I've debated in my head whether or not to make the following thoughts private but I think I'm gonna just put it out there. I've never backed down from being honest and straightforward and I've always been proud of the fact that I'm pretty open-book about my life whether it's good or bad. So here goes. This is what's been going on with me this summer.
It started off great. Kayti graduated and we went to the beach as a family (except for Dylan). We all got along well and had a great time. And we all continued to do things together up until just after the 4th when we took the girls to Atlanta for Kayti's birthday.
I guess all that "family" time made me nostalgic for when we really were a family. So I brought up the subject again with my ex. He was adamant that we both need to move on. I'm not going to go into the gory details of our arguments or my hurt. And honestly, I am not sure I would really want another chance or that if given one it would even work. But the thought of shutting the door completely just broke my heart. It made me think about how incredibly stupid I was three years ago. And yes, I know that it was not all my fault and that things probably would have ended anyway, hindsight is 20/20 blah blah blah. I guess I'm just way too nostalgic for the past sometimes. Not all of it. But some of it. I miss the kids being little and while I am SO VERY PROUD of all three of them and excited for the way their lives are unfolding, I know that I made so many mistakes as a young mom. I so wish I could get a do over sometimes.
But there are no such things as do-overs in life. We make the choices we make and we have to live with the consequences. And at times it can be so hard. It seems that when I DO try and focus on the positive things, someone says or does something that makes me feel guilty for doing that. It's almost as if some people (and not always the same person and they may or may not mean to) want me to constantly be miserable because things are not the way they used to be or because things are messed up.
It's really hard to just be someone's friend when you used to be something else. Lord knows I have tried to move on in the past three years and have went about doing so the wrong way more often than not. So now I'm trying to go about it the right way.
Since my release last year, I have not drank much and not dated at all. I'm trying to start seeing men romantically again but I think I have become very comfortable being alone. Even when someone comes along that is worthy of the new standards I've set for myself, I just can't seem to see myself with anyone. So I am not sure what to do.
I guess I don't really have to have it all figured out. Just go with the flow. Except that's so not my nature.
I know one thing I need to do more of is pray. I have a confession to make. I'm a very lazy prayer. Don't get me wrong--I do pray. Daily. I just never feel like I pray enough. I want my prayer life to be so much more of an intimate time with God than it is. I want to pray FERVENT prayers and often, not just now and then. While I know that God knows my heart and knows the things that weigh heavily on it as well as my hopes, wishes and dreams I also know how much it blesses Him as my Heavenly Father to actually HEAR it from me. I think sometimes we as Christians get too comfortable with God's omniscience. I don't want to be that way. My friends, family and children NEED me to be a diligent prayer warrior. *I* need me to be a diligent prayer warrior.
I also have to give up control. This is hard for me to do not because I don't trust God to do what's best for me. But because I want Him to think that what I want IS best for me. I guess as a daughter of the One True King I am His spoiled little brat. He is so good to me that sometimes I take His blessings for granted. But I also believe that He does want to give me good things. No, it's not the "prosperity gospel" that everyone mocks. But we are His children. What Father doesn't want to give good things to His children so that everyone will know we are His?
I need to seek and find discernment so that I can separate what *I* want from what God truly wants for me.
I need to shut out the negativity coming from others, particularly my ex, when people try and convince me that I am unworthy or even evil. I know that I am not and so does God. And I don't have to prove anything to anyone but Him. Contrary to what some believe about being a good Christian, turning the other cheek does not mean being a pushover. I will hold others to their obligations and I rebuke the demon that says doing so means I'm less than anything but what God says I am.
So all that said, I do not know what the future will bring. I make plans and God laughs. But I'm still going to make my plans. That's how He created me. Right now, I am not planning on pursuing any romantic interests. I have had some interest. But for one thing, until the Holy Spirit leads otherwise, I don't think any are meant for me. They are good men. But no "zsa zsa zsu". And I can't fake it. For another thing, I really don't have time. Grad school as well as Fall Semester for Highlands small groups starts back soon. I'll be taking two classes in grad school and leading one small group. There are also serve opportunities I don't want to pass up, fitness goals to meet, work and oh yeah, the teenager at home and two at Bama. I like my life the way it is right now. I don't want anything to change just yet (except maybe make a little more money!)
Blessings to you and yours!
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