I Declare

• Since my incarceration I have been in therapy, support groups and Bible studies as well as reading a lot of different things and soul searching to help myself deal with the root of what landed me there landed there in the first place. 

  
  

  I postponed dealing with my divorce for so long...

  
  

  I didn't mean to. It's just the way things happened. The last few years of my marriage were a struggle. And if I'm being completely honest, the entire marriage was a struggle in a lot of ways. It's not that we didn't love each other. It's not that either of us was a bad person. Of course we were flawed in many ways and incompatible in many ways. But we had a lot in common also and I think I can honestly say that we both really worked at our marriage for a long time.

  
  

  Trying to understand what went wrong is mind boggling. I think it can best be summed up as a series of unfortunate events. We got married too young. We didn't have Christ at the center of our marriage. I didn't understand that love is often a choice and not a feeling. He didn't understand my needs. I didn't pay enough attention to my body and mind to know that something chemically was not right with my thought process. My need for control outweighed my need to make sure my husband, the one I cared most about, the one who was supposed to be the most important person in my life, felt loved, secure, appreciated. Somewhere deep down inside, for whatever reasons I still don't quite understand, I was hurting terribly and instead of trying to figure out why and deal with my own pain, I just turned it back onto him. I emasculated him and expected him to keep taking it. And he did. And that made me lose respect for him. And that was totally unfair of me. But there was always more and more and more...

  
  

  I didn't know what to do. I think back on what I was thinking at that time and all I can remember feeling was that there had to be more. I guess I felt like the grass was greener somewhere else even though many a wise counsel told me the truth of the matter and that is that the grass is greener where you water it. 

  
  

  I just wanted to escape it and I did but in such a horrific way that I only wound up hurting others terribly and myself in the worst way possible.  And when that plan failed, I continued to just avoid dealing with my problems. I turned my attention to just having fun. And I did.

  
  

  I learned a lot during that time. But I still didn't learn the most important things. Or maybe I did but they just didn't sink in. I don't know that they ever will. But I do have to let myself FEEL the pain of my loss. As terrible as it is. As much as I want to avoid it, control it, turn it back on someone else, I just have to feel what I feel and find a way to move past it. A lot of people say that "time heals all wounds". That's crap. Time COVERS all wounds. The only thing that can HEAL wounds is Jesus Christ. But I have to let Him. And I will. And He will.

  
  

  In the meantime, I have to completely let go of what's past and focus on what's ahead. That is difficult because I DON'T KNOW what's ahead. It's scary. But I have to choose to look at it as a positive thing.

  
  

  I have been reading I Declare, by Joel Osteen and it's all about learning to speak words of power over your life. I used to thing that I was a horrible person for the thoughts that I had. I now know that thoughts aren't really bad or good. They are just thoughts. But when you SPEAK your thoughts and they become words and are out into the air, floating around, they take on a power of their own. It may be a weird concept to some but I do believe this. I see it all the time with others and have finally come to see it in myself. Whatever we speak becomes what rules us. 

  
  

  So I'm trying to develop the habit of speaking words of power into existence and over my life and the lives of my children.  Going forward, I declare that I have God's favor and blessing in my life and that the past, while full of many wonderful memories as well as some mistakes and bad things, is just the past. And it's not near as great as my future will be. 

  
  

  Here are just a few nuggets of truth and wisdom that I have heard and am trying to remember. Many are from Joel Osteen, some are from author, Mandy Hale, others from Bishop T.D. Jakes and still others unknown. But I hope you enjoy them as much as I have:

  
  

  I DECLARE there is an anointing of ease on my life. Good is going before me making crooked places straight. His yoke is easy and His burden light. I will not continually struggle. What used to be difficult will not be difficult anymore. God's favor and blessing on my life is lightening the load and taking the pressure off. This is my declaration.

  
  

  I believe and declare the rest of my life will be the best of my life! I receive it TODAY!!!! 

  
  

  If something is dead in your life, don't die with it!

  
  

  Don't spend your life looking in the rear view mirror! 

  
  

  God is asking us how long we will mourn for what we've lost. It stops Him from releasing His new blessings!

  
  

  What's in my future is greater than what's in my past! 

  
  

  God promises beauty for ashes but you first have to let go of the ashes! 

  
  

  Let go of your mistakes and failures. You can’t do anything about the past but you can do something about right now.

  
  

  There are no restrictions or rules. You have the freedom to design your life to look & be however you choose!

  
  

   You have to believe that God is in control. That means there is no need to be stressed out and worried.

  
  

  • You have the right to change your mind, then change it again..to go any direction you choose, for whatever reason you want.

    
    

    Go with the flow. Force nothing. Let it happen, or not happen...trusting that whichever way it foes, it's for the best.

    
    

    Knowing when to walk away is wisdom. Being able to is courage. Walking away with your head held high is dignity. ~Unknown

    
    

    You don't get angry with people you don't care about, you dismiss them!

    
    

    f you don't find a way to love a flawed person, secretly you're teaching yourself that you are not lovable because of your flaws.

    
    

    
    

    When you hold onto your history, you do it at the expense of your destiny; forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

    
    

    There is power in letting go of the past and releasing the frustration of trying to figure everything out.

    
    

    Be blessed!

    
    

    
    

    
    

    
    

Sunday Morning thoughts

I'm sitting here in bed watching a little TV and trying to muster up the energy and motivation to get up and start doing all the things I need to be doing when all I really want to do is sleep!

I slept a LOT yesterday. I had intended to go to Tuscaloosa and see Dylan but it was so rainy and my knees are hurting a lot lately, even more when it rains (I never believed that until it started happening to me!), I am cramping badly (even though I'm NOT currently having my cycle) and I had a terrible headache. On top of that, I paid almost $300 to fix my car window so I decided to stay home.

I am really tired and overwhelmed and feeling useless, inadequate as a mom, woman, employee, student...I can't focus on what I need to do or even what I WANT to do except sleep or lie around. And I can't keep getting away with that much longer. I honestly don't know how I'm functioning. I feel like a zombie most of the time.

I saw my therapist again Tuesday morning and she thinks that I may have ADD and Bipolar disorder! The ADD I can buy. But bipolar? No, I'll never accept that. From everything I've read about bipolar disorder and from everyone I know who has it, I'm NOT bipolar. Yes, I have mood swings. Yes, I get extremely angry sometimes and extremely depressed sometimes. But I'm hardly ever manic. And my moods don't vary often enough. I don't go from one extreme to the next in the span that most people with bipolar do. And I don't want the stigma attached to being someone with bipolar disorder. No, I will not have it.

But I long ago accepted that there is something chemically wrong with me that requires medication. I don't just get "sad about stuff". My body physically aches..to the point that I want to lie in bed all the time. Various medicines have worked in the past. But they all lose their effectiveness over time and my current medication of lexapro is NOT working. It makes me extremely tired (hello?) but if I don't take it, I am afraid of going back to the level of anger that landed me in jail a few months ago. It also doesn't keep me from crying. I cry all the time and mostly for no reason or for reasons that I supposedly dealt with a long time ago. It's absurd to me. And yet, I have to continue on this path until I see the actual doctor that can change that medicine October 17! Yes, another month to go. Meanwhile, I'm muddling through my life and missing a lot.

I have a lot to do to catch up for school today. My marketing grade sucks but it's not failing, at least. I can't focus on it and what used to be a reasonably simple subject is extremely confusing to me. But I have no choice but to stick it out and do the best I can.

So I guess I should stop complaining and get to it before I am too tired again to do anything but lie here!

Vindication!!

Well, sort of! God is truly amazing and so is my lawyer, Ezra Jordan of the Jordan Law Firm.

The day of my court date to say I was nervous as hell is the understatement of the year. Many friends assured me that everything would be fine and I had prayed and prayed enough for the faith to believe them. But there was a small part of me that was afraid to get my hopes up. Ezra had told me how badly I had pissed the cop off (well, it’s only fair, since he pissed ME off badly as well!) and that worst case scenario he did know of people who were sentenced to up to a year in jail for the same charges!  Still, I had the fact that I was 43 years old and had never been in any kind of trouble on my side. I had the fact that I was slightly intoxicated on my side (believe it or not, that was a plus even if also a contributory factor) and that I also had a witness (even if the cop had two that would likely be on his side). So I honestly didn’t know what to think or expect.

And of course the entire morning had to start out terribly! Traffic was horrible and I just knew I’d be late and get a failure to appear charge on top of everything else. Becky, the paralegal had called to let me know that Ezra had divorce court that morning and that if I were called before he got there to just tell them that he was on his way. For whatever reason, that calmed me. I guess it let me know that things weren’t as formal as I was expecting.

Informal, indeed. There was no “call to order”, swearing in or anything like you see on television. And it was VERY crowded, especially given the small size of the courtroom. When I arrived there was nowhere to sit and a few of us were left standing. That is when the bailiff made the announcement that anyone there not appearing personally before the judge was to leave and make room because there was no standing allowed in the courtroom. Hardly anyone moved at first until he informed them that he would call roll and anyone not supposed to be there would soon have a reason to be! Then about half the crowd move outside the courtroom. This made me more nervous because I knew Dede wouldn’t be able to sit next to me and hold my hand and I SO needed her to! But she stayed right outside the door so I could see her and somehow just knowing she was near made me calmer.

Then inmates were brought in and seated in a separate place from everyone else. And the Judge Ross came in and though no one told us to, we all stood as she took her seat on the bench. She was very beautiful and I got a sense from her, even though she never spoke to me or even looked in my direction, that everything was going to be okay. Maybe it was because Ezra had already told me that he knew her well and that she was very fair. I guess I just didn’t accept it until I saw her for myself. But little by little, God gave me small assurances (Dede being there, Judge Ross’ appearance, etc.) that everything would be fine and I started to relax a little.

They had a few bond hearings and the D.A.’s assistant called a few people to find out if they needed a public defender or had retained representation. Then I saw Ezra walk in and wave at me. He spoke briefly with the D.A. and then motioned for me to follow him outside but waited until we got downstairs and away from so many crowds before he told me the news:  I was to come back to court February 17 to appear before Judge Ross but the D.A. had agreed to accept 16 hours of community service and then dismiss both charges! I was elated! I expected to have to go to some anger management classes or something, which I was fully prepared to do. But community service? I already do four hours a month of that through Church of the Highlands just to serve the Lord! Easy, peasy! All I have to do in the meantime is keep my job, stay out of trouble and when the court date arrives, be humble! The cop may or may not show up. But if he does, I have to come in humbly and apologetic, not angry like “You da motha fucka that ruined my life!” (Ezra’s words, not mine! But you see why I love him?)

Now I KNOW God is truly in control and that no matter what He DOES want to prosper me, that He has great plans for me! I will NOT take it for granted. I will NOT waste this opportunity to make my life—and the lives of those around me—better than ever! And I’m already well on my way. I’m focusing on my kids, seeing a new therapist, reading a LOT (especially now that classes for graduate school have started) and involved myself in several projects (redecorating my townhouse—on a budget of course, crafting, writing a book, planning trips, and resuming my fitness regimen just to name a few) and I continue to pray and worship every day.

As of this writing, I am 43 days sober and will continue to be until at least my court date of February 17 and will not go on any romantic dates until after the New Year.

I am working on letting go of my anger about so many things. Sometimes I have to make the choice daily to forgive—my ex, the cop and especially myself. But I do know that to her who shows mercy, much mercy is shown. And I have been shown MUCH mercy!