I'm not much for surprises unless they are good surprises. And even then I'd rather know in advance of the surprise so I can make sure I'm dressed appropriately, the house is clean, etc. which pretty much negates it being a surprise. But I'm all about the details to say the least! I used to consider that my strong point. That's debatable these days. And so not the point of this blog. So back up the rabbit trail...
Today I got a surprise I especially did not care for. I was reluctant to share this but I'm going to go ahead since I try to live my life as an open book and a testimony to others (albeit sometimes not necessarily a great example. But I am what I am--a sinner saved by grace!)
I have been back in corporate America for almost two years now. I started out doing some temp assignments as I tried to catch up on the trends and issues I missed during my years as a stay-at-home (somewhat) mom. I also wanted to hone my work habits, sharpen my skills, and just see what direction I wanted to go. I've been working at a long-term assignment for a year now and I like the people and the job is good steady work. I've also been pursuing my MBA and so I decided to test the waters and see what's out there.
I interviewed THREE TIMES for one position that I wasn't particularly excited about. Something just felt "off". I couldn't quite put a finger on it. But the interviews seem to go well and it was a field I am interested in. They made an offer but nothing close to what my experience/skills, etc. warrant and nowhere near what I had asked for.
Of course, I took it to the Lord in prayer and I couldn't really get a confirmation one way or another. My gut was telling me to decline or counter the offer so I decided that's what I would do. While I was trying to figure out the best way to do that, they called and rescinded the offer! The reason they gave was based on things 'they learned while checking references that they were not happy with'.
Talk about surprises--I was floored! What things? And who would say such? The ONLY reference that could have possibly said anything negative and not that he had any reason to but he can be moody from time to time, though I respect him a great deal is the same person that wrote my glowing recommendation for graduate school. So I wouldn't think it would be him. The others weren't contacted at all. So that narrows it down actually to the temporary assignment I had last summer when I was at the lowest point in my life.
For those that don't know the story, I'll make it brief. But I had had an extremely heated argument with my ex, said some things to him that I shouldn't have said and he called the cops to me. I know, kind of an overreaction on his part but nonetheless, the cop and I did not have a nice conversation either and to prove a point, he placed me under arrest. Now, I'm the first to admit--I was wrong in the way I handled the situation. But there shouldn't have been a situation to handle. Nonetheless, I was arrested and spent two nights in jail.
The charges were subsequently dismissed but it was a wake up call for me. I stopped drinking excessively, got back in church, went to counseling, got a new job, completed a LIFE group, started graduate school, have not dated for over a year now and have done nothing but work, go to school, church and take care of my kids. I even have a restored (though not reconciled) relationship with my ex. We are friendly co-advocates for our children. We have even been on vacation together!
I don't know anyone that has ever turned things around so completely and so quickly and yes, I'm quite proud of myself for doing that. But I give God all the glory. I could not have done ANY of it without His divine intervention in many areas and His peace, love, comfort and forgiveness through all of it.
It's my testimony but I have a difficult time sharing it with some people and certainly wouldn't think it appropriate to share in a job interview! Yet, some that were around to see me fall but not around to see me pick myself up feel obligated to share only the negative. What's a woman to do?
Well, in the past, I would have cried, screamed, cursed and put a hit out on a few people for revenge! But not anymore. I accepted it. There will always be people that will be so willing to believe the bad and not even ask for the full story. And the only thing I can do about that is pray for them. There will always be people with so much hate in their hearts that they would sabotage someone trying to improve themselves and their situation. And the only thing I can do about that is pray for them.
There will always be disappointments but really, the ONLY disappointing thing about this is the fact that there are those people out there. I completely trust the Lord in that this was not the job for me. I already knew that. This just confirmed it. While one might think I would've appreciated Him being more subtle about it, haha I do just love how He is always faithful to provide confirmation. And His method was actually perfect, too, because you see, I would have had no other way of finding out that this was happening. And while this came as a big, unwelcome surprise to me, none of it was a surprise to God. He doesn't like surprises anymore than I do and already has everything planned out and taken care of. I love that about Him!
So thank you, God! I know that You have something MUCH better lined up for me and I am so excited to see what it is. I am who You say I am. I can do what You say I can do. I can do all things through You who gives me strength. You prepare a table before me in front of my enemies. You work all things together for my good and NOTHING can separate me from You. I am more than a conqueror and I WILL be victorious. The evil one and his agents have NO POWER over me. Greater is He who is in me than He who is in the world. Ephesians 1:3-8; Romans 8:28; 37-39; Philippians 4:13; 1 Corinthians 15:57, 1 John 4:4; Psalm 23:5
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
An (almost) empty nest...
It's been three years since the day we moved Dylan into the dorms at the University of Alabama. That day was the cultivation of a lot of battle within myself of not wanting to let go of being a mom. And for three years, it never got any easier. He would come home to visit for weekends, long holidays, summer vacations and every time, he'd leave to drive back and every time I'd cry. He has grown into such an outstanding young man. He already works as an Engineer, is in his Senior year at Alabama, living in an apartment and completely self-sufficient. He can build anything, fix anything, do anything. He is so much wiser and smarter than I ever thought about being.
One would think after having experienced a child leaving home--my firstborn--that I would be used to it and it wouldn't phase me to have another one leave. One would be wrong.
This past weekend, after a somewhat tumultuous summer, the day finally came for us to move Kayti to Tuscaloosa as well. Though she is not living in the same apartment as Dylan, she does live in the same complex. The original plan was for them to share an apartment but that was not to be. Long story. But she finally got matched with three girls, one of whom I met and they all love cats! Good thing since she took Lacy (pants) McCarron Quick with her. Most freshmen are required to live on campus at Alabama but we received a housing waiver for her to live closer to Dylan because of some health issues she has. Another long story but she's okay, don't worry.
She had been packing and getting ready to move all week...
We even gave the cat a pedicure!
Actually, we just put soft paws on her claws so she couldn't scratch the furniture in the new apartment.
And finally came the day when we loaded up my car, her car and her dad's car and drove to T-town! We had been to Freshman Orientation the day before and she got registered for her classes, got her action card and everything.
We signed the lease, paid the first month's rent, picked up her keys and proceeded to unload things. We discovered that her sheets were the wrong size and that we'd forgotten about a few things so me, my mom (who came along to see where the kids live. She'd not gotten the chance to ever see where Dylan lived because of her hip problems for the last three years) and Brooke went to Target while Kayti, Dylan and Jeff finished the unpacking. She got everything situated the way she wanted it and seemed to be happy. We took some pictures and I hugged her goodbye.
It was Jeff's weekend so Brooke went back with him and me and my mom went to eat, something we rarely get to do and I was okay until I got home. I go upstairs to let the dog out and I see a picture on my pillow. I had looked at it last week and thought, "How did that get there?" but picked it up and just happened to see Kayti's handwriting on the back, "I love you. Roll Tide. Kayti 8-16-14"
Then I completely lost it. I cried and then slept for the next 15 hours!
I am so proud of my daughter. She has had to overcome a lot in the past few years and she still struggles. But she comes from good stock (not tooting my own horn here, speaking about my mom, Maw Maw, sisters, cousins--all the women in my family!)! She is strong, smart and determined and I know she's going to do well. And she has a mom that is praying for her every day (whether she believes or not, I do and I am claiming the promise of the seeds that were planted in her as a little girl!) and will be there for her always.
I have talked to her via text, still nagging, I mean reminding her of a few things. :) And she seems to be getting settled in. Not sure about Lacypants though. She hasn't gotten used to her new kitty friends yet.
I hope she gets used to them! But if not, she can always come home to G-mama! But her mommy would miss her, I'm sure. I know the dog misses her.
We are all getting used to our new routines and our new living arrangements. I remember longing for the days when there would be no sister squabbles and now it just seems so quiet. Until I realize Brooke is still here by her constant wanting to do something or go somewhere. I am thankful for that part of her personality now and will do my best to relish it over the next few years until it's time for her to leave the nest.
She is a Junior this year and is enjoying High School to the fullest. She is doing colorguard again and the first game is this Saturday at Hoover.
Hard to believe my BABY is old enough to drive my car and torture freshmen!
Time does indeed fly!
#bamasibs
One would think after having experienced a child leaving home--my firstborn--that I would be used to it and it wouldn't phase me to have another one leave. One would be wrong.
This past weekend, after a somewhat tumultuous summer, the day finally came for us to move Kayti to Tuscaloosa as well. Though she is not living in the same apartment as Dylan, she does live in the same complex. The original plan was for them to share an apartment but that was not to be. Long story. But she finally got matched with three girls, one of whom I met and they all love cats! Good thing since she took Lacy (pants) McCarron Quick with her. Most freshmen are required to live on campus at Alabama but we received a housing waiver for her to live closer to Dylan because of some health issues she has. Another long story but she's okay, don't worry.
She had been packing and getting ready to move all week...
We even gave the cat a pedicure!
Actually, we just put soft paws on her claws so she couldn't scratch the furniture in the new apartment.
And finally came the day when we loaded up my car, her car and her dad's car and drove to T-town! We had been to Freshman Orientation the day before and she got registered for her classes, got her action card and everything.
We signed the lease, paid the first month's rent, picked up her keys and proceeded to unload things. We discovered that her sheets were the wrong size and that we'd forgotten about a few things so me, my mom (who came along to see where the kids live. She'd not gotten the chance to ever see where Dylan lived because of her hip problems for the last three years) and Brooke went to Target while Kayti, Dylan and Jeff finished the unpacking. She got everything situated the way she wanted it and seemed to be happy. We took some pictures and I hugged her goodbye.
It was Jeff's weekend so Brooke went back with him and me and my mom went to eat, something we rarely get to do and I was okay until I got home. I go upstairs to let the dog out and I see a picture on my pillow. I had looked at it last week and thought, "How did that get there?" but picked it up and just happened to see Kayti's handwriting on the back, "I love you. Roll Tide. Kayti 8-16-14"
Then I completely lost it. I cried and then slept for the next 15 hours!
I am so proud of my daughter. She has had to overcome a lot in the past few years and she still struggles. But she comes from good stock (not tooting my own horn here, speaking about my mom, Maw Maw, sisters, cousins--all the women in my family!)! She is strong, smart and determined and I know she's going to do well. And she has a mom that is praying for her every day (whether she believes or not, I do and I am claiming the promise of the seeds that were planted in her as a little girl!) and will be there for her always.
I have talked to her via text, still nagging, I mean reminding her of a few things. :) And she seems to be getting settled in. Not sure about Lacypants though. She hasn't gotten used to her new kitty friends yet.
I hope she gets used to them! But if not, she can always come home to G-mama! But her mommy would miss her, I'm sure. I know the dog misses her.
We are all getting used to our new routines and our new living arrangements. I remember longing for the days when there would be no sister squabbles and now it just seems so quiet. Until I realize Brooke is still here by her constant wanting to do something or go somewhere. I am thankful for that part of her personality now and will do my best to relish it over the next few years until it's time for her to leave the nest.
She is a Junior this year and is enjoying High School to the fullest. She is doing colorguard again and the first game is this Saturday at Hoover.
Time does indeed fly!
#bamasibs
Monday, August 11, 2014
What I'm reading right now...
The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children by Stormie Omartian. I am preparing to lead a small group on this book. I'm really excited about it! Just because my children are grown/almost grown does not mean they need me to pray for them any less. In fact, they probably need it more!
Z, A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald by Therese Anne Fowler is a book I'm reading for a book club I just joined. I have not started it yet but it is supposedly based on the life of the wife of F. Scott Fitzgerald, author of, among other things, The Great Gatsby.
The more books I read, the longer my list of books to read gets! How is that?
Sunday, August 3, 2014
What's going on...
I've debated in my head whether or not to make the following thoughts private but I think I'm gonna just put it out there. I've never backed down from being honest and straightforward and I've always been proud of the fact that I'm pretty open-book about my life whether it's good or bad. So here goes. This is what's been going on with me this summer.
It started off great. Kayti graduated and we went to the beach as a family (except for Dylan). We all got along well and had a great time. And we all continued to do things together up until just after the 4th when we took the girls to Atlanta for Kayti's birthday.
I guess all that "family" time made me nostalgic for when we really were a family. So I brought up the subject again with my ex. He was adamant that we both need to move on. I'm not going to go into the gory details of our arguments or my hurt. And honestly, I am not sure I would really want another chance or that if given one it would even work. But the thought of shutting the door completely just broke my heart. It made me think about how incredibly stupid I was three years ago. And yes, I know that it was not all my fault and that things probably would have ended anyway, hindsight is 20/20 blah blah blah. I guess I'm just way too nostalgic for the past sometimes. Not all of it. But some of it. I miss the kids being little and while I am SO VERY PROUD of all three of them and excited for the way their lives are unfolding, I know that I made so many mistakes as a young mom. I so wish I could get a do over sometimes.
But there are no such things as do-overs in life. We make the choices we make and we have to live with the consequences. And at times it can be so hard. It seems that when I DO try and focus on the positive things, someone says or does something that makes me feel guilty for doing that. It's almost as if some people (and not always the same person and they may or may not mean to) want me to constantly be miserable because things are not the way they used to be or because things are messed up.
It's really hard to just be someone's friend when you used to be something else. Lord knows I have tried to move on in the past three years and have went about doing so the wrong way more often than not. So now I'm trying to go about it the right way.
Since my release last year, I have not drank much and not dated at all. I'm trying to start seeing men romantically again but I think I have become very comfortable being alone. Even when someone comes along that is worthy of the new standards I've set for myself, I just can't seem to see myself with anyone. So I am not sure what to do.
I guess I don't really have to have it all figured out. Just go with the flow. Except that's so not my nature.
I know one thing I need to do more of is pray. I have a confession to make. I'm a very lazy prayer. Don't get me wrong--I do pray. Daily. I just never feel like I pray enough. I want my prayer life to be so much more of an intimate time with God than it is. I want to pray FERVENT prayers and often, not just now and then. While I know that God knows my heart and knows the things that weigh heavily on it as well as my hopes, wishes and dreams I also know how much it blesses Him as my Heavenly Father to actually HEAR it from me. I think sometimes we as Christians get too comfortable with God's omniscience. I don't want to be that way. My friends, family and children NEED me to be a diligent prayer warrior. *I* need me to be a diligent prayer warrior.
I also have to give up control. This is hard for me to do not because I don't trust God to do what's best for me. But because I want Him to think that what I want IS best for me. I guess as a daughter of the One True King I am His spoiled little brat. He is so good to me that sometimes I take His blessings for granted. But I also believe that He does want to give me good things. No, it's not the "prosperity gospel" that everyone mocks. But we are His children. What Father doesn't want to give good things to His children so that everyone will know we are His?
I need to seek and find discernment so that I can separate what *I* want from what God truly wants for me.
I need to shut out the negativity coming from others, particularly my ex, when people try and convince me that I am unworthy or even evil. I know that I am not and so does God. And I don't have to prove anything to anyone but Him. Contrary to what some believe about being a good Christian, turning the other cheek does not mean being a pushover. I will hold others to their obligations and I rebuke the demon that says doing so means I'm less than anything but what God says I am.
So all that said, I do not know what the future will bring. I make plans and God laughs. But I'm still going to make my plans. That's how He created me. Right now, I am not planning on pursuing any romantic interests. I have had some interest. But for one thing, until the Holy Spirit leads otherwise, I don't think any are meant for me. They are good men. But no "zsa zsa zsu". And I can't fake it. For another thing, I really don't have time. Grad school as well as Fall Semester for Highlands small groups starts back soon. I'll be taking two classes in grad school and leading one small group. There are also serve opportunities I don't want to pass up, fitness goals to meet, work and oh yeah, the teenager at home and two at Bama. I like my life the way it is right now. I don't want anything to change just yet (except maybe make a little more money!)
Blessings to you and yours!
It started off great. Kayti graduated and we went to the beach as a family (except for Dylan). We all got along well and had a great time. And we all continued to do things together up until just after the 4th when we took the girls to Atlanta for Kayti's birthday.
I guess all that "family" time made me nostalgic for when we really were a family. So I brought up the subject again with my ex. He was adamant that we both need to move on. I'm not going to go into the gory details of our arguments or my hurt. And honestly, I am not sure I would really want another chance or that if given one it would even work. But the thought of shutting the door completely just broke my heart. It made me think about how incredibly stupid I was three years ago. And yes, I know that it was not all my fault and that things probably would have ended anyway, hindsight is 20/20 blah blah blah. I guess I'm just way too nostalgic for the past sometimes. Not all of it. But some of it. I miss the kids being little and while I am SO VERY PROUD of all three of them and excited for the way their lives are unfolding, I know that I made so many mistakes as a young mom. I so wish I could get a do over sometimes.
But there are no such things as do-overs in life. We make the choices we make and we have to live with the consequences. And at times it can be so hard. It seems that when I DO try and focus on the positive things, someone says or does something that makes me feel guilty for doing that. It's almost as if some people (and not always the same person and they may or may not mean to) want me to constantly be miserable because things are not the way they used to be or because things are messed up.
It's really hard to just be someone's friend when you used to be something else. Lord knows I have tried to move on in the past three years and have went about doing so the wrong way more often than not. So now I'm trying to go about it the right way.
Since my release last year, I have not drank much and not dated at all. I'm trying to start seeing men romantically again but I think I have become very comfortable being alone. Even when someone comes along that is worthy of the new standards I've set for myself, I just can't seem to see myself with anyone. So I am not sure what to do.
I guess I don't really have to have it all figured out. Just go with the flow. Except that's so not my nature.
I know one thing I need to do more of is pray. I have a confession to make. I'm a very lazy prayer. Don't get me wrong--I do pray. Daily. I just never feel like I pray enough. I want my prayer life to be so much more of an intimate time with God than it is. I want to pray FERVENT prayers and often, not just now and then. While I know that God knows my heart and knows the things that weigh heavily on it as well as my hopes, wishes and dreams I also know how much it blesses Him as my Heavenly Father to actually HEAR it from me. I think sometimes we as Christians get too comfortable with God's omniscience. I don't want to be that way. My friends, family and children NEED me to be a diligent prayer warrior. *I* need me to be a diligent prayer warrior.
I also have to give up control. This is hard for me to do not because I don't trust God to do what's best for me. But because I want Him to think that what I want IS best for me. I guess as a daughter of the One True King I am His spoiled little brat. He is so good to me that sometimes I take His blessings for granted. But I also believe that He does want to give me good things. No, it's not the "prosperity gospel" that everyone mocks. But we are His children. What Father doesn't want to give good things to His children so that everyone will know we are His?
I need to seek and find discernment so that I can separate what *I* want from what God truly wants for me.
I need to shut out the negativity coming from others, particularly my ex, when people try and convince me that I am unworthy or even evil. I know that I am not and so does God. And I don't have to prove anything to anyone but Him. Contrary to what some believe about being a good Christian, turning the other cheek does not mean being a pushover. I will hold others to their obligations and I rebuke the demon that says doing so means I'm less than anything but what God says I am.
So all that said, I do not know what the future will bring. I make plans and God laughs. But I'm still going to make my plans. That's how He created me. Right now, I am not planning on pursuing any romantic interests. I have had some interest. But for one thing, until the Holy Spirit leads otherwise, I don't think any are meant for me. They are good men. But no "zsa zsa zsu". And I can't fake it. For another thing, I really don't have time. Grad school as well as Fall Semester for Highlands small groups starts back soon. I'll be taking two classes in grad school and leading one small group. There are also serve opportunities I don't want to pass up, fitness goals to meet, work and oh yeah, the teenager at home and two at Bama. I like my life the way it is right now. I don't want anything to change just yet (except maybe make a little more money!)
Blessings to you and yours!
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