from September 20, 2009

I don't even know where to begin...

I feel sometimes like my life is just spiraling out of control. I definitely am not where I pictured myself 20 years ago as I prepared to take my wedding vows. Coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary has made me reflect a lot. I'm trying to focus on all the blessings we have enjoyed instead of all the heartache. But when you've had lots of heartache lately, it's hard to do.

I accidentally got off my medicine again. I didn't mean to. I just ran out and didn't get the chance and the money to get it refilled at the same time until yesterday. I, as well as everyone around me, can definitely tell a difference.

But it's with these major mood swings, rage and anxiety that I've had to endure even MORE drama at work--Veletta (asst. mgr and event coordinator--only 1 left that was part of "Donna's team" quit (I don't know the facts or the details, just a bunch of gossip that I'm not going to even bother to repeat even though this blog is still private and only a handful of close friends even see it. It's just not worth going into--trust me.) and tension at work has been high once again with some of the parents and teachers. I try to do what Donna N does--stay in my own little bubble and not get involved!

Monday, Dylan's truck was stolen. Needless to say, he is devastated and I am heartbroken for him. I know what it feels like--I had a car stolen when I was a teen, too. We only carried liability on it so he is out all the money that he worked all summer for and we are in no position really to help him get anything else. It seems like the harder we battle back from this deep black hole, the further we get pushed down into it. I know God didn't do this but I can't help but wish sometimes He'd supernaturally help me out a little! I know he's there to comfort me but I want more than comfort sometimes! It's not fair that a perfect kid like him--never gives us any trouble, makes super-excellent grades, is super-smart, works hard has to have this happen to him while other teenage brats get everything handed to them. I have to remind myself that the Bible doesn't say one word about being "fair"--it's something I tell my girls all the time. But it still sucks!

Still no word from Hardie Tynes on when they are going to put everyone back on full-time and that is still causing a lot of tension with me and Jeff.

My prayer life is suffering because I just don't have the energy to get down on my knees anymore and that's probably a LOT of my problem. And it probably has something to do with my medication, too. I KNOW in my head I need to MAKE the time and muster up the energy to focus my attention on God--that's probably why all this is happening. But it's hard to do when I'm so angry and depressed all the time.

We need to get back in church somewhere but I'm TIRED of being the spiritual leader in my own home. Sometimes I want someone else to lead but no one is going to.

I'm TIRED of being the one that has to initiate taking care of everything for everybody.

I'm just plain TIRED! And the more I try to rest, the more tired I am. And now I'm not sure what part of this is me and what part of this is the lack of med! Ugh! I just want to scream!

There is so much I want and want to do--not just for me and my family--but for others and I can't focus my attention on anything else right now but what I'm lacking. And I envy those that can and do have the life they want. That is so pitiful and it makes me hate myself for feeling this way.

I don't even feel I'm writing coherently right now so I'll just quit.