Church of the Highlands is in the middle of our semi-annual 21 Days of Prayer and I have attended every morning prayer service except one because I was sick and my leg was so achy. I am so thankful for my amazing accountability partner, Kelli! She is there with me every morning. I think if not for her, I would have snoozed that alarm a few more times and just kept on sleeping, like I have many times in the past, and justified it with "they'll have it playing later and I'll just catch up". But it really has made a huge difference in my attitude and prayer life! I hope I can KEEP getting up and putting God first each and every day!
During my prayer time, I have looked back through past entries in my prayer journal--some from a few years ago and some just a few months ago. I'm still in the process of getting everything put online just in case the house burns down or something or for when I pass away, maybe one day my kids or future grandkids might be interested. I LOVE looking back on how God has answered or NOT answered many of my prayers. It is so evident of His greatness, His love, His knowing what's best for His children!
Here is a link to one: Prayer Journal
I laughed when I read it. I remember that relationship and I'm SO GLAD it did not work out. I'm not saying he was a bad guy. Just not for me and now that I'm on the other side of it, I can see it so clearly! Sadly, that wasn't the last time I was blinded by attraction (I can't even call it love!). And even though it STILL hurts and sometimes I don't react like I should, I am now able to get through broken relationships a little easier because I know He watches out for me. I pray for Him to remove things from my life that aren't meant for me. And though sometimes it's devastatingly disappointing, He always answers.
I was also tremendously blessed by Pastor Chris' message this past Sunday about the Prayer of Jabez. I've seen the little book and heard about it before. Many of our old, traditional churches seem to shun away from what they deem as the prayer of prosperity. But Pastor Chris put it in context--prosperity is not a bad thing. It's what we do with it. We don't need to pray for more just to have more. We pray for more so that through us, others are blessed! I have often said if I ever won the lottery, I would share! lol Well, I would. There is SO MUCH NEED that seems to just stay on my heart which brings me to the next part of my post...
I had stepped away from doing a few things that I loved to do--serving on the Events team and serving in the homeless ministry. Physically, I couldn't serve on the Events team anymore because of my knees. Hopefully, after the right one gets fixed I can eventually go back to that. But I stepped away from the homeless ministry because 1) I felt like I was trying to do too much--a problem that has always plagued me. When I was in school I wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING and pretty much was. I still have so many things I want to learn to do. My mom always told me to pick a few things and be good at them instead of trying to do everything. I know she has a point. But I just can't seem to do that and never could. I kind of know why now and I'll get to it in a little bit. 2) The need was constant and overwhelming. I felt like I had to meet every need myself even though I knew that was impossible.
But one of the parts of the Prayer of Jabez tells us to pray for influence. 1 Chronicles 4:10 "...enlarge my territory..." In other words, STRETCH ME. Stretch me. Lord, You have placed all this on my heart but I can't do it alone as I am. I need You to stretch me. Go with me. Bring me help.
So there isn't ONE thing I have to choose. With the help of the Lord, I CAN do it all things! Phil 4:13. Lord, show me Your purpose for my life so I can live a life bigger than my own. I was so excited to learn that I am not limited nor do I have to limit myself!
So I'm making plans to return to homeless ministry as soon as the 21 Days of Prayer are over, Wellhouse still has my application, I am back on the Dream Team but in another capacity (A team, not Events), I STILL have plans to partner with an orphanage in Guatemala and go on mission trips there and other places and I am making plans to start a dog rescue/foster.
If God has done so much in just 10 days, I cannot wait to see what He will reveal in the next 11!
Be blessed!
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Saturday, July 21, 2018
Post surgery and goals for the rest of the year...
So I'm 2 weeks post knee replacement surgery and I'm sitting up in bed on a Saturday after crocheting for a bit. I don't stay in bed all the time but the bed is the most comfortable place for me to get in and out of not to mention the temperature of my living room is freezing no matter what the thermostat is set on. Most days I go back and forth between the bed and the couch just depending on what position is most comfortable for my leg.
I'm doing very well with my physical therapy according to the PT's. I'm no longer using a walker at all and only use a cane sometimes. I'm able to bend my knee up to an 80 degree angle. I've had a few remarks from family and friends about pushing myself to hard but the PT says pushing myself is what I need to be doing. Letting things set up is what gives most people permanent problems. And I'm not an elderly person that only needs to worry about walking around the house. I do enjoy crafts and things that keep me still for a period of time but for the most part, that's not me and y'all know that! So it's looking like I'll have some Summer adventures after all and I could not be happier about that!
I won't, however, be able to get a garden going or chickens this year--that will have to wait and so will the completion of my dream backyard. But that's actually okay because those plans have had to change. Since Zamora Park closed to the public, I've decided to put in a pool next year. Nothing fancy, just a simple little pool for me to cool off with a float and adult beverages should I choose to do so!
I had considered for a brief moment, going to Highlands College for a ministry certificate. (I know, I said I was done with school! But are we ever really done with learning? Well, we shouldn't be!).
But I found a program online that's free and so I've been doing that one instead. I'm also planning to go to tax school in the Fall, either at Jackson Hewitt or H & R Block so I can make extra money during tax season, I still have a dream of getting my personal training certificate, too but obviously that's on the backburner for a bit while I recover. I'm also working hard on my crafts and things and would one day like to have a booth somewhere. But to do that I have to stop keeping and giving away everything I make so I'll have enough to sell!
I am ready to go back to work! It's nice being still for a bit, making plans and pondering dreams, etc. But it can get awfully boring sometimes. I miss my coworkers and being able to feel like I've accomplished things day to day. I have my follow up appointment Tuesday morning and hopefully the doctor gives me the okay to go back to work. The only thing that worries me is that I'm really sore the mornings after I have PT so I may have to make some adjustments somewhere.
Everyone else is doing well. I am blessed to have such great family and friends that have been by my side to help me through this. I can't wait to get back into a real gym and start working towards all my other goals. I feel like good things are ahead!
Be blessed,
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
The last big hoorah!!! (Before surgery)
A while back, I entered a contest that the Cleveland, Tennessee Chamber of Commerce was having on Facebook about "Why you need a weekend getaway".
I shared the story about me and my ex-husband and how we grew up together, were married for 21 years and still made a great effort to remain civil and co-parent our three amazing children. As such we are still very good friends and many people think we will eventually reconcile. I used to think that also, especially when going through cancer treatment in 2015 but God has shown me that He alone is in control and if anything is to happen it will be because He ordains it and it will be on His timetable--not mine. I have learned to be content with that and as such, our relationship is better than ever. We like our time together. And we also like our time apart! But our relationship is like no one else's that I know--especially among divorced couples. Most can't stand the sight of each other let alone, still do things together without the kids.
Anyway, I won the contest! I won a night's stay at a local hotel, rafting for 2 on the Ocoee (which we LOVE) and dinner for 2 at a restaurant of our choosing.
This past weekend, we took our trip and had an amazing time!!!
We drove up directly after work on Friday and worried that the restaurant would close, we had dinner first at Aubrey's. I had the BEST CRAB CAKES EVER!!! Most of the time when I order crab cakes anywhere they are full of vegetables and other filling that there is hardly any crab at all. Not these. These were divine. Jeff had a tuna sandwich but it was not like the kind one makes at home--it was a big tuna steak. He said it was great and that man is picky about his fish!
Then we headed back to the 'ham! I would have loved to have went horseback riding and many other things but there wasn't time. We had a great time though and hope we can make it back this year as soon as I am up and around again!
I shared the story about me and my ex-husband and how we grew up together, were married for 21 years and still made a great effort to remain civil and co-parent our three amazing children. As such we are still very good friends and many people think we will eventually reconcile. I used to think that also, especially when going through cancer treatment in 2015 but God has shown me that He alone is in control and if anything is to happen it will be because He ordains it and it will be on His timetable--not mine. I have learned to be content with that and as such, our relationship is better than ever. We like our time together. And we also like our time apart! But our relationship is like no one else's that I know--especially among divorced couples. Most can't stand the sight of each other let alone, still do things together without the kids.
Anyway, I won the contest! I won a night's stay at a local hotel, rafting for 2 on the Ocoee (which we LOVE) and dinner for 2 at a restaurant of our choosing.
This past weekend, we took our trip and had an amazing time!!!
We drove up directly after work on Friday and worried that the restaurant would close, we had dinner first at Aubrey's. I had the BEST CRAB CAKES EVER!!! Most of the time when I order crab cakes anywhere they are full of vegetables and other filling that there is hardly any crab at all. Not these. These were divine. Jeff had a tuna sandwich but it was not like the kind one makes at home--it was a big tuna steak. He said it was great and that man is picky about his fish!
Then we checked into our hotel, Wingate by Wyndham in Interstate Drive and it didn't take long to fall asleep. It was clean and comfortable and we were tired!
We had breakfast at Cracker Barrel the next morning and then drove around just looking at the quaint little town and enjoying all the beautiful scenery!
When it was time for our rafting trip we had no trouble finding Big Frog Expeditions and the weather had been great all day but low and behold, about 1/8 of the way down the river it started storming. I knew we would continue rafting in rain but I wasn't sure what the protocol was for lightening. I could just visualize my Maw Maw rolling over in her grave at the thought of me on water during a storm. But the guide said we really were in the safest place possible. Getting out and standing under a tree wouldn't be any better because lightening would most likely strike the highest point and a tree is definitely higher than water. But even more probable would be that it would strike a mountain somewhere. Okay by me. I know the Lord Jesus Christ and have accepted Him as my Savior. And after you beat cancer, you tend to not be scared of much. I could definitely think of worse ways to die than going down a beautiful river. Oh how I love rivers. You get to see so much of His wonderful creation that you can't see from the road. And the rivers are always changing. You never take the same trip twice. Anyway, the storm definitely added to the adventure.
When we saw these pictures, Jeff laughed at me for waving! But I've done this many times before and I'd much rather be smiling and waving than looking like this:
When we got out of the river we had to wait a little bit before our bus came to pick us up and it turned out the road was blocked preventing the bus from getting to us so another bus gave us a lift. On the way back to the outfitter, we saw lines and trees down everywhere and we realized the storm did indeed get pretty bad.
After a shower and dry clothes, one of the outfitter's employees had her dogs there. Well, you know I'm all about a dog! If one is within a mile radius of me, it's my new best friend!
Friday, June 8, 2018
Keeping It Real
This post is inspired by a great woman and friend that I admire very much--my former pastor's wife. She shared on social media all her current struggles as a kindness to let others know she doesn't always have it figured out. None of us do. Even when we THINK we do, we often don't because we can't see what God sees. An old Sunday School teacher once explained that the difference between what we see and what God sees is like an iceberg. We can only see what's above the surface of the ocean. But God can see the whole iceberg and when we let Him steer the ship, we navigate better.
It's hard, especially for control freaks like me, to do this all the time. God puts things on my heart and I have yet to learn how to let Him work it all out in due time. Once He gives me something, I tend to just run with it, working out all the details and satisfying the obsessive-compulsive planner within. And even though I know better, I'm still having to learn that that is NOT His way.
I had so many goals at the beginning of this year:
1) Go on a mission trip.
2) Learn to whitewater kayak.
3) Learn to ride a motorcycle.
4) Begin writing a book.
5) Get a new/new to me car.
6) Plant a garden.
7) Raise some chickens.
8) Go on some long hiking/camping trips.
9) Master kickboxing.
10) Get a ministry leadership training certificate.
11) Go to the beach at least once.
12) Look at other employment opportunities just to see what's out there.
13) Lose a lot of weight!
I did learn to ride. I have planted a few things. But everything else has been completely derailed by the fact that in a few weeks I have to have surgery.
Yes, I am having total knee replacement. Eventually both knees will have to be done but we are starting with the right knee. I had bilateral release knee surgery on both knees in 2010 to correct kneecaps that were off-center and causing a lot of pain. It didn't work. I did all of my physical therapy and the kneecaps floated closer back to where they were supposed to be but not completely. I continued to have pain and difficulty doing certain things. Joint fluid replacement and steroid shots helped some. Ice and anti-inflammatory meds helped some. But I've exhausted those options to the point where they no longer provide any relief. I have pushed through the pain and paid for it and now and I can no longer go from sitting to standing to sitting easily. I've gotten three professional opinions. My current doctor is young like me and promises that if I do my PT, I will once again be able to do all of the active things that I love. Or I could wait another 10 years, be miserable and then get it done meanwhile putting my heart and lungs at risk by being inactive.
So after careful consideration and prayer, I'm going to have it done. I'm hoping to get them both done before the year is out but we will have to wait and see how it goes with the first one.
So most of what I had planned for this year is out the window. But that's okay. I can still do some of those things. But to "keep it real", here are my current worries:
1) I have about 1 1/2 weeks of PTO. I'm hoping to be back at work within 2 weeks post surgery. My doctor said that's a little ambitious but possible.
2) I'm looking at several hundred dollars out of pocket. I have good insurance and supplemental insurance. But my PT isn't completely covered. My BFF and I have discussed other options so we'll see how that goes.
3) I won't be able to drive for 5 weeks.
4) My precious mustang is on its last legs. I love that car. But I'm not sure how much longer it's going to last me before it has to be replaced and unfortunately that means debt.
5) I need around $800 worth of out-of-pocket dental work (at least) to repair damage done during radiation 3 years ago.
I know that God will provide as He always has. But I'm human and can't keep my mind from wandering off to worryland every once in a while. To bring myself back to reality, I remind myself that:
1) I have a great job with supportive boss and co-workers, great insurance and my salary meets my everyday needs and some of my wants.
2) I have a great family and I know I can count on their help, including my ex-husband.
3) I have great friends and I'm so thankful for them.
4) I'm otherwise healthy.
5) I have a brain and marketable skills as well as drive and determination.
6) I have a beautiful home.
7) I have a great church and church family and many prayer warriors.
8) I have an awesome Savior that cares as much about the little things as He does the big things and I hope you will remember that as well! The Bible says we have not because we ask not! Don't be afraid to ask! Nothing is too big or too small for God!
Be blessed!
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Laziness
Hey friends!
Not much going on with me right now--watching my Littles play some awesome baseball, training to do whitewater kayaking, nursing a few injuries (nothing major) and still praying for many things, including Guatemala and what the Lord wants me to do next.
Sometimes I become so content with this wonderful life God has blessed me with that I also become complacent. Or downright lazy.
Physically, trying to take care of my injuries I've gotten so out of shape. I'm not motivated to exercise in the ways that I am still able to--swimming or biking. I guess subconsciously I'm perturbed that I can't walk, dance or kickbox for exercise and I'm throwing a silent fit and rebelliously becoming a slug. I've got to get over that! If not, I may not even fit into a kayak much longer!
Mentally, I've been vegging in front of the TV and binge-watching some new shows instead of reading my 1-2 books a month like I usually do. I rationalize that I did SO MUCH reading for grad school (and I did) that I deserve a reading break. Break over.
Spiritually, I'm so at peace right now that I've gotten to where my prayers are mostly in passing--God, please bless so and so with a new job; please comfort the X family during this time of loss; please intervene and restore (whoever's) marriage (seriously there are so many in jeopardy right now). It's been a while since I've sat in deep meditation and prayer for more than a few minutes let alone actually getting on my knees (which hurt right now!) I justify it to myself sometimes with the knowledge that God knows every thought, every need--why do I need to tell him. And even though I already know these answers, I need reminding sometimes and somebody else may also need to know so it bears repeating. This wonderful lady explains it so much better than I ever could. So see below excerpts from melanieredd.com as well as some of my thoughts interjected here and there and enjoy!
So, why do we pray?
He’s almighty, sovereign, and in control of all things. What could we possibly add to His wisdom with our feeble attempts at prayer? It’s a great question.
First, we pray because we are God’s children, and He LOVES to hear from us.
From me: I can remember when my kids were little. As their mother, I often knew what they wanted when they approached me without them having to say a word. But I still loved hearing them ask. It gave me great joy for them to request something from me and even greater joy when it was something I could grant. Of course there were times when I couldn't give them what they wanted--either for their own good (No, you cannot ride your bike in the middle of the street!) or the good of the family (sorry, we cannot get you this expensive toy at the moment because doing so would mean we don't pay our electricity bill this month!)
Our God is the same way. When we make time for Him and call on Him, He loves it! Truly, our voices and our prayers are a sweet sound in His ears.
Second, we pray because it deepens our trust in God Prayer changes us!
It increases our faith! To take our requests, our needs, our concerns, and our hurts to the Lord in prayer brings about change in us. When we dump our cares on the Lord, we rise up with peace and with a resolve that we didn’t have before we prayed. Consider the words of Philippians 4:6-7:
Truly, to pray is to cast our cares on the Lord and trust Him completely.
Third, we pray because it causes us to depend on God.
We pray because prayer reminds us that God is the Creator and we are His creation. There is something humbling about prayer. To acknowledge that God is God and we are not—this is such a positive and a healthy thing for us to do. Prayer limits our pride and our self-reliance. Prayer helps us to turn our attention back to heaven. In Isaiah 40, we are reminded of the greatness of our God. Verse 26 tells us:
Truly, we pray because it takes our dependence off of ourselves and places it on the Lord.
Fourth, we pray because it gives us the chance to express ourselves completely to the Lord.
There is healing in the expression – in the pouring out! “O my people, trust in him at all times. "In our honesty with our heavenly Father, we find healing, help, and wholeness. Prayer is a healing and restorative process. Truly, our honest prayers can bring better health to our lives.
Fifth, we pray because our prayers move the heart of God.
There is something about our prayers that changes, impacts, and affects the way that God acts. Scripture teaches us about this principle and encourages us to fervently pray. In James 4:2, we are told:
And, often, this is a good thing. We will not be able to determine how our God will answer our prayers, but we are instructed over and over in the Bible to pray. When we pray, God responds. Our prayers impact the heart of the Lord. And, our only job is to pray. God is the one who must answer the prayers. That is His job and His responsibility. Truly, our prayers influence the heart of God.
Sixth, we pray because it’s an amazing way that we get to be involved with what God is already doing in our world.
Through our prayers, God works to heal, save, help, and assist other people. We pray because it allows us to participate in God’s work around the globe. To pray is to do ministry. To pray is to serve the Lord and others. Throughout Paul’s ministry, he was constantly asking for prayer and being supported by the believers in prayer. In 1 Thessalonians 5:25, Paul simply writes:
Truly, to pray is to get “in” on what God is doing around the world.
Not much going on with me right now--watching my Littles play some awesome baseball, training to do whitewater kayaking, nursing a few injuries (nothing major) and still praying for many things, including Guatemala and what the Lord wants me to do next.
Sometimes I become so content with this wonderful life God has blessed me with that I also become complacent. Or downright lazy.
Physically, trying to take care of my injuries I've gotten so out of shape. I'm not motivated to exercise in the ways that I am still able to--swimming or biking. I guess subconsciously I'm perturbed that I can't walk, dance or kickbox for exercise and I'm throwing a silent fit and rebelliously becoming a slug. I've got to get over that! If not, I may not even fit into a kayak much longer!
Mentally, I've been vegging in front of the TV and binge-watching some new shows instead of reading my 1-2 books a month like I usually do. I rationalize that I did SO MUCH reading for grad school (and I did) that I deserve a reading break. Break over.
Spiritually, I'm so at peace right now that I've gotten to where my prayers are mostly in passing--God, please bless so and so with a new job; please comfort the X family during this time of loss; please intervene and restore (whoever's) marriage (seriously there are so many in jeopardy right now). It's been a while since I've sat in deep meditation and prayer for more than a few minutes let alone actually getting on my knees (which hurt right now!) I justify it to myself sometimes with the knowledge that God knows every thought, every need--why do I need to tell him. And even though I already know these answers, I need reminding sometimes and somebody else may also need to know so it bears repeating. This wonderful lady explains it so much better than I ever could. So see below excerpts from melanieredd.com as well as some of my thoughts interjected here and there and enjoy!
So, why do we pray?
He’s almighty, sovereign, and in control of all things. What could we possibly add to His wisdom with our feeble attempts at prayer? It’s a great question.
First, we pray because we are God’s children, and He LOVES to hear from us.
“FOR THE LORD, YOUR GOD IS LIVING AMONG YOU. HE IS A MIGHTY SAVIOR. HE WILL TAKE DELIGHT IN YOU WITH GLADNESS. WITH HIS LOVE, HE WILL CALM ALL YOUR FEARS. HE WILL REJOICE OVER YOU WITH JOYFUL SONGS.”
Our God is the same way. When we make time for Him and call on Him, He loves it! Truly, our voices and our prayers are a sweet sound in His ears.
Second, we pray because it deepens our trust in God Prayer changes us!
It increases our faith! To take our requests, our needs, our concerns, and our hurts to the Lord in prayer brings about change in us. When we dump our cares on the Lord, we rise up with peace and with a resolve that we didn’t have before we prayed. Consider the words of Philippians 4:6-7:
“DON’T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING; INSTEAD, PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING. TELL GOD WHAT YOU NEED, AND THANK HIM FOR ALL HE HAS DONE.THEN YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GOD’S PEACE, WHICH EXCEEDS ANYTHING WE CAN UNDERSTAND. HIS PEACE WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS AS YOU LIVE IN CHRIST JESUS.”
Truly, to pray is to cast our cares on the Lord and trust Him completely.
Third, we pray because it causes us to depend on God.
We pray because prayer reminds us that God is the Creator and we are His creation. There is something humbling about prayer. To acknowledge that God is God and we are not—this is such a positive and a healthy thing for us to do. Prayer limits our pride and our self-reliance. Prayer helps us to turn our attention back to heaven. In Isaiah 40, we are reminded of the greatness of our God. Verse 26 tells us:
“LOOK UP INTO THE HEAVENS.WHO CREATED ALL THE STARS? HE BRINGS THEM OUT LIKE AN ARMY, ONE AFTER ANOTHER, CALLING EACH BY ITS NAME. BECAUSE OF HIS GREAT POWER AND INCOMPARABLE STRENGTH, NOT A SINGLE ONE IS MISSING.”
Truly, we pray because it takes our dependence off of ourselves and places it on the Lord.
Fourth, we pray because it gives us the chance to express ourselves completely to the Lord.
There is healing in the expression – in the pouring out! “O my people, trust in him at all times. "In our honesty with our heavenly Father, we find healing, help, and wholeness. Prayer is a healing and restorative process. Truly, our honest prayers can bring better health to our lives.
Fifth, we pray because our prayers move the heart of God.
There is something about our prayers that changes, impacts, and affects the way that God acts. Scripture teaches us about this principle and encourages us to fervently pray. In James 4:2, we are told:
"YET YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU DON’T ASK GOD FOR IT.”
And, often, this is a good thing. We will not be able to determine how our God will answer our prayers, but we are instructed over and over in the Bible to pray. When we pray, God responds. Our prayers impact the heart of the Lord. And, our only job is to pray. God is the one who must answer the prayers. That is His job and His responsibility. Truly, our prayers influence the heart of God.
Sixth, we pray because it’s an amazing way that we get to be involved with what God is already doing in our world.
Through our prayers, God works to heal, save, help, and assist other people. We pray because it allows us to participate in God’s work around the globe. To pray is to do ministry. To pray is to serve the Lord and others. Throughout Paul’s ministry, he was constantly asking for prayer and being supported by the believers in prayer. In 1 Thessalonians 5:25, Paul simply writes:
“BRETHREN, PRAY FOR US.”
Truly, to pray is to get “in” on what God is doing around the world.
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Inside my head...
I wish sometimes I could show some others all the different thoughts going through my head at the same time! No, I'm not crazy (Well, maybe just regular crazy, not certifiable. Not at the moment anyway!) and maybe I do have a touch of ADD/OCD. But from what I've always read and heard, this is how most women are. My singles church group once read the book, Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel which explains so well how women's brains work. If you were to picture a plate of spaghetti and attempted to follow one noodle, you would undoubtedly intersect with many other noodles before you get to the end. These noodles represent thoughts in the brain of a woman--each individual thought we have leads to so many other thoughts! Some refer to this as "going off on a rabbit trail".
So one of the thoughts that I've been pondering since before the end of last year is ministry. We are ALL called to be ministers. Some do it professionally by being a pastor or missionary but others play more subtle roles in the Kingdom. Often roles change and that's okay as long as we are going wherever God tells us to go and doing what He puts on our hearts to do.
A long time ago, God gave me a heart for homeless people. It came from a few different experiences in life. A few different times after my divorce had it not been for a few good friends, I could have been homeless myself. Even though I'm no longer in communication with some, I am eternally grateful for their provision during that time I was struggling to get my feet on solid ground and navigate the course of my new life.
Another time, due to some poor decisions, I spent a few nights in the county jail. It's a long story and charges were subsequently dropped but I'm thankful for the experience because I managed to find a lesson in the experience. I was locked up with women who led lives that broke my heart. So many were THANKFUL to be in jail because they had a warm place to sleep and food to eat. To me, a thin mattress on the floor with a sheet and a pillow was terrible. But to them, it was better than what awaited them on the outside--either sleeping on the street or in the bed of someone that would abuse them. To me, that food was inedible--I seriously could have used the cornbread as a weapon! But to them, it meant not having to do unspeakable things just to have something on their stomachs.
After I was released and got my proverbial ducks realigned, I decided that was my calling--to make sure no one ever thought jail was a good place to be. I served for the next few years with various groups that provided clothing, toiletries, meals and above all, fellowship to individuals and families living on the streets of downtown Birmingham. Some I saw regularly and became close friends of mine. Some I only saw once before they moved on (to where I have no idea). Each person had a different story. Some had been trafficked. Some were addicted. Some had just been released from prison and had nowhere to go. Some were mentally ill and had no one to help them. Some just couldn't handle basic life for some reason. Some had children with them. Some were married couples. Some were alone. But they were all children of God and that is how I chose to see them. It made no difference to me the circumstances that led them there--whether it was their own fault or not. That was between them and the Lord. My job was to simply love on them and provide whatever I could.
As with anything, after awhile, it wears on you. The need is SO GREAT and the resources are SO FEW. It gets difficult asking the same people for the same things over and over again and you feel like they get tired of you asking them to help you help others and yet there is only so much you can do by yourself. You feed them but their clothing and other personal items are constantly getting lost, stolen, broken, wet...and then they need medicine but can't get medicaid or it won't cover what they need. They need glasses. They have fees to pay to maintain their freedom. The list goes on and on. It feels like we are standing that the edge of the beach bailing out the ocean with a teaspoon. And then when you have your own things going on in your life that drain you emotionally sometimes you get in a place where you feel like you have nothing to give. So you take a sabbatical and get with God and try to figure out if He wants to redirect you or just give you rest.
And since I've been resting I remember something else that was near and dear to my heart--Guatemala. In 2007 when I was homeschooling the girls, we were friends with a family that adopted a sweet baby girl from Guatemala. In 2008, UNICEF (and evil, evil organization that I want nothing to do with and nothing to do with anyone else that has anything to do with them!) went in and closed all international adoptions. It is not in the culture of the Guatemalan people to adopt outside their families. I'm sure the severe poverty in that country plays a big part of it. But orphanages are now so overcrowded and underfunded that children and babies are literally being found abandoned on the streets. So I've been thinking about taking a mission trip there. Not that one little trip will do much but it's a start and I believe I've found an wonderful organization that I can form a partnership with to sponsor a child (or more), help on a regular basis and plan mission trips with. And as I'm looking through pictures, there are SO MANY kids that need help (thanks again, UNICEF, for adding to the problem!) that I'm having trouble deciding what to do and who to do it for. Obviously, I can't help them all even though I wish I could.
And so I realize that even though the subject is different, the problem remains the same: too much need and not enough availability.
It reminds me of one of my favorite stories in the Bible from Mark 14 when Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon the Leper and a woman came in with a jar of perfume and poured it on Jesus' head. The disciples chastised her telling her that the perfume could have been sold for money that could have been used to feed so many. But Jesus told them to leave her alone because the "poor with always be with you" and that we can help them any time we want. But that she "did what she could" by helping him prepare for burial.
I know the point of the story is that regardless of what all else we have going on, we need to make the Lord our priority. But I also take away from this that all I can do is what I can do. There is no way, not even if I won the powerball, would I be able to meet EVERY need of EVERY person. Only God can do that. I have to trust that He will call on others to help where I and others fall so very short. And when others don't obey the call to help, well Jesus knew that would happen because he said, the poor would always be with us.
All of that to say that I am still praying and seeking His will regarding how He wants me to serve Him. I don't know if I will stay with serving the homeless, move toward missions in Guatemala or maybe both. But I would definitely appreciate you praying with me for discernment in this area. And I will let you know as soon as I know!
Thanks and many blessings,
So one of the thoughts that I've been pondering since before the end of last year is ministry. We are ALL called to be ministers. Some do it professionally by being a pastor or missionary but others play more subtle roles in the Kingdom. Often roles change and that's okay as long as we are going wherever God tells us to go and doing what He puts on our hearts to do.
A long time ago, God gave me a heart for homeless people. It came from a few different experiences in life. A few different times after my divorce had it not been for a few good friends, I could have been homeless myself. Even though I'm no longer in communication with some, I am eternally grateful for their provision during that time I was struggling to get my feet on solid ground and navigate the course of my new life.
Another time, due to some poor decisions, I spent a few nights in the county jail. It's a long story and charges were subsequently dropped but I'm thankful for the experience because I managed to find a lesson in the experience. I was locked up with women who led lives that broke my heart. So many were THANKFUL to be in jail because they had a warm place to sleep and food to eat. To me, a thin mattress on the floor with a sheet and a pillow was terrible. But to them, it was better than what awaited them on the outside--either sleeping on the street or in the bed of someone that would abuse them. To me, that food was inedible--I seriously could have used the cornbread as a weapon! But to them, it meant not having to do unspeakable things just to have something on their stomachs.
After I was released and got my proverbial ducks realigned, I decided that was my calling--to make sure no one ever thought jail was a good place to be. I served for the next few years with various groups that provided clothing, toiletries, meals and above all, fellowship to individuals and families living on the streets of downtown Birmingham. Some I saw regularly and became close friends of mine. Some I only saw once before they moved on (to where I have no idea). Each person had a different story. Some had been trafficked. Some were addicted. Some had just been released from prison and had nowhere to go. Some were mentally ill and had no one to help them. Some just couldn't handle basic life for some reason. Some had children with them. Some were married couples. Some were alone. But they were all children of God and that is how I chose to see them. It made no difference to me the circumstances that led them there--whether it was their own fault or not. That was between them and the Lord. My job was to simply love on them and provide whatever I could.
As with anything, after awhile, it wears on you. The need is SO GREAT and the resources are SO FEW. It gets difficult asking the same people for the same things over and over again and you feel like they get tired of you asking them to help you help others and yet there is only so much you can do by yourself. You feed them but their clothing and other personal items are constantly getting lost, stolen, broken, wet...and then they need medicine but can't get medicaid or it won't cover what they need. They need glasses. They have fees to pay to maintain their freedom. The list goes on and on. It feels like we are standing that the edge of the beach bailing out the ocean with a teaspoon. And then when you have your own things going on in your life that drain you emotionally sometimes you get in a place where you feel like you have nothing to give. So you take a sabbatical and get with God and try to figure out if He wants to redirect you or just give you rest.
And since I've been resting I remember something else that was near and dear to my heart--Guatemala. In 2007 when I was homeschooling the girls, we were friends with a family that adopted a sweet baby girl from Guatemala. In 2008, UNICEF (and evil, evil organization that I want nothing to do with and nothing to do with anyone else that has anything to do with them!) went in and closed all international adoptions. It is not in the culture of the Guatemalan people to adopt outside their families. I'm sure the severe poverty in that country plays a big part of it. But orphanages are now so overcrowded and underfunded that children and babies are literally being found abandoned on the streets. So I've been thinking about taking a mission trip there. Not that one little trip will do much but it's a start and I believe I've found an wonderful organization that I can form a partnership with to sponsor a child (or more), help on a regular basis and plan mission trips with. And as I'm looking through pictures, there are SO MANY kids that need help (thanks again, UNICEF, for adding to the problem!) that I'm having trouble deciding what to do and who to do it for. Obviously, I can't help them all even though I wish I could.
And so I realize that even though the subject is different, the problem remains the same: too much need and not enough availability.
It reminds me of one of my favorite stories in the Bible from Mark 14 when Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon the Leper and a woman came in with a jar of perfume and poured it on Jesus' head. The disciples chastised her telling her that the perfume could have been sold for money that could have been used to feed so many. But Jesus told them to leave her alone because the "poor with always be with you" and that we can help them any time we want. But that she "did what she could" by helping him prepare for burial.
I know the point of the story is that regardless of what all else we have going on, we need to make the Lord our priority. But I also take away from this that all I can do is what I can do. There is no way, not even if I won the powerball, would I be able to meet EVERY need of EVERY person. Only God can do that. I have to trust that He will call on others to help where I and others fall so very short. And when others don't obey the call to help, well Jesus knew that would happen because he said, the poor would always be with us.
All of that to say that I am still praying and seeking His will regarding how He wants me to serve Him. I don't know if I will stay with serving the homeless, move toward missions in Guatemala or maybe both. But I would definitely appreciate you praying with me for discernment in this area. And I will let you know as soon as I know!
Thanks and many blessings,
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
3 years and still too soon...
It was about 3 years ago this month when I had a biopsy that would change my life. I didn't know it then though. The results were 99% benign. Leave it to me to be in the 1%.
It began a path that I never envisioned being on (not that anyone ever does) of surgery, radiation and recovery that took such a toll on my mind and my body that 3 years later, I'm still trying to "bounce back".
I STILL have nerve damage on the side of my face and head that is sometimes painful. I STILL have trouble stretching my jaw. I STILL have dental work that needs to be done as a result of the radiation to my head. I STILL get tired easily.
But more than the physical is the emotional and mental recovery. At the time I was diagnosed I was not afraid. Click HERE to read my post-diagnosis thoughts. And in my heart I'm still not. I know where I'll go and I am happy with the life I've lived for the most part. But facing "the end" just does something to you it's difficult to describe or explain unless it actually happens to you.
Over this past weekend, I did a lot of what I refer to as "old lady things". They are hobbies I've had for awhile--painting (except painting rocks is new), crocheting, cooking, etc. but they are the things I do to slow myself down and occupy my time and mind when I'm not able to do the more active things like kayak, hike, travel, etc.
But while I was doing this I was watching a few things on my Netflix list and one movie was about a girl diagnosed with terminal cancer and she had just gotten engaged. She was worried about her fiance so she thought she would plan the rest of his life for him because she worried he wouldn't go on with his life unless she planned every detail. That so sounds like something I would do being the planner that I am!
But it was really too soon to watch that kind of movie. And it was really too soon to get a call from my doctor yesterday reminding me that my scan appointment is April 30.
Survivors live with what we refer to as "scanxiety". And let me give you a few tips if you have a relative or close friend that either is a cancer patient or is a cancer survivor:
1) Stop saying "you will be fine". Maybe we will be. Most likely we will be. But we've been told that and thought that before and we WEREN'T. We appreciate that you are trying to be positive and encouraging. We understand you yourself do not want to deal with the fact that we might NOT be fine. But saying "you will be fine" just dismisses what we feel and we need to be allowed to feel whatever it is we're feeling--fear, depression, etc. You saying "you'll be fine" really just pisses us off.
2) Stop accusing us of "playing the cancer card". Trust me, NONE of us wants to "play the cancer card". We don't need or want your pity. If we bring it up, it's for a reason. Maybe we can't meet your expectations in some way and feel like you need an explanation. I don't know. But don't accuse me of soliciting sympathy because I don't want or need your sympathy. Especially if it's fake.
3) Let us talk about what we're afraid of. If we mention things like, "when I die..." or "one day when.." don't attempt to silence us because you don't want to deal with what WILL happen one day. After that day comes it will be too late for us to tell you what we wanted you to know.
There's so much more I could say, especially when someone is actually going through treatment--don't tell them that it could have been avoided if they had done this or not done that. We don't want to hear about what a conspiracy treatment is to get our money because they already actually have a cure. Really, you should just shut the hell up and say nothing because all of us are different and we never know what we want to hear! lol But definitely not those things .
So...knowing my particular type of cancer is slow growing but unpredictable and relentless and that there is a 30-60% chance of recurrence through metastasis somewhere else in my body, I eagerly await April 30 to know if I can breathe a little easier for at least six more months. That's how we live--scan to scan.
Maybe that's why I live like I do--wide open and full throttle. I'm always eager to do things, learn things, etc. There is no point in sitting around planning for "someday", let's plan it NOW. Life is way too short.
It began a path that I never envisioned being on (not that anyone ever does) of surgery, radiation and recovery that took such a toll on my mind and my body that 3 years later, I'm still trying to "bounce back".
I STILL have nerve damage on the side of my face and head that is sometimes painful. I STILL have trouble stretching my jaw. I STILL have dental work that needs to be done as a result of the radiation to my head. I STILL get tired easily.
But more than the physical is the emotional and mental recovery. At the time I was diagnosed I was not afraid. Click HERE to read my post-diagnosis thoughts. And in my heart I'm still not. I know where I'll go and I am happy with the life I've lived for the most part. But facing "the end" just does something to you it's difficult to describe or explain unless it actually happens to you.
Over this past weekend, I did a lot of what I refer to as "old lady things". They are hobbies I've had for awhile--painting (except painting rocks is new), crocheting, cooking, etc. but they are the things I do to slow myself down and occupy my time and mind when I'm not able to do the more active things like kayak, hike, travel, etc.
But while I was doing this I was watching a few things on my Netflix list and one movie was about a girl diagnosed with terminal cancer and she had just gotten engaged. She was worried about her fiance so she thought she would plan the rest of his life for him because she worried he wouldn't go on with his life unless she planned every detail. That so sounds like something I would do being the planner that I am!
But it was really too soon to watch that kind of movie. And it was really too soon to get a call from my doctor yesterday reminding me that my scan appointment is April 30.
Survivors live with what we refer to as "scanxiety". And let me give you a few tips if you have a relative or close friend that either is a cancer patient or is a cancer survivor:
1) Stop saying "you will be fine". Maybe we will be. Most likely we will be. But we've been told that and thought that before and we WEREN'T. We appreciate that you are trying to be positive and encouraging. We understand you yourself do not want to deal with the fact that we might NOT be fine. But saying "you will be fine" just dismisses what we feel and we need to be allowed to feel whatever it is we're feeling--fear, depression, etc. You saying "you'll be fine" really just pisses us off.
2) Stop accusing us of "playing the cancer card". Trust me, NONE of us wants to "play the cancer card". We don't need or want your pity. If we bring it up, it's for a reason. Maybe we can't meet your expectations in some way and feel like you need an explanation. I don't know. But don't accuse me of soliciting sympathy because I don't want or need your sympathy. Especially if it's fake.
3) Let us talk about what we're afraid of. If we mention things like, "when I die..." or "one day when.." don't attempt to silence us because you don't want to deal with what WILL happen one day. After that day comes it will be too late for us to tell you what we wanted you to know.
There's so much more I could say, especially when someone is actually going through treatment--don't tell them that it could have been avoided if they had done this or not done that. We don't want to hear about what a conspiracy treatment is to get our money because they already actually have a cure. Really, you should just shut the hell up and say nothing because all of us are different and we never know what we want to hear! lol But definitely not those things .
So...knowing my particular type of cancer is slow growing but unpredictable and relentless and that there is a 30-60% chance of recurrence through metastasis somewhere else in my body, I eagerly await April 30 to know if I can breathe a little easier for at least six more months. That's how we live--scan to scan.
Maybe that's why I live like I do--wide open and full throttle. I'm always eager to do things, learn things, etc. There is no point in sitting around planning for "someday", let's plan it NOW. Life is way too short.
A life well lived.
I know that no matter what I write it will not do justice to what I feel. Or what my ex-husband feels. Or my kids feel. But I have to get it out and put it "on paper" so to speak.
A few weeks ago, one of the most precious women ever to walk this earth passed away. My ex-husband, Jeff's grandmother, Clayton Beatrice Eubanks Roberts at age 96 went to be with her Lord and Savior. She was reunited in Heaven with her husband of 71 years, Joseph Cosmo Roberts, her son Glenn Dale, her parents and many other relatives and friends that passed on before her.
She is survived by three daughters, Martha, Frances and Edith. Martha has 4 children--Charlie, Angie, Beth and John. Frances has two sons--Danny and Michael. Edith has 3 children--Ricky, Traci and Jeff, my ex-husband. There is no way I could name all of the great grandchildren and great great grandchildren.
She served her Lord and her family all the days of her life. I met her 34 years ago when Jeff and I were still teenagers and just dating. In all that time, I never once knew her to have an unkind word to say, let alone actually say it. She always was in a great mood and had a smile on her beautiful face.
My kids loved hearing her talk about growing up on a farm during the depression and how wondeful it was because they didn't ever know times were hard. They always had plenty to eat and a great time.
She was a great cook and I remember when Jeff and I first got married he told me about his grandmother's chocolate and biscuits. At the time I thought that was disgusting. But because he loved them I got the recipe and made them and oh my word, what a treat!
When Jeff and I divorced, she always asked my kids how I was doing and the few times I got to see her afterward, she was always kind to me. I'm sure she knew the circumstances surrounding our split but she was never angry, never bitter, never unkind. She always extended understanding, love and forgiveness. Oh to be like that!
I kid you not when I tell you how completely Christ-like she and granddaddy both were. They were not the kind of Christians that thought they were the only righteous people on earth. They weren't the type to spout out Bible verses or preach to you. They would never turn anyone away or speak in judgement of others. They probably didn't even think such thoughts. They just lived. Calmly, simply and lovingly. THAT is how true Christians should be. And the thing about it is they seemed to do it so effortlessly.
What we would all give to live 96 years--to see our children and grandchildren grown, to meet our great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren and even see some of them grown and doing well. But to live 96 years so close to the Lord that you could even be mistaken for Him because of how you act--it not only leaves me speechless but breathless. Wow. To live that kind of life is what we should ALL be striving for because that is as close to a perfect life as we could possibly get.
I am sure that when she passed on into Heaven, she not only heard welcoming cheers but no doubt she heard the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Well done, indeed.
We love and miss you very much, Grandmother Roberts!
A few weeks ago, one of the most precious women ever to walk this earth passed away. My ex-husband, Jeff's grandmother, Clayton Beatrice Eubanks Roberts at age 96 went to be with her Lord and Savior. She was reunited in Heaven with her husband of 71 years, Joseph Cosmo Roberts, her son Glenn Dale, her parents and many other relatives and friends that passed on before her.
She is survived by three daughters, Martha, Frances and Edith. Martha has 4 children--Charlie, Angie, Beth and John. Frances has two sons--Danny and Michael. Edith has 3 children--Ricky, Traci and Jeff, my ex-husband. There is no way I could name all of the great grandchildren and great great grandchildren.
She served her Lord and her family all the days of her life. I met her 34 years ago when Jeff and I were still teenagers and just dating. In all that time, I never once knew her to have an unkind word to say, let alone actually say it. She always was in a great mood and had a smile on her beautiful face.
My kids loved hearing her talk about growing up on a farm during the depression and how wondeful it was because they didn't ever know times were hard. They always had plenty to eat and a great time.
She was a great cook and I remember when Jeff and I first got married he told me about his grandmother's chocolate and biscuits. At the time I thought that was disgusting. But because he loved them I got the recipe and made them and oh my word, what a treat!
When Jeff and I divorced, she always asked my kids how I was doing and the few times I got to see her afterward, she was always kind to me. I'm sure she knew the circumstances surrounding our split but she was never angry, never bitter, never unkind. She always extended understanding, love and forgiveness. Oh to be like that!
I kid you not when I tell you how completely Christ-like she and granddaddy both were. They were not the kind of Christians that thought they were the only righteous people on earth. They weren't the type to spout out Bible verses or preach to you. They would never turn anyone away or speak in judgement of others. They probably didn't even think such thoughts. They just lived. Calmly, simply and lovingly. THAT is how true Christians should be. And the thing about it is they seemed to do it so effortlessly.
What we would all give to live 96 years--to see our children and grandchildren grown, to meet our great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren and even see some of them grown and doing well. But to live 96 years so close to the Lord that you could even be mistaken for Him because of how you act--it not only leaves me speechless but breathless. Wow. To live that kind of life is what we should ALL be striving for because that is as close to a perfect life as we could possibly get.
I am sure that when she passed on into Heaven, she not only heard welcoming cheers but no doubt she heard the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Well done, indeed.
We love and miss you very much, Grandmother Roberts!
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Reiterating what forgiveness is and is NOT!
This is not going to be my most eloquent piece as I am trying to squeeze it into a lunch hour along with several other things but here goes:
I posted a little while back about forgiveness and how it is a difficult thing to do, especially immediately following a hurt or injustice. But if we are able to stay in control of our emotions (and often we are not and that's okay but we really should try) then once the initial shock and pain has subsided, we have a choice: We can continue to be mad and hold a grudge against our offender and people often choose to do this because it gives their flesh some sense of satisfaction thinking they are somehow hurting the person who hurt them by withholding the pardon. As if that other person is sitting around waiting and worrying if they are being thought of fondly (or at all) and how often and is on pins and needles waiting to be released from the guilt of his/her offense. When often, most of the time he or she doesn't even know they've hurt you or moreover--doesn't care. I believe it's a coping mechanism--to trick ourselves into thinking that that gosh-awful person who caused us such pain is just sitting there biting their nails waiting for us to say, "I forgive you" because it gives us a sense of power and helps us to regain control of our own emotions by thinking we've affected that person in this way. And it may help us to feel a little better in the beginning and maybe that's a crucial part of healing.
But for the long term, withholding forgiveness is just poisoning yourself. I'm sure you've hurt it put the same several ways I have:
1) It's like setting yourself on fire and hoping the other person dies of smoke inhalation.
2) It's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
And I'm sure there are several other analogies. But that's pretty much what happens because like I said--the person that hurt you either 1) doesn't know or 2) doesn't care. YOU are the one causing your suffering by continuing to be mad, hurt and depressed.
Now I am NOT saying, "just get over it and move on". Those are the most hurtful words a hurting person can hear, especially from a friend.
But friends, I promise you that you will find such healing when you literally hand it over to the Lord to handle. It may be that the person never meant to hurt you. It may mean that they will get a valuable lesson on down the road when they get hurt. It may mean both, only God knows. But your soul and your spirit can only handle so much and it's so true that you attract what you put out. If all you ever do is allow yourself to be angry and bitter--that is what you will get back from the universe. Like attracts like in this way. I've been hurt (and I have hurt) often and I know there is so much more peace in my life when I am able, through prayer and meditation, to let it go. The greatest "revenge" truly is living well.
But here's what forgiveness is NOT. It does NOT mean you have to reconcile or let that person back into your life in any way shape or form. That's YOUR choice and only you can make it based on circumstances. If we're talking about a marriage here and the offender is truly sorrowful, repentant and taking every step to improve or work it out, then you may want to consider allowing a reconciliation to happen. If you've been abused or if there is a chance your children will be abused then it would be unwise to put yourself or anyone else at risk. Of course these examples are romantic relationships which involve different people, different circumstances and different situations that come under considerations. It's certainly not the only form of hurt. It could involve a close friend, family member, co-worker, clergy member and a number of situations. The point is forgiveness doesn't mean all is forgotten and we can all come together singing kumbaya and all is well.
The reason I feel the need to rehash this is I received a friend request from someone not to long ago and I was absolutely shocked about it. I have the feeling that he/she might have read my post about forgiveness from a few weeks ago and thought that the door was now open. No. No way. No how and probably not ever.
I'm not going into details and I honestly have nothing against this person. But the person was involved in a situation that hurt me to the core. It may not have been intentional, especially on his/hers part. But it doesn't matter. I have no intention of becoming friends with him/her and I have my reasons for choosing not to do so. If I saw them on the street...well, I can't honestly say what I would do. I may smile and wave and walk on. I may look the other way and walk on. But I would definitely walk on. There is no reason for us to be in each others' lives and I can see no good that could possibly come from it. I can forgive and love this person as a brother or sister in Christ or at the very least, a blessed child of God without elevating them to the status of friend.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not mutually exclusive--one does not have to occur in order for the other to occur--and it's important to know that, my sweet friends and followers!
Be blessed!
I posted a little while back about forgiveness and how it is a difficult thing to do, especially immediately following a hurt or injustice. But if we are able to stay in control of our emotions (and often we are not and that's okay but we really should try) then once the initial shock and pain has subsided, we have a choice: We can continue to be mad and hold a grudge against our offender and people often choose to do this because it gives their flesh some sense of satisfaction thinking they are somehow hurting the person who hurt them by withholding the pardon. As if that other person is sitting around waiting and worrying if they are being thought of fondly (or at all) and how often and is on pins and needles waiting to be released from the guilt of his/her offense. When often, most of the time he or she doesn't even know they've hurt you or moreover--doesn't care. I believe it's a coping mechanism--to trick ourselves into thinking that that gosh-awful person who caused us such pain is just sitting there biting their nails waiting for us to say, "I forgive you" because it gives us a sense of power and helps us to regain control of our own emotions by thinking we've affected that person in this way. And it may help us to feel a little better in the beginning and maybe that's a crucial part of healing.
But for the long term, withholding forgiveness is just poisoning yourself. I'm sure you've hurt it put the same several ways I have:
1) It's like setting yourself on fire and hoping the other person dies of smoke inhalation.
2) It's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
And I'm sure there are several other analogies. But that's pretty much what happens because like I said--the person that hurt you either 1) doesn't know or 2) doesn't care. YOU are the one causing your suffering by continuing to be mad, hurt and depressed.
Now I am NOT saying, "just get over it and move on". Those are the most hurtful words a hurting person can hear, especially from a friend.
But friends, I promise you that you will find such healing when you literally hand it over to the Lord to handle. It may be that the person never meant to hurt you. It may mean that they will get a valuable lesson on down the road when they get hurt. It may mean both, only God knows. But your soul and your spirit can only handle so much and it's so true that you attract what you put out. If all you ever do is allow yourself to be angry and bitter--that is what you will get back from the universe. Like attracts like in this way. I've been hurt (and I have hurt) often and I know there is so much more peace in my life when I am able, through prayer and meditation, to let it go. The greatest "revenge" truly is living well.
But here's what forgiveness is NOT. It does NOT mean you have to reconcile or let that person back into your life in any way shape or form. That's YOUR choice and only you can make it based on circumstances. If we're talking about a marriage here and the offender is truly sorrowful, repentant and taking every step to improve or work it out, then you may want to consider allowing a reconciliation to happen. If you've been abused or if there is a chance your children will be abused then it would be unwise to put yourself or anyone else at risk. Of course these examples are romantic relationships which involve different people, different circumstances and different situations that come under considerations. It's certainly not the only form of hurt. It could involve a close friend, family member, co-worker, clergy member and a number of situations. The point is forgiveness doesn't mean all is forgotten and we can all come together singing kumbaya and all is well.
The reason I feel the need to rehash this is I received a friend request from someone not to long ago and I was absolutely shocked about it. I have the feeling that he/she might have read my post about forgiveness from a few weeks ago and thought that the door was now open. No. No way. No how and probably not ever.
I'm not going into details and I honestly have nothing against this person. But the person was involved in a situation that hurt me to the core. It may not have been intentional, especially on his/hers part. But it doesn't matter. I have no intention of becoming friends with him/her and I have my reasons for choosing not to do so. If I saw them on the street...well, I can't honestly say what I would do. I may smile and wave and walk on. I may look the other way and walk on. But I would definitely walk on. There is no reason for us to be in each others' lives and I can see no good that could possibly come from it. I can forgive and love this person as a brother or sister in Christ or at the very least, a blessed child of God without elevating them to the status of friend.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not mutually exclusive--one does not have to occur in order for the other to occur--and it's important to know that, my sweet friends and followers!
Be blessed!
Monday, April 9, 2018
But first, some commentary: You're stupid!
For weeks now, we’ve heard nothing but how stupid the younger generation is for eating tide pods and snorting condoms. While I don’t disagree with that assessment of those actions, guess who else is stupid? Anyone who 1) ever joined a social media website thinking their identity/personal information, etc. would not be shared with other websites 2) believes Facebook is going to get hit with big fines and/or have to pay damages to users as a result of said sharing.
So with that said, I probably just spoke to at least half of my friends and called them stupid. Yes, if you believe either of those things, you’re stupid! I still love you but you’re stupid.
The ONLY way to keep anything you consider “personal” private is to NOT PUT IT ON THE INTERNET. You may think you can limit your privacy settings, etc. and for the average Joe user, he/she will not be able to access your stuff. But unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past decade, you must have heard of hackers--a person who uses computers to gain unauthorized access to data.
More than that, anytime you click on one of those little quizzes to find out what kind of fruit or shoe you are, which Disney prince you’ll marry or what color your aura is, you are ultimately sharing “personal” information. The makers of those quizzes use that information to determine which businesses might want to target their ads toward you. What you determine as “invasive”, others call “smart marketing” because in this day and age of DVR’s, streaming and satellite radio where one has the option to avoid commercials, the advertising industry has had to come up with new and innovative ways to find target markets for their products and services. What you find annoying (and trust me, I do, too) is necessary for some businesses to be successful.
And back to the hackers—no Facebook will not be held accountable for neither selling information to marketers (because that is how they make money--you did realize it existed to make money right? Or did you think it was there purely for your enjoyment? Oh wow, you are BEYOND stupid!) nor for being hacked provided they took every appropriate measure to prevent hacking. Do you remember when Experian, the credit bureau, was hacked in 2017? You were much more at risk when that happened and do you know what? They did NOT have to pay any fines.
So shut up about Facebook already. Stop acting like it’s taking over everything. It may be. But guess what? You’re the one letting it happen. No one is forcing you to use it. Want to leave? Leave. Nobody cares. We may miss chatting with you but we respect your decision and we won't beg you to stay. Do I share things on this site? Absolutely. And sometimes I share too much. But I’m not on here whining about the invasion of my privacy either. So let me spell it out for you: Don’t want your personal information shared? Don’t put it out there.
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Keeping it moving...
I meant to blog more this past month. No, I really did! But I've been so busy living my life I haven't had much time to write about it. Today, I'm making myself stop and reflect for a minute.
I did get my storage organized for the most part. I'm needing help moving two pieces of furniture from one shed to the other. Then I need to clean my kayak and figure out how to hang it so the hull doesn't get warped. But the weather has been uncooperative for the most part.
The new guy and I went on a hike last weekend and although my knees and heel have been bothering me quite a bit most days (I blame the rain! I also think I may have spurs on my heel. Getting old sucks!), I took my hiking stick--titanium with a rubber stopper on the end--and it helped navigate some rough spots. We went to Swan Bridge and it was so beautiful! We're planning to do more hikes and kayaking adventures as the weather improves (we hope the weather improves).
The previous boyfriend sort of got me hooked on college basketball and I've been diligently watching my Tide. I love them but I'm not too confident they will go far in the NCAA tournament. I guess getting hooked on another sport isn't as bad as another previous boyfriend years ago that attempted to get me hooked on drugs! See, I'm learning to find the positive in everything, not just the obvious.
I got a new hair color and style. I am no longer a blonde and I love it. Even though I was going for more red, I like the way it turned out and I've gotten many compliments on it. She also gave it a deep conditioning which it desperately needed and it feels great! It's also much easier to style even though it's not short. And I can still pull it up when I am exercising, cleaning, or whatever.
The current boyfriend got me hooked on the History Channel series, Vikings. I binge-watched it for a few weeks and am all caught up. Now I have a series hangover until August! Good thing Survivor started a new season.
I've also taken an interest in hunting. I'm preparing to buy a rifle soon and practice over the summer before the next deer season begins.
New man and I took a little road trip to the Jack Daniels distillery this past weekend and I.LOVED.EVERY.MINUTE.OF.IT!!! I highly recommend visiting. Even if you don't care for whiskey and even if you don't care for any adult beverages at all the history is fascinating and it's a cute little town. The drive is very scenic and peaceful. I already loved Old No. 7 but I got to taste JD Honey and JD Fire--which is MUCH better than Fireball (puke). Mix the two together and you have yourself a drink called Bee Sting! It's my new favorite drink. 😀
I also attended the Ladies Event at Harley Davidson. I got to try a stationary motorcycle and found out I was pretty good at shifting! But because I know there's much more to riding a motorcycle than shifting, I signed up for Riding Academy in a few weeks! I am so excited but now I have to think about what this new hobby is going to cost! LOL I did manage to find a lady on Facebook that was selling some of her biker things and I got riding pants, boots and an awesome helmet all for $50! But even a used Harley is going to cost some money and that may take awhile. Especially when I am needing to finance so many other things. I need to find some hobbies that don't cost so much money!
I still love my little home! But something about it has made me want to do things I never thought I would be interested in. I already have a chicken coop on the property so...yes, I'm thinking about it. I want to learn more about it before I dive into that. I'm also planning to try again at gardening. Usually if something doesn't bark or cry, I forget about it and it dies. But I'm hoping a little more education on the subject and a little more time now that I don't have kids at home or grad school to contend with may just help me turn my black thumb green. Standby.
I've even taken to making homemade dog treats and resumed crocheted. I guess my old lady is starting to show. But I don't care. I love trying new things and as much as I love activities that feed the adrenaline junkie in me, I like to balance it out with activities that force me to calm myself and be still.
I have taken a step back from the homeless ministry. At first I was so emotionally drained from the last month of last year and my heart just wasn't in it. Then I got frustrated because it feels like I'm hardly making a difference. It's like bailing out the ocean with a teaspoon. There is SO MUCH need and so little resources. And I'm starting to feel like I'm being led in a different direction. I don't know what that is yet so I've taken a break to try and figure it out. Thus the need for more more quiet activities so I can hear when I'm being spoken to!
I'm still reading through Lysa TerKeurst's Uninvited and finding it so helpful. And Pastor Jentezen Franklin spoke at church last week and his new book is titled Love Like You've Never Been Hurt. Both books seem to compliment each other well and I can't wait to dive into the second. Pastor Jentezen previewed it a little in his sermon and it's things I SO needed to hear a few months ago. But when I actually got to meet him as he signed my book, I told him I will take it now rather than never. Somehow God helped me to heal and I started loving my life again and I'm so thankful. I had stayed a little miffed about the whole thing for longer than I allowed myself to admit but now, I've truly released it. I can honestly say I wish the best for him, wherever he is and whatever he's doing.
It's funny how we have to be taught over and over again that forgiveness isn't about the other person that wronged us. Forgiveness is for US. It doesn't mean that what the other person did was okay. It simply means we are free from the burden of having been hurt and feeling like we need to hurt back in return. It means we release our right to avenge and give it over to God to do and I KNOW He can do it so much better than I can! Because I have certainly been on the receiving end of His vengeance at times. Even though I know He loves me it's because He loves me that I must be disciplined sometimes in ways that help me understand things better. Through my hurt, I caught a glimpse of how badly I hurt someone else and I was finally truly sorrowful.
It's hard to give over that desire of wanting to "get someone back" because it is what our flesh wants. And sometimes the flesh wins. But when that happens it is seldom if not never a good thing. I hope I've articulated that well and I hope that what I've shared will help someone out there to forgive and move forward. You have EVERY RIGHT to feel what you feel. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They want you to be positive and move on mostly for their comfort--because they don't know how to handle it or because they don't like seeing you down and defeated. But even when their intentions are good, they are still wrong. Let yourself feel what you feel and move on when YOU are ready. Just guard your heart and your mind in the process. And if you lose people along the way, well, that, too, can turn out to be a blessing. Just trust Him. It's not easy and I know I fail time and time again and probably will continue to do so. I'm glad I serve a loving God that understands my weaknesses and loves me in spite of them. Anger isn't a sin. God Himself got angry and I believe STILL gets angry. It's how we respond in our anger that sets us apart and I, regrettably, still struggle with that at times. But God and I are working on it!
Until next time, be blessed!
I did get my storage organized for the most part. I'm needing help moving two pieces of furniture from one shed to the other. Then I need to clean my kayak and figure out how to hang it so the hull doesn't get warped. But the weather has been uncooperative for the most part.
The new guy and I went on a hike last weekend and although my knees and heel have been bothering me quite a bit most days (I blame the rain! I also think I may have spurs on my heel. Getting old sucks!), I took my hiking stick--titanium with a rubber stopper on the end--and it helped navigate some rough spots. We went to Swan Bridge and it was so beautiful! We're planning to do more hikes and kayaking adventures as the weather improves (we hope the weather improves).
The previous boyfriend sort of got me hooked on college basketball and I've been diligently watching my Tide. I love them but I'm not too confident they will go far in the NCAA tournament. I guess getting hooked on another sport isn't as bad as another previous boyfriend years ago that attempted to get me hooked on drugs! See, I'm learning to find the positive in everything, not just the obvious.
I got a new hair color and style. I am no longer a blonde and I love it. Even though I was going for more red, I like the way it turned out and I've gotten many compliments on it. She also gave it a deep conditioning which it desperately needed and it feels great! It's also much easier to style even though it's not short. And I can still pull it up when I am exercising, cleaning, or whatever.
The current boyfriend got me hooked on the History Channel series, Vikings. I binge-watched it for a few weeks and am all caught up. Now I have a series hangover until August! Good thing Survivor started a new season.
I've also taken an interest in hunting. I'm preparing to buy a rifle soon and practice over the summer before the next deer season begins.
New man and I took a little road trip to the Jack Daniels distillery this past weekend and I.LOVED.EVERY.MINUTE.OF.IT!!! I highly recommend visiting. Even if you don't care for whiskey and even if you don't care for any adult beverages at all the history is fascinating and it's a cute little town. The drive is very scenic and peaceful. I already loved Old No. 7 but I got to taste JD Honey and JD Fire--which is MUCH better than Fireball (puke). Mix the two together and you have yourself a drink called Bee Sting! It's my new favorite drink. 😀
I also attended the Ladies Event at Harley Davidson. I got to try a stationary motorcycle and found out I was pretty good at shifting! But because I know there's much more to riding a motorcycle than shifting, I signed up for Riding Academy in a few weeks! I am so excited but now I have to think about what this new hobby is going to cost! LOL I did manage to find a lady on Facebook that was selling some of her biker things and I got riding pants, boots and an awesome helmet all for $50! But even a used Harley is going to cost some money and that may take awhile. Especially when I am needing to finance so many other things. I need to find some hobbies that don't cost so much money!
I still love my little home! But something about it has made me want to do things I never thought I would be interested in. I already have a chicken coop on the property so...yes, I'm thinking about it. I want to learn more about it before I dive into that. I'm also planning to try again at gardening. Usually if something doesn't bark or cry, I forget about it and it dies. But I'm hoping a little more education on the subject and a little more time now that I don't have kids at home or grad school to contend with may just help me turn my black thumb green. Standby.
I've even taken to making homemade dog treats and resumed crocheted. I guess my old lady is starting to show. But I don't care. I love trying new things and as much as I love activities that feed the adrenaline junkie in me, I like to balance it out with activities that force me to calm myself and be still.
I have taken a step back from the homeless ministry. At first I was so emotionally drained from the last month of last year and my heart just wasn't in it. Then I got frustrated because it feels like I'm hardly making a difference. It's like bailing out the ocean with a teaspoon. There is SO MUCH need and so little resources. And I'm starting to feel like I'm being led in a different direction. I don't know what that is yet so I've taken a break to try and figure it out. Thus the need for more more quiet activities so I can hear when I'm being spoken to!
I'm still reading through Lysa TerKeurst's Uninvited and finding it so helpful. And Pastor Jentezen Franklin spoke at church last week and his new book is titled Love Like You've Never Been Hurt. Both books seem to compliment each other well and I can't wait to dive into the second. Pastor Jentezen previewed it a little in his sermon and it's things I SO needed to hear a few months ago. But when I actually got to meet him as he signed my book, I told him I will take it now rather than never. Somehow God helped me to heal and I started loving my life again and I'm so thankful. I had stayed a little miffed about the whole thing for longer than I allowed myself to admit but now, I've truly released it. I can honestly say I wish the best for him, wherever he is and whatever he's doing.
It's funny how we have to be taught over and over again that forgiveness isn't about the other person that wronged us. Forgiveness is for US. It doesn't mean that what the other person did was okay. It simply means we are free from the burden of having been hurt and feeling like we need to hurt back in return. It means we release our right to avenge and give it over to God to do and I KNOW He can do it so much better than I can! Because I have certainly been on the receiving end of His vengeance at times. Even though I know He loves me it's because He loves me that I must be disciplined sometimes in ways that help me understand things better. Through my hurt, I caught a glimpse of how badly I hurt someone else and I was finally truly sorrowful.
It's hard to give over that desire of wanting to "get someone back" because it is what our flesh wants. And sometimes the flesh wins. But when that happens it is seldom if not never a good thing. I hope I've articulated that well and I hope that what I've shared will help someone out there to forgive and move forward. You have EVERY RIGHT to feel what you feel. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They want you to be positive and move on mostly for their comfort--because they don't know how to handle it or because they don't like seeing you down and defeated. But even when their intentions are good, they are still wrong. Let yourself feel what you feel and move on when YOU are ready. Just guard your heart and your mind in the process. And if you lose people along the way, well, that, too, can turn out to be a blessing. Just trust Him. It's not easy and I know I fail time and time again and probably will continue to do so. I'm glad I serve a loving God that understands my weaknesses and loves me in spite of them. Anger isn't a sin. God Himself got angry and I believe STILL gets angry. It's how we respond in our anger that sets us apart and I, regrettably, still struggle with that at times. But God and I are working on it!
Until next time, be blessed!
Friday, February 9, 2018
Unveiling....
I'm finally all moved in and situated for the most part! I am LOVING living here! It's just a simple little house but it's updated, clean, everything works and I'm just in my own little heaven right now!
I still need to organize my two storage sheds but that will have to wait until the weather is dry and much warmer! Also I cannot wait to take some hikes through the woods exploring and host some backyard shenanigans!!!!
Kayti seems pretty happy here, too, as does the dog and the cat. Especially the cat! She tries to escape to the outdoors every chance she gets and we've lost track of her a few times. She never tried to get out when we lived in Grayson Valley. I guess she's eager to explore to and I'd let her but I've already been warned about bobcats and coyotes nearby! I definitely don't want anything happening to our fur babies!
Anyway, here we are:
I still need to organize my two storage sheds but that will have to wait until the weather is dry and much warmer! Also I cannot wait to take some hikes through the woods exploring and host some backyard shenanigans!!!!
Kayti seems pretty happy here, too, as does the dog and the cat. Especially the cat! She tries to escape to the outdoors every chance she gets and we've lost track of her a few times. She never tried to get out when we lived in Grayson Valley. I guess she's eager to explore to and I'd let her but I've already been warned about bobcats and coyotes nearby! I definitely don't want anything happening to our fur babies!
Anyway, here we are:
My bedroom
Bathroom
Foyer
Hallway
Kayti's room and closet aka Lacy's room
Kitchen and bar
Laundry area
Living Room
I am wanting a fireplace to go in between the shelves.
Some of the decor may change. I wasn't exactly sure which direction I wanted to go so I just threw up everything until I could see what fit and that may take me awhile. I also have to finish my office/craft room which I am excited to have!
Can't wait to make memories here!
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Goodbye Grayson Valley!
I officially moved into my new place on Sunday! It was an ordeal! It was raining, I never got the confirmation email to tell me where to find the key for the Uhaul so were 30 minutes late getting the truck, two of my heavy lifters had to cancel last minute but my two sisters filled in but then everyone was late. We only had the truck rented from 10-2 so we had to bust it to get everything done. And then my guy and I had to go back the next day and pick up more things in the pickup. But it's done. I couldn't have done it without my family, my best friends and my guy! Especially my guy!!! I'm moved in and now to get everything organized and decorated--the fun part! 😀
Last night after work, I went to clean the townhouse. My sweet neighbor came over and was very sad. I'm trying to reassure her I didn't go far and that we would still be friends. But I know it's not the same as popping in and out. And that does make me sad.
As I was cleaning I also thought about how this was the FIRST place that was ever MINE--no parents, no husband and no roommates! Just me and my kiddos. Sometimes all three, sometimes just the girls and sometimes just one of the girls. I made it my own home and renovated and decorated it how I wanted. It has hosted some great parties, crazy friends and even crazier dates! It has seen happy times and sad times, cancer, knock-down dragouts and arrests! LOL. But it was always mine. And even though many didn't think of it as being located in the best part of town, I only had one incident there and that had nothing to do with location. It was quieter than I expected and I enjoyed being close to restaurants, shopping (even though shopping is not really my thing--I know, I'm not a normal woman!) and the interstate.
I'm a little sad to say goodbye but happy to be moving on to bigger and better things! Goodbye Grayson Valley and 5551 St. James Street! You've been great!
Last night after work, I went to clean the townhouse. My sweet neighbor came over and was very sad. I'm trying to reassure her I didn't go far and that we would still be friends. But I know it's not the same as popping in and out. And that does make me sad.
As I was cleaning I also thought about how this was the FIRST place that was ever MINE--no parents, no husband and no roommates! Just me and my kiddos. Sometimes all three, sometimes just the girls and sometimes just one of the girls. I made it my own home and renovated and decorated it how I wanted. It has hosted some great parties, crazy friends and even crazier dates! It has seen happy times and sad times, cancer, knock-down dragouts and arrests! LOL. But it was always mine. And even though many didn't think of it as being located in the best part of town, I only had one incident there and that had nothing to do with location. It was quieter than I expected and I enjoyed being close to restaurants, shopping (even though shopping is not really my thing--I know, I'm not a normal woman!) and the interstate.
I'm a little sad to say goodbye but happy to be moving on to bigger and better things! Goodbye Grayson Valley and 5551 St. James Street! You've been great!
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
More photos of the new place
My guy (I'll talk about him later 😉) and I moved several more items into my storage shed this past weekend. My landlords were there working on the house and I signed the lease and got the keys! I'm SO excited! I've needed this change for a long time. It's not the change or move I expected to be making but God knows best and I trust Him.
Even better, my landlords have gone above and beyond what I expected to make the place nice for me. He's put in a new dishwasher, pressured washed the driveway and sidewalk, replaced the back steps, redid the flooring in the kitchen and bathroom, replaced the bathtub and walls around it, and put in a new refrigerator. He also cleaned the carpet. It already looked like a cute little, well-kept place. Now it almost looks like a new home.
Three more days and I move in!
Even better, my landlords have gone above and beyond what I expected to make the place nice for me. He's put in a new dishwasher, pressured washed the driveway and sidewalk, replaced the back steps, redid the flooring in the kitchen and bathroom, replaced the bathtub and walls around it, and put in a new refrigerator. He also cleaned the carpet. It already looked like a cute little, well-kept place. Now it almost looks like a new home.
Three more days and I move in!
Foyer
Bathroom
This was an office. I am planning to use it for my craft room.
This is going to be Kayti's room.
Kayti's kick-ass, Carrie Bradshaw-style closet! I would take it but my bedroom furniture won't fit in that room. Sometimes you have to make choices. I need a bigger bed more than I need a bigger closet. 😕
Hallway
My bedroom
My closet. Even though it's not as good as the other one, it's still better than the one I have right now.
I did not get pictures of the living room, kitchen or laundry room as work was still being done in those rooms. Can't wait to get everything situated and decorated. Backyard shenanigans will soon be taking place!
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