So much thought...

I don't know why I haven't felt like writing much lately. I usually communicate my thoughts very well and it has always been my way of venting and analyzing myself even if no one else reads them. But since my divorce and subsequent abusive relationship, moving out on my own, going back to work full-time, etc., I guess I have either just been exhausted, wary of what I share now (since so much of what I shared has bitten me in the proverbial butt in the pas) or maybe there is just SO MUCH going through my head I don't even know where to begin anymore. Maybe it's a little of all of those (maybe it's a LOT of all of those).

So at the risk of sounding rambled and disorganized, at the risk of pissing people off that don't appreciate my blunt honesty or care about what I feel, I'm gonna just vent/journal a little bit.

I don't remember if I posted about my recent spat with my mom but we are currently not speaking. I love her very much and always will but I'm so tired of 1) arguing, believe it or not. 2) being made to feel worthless. I know she doesn't mean to make me feel that way and maybe I am giving her to much credit. I have always tried to put up a very strong front and I AM a strong woman, don't get me wrong, but my thick skin is not so thick these days. I don't know too many people that could have handled everything I went through in the past two years as well as I did and yes, I could've done better but still. And yes, I know that I brought much of it on myself, but I totally didn't expect the consequences or I never would have made the choices I did. Maybe I was naive not to expect disaster but nonetheless, there isn't a lot of this that I actually wanted. But I've learned to go with the flow, accept what I have to, do the best that I can and keep going. After all, what choice do I have?

I am my own worst critic, believe me but my mom...I don't know. Sometimes it just feels like she tries to take that position from me. What started it this time was I had been into a huge argument with Jeff and I needed a friendly face and a listening ear. I know better than to ask her to be that for me but hey, like I've admitted time and time again, I'm sometimes stubborn and stupid!

So I went to her house but she had company that stayed and stayed and stayed and stayed and so we never really got to talk. While I was there, I was playing with the babies--my two nephews and niece and we were teasing Coop about his parents being Auburn fans. I mentioned to the company that his dad was a "douchebag" for rooting for the wrong team. Everyone laughed (or so I thought) and took it for the joke I meant it to be. I refer to most men as "douchebags" and I don't really mean anything by it, it's just become my pet name for men, even when they behave themselves! I've told many a friend that all men are "douchebags" it's just that some are douche-ier than others! lol Just as most men refer to women as temperamental bitches, some worse than others. They would be right in 99% of cases. I can live with that.

At any rate, we went on home without a word about anything but the next day I get this text scolding me for what I had said in front of a two year-old about his daddy. The poor man works so much and misses so much and I should really watch what I say.

What the heck? Are you kidding me? First of all, we haven't talked much in a week, I drop by unexpectedly, we don't get to say much and the next day you don't ask how I am or anything about MY life but your first thought is for the tongue-in-cheek comment I made about a 28 year old man?

Seriously? I was blown away. Of course my feelings were hurt but then I don't know why I was surprised. Since my divorce, I can do nothing right in her eyes. Why should this be any different?

Second, I was kidding and everyone knew that. I hardly think a two year-old would know what I was talking about anyway even if he DID repeat it. I didn't make such a big deal when other family members who shall remain nameless were teaching MY children to say "I wipe my own ass!" because they thought it was such a cute movie line (and it was, but still!)

Third, is it really my responsibility to be sensitive because he misses things? They picked their careers, I didn't. When he was born, I tried to tell them they would regret missing these days and they should try to stay home with the kids more. They made and continue to make the same choices Jeff and I made when our kids were little. They don't want to give up their lifestyle and that's their choice. But don't try to make ME feel guilty about that!

Third, even though I was kidding, and even though he's a good man and is good to my sister, a big part of me thinks he is a douchebag. No, not because he's an Auburn fan (though that doesn't help! lol) but for his attitude towards me since my divorce.

I'm SO SORRY your hunting buddy is no longer a part of the family, dude. I'm sorry that I was human and made the same mistake a lot of people have made (including him) but I was still family. I didn't deserve the reaction I got from him or anyone else and a big part of me STILL resents that. It's my problem to work through, I realize that and I will. I just haven't yet.

Nonetheless, I did NOT/do not appreciate my mom's attitude and I'm sure she has her issues with me, too. I can't fix things for everyone. No matter what I do, I can't ever make up for the wrong I did, the hurt I caused everyone, the damage that is irreparable. No one grieves more than I do. It may not always look like it because I HAVE to move on, I have to find a way to cope and survive. But I promise no matter what, I'm always dying a little on the inside. Every day. EVERY day.

And that brings me to the second point of this blog...

I thought I had made peace with everything. I did what I did, I can't undo it. I've been to counseling. We still do things as a family. Jeff and I work VERY HARD to put our kids first in everything just as we always did. He never complains when I tell him they need something I can't get for them at that exact moment and he's even still there for me a lot of the time. I get way better than I deserve and for that I am VERY thankful. But it always leads me down the same thought path....

WHAT THE **** WAS I THINKING???? I try and joke it off a lot of the time--"I'm not into shoes but for the ladies that are, don't trade your Manolo Blahniks for a pair of thrift-store house shoes like I did!" And that's exactly what I did. No doubt about it.

Lately, if I don't keep busy EVERY moment of EVERY day, I can quickly become overwhelmed with grief and depression. I so want to take it all back and I can't. I now know that marriage isn't always all consuming passion, it takes work and even though I DID work at it for 21 years, when it needed me the most, I abandoned it. God had always protected and shielded me from temptation. There were other times that I thought it was inevitable that I would fail and God would always step in and block the path of destruction for me. Why not this time? Why did this time He choose to take a step back and let me fall on my butt?

I HAVE learned many valuable lessons that I couldn't have otherwise learned. I know now I can be alone. I'm even learning to enjoy it most of the time.

I know that I can make it on my own financially, even though it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I've learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side. In fact, it rarely is. It's only green where you water it. And yes, I was told that beforehand but it was just one of those things I had to find out for myself, God help me.

I've learned that there IS evil in the world and that it can cleverly disguise itself.

I've learned that the people you think will always be in your corner no matter what, aren't always.

I've learned that sometimes blessings come in peculiar packaging.

I've learned that when things get REALLY rough, you will find out who your friends are. Mr. Feenker (high school teacher) was right. When we get to the end of our lives (and I'm only in the middle!) we will find that we can count the number of TRUE friends on ONE hand and if we can use all the fingers on that hand, we are extremely lucky.

I've learned there are only two forms of truly unconditional love--God and my dog! Right now, I do feel like I love my kids unconditionally but I always thought I'd be able to say that about my mom's love for me, too. So who really knows. I'm praying on that one!

As for everything else...I'm still figuring it all out. I pray daily for discernment because it wasn't given to me as a natural gift and if I could have one thing in this world, that is what I'd want more than anything. I have faith. I know that God still loves me and I know that He has a plan for me. I want to believe that plan is bigger than even I ever imagined. I know that's what His Word says. I just don't know if I will see it anytime soon.