Christmas has come and gone. We made our annual pilgrimage to the Alabama Theatre to see my all-time favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life.
And for some reason, I can't upload pictures...I'll have to figure that out later. Or if you follow me on Facebook, you can see them there.
The ex went with us and we had a great time. We have been getting along really great lately and for that I am very thankful. But as Christmas Eve approached, he declined to come with us to my parents house citing it would be "weird". I'm not sure why, he's been there every Christmas for the past 25 years, including the three (until this year) since our split and now all of a sudden it's "uncomfortable". I asked if it was because he was afraid people would be mad at him for the events of this past summer and he said no. So I still don't understand. It hurt my feelings terribly and took me a few days to get over it.
I have also had to deal with the fact that my best friend, the VERY BEST friend I have EVER had, is moving to Florida. I understand why and I fully support her decision. But oh my gosh am I ever going to miss her. Yes, I know, we have texts, and emails, and facebook, and she will make trips here and I will make trips there but it still feels like she's leaving me.
All this, the ex not wanting to be around, the friend moving, I think (I still have to discuss it with the therapist and prayer partners), has brought up all my abandonment issues from childhood and so I've had a difficult week.
Nonetheless, it has not stolen my joy. I feel closer to God than ever and feel so very complete with what people on the outside might see as "empty" and/or "depressing".
In fact, I had a friend message me recently telling me that my not drinking alcohol and my recent status updates are depressing and that I'm not being true to myself. He even took jabs at my age trying to goad me into going out and behaving the way I used to. I have to remember he's young. And although he is usually very mature for his age,he is probably not very mature spiritually. I still love him as a human being and for the way he once made me feel good about myself.
But it's almost impossible for me to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it. I can tell everyone that I don't drink right now because I am waiting on a court date to pass and trying my best to stay out of trouble and I tend to do stupid stuff when I drink. Not just puke on my friends' shoes stupid stuff--REALLY stupid stuff. Life altering stupid stuff.
And I just don't have any desire to drink, fornicate (not that I don't have normal sexual desire but I have asked God to help me channel that into more useful things until He sees fit to unite me with another and until then, that's ALL it is--fornication and it blows my mind how those that claim to be Christian and extremely right-wing will turn around and behave in such a way. Yes, we all sin and fall short but we need to at least try not to be double minded or double living. Okay, off the soapbox now), cuss and raise hell the way I used to. God has placed a desire in my heart for GOOD things and that is what I'm seeking after. And believe me, it's way more fulfilling that all that stuff I used to do EVER was.
It's kinda weird because I held a part of myself back from God for so long because I was SO AFRAID of "not being normal". Or that's how I viewed it in my head. The truth is, I wanted to keep one foot in the world. God demands ALL of us. When I finally surrendered though, I realized I'm not giving up ANYTHING important and getting EVERYTHING. This world has NOTHING for me.
He is my one desire. I may slip and fall again. I'm quite certain I will. But it won't be because I'm not trying because I'm afraid of "missing out". And I'll never doubt that He wants the very best for me and always know that I'm not missing a thing!
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Reflections
As I reflect on the past few weeks, I realize I am so very blessed. I am proud that I stuck with my first semester of graduate school and survived it! I'm proud that I saw both Divorce Care and LIFE all the way through and I am so excited about what God is doing in my life at this very moment and for what He's going to do in the future. After this weekend's LIFE retreat, I am ready to receive all that He has for me and I realize the things that I will give up pale in comparison.
As of this writing, I am 148 days sober. I have a renewed commitment to Christ, have been at my job almost four months, am financially stable (although sometimes it still feels like "struggling" lol), have new goals, ambitions, dreams.
Most of all, and especially after this retreat, I have a clean and pure heart that is at peace.
I have forgiven and I mean TRULY forgiven those that have wronged me. From abusive ex-boyfriends, my abandoning biological father, those that hurt me when I was a child, vengeful and spiteful people, even former religious leaders that used their positions to hurt me spiritually, even though they probably didn't mean to--all forgiven. I have even released the anger I felt towards my ex and strangely, I feel thankful for what he did because it opened my eyes to so much.
I am even working daily--and that's probably something I'll have to do forever--on forgiving myself. I think a part of me will always long for the happy memories of the past and regret that I didn't realize how blessed I was. But I'm not going to miss out on current moments and blessings by staying there. I'm not closing the book but I am turning the page.
I have broken unholy and unhealthy soul ties that never should have been formed.
I've surrendered my pride, shame, mammon, heaviness, depression...
I'm ready to receive the best of my life for the rest of my life.
Looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. We have so many things coming up--Kayti's graduation and college, a dream vacation, a mission trip, serving God and others, growing closer as a family, and complete healing physically. We may even be moving and at the very least, redecorating! I am also believing God for full restoration in some my relationship with my ex. I don't yet know what that will look like--reconciliation or just being the best of friends and co-allies for our children. But we are already well on our way. And I'm completely committed to my choice to not date again until God fully reveals His plan to me.
I'm very thankful for the lessons of the past year. I'm now ready to apply them towards the new year!
As of this writing, I am 148 days sober. I have a renewed commitment to Christ, have been at my job almost four months, am financially stable (although sometimes it still feels like "struggling" lol), have new goals, ambitions, dreams.
Most of all, and especially after this retreat, I have a clean and pure heart that is at peace.
I have forgiven and I mean TRULY forgiven those that have wronged me. From abusive ex-boyfriends, my abandoning biological father, those that hurt me when I was a child, vengeful and spiteful people, even former religious leaders that used their positions to hurt me spiritually, even though they probably didn't mean to--all forgiven. I have even released the anger I felt towards my ex and strangely, I feel thankful for what he did because it opened my eyes to so much.
I am even working daily--and that's probably something I'll have to do forever--on forgiving myself. I think a part of me will always long for the happy memories of the past and regret that I didn't realize how blessed I was. But I'm not going to miss out on current moments and blessings by staying there. I'm not closing the book but I am turning the page.
I have broken unholy and unhealthy soul ties that never should have been formed.
I've surrendered my pride, shame, mammon, heaviness, depression...
I'm ready to receive the best of my life for the rest of my life.
Looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. We have so many things coming up--Kayti's graduation and college, a dream vacation, a mission trip, serving God and others, growing closer as a family, and complete healing physically. We may even be moving and at the very least, redecorating! I am also believing God for full restoration in some my relationship with my ex. I don't yet know what that will look like--reconciliation or just being the best of friends and co-allies for our children. But we are already well on our way. And I'm completely committed to my choice to not date again until God fully reveals His plan to me.
I'm very thankful for the lessons of the past year. I'm now ready to apply them towards the new year!
Monday, December 9, 2013
Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 30
Saturday, Iron Bowl day, I am still thankful to be a Crimson Tide fan. I am thankful that the trash talking no longer bothers me and that I no longer participate in it.
The University of Alabama means more to me than just football. It is the school of my children--1 now, 2 next year and Lord willing, the third in a few years. They love it and I am proud of everything about it.
Thinking about how much I do love watching football and my attitude towards it now, makes me realize how much I have changed in a few short months and continue to grow and change each day.
I've made some tough decisions and have managed to have the will power to stick to them. Not only just "sticking to them" but to actually embrace them as a learning experience and a spiritual journey. It hasn't been easy to go without alcohol or any of the other things I had gotten so used to. But it has brought me so much closer to the Lord and given me such a great new outlook on life.
And for that, I am VERY thankful!
The University of Alabama means more to me than just football. It is the school of my children--1 now, 2 next year and Lord willing, the third in a few years. They love it and I am proud of everything about it.
Thinking about how much I do love watching football and my attitude towards it now, makes me realize how much I have changed in a few short months and continue to grow and change each day.
I've made some tough decisions and have managed to have the will power to stick to them. Not only just "sticking to them" but to actually embrace them as a learning experience and a spiritual journey. It hasn't been easy to go without alcohol or any of the other things I had gotten so used to. But it has brought me so much closer to the Lord and given me such a great new outlook on life.
And for that, I am VERY thankful!
Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 29
Black Friday--I was thankful for my decision NOT to get out and shop in the mess! I enjoyed the peace and quiet and getting my house ready for Christmas!
I also cooked my son a belated birthday dinner of lasagna and chocolate cake and the kids decorated the tree!
I also cooked my son a belated birthday dinner of lasagna and chocolate cake and the kids decorated the tree!
Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 28
Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, I of course was thankful for all the things mentioned before--family, great friends, my relatively good health, my job, and of course my Savior!
I was blessed to go help out at the Dream Center that morning, have a wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner with family and then my son decided to stay the weekend instead of heading back to T-town like he'd originally planned.
We had watched a movie that evening and the girls had gone to spend the night with my sister to do some Black Friday shopping. He got up and left to go back and after I shut the door behind him, I went to the bathroom and cried.
Oh how I never get used to him leaving. It's still difficult to accept that he's a man and and all grown up and has other things to do besides hang out with mama.
But 20 minutes later, he was back at the door and had decided to stay! And no, it wasn't because I cried because he didn't see me! It was totally God's way of comforting a mama's heart. I made him breakfast the next day and he got my Christmas decorations down out of the attic for me. We didn't do much of anything but sit and talk and watch movies but it was still wonderful. And I am thankful!
I was blessed to go help out at the Dream Center that morning, have a wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner with family and then my son decided to stay the weekend instead of heading back to T-town like he'd originally planned.
We had watched a movie that evening and the girls had gone to spend the night with my sister to do some Black Friday shopping. He got up and left to go back and after I shut the door behind him, I went to the bathroom and cried.
Oh how I never get used to him leaving. It's still difficult to accept that he's a man and and all grown up and has other things to do besides hang out with mama.
But 20 minutes later, he was back at the door and had decided to stay! And no, it wasn't because I cried because he didn't see me! It was totally God's way of comforting a mama's heart. I made him breakfast the next day and he got my Christmas decorations down out of the attic for me. We didn't do much of anything but sit and talk and watch movies but it was still wonderful. And I am thankful!
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