I'm a C-word!

And the C word is "cancer patient".

Yes, I have cancer. Malignant Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma to be exact which is a rare form of cancer of the secretory glands, usually starting in the salivary glands which is where mine was. I'll start from the beginning:

I first noticed a lump under my ear January 2014 and saw a doctor. She said it was just swollen lymph node that sometimes they take awhile to go back down after you've been sick. I told her I hadn't been sick but she kinda blew it off and so I figured I was probably becoming a hypochondriac in my old age and so I didn't think anymore of it. 

But about six months later, it was still there and was starting to get bigger and hurt a little. Not all the time but sometimes. So I saw another doctor. Again, he said it was probably nothing and the fact that it hurt was actually a GOOD sign but he gave me some antibiotics. He did want to do an ultrasound but he didn't have an ultrasound machine (go figure) and sent me to another facility and because of that, the insurance I had at the time (because I was working a temp position) wanted a separate $200 copay! I just took the antibiotics. 

But several months later after I got a different job and better insurance, I started seeing Dr. Miller. She agreed that it was probably nothing but to put my mind at ease, she did an ultrasound in her office. Then she sent me to an ENT, Dr. Jebeles and he had it biopsied and did a CT scan. The biopsy results came back benign but he still recommended having it taken out because it would only get bigger and could ultimately disrupt facial nerves. So I saw a surgeon that specializes in otorlaryngology and had the surgery Thursday. 

While I was still in surgery, he found additional inflammation and sent all the tissue off to the lab for preliminary analysis and the lab people said it looked malignant to them. So he took some extra time and took out the lymph node and some additional surrounding tissue. He's pretty sure he got it all but I may still have to do radiation once the final pathology report comes back. 

I was initially upset. Shocked, I guess. But I'm fine. My neck is stiff from not being able to turn to the left much and there is still numbness. As the feeling returns little by little, the incision is itchy and stings a little. I have a little trouble swallowing and don't have much of a voice right now so please, if you need to contact me, text. I know I never much liked talking on the phone anyway but now I seriously can't, especially if you're hard of hearing because I just can't yell! lol

And it's not pretty!

Too bad it's not Halloween! The bandaid at the bottom is covering a hole where the drainage tube was. I was so glad to get that out! I'm told the other stitches will fall out on their own and once they do, the appearance won't be so jagged. Also my luscious locks will cover most of it as will makeup. Also the swelling will go down once the nerve heals and I regain the feeling. 

But as I was lying awake in the wee hours this morning, I thought about how incredibly blessed I am. I would've thought I'd be scared, angry or upset but I honestly don't feel any of those things. I'm surprisingly peaceful and the only explanation I have is that I know the One that died for me is in complete control and I am absolutely fine with whatever happens because regardless, I win!

If I'm healed on earth then I get to continue this crazy-amazing life of serving God by loving His people, spending time with my wonderful family and friends, learning new things and having new experiences. If my healing comes through heaven, then I get to see my Maw Maw again, friends that have gone on already and will get to meet Jesus face to face! I'm not just saying this because it's "the right" thing to say or because I want others to feel sorry for me, think I'm some brave person or even to comfort others. This is really my heart! I am a woman who has not lived anywhere close to a perfect life but has been blessed in countless ways that I just can't feel anything but pure joy! I just wanted to show how good God is! And to say listen to your body! Don't let doctors blow you off when you know something isn't right.  I thank everyone for your prayers and concern! I'm truly touched.

I know things are going to be different from now on. I'm going to have to accept that. But they don't have to be different in a bad way. For one thing, I'm not going to tolerate any negativity.  I'm so blessed that I plan to focus completely on those blessings--my children and family, the friends that have proven to be REAL friends that are concerned about something other than themselves all the time. I have a great church, a great job and a zest for life, learning and new experiences. My health has to stop taking a backseat to everything else and it's no longer about losing weight and trying to have a hot body. I just want a healthy body.  I'm going to keep serving the Lord by serving His people for as long as I have breath in my body. My goals may have to change from things like healing my knees so I can maybe one day attempt to get a zumba certificaiton or run a half marathon to things like, making sure I'm healthy enough to take care of grandbabies and still here to do so in the FAR FAR future! lol 

The focus will shift from achievement to legacy. I want people to know how much they mean to me--how much they've ALWAYS meant to me.  I want to be known for my heart, all the depths of it and nothing else. If I've ever wronged you, or even if I really haven't but you feel like I have, then I truly am sorry. If you've ever wronged me, or even if you didn't but I felt like you did, you're forgiven. 

I am ready for the journey!

My blog is appropriately titled!

Yes, I know. It's been awhile since I've made time to blog. Life has been super crazy busy--full of the good and bad, ups and downs that make it interesting. I'm not even sure where to begin.

I started a new job and it has been difficult for a number of reasons. It's a great company and I like my boss and coworkers. But the business we're in frustrates me. It's not like a normal business where you perform a service and get paid and everyone is happy. It's government regulated and on top of that the clients can be difficult. And as soon as I think I have it figured out, things change. I've learned a lot, that's for sure. It's definitely challenging and never boring. I have great benefits, finally make a decent salary and for the most part I'm happy. There are days when I wish I was back teaching preschoolers, doing crafts, fixing snacks and making bulletin boards. It all seems like a lifetime ago. And then I remind myself that that profession came with its own challenges as I imagine every job does. So I digress. I'm content for now, thankful to be employed.

Kayti has been in the hospital twice. She's okay and I'm not going to disclose what was wrong out of respect for her privacy but it's an ongoing issue and probably will be for quite sometime. There have been an array of other things involving her that we have had to deal with. She is back home living with me, looking for a job and planning to go to Jeff State in the Fall and become an EMT. On a happy note, she is going to church again and has renewed faith in God. We are praying continually for God's hand over her life. She's been coming to small group with me on Tuesday night (and btw, I have finished and delivered 3 prayer shawls, have 1 more to be delivered and am halfway through another. I also completed my first afghan!) and we also joined a hiking small group on Sunday afternoons. Most days it seems she's trying.

Brooke made colorguard again for her upcoming Senior year and we are very excited! Looking forward to another great football season with our Cougars. She also had the female lead in the Spring Musical. She was Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors and she blew everyone away! To see her walking in those 5 inch stilletto heels and speaking with the Brooklyn accent--it was great! And she has an amazing singing voice! It was an emotional night as their beloved theater professor, Mr. Mac retired. I know he will be dearly missed.  She also is starting a new job soon at the Cracker Barrel and I finally bought another car so she can drive the Mustang. But I made it clear it is still very much my car whenever I need some top-down therapy!

The car I bought is an SUV. It's not brand new but a decent vehicle and had everything I wanted--a sunroof, towing package and it's crimson! I can't wait for tailgating! I named it Steve to go with my mustang, Miranda! Steve and Miranda. If you have never watched Sex and the City you won't get it. One day I will have a camaro named Carrie and an RV named Big. :)

My parents finally moved out of Tarrant City and into a rental home in Clay right next door to Mia.  I think they had mixed feelings about leaving Tarrant behind as we all did but they seem to be settling in.

I finished another semester of graduate school and made two A's and B. I'm more proud of the B than the A's because the B was in Cost Accounting! I now have 5 classes left before I am an MBA (Master's of Business Administration). And yes, it's a BIG deal! I'm excited to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dylan is out of school for the summer but has a new job in Hueytown so he is staying in Tuscaloosa. He has one more semester at Alabama and he will be a Bama grad! I am so proud of him but I miss him so much. I know I may as well get used to it. My little boy is all grown up and gone on his own. I know I should be proud that I did my job well in raising such a wonderful young man but there will always be a part of me that longs to rock my babies again. I think he will probably end up moving to Huntsville for a job when he graduates. We'll see.

I'm contemplating buying a house again within the next year. I have fought it for so long because home ownership did not have any advantages for me before. Plus I just don't know where I want to be and hate the thought of being tied down to a piece of property. I have thought of moving to the beach many times. Or living on Southside. Or moving to a small town a little further north. But rent just keeps getting so expensive. And I like the thought of buying a lot of property so I can take care of my parents. I definitely like the thought of getting out of Jefferson County. But we'll see.

I continue to have issues with my knees which makes weight loss increasingly difficult. I saw the knee doctor again a few months ago but as usual, he just wants to cut cut cut. And I'd be willing if I knew that would fix things. But the problem, he says, is a collapsed MCL (ligament). He says there's nothing that can really be done except knee replacement. But in my research on knee replacement, the new knee depends on the ligaments around it for success. Well, that's the part that's messed up! What good is a new knee if the surrounding tissue is what's bad? Why can't they just fix that? He has not been able to explain it to my satisfaction. I'm getting a second opinion soon. I just can't accept that Noah Galloway can run marathons and compete in dance with one leg and they can't fix my stupid knee! I did get a brace  that helps me continue to power walk and ride the old lady bike at the gym. But I miss zumba! I REALLY miss zumba!

Before I can think about a second opinion on the knee, I have to have neck surgery! This bump on the side of my neck that I've complained to THREE doctors about who all told me it was "just a swollen lymph node" is actually a tumor! That's right, a tumor! The biopsy showed it's most likely benign but it still needs to come out and sooner rather than later because the bigger it gets--and it will get bigger, the specialist said--the greater the risk of nerve damage to my face when they do remove it.  So I go under the knife next week. It should be a relatively short recovery. I just hope it's not a big scar.

With all that's been going on in my life, my circle of friends has changed somewhat. I saw it coming. I still love them all dearly but I just had nothing left to give and it seem to be continually demanding. I went through a period when *I* needed someone to be there for me and apparently they had nothing left to give me either. No calls asking about my medical results or my daughter's well-being.  Jealousy for when I spend time with other people and assuming things without asking. I'll never know exactly what happened because I never got the courtesy of being asked. But like I said, I'm not really all that surprised. I'm a little hurt but not mad. I could never hate and I wish them all well. I truly do. Maybe our paths will cross again one day. Maybe not. I'm content to leave it in God's hands.

I've been feeling disconnected from many things lately and feel it's time to refocus and reprioritize. I've tried to give up Facebook before and it's difficult when so many things are connected to it now--small groups, contacts, etc. But it does suck your time. And I'm so weary of the drama. You say just about anything at all and people take it personally if they disagree, whether it's religion, politics (which I hate) or even sharing your own personal experiences--people take it as a personal attack on THEM. It's ludicrous. And I'm so sick of how brave but nasty people can be to each other when sitting behind a computer screen. I am just about ready to move on. I've never had anything to hide but it gets old when everyone thinks they know you just because they are your friend on facebook. Just silliness.  We'll see how that goes, too.