen to us--we'll live to be 150 and eat dog food because we spend everything we make somehow...anyway...

I'm not ready to lose my dad or anyone close to me. I suppose no one ever is. I think about my friend Lana, from high school whose mom just passed away. I'd been thinking how terrible to lose her mom so close to Christmas. I remember when my grandmother passed away and how MUCH my mom hurt to lose her mom and how it's just now 12 years later that my mom is starting to act somewhat normal again, though she's still not the same and never will be. And then I think about how close Lana and her mom were and how close me and my mom are and I just can't imagine...so I wouldn't have been surprised to dream about my mom dying but my dad?

Maybe it's because we watched The Nativity Story last night and it made me think a lot about Joseph. Now that's a REAL MAN! Just like my dad. :) Not many men are willing to raise someone else's child when they don't have to. They think of it as "baggage" instead of blessings. They aren't willing to step up and think of that child as their own or even God's child. Thank you, Lord for creating men like Joseph and my dad. And I honestly don't know if my dad is saved or not. I've tried to talk to him but he's a VERY private person when it comes to such things. Could this be God's way of letting me know something? And if so, what? I don't know, I guess I'm still foggy from it all. It really does touch my soul though and make me think and ponder so many things.

Then my mind wandered over to my little Drew. He is having surgery tomorrow to remove his tonsils. I'm not worried, I know that God is with that kid. From the moment he first walked into the academy with his shorts and cowboy boots on, he has had my heart. He reminds me so much of Dylan when he was that age that it's almost like I get to step back in time and have my baby boy back for a brief moment or two sometimes. But yet he is so uniquely Drew! The things that child says and does--only a child uniquely blessed by the Lord and touched by an angel could be that way. He is definitely special.

Sometimes it really scares me how deep my emotions can run for some people. But I am thankful that I can feel that.

I have so much to do today though that the details of life will take me from being deep in thought to being busy as a bee as usual...

We are going through our Christmas stuff and seeing what needs to be replaced, etc. (I'm sure we'll need new lights, we usually do)

The girls and I have to do a little shopping. I don't like to shop on Sunday but I did jack squat yesterday so I have no choice.

Jeff & Dylan will be rearranging the garage (again) to put up Dylan's new workbench.

I have to finish shirts and laminate placemats for tomorrow's "Feast". That should be a hoot! I don't think Admin is anywhere near prepared...I just get the feeling they have no idea. A few teachers are stressed and worried about it but not me. It is what it is. I'm gonna take my prozac and go with the flow, as usual. I didn't stress about the Fall Festival and it was fine so this will be, too. We'll see. But it'll be interesting anyway.

I also need to go to my mom's. I need to take her some books and get some of her videos.

And then there's the usual--housework, laundry, cooking, etc.

Lord, all I ask is that You stay with me through the day and don't let me get so bogged down in details that I forget to thank, praise and worship you. Just like last night's movie reminded me--You really are the King of kings!

Moving along...

So I decided to get Kayti the children's version of Great Expectations and she likes it a lot better and is almost done with it! LOL Though she says she feels "ashamed" that she is reading the children's version! And she also asked me what she is supposed to be learning from it. I really don't know. I just remember it being my favorite story of Dickens when I read it and I think everyone needs to have an appreciation of a variety of authors.

I think the girls have finally lost interest in American Girls class and I know I'm kind of burned out on it. I'm glad we get a huge break before next semester and I have to decide what to do.

Okay...so....

one bad thing about facebook--I'm totally neglecting my blog! It's so much easier and faster to just do "status updates" on that thing. Of course, then I get caught up in the games (my farm is coming along nicely, thank you--you should see my "roll tide" spelled out in red hay bales!) and time just gets away from me until I'm tired of being on the computer. Yes, that does happen.

First, let me share pictures of Jeff's Grandparents 70th (yes, that's 70, not a typo) Anniversary party...



The "Great Roberts" as my kids call them...



Jeff and his brother and sister...



We had a great time. I really do love his grandparents!

I have been having SO much fun with my babies! Things are going pretty well at work now though I'm almost scared to say that because every time I let myself feel at ease, the bottom falls out and we have more drama! I just want to enjoy my class and make it to the end of this school year...please Lord. They are such a great bunch of kids and they have the most wonderful parents--I should be having the time of my life, not putting up with all this co-worker drama. Just please, Lord, help me keep my focus on those angels. I would love to share some pictures, but my computer has crashed and I'm borrowing my mom's so I can keep up with work, etc. and so the only pictures I have access to are the ones I'd already uploaded on facebook before the crash and naturally, I would not upload pictures of other peoples' kids onto something like facebook! But trust me, they are precious and I am one very blessed teacher!

Our family went on its annual Fall camping trip last weekend and we had a ...well, very adventurous time! I always like to go the weekend of Halloween if at all possible. The campgrounds are usually all decorated up for Halloween. It's not too hot or cold, the crisp Fall air smells great...it's just tons of fun. It was LOTS of fun until the rain began that night. Our tent is apparently NOT waterproof! Although it is supposed to be. But Jeff says what do you expect from an orange and blue tent? haha I wasn't paying any attention to the colors when I bought the stupid thing several years ago but wouldn't ya know, that's the first thing HE noticed! It has served us well over the years until this weekend. At first it was not so bad. I got up to go to the restroom around 12:30 and I could feel a few drops but nothing to whine about. When I came out of the bathhouse though, it was a torrential downpour! I knew I could not run in the dark (even with a flashlight) and make it back up the hill without busting my you-know-what so I instead made a beeline for the Jeep. Once inside, the original plan was to wait until the rain got lighter and try to make it back to the tent. But I fell asleep. An hour later, Kayti arrives, saying her sleeping bag (also supposed to be waterproof) was soaked. Well then I didn't want to leave her in the car by herself. So she and I slept in the Jeep, quite uncomfortably I might add. I still have a bruise on my hip from the steering wheel, trying to sleep on my side! Early the next morning, here comes Dylan--drenched. His sleeping bag was not waterproof (at least his didn't claim to be) and it's a miracle he's not sick. We immediately began loading up everything and driving home. We had a great day--hot showers, a nice hot breakfast, hot chocolate and naps in a warm, dry bed!

Before the rain:





Later that day, we took the kids to some Fall Festivals/Trunk or Treats and then left them "home alone" while we went a block away to my sweet sister's Halloween party where we had a BLAST!

Meet the Hendersons aka Frankensteins with baby Frankenstein aka "Cooper" poking his little self out there!




Sister Mafia!



(how did I get so short-changed in the heigh department????)

Since then, Jeff and I have celebrated our 20th anniversary! Yes, 20 years we have been married! Wow! It still blows my mind that I'm even old enough to be married that long! I met him when I was 13 so I've more/less been with him more than half my life, literally! What a ride it has been! There are definitely some things I wish we could get a "do over" on but all in all, I wouldn't trade it for the world!



The same day of our anniversary, Dylan was tapped into Mu Alpha Theta--an Honor Society for Math students. Yes, an offspring of me and Jeff is a Math whiz! Unbelievable, I know! But I am SO proud of him!

Last weekend, my mom and my sister and I and some friends went to Christmas Village. We had SO much fun! Then it was back home to watch Alabama kick the crap out of LSU! ROLL TIDE!!!

And then yesterday, my sweet, baby boy turned 17! That is SO not right! I tell my niece all the time that *I* should be the one with a newborn baby boy--seems like he was just born yesterday! She should still be playing with her barbie corvette! I'm still trying to come to grips with how fast time flies and that in a little less than 2 years from now, he'll be a Freshman in college. Lord, I pray, please let all his plans, hopes and dreams come true! This kid has earned it and he is as special as you created him to be.

In addition to the computer crashing, my van is also broked-ded! It needs a new starter is all and hopefully, Jeff can get that fixed tomorrow. Today, me and the girls are spending a quiet day at home. I plan to clean, rearrange my living room furniture in anticipation of putting the Christmas tree up soon and then start on some Christmas planning. We need to schedule our annual baking day, make the necessary lists and get started on our Christmas cards. I also have some planning to do for work...Jeff is taking Dylan to weigh ins for wrestling and then they are going to clean out his Granddaddy's gutters. I'm sure they'll also do a little "shopping". Dylan wants a new work bench for his birthday. You should see the stuff that kid can make! He is so talented!

Hope you have a blessed weekend!

Curriculum overload!

Yikes! In my ambition this summer to get as much planning done as possible, I think I overdid it! We are having to scale back some as the girls are finding themselves too stressed to finished many of their assignments.

So instead of having an art assignment every day, we've scaled that back to once a week or once every two weeks. When I thought about it, I realized that most kids in public school (unless they are in middle or high school and take it as a subject) only do art once a week anyway. So I don't know why I thought they needed it daily.

Our Spiritual Studies course turned out to be a little too ambitious. I've decided to put off reading through the four gospels, the character trait study and the study of organized religions until this summer or next year. Right now, they will continue to read through Beautiful Girlhood and do the study guides for that.

I'm at a stop on Brooke's math progression. She's getting the hang of division so we attempted last week to move on to two digit divisors but I cannot for the life of me explain it to her. I may have to bring brother in on this one!

Kayti has plateaued with Great Expectations. She just cannot get into it and I can't decide whether to make her finish it or not. She DID, however, make the A honor roll in her CORE classes--Greek & Roman History and Pre-Algebra. I am very proud of her!

Brooke goes back and forth about what to do next year. She sort of wants to go back to public school (I am not really wanting her to) and wanting to do CORE. Right now, she is leaning toward CORE.

Yes, it's been awhile....

And I don't know exactly how long this "blog update" will get. I'm just going to type what God puts on my heart to say and share.

First and foremost--thank you all so much for your prayers! They have indeed been felt and have helped so much. However, when Christians start fighting back the devil, he just seems to want to work overtime instead of moving onto something else so please, for now, keep 'em coming!

It has been a VERY difficult month for me. Dylan's truck was stolen, most of you know that. Well, it's been found but lost again. We'd never gotten ownership changed over because we'd only had it for 3 weeks when it was stolen and part of that time it wasn't running and then there was the whole Jefferson County layoff fiasco and neither Jeff nor I had time to stand in line for 4+ hours to get it taken care of. We had the bill of sale so we weren't particularly worried about it. Then it broke down on the side of 459 and within 1 hour (I'm not kidding) it was gone! Finally, last week, the previous owner called us to let us know that Jefferson County had contacted him to let him know that it had been found--not far from where it broke down. But now every time we try to find out where it's being held in impound, we get the run around and no one claims to know anything about it! Ugh! Beauracracy! We don't know anything about the condition of it for certain so we won't know if it's salvageable until we can get someone to tell us where it is and we can go have a look at it.

Things at work have continued to be tense among management and teachers and among and between teachers ourselves with people getting fired, changes being made, etc. and just when I was starting to allow myself to feel a little bit at peace with things--I was accused of spanking a child! Of course I did NOT spank that child but the mother, another teacher, is choosing to believe her three year-old child and when my boss wouldn't fire me on the word of a 3 year-old, she quit. She has not asked me about it or said two words to me and I am very upset about that. For one thing, I am so unbelievably tired of people who claim to be Christians and yet they don't act biblically. The Bible clearly says in Matthew 18--if you have a problem with a brother or sister, go to them FIRST! But then again, that problem seems pretty widespread these days so I'm not really surprised. For another thing, to even be accused of such a thing just tears at my soul. I love all these kids and though she is not even in my class I have loved on her and extended my heart and hands to her as much as any child who is in my class. And finally, if I can survive the summer with Reni (a VERY wild and out-of-control child) and not beat the total CRAP out of that kid, NO ONE has to worry about me hitting their kid. It would not even occur to me to have that as an option. I don't even spank my own kids as much as I probably should!

I am very thankful that administration and everyone else that I've talked to that knows anything about it believes me. But to even have the accusation out there it's like a dark cloud hanging over me that may never go away. I've done the only thing I can do--pray about it and ask God to take care of it.

Though it has been a difficult time, it has not been without it's many blessings amidst the chaos!

1) Jeff is finally back on full-time! So we've started chipping away at this mountain of debt we now have! Please pray for patience from our creditors and for us to be diligent, frugal and good stewards.

2) My sister is having a boy!

Just look at that big grin on my brother-in-law's face. He only THOUGHT he wanted a girl! lol (and just ignore the Auburn attire--he is a poor misguided soul and we are ministering to him as best we can!)

We are beyond excited over here! I cannot wait for another little man!

3) Jeff's grandparents celebrated 70 years of marriage this weekend! We had a huge dinner at their house with all the family and we had a great time. As soon as I recharge my camera batteries and get those photos uploaded, I will share them. Can you believe 70 years? That is AMAZING!! I LOVE his grandparents. You never met two more genuine Christian souls in your life.

4) I finished three amazing books including the latest installment in the Yada Yada House of Hope series. I SO want to start a prayer group of my own! Anyone interested? LOL

5) I continue to be blessed daily as a teacher. I cannot thank God enough for the class He gave me this year. They are the best kids and have the best parents! I love, love, love them!

6) Alabama is undefeated! Yeah, baby!

7) I reestablished contact with one of my siblings via my sperm-donor father--my sister, Misti! I met her for the first time since we were little about 10 years ago and felt an instant bond with her. Sadly, we lost touch again but we found each other again thanks to amazing new thing called Facebook! If you're not on it, you should be. I resisted the temptation for a long time because I had the impression that it was just another Myspace and that experience left such a bad taste in my mouth. But it's not like Myspace at all. I love it, now that I'm used to it! Misti and I have SO much in common. We are both mothers, with three children. We both teach preschool, we are both writers and we are both Christian women struggling with the same issues of faith! We made a promise to pray and ask God for a renewed committment to each other and for Him to make us better in the areas we need to be.

8) Kayti made the A honor roll at CORE and made an A in algebra! She really struggles with Math so this is an amazing accomplishment for her! I'm so proud!

9) I can tell that Brooke is TRYING to improve her attitude/behavior. When it's just me and her, we have a fabulous time. She's a huge help on the days she goes to work with me and I love watching her interact with her friends. She is so happy and outgoing.

10) We are going camping for Halloween weekend! We are not rich people (obviously) and will be doing it primitive style but we love spending time together outdoors. I do pray it warms up just a LITTLE bit, though! LOL

Praise be to God for all things big and small!

from September 20, 2009

I don't even know where to begin...

I feel sometimes like my life is just spiraling out of control. I definitely am not where I pictured myself 20 years ago as I prepared to take my wedding vows. Coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary has made me reflect a lot. I'm trying to focus on all the blessings we have enjoyed instead of all the heartache. But when you've had lots of heartache lately, it's hard to do.

I accidentally got off my medicine again. I didn't mean to. I just ran out and didn't get the chance and the money to get it refilled at the same time until yesterday. I, as well as everyone around me, can definitely tell a difference.

But it's with these major mood swings, rage and anxiety that I've had to endure even MORE drama at work--Veletta (asst. mgr and event coordinator--only 1 left that was part of "Donna's team" quit (I don't know the facts or the details, just a bunch of gossip that I'm not going to even bother to repeat even though this blog is still private and only a handful of close friends even see it. It's just not worth going into--trust me.) and tension at work has been high once again with some of the parents and teachers. I try to do what Donna N does--stay in my own little bubble and not get involved!

Monday, Dylan's truck was stolen. Needless to say, he is devastated and I am heartbroken for him. I know what it feels like--I had a car stolen when I was a teen, too. We only carried liability on it so he is out all the money that he worked all summer for and we are in no position really to help him get anything else. It seems like the harder we battle back from this deep black hole, the further we get pushed down into it. I know God didn't do this but I can't help but wish sometimes He'd supernaturally help me out a little! I know he's there to comfort me but I want more than comfort sometimes! It's not fair that a perfect kid like him--never gives us any trouble, makes super-excellent grades, is super-smart, works hard has to have this happen to him while other teenage brats get everything handed to them. I have to remind myself that the Bible doesn't say one word about being "fair"--it's something I tell my girls all the time. But it still sucks!

Still no word from Hardie Tynes on when they are going to put everyone back on full-time and that is still causing a lot of tension with me and Jeff.

My prayer life is suffering because I just don't have the energy to get down on my knees anymore and that's probably a LOT of my problem. And it probably has something to do with my medication, too. I KNOW in my head I need to MAKE the time and muster up the energy to focus my attention on God--that's probably why all this is happening. But it's hard to do when I'm so angry and depressed all the time.

We need to get back in church somewhere but I'm TIRED of being the spiritual leader in my own home. Sometimes I want someone else to lead but no one is going to.

I'm TIRED of being the one that has to initiate taking care of everything for everybody.

I'm just plain TIRED! And the more I try to rest, the more tired I am. And now I'm not sure what part of this is me and what part of this is the lack of med! Ugh! I just want to scream!

There is so much I want and want to do--not just for me and my family--but for others and I can't focus my attention on anything else right now but what I'm lacking. And I envy those that can and do have the life they want. That is so pitiful and it makes me hate myself for feeling this way.

I don't even feel I'm writing coherently right now so I'll just quit.

Funny video to share for all the 'bama fans!