It has really been a great day! No, I didn't win the lottery. My house is still a mess and there are still things that need my attention.
But instead of my typical manic Monday, it's been a marvelous Monday instead! And I really needed it because yesterday was really pretty crappy! I had plans to lay by the pool all day and then grill out. But the pool I went to has a patio paved with red brick (wtf?) and I burned my feet. To cool them off I jumped in the pool and as soon as I got out I was stung by a wasp!
Now normally, I'm allergic to wasp stings. Not allergic in that I need an epi-pen or I die. But generally I swell terribly around the site of the sting and have a lot of bad side effects for the next several days. But I immediately started pumping benadryl into my body to try and head it all off and it apparently worked because this morning there was no swelling or itching at all.
But then there was the side effects of the benadry--it knocks me on my butt! I knew I would probably be very sleepy so I had called my co-teacher ahead of time and told her I may be late. I tried to line up a sub but to no avail. She actually texted me this morning and said we only had half our class so if I needed to just take off to go ahead. So I did. I had planned on doing some much needed chores and things around the house but instead, the bestie called!
We met at Logans for lunch and a nice order or shrimp and two cocktails later I was feeling fine! We went to the Y, which she recently joined, and swam some laps, I did some water exercises for my knees and just relaxed by the pool. She went in early because she had schedule a massage and I just relaxed in and out of the water. It was WONDERFUL!!!
I decided to go ahead and get started back walking because there are a few 5ks coming up that I want to do and after a little bit of time on the treadmill, my knees were feeling great! I have got to find a way to do some regular swimming and walking because it is apparently the only thing that relieves the pressure and pain, especially in the right one (don't ask me why that one is worse, I dont know).
Now I'm looking at an early bedtime. Not because I'm tired but because I want to reward my body with the rest it needs to stay healthy. Maybe a detoxifying bath before...I've already enjoyed a nice big glass of milk!
So nothing spectacular, just a nice day! Thank you, God!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Just a typical bitch-fest....
No, I'm not in a bad mood but once in a while, I need to get the things that irritate me off my chest so I can focus on more positive things.
Here is a list of things that have irritated me this week:
1) construction on I-65 North through Fultondale...granted I don't have to travel that way often but it wasn't even a year ago that I lived in Brookside and had to quite frequently. I went through there last night and o em gee...the cranes and equipment look like they haven't been moved since!!! The lanes are still all messed up and hard to navigate, no room to pull over if you needed to, it is just a MESS!!! C'mon already! Get 'r' done!!!! How long does it REALLY take to build a new interstate anyway? They threw the Pinnacle shopping center and Trussville High School up in less than half that time! Get it together already!
2) Jefferson County sewer bills...not only are they outrageous but why in today's technology are we STILL not able to pay them online???? Our government sucks!
3) Politics in general. Sick of people spewing crap about Obama and sick of hearing about Romney being a mormon. They BOTH suck. The only hope for this country is the return of Jesus Christ and with that I'll just add, come quickly, please!
4) Taylor Swift. Her new song sounds about as stupid as all her others. How did she get a record deal? She is such a talentless hack and not even that cute to look at...
5) Wedding/bride shows on tv. How many do we need, honestly?
6) People griping about gun control. You want to hunt? Fine, get a rifle or shotgun. You want to protect your family? Fine, get a revolver, 9 mm or some other kind of handgun. NO ONE NEEDS ASSAULT RIFLES!!!!! (except for the military) And yes, I know criminals do not follow laws, I'm not asking for more laws to be passed stopping them from purchasing these weapons of mass destruction (and yes they are!) Just gather them all up and destroy them, please.
7) Doctors that want to "see you" before they will authorize a refill for medicine they KNOW you need!
8) People I have to see every day because of where I work (not talking about my babies or their mamas)
9) Men and the stories they peddal to try and make themselves look better when they are really just huge douchebags!
10) Student loans. Enough said.
11) Disorganized people
12) Landlords that won't update their property
13) couponing...I just can't do it
14) losing weight...I just can't do that either, apparently.
15) needing more knee injections--getting old sucks!
16) people with more money than they know what to do with but STILL can't be happy or without drama!
17) people that CAN NOT DRIVE!!!
18) teachers that request supplies that as a teacher myself, I know they won't use!
19) hangnails! Especially when they become infected! Time to get my acrylics back on!
20) Hurricane Isaac!!! If this hurricane destroys my beach when I have two beach trips planned in the next two months I am NOT going to be a happy camper!
Okay, now back to your regularly scheduled progamming!
Here is a list of things that have irritated me this week:
1) construction on I-65 North through Fultondale...granted I don't have to travel that way often but it wasn't even a year ago that I lived in Brookside and had to quite frequently. I went through there last night and o em gee...the cranes and equipment look like they haven't been moved since!!! The lanes are still all messed up and hard to navigate, no room to pull over if you needed to, it is just a MESS!!! C'mon already! Get 'r' done!!!! How long does it REALLY take to build a new interstate anyway? They threw the Pinnacle shopping center and Trussville High School up in less than half that time! Get it together already!
2) Jefferson County sewer bills...not only are they outrageous but why in today's technology are we STILL not able to pay them online???? Our government sucks!
3) Politics in general. Sick of people spewing crap about Obama and sick of hearing about Romney being a mormon. They BOTH suck. The only hope for this country is the return of Jesus Christ and with that I'll just add, come quickly, please!
4) Taylor Swift. Her new song sounds about as stupid as all her others. How did she get a record deal? She is such a talentless hack and not even that cute to look at...
5) Wedding/bride shows on tv. How many do we need, honestly?
6) People griping about gun control. You want to hunt? Fine, get a rifle or shotgun. You want to protect your family? Fine, get a revolver, 9 mm or some other kind of handgun. NO ONE NEEDS ASSAULT RIFLES!!!!! (except for the military) And yes, I know criminals do not follow laws, I'm not asking for more laws to be passed stopping them from purchasing these weapons of mass destruction (and yes they are!) Just gather them all up and destroy them, please.
7) Doctors that want to "see you" before they will authorize a refill for medicine they KNOW you need!
8) People I have to see every day because of where I work (not talking about my babies or their mamas)
9) Men and the stories they peddal to try and make themselves look better when they are really just huge douchebags!
10) Student loans. Enough said.
11) Disorganized people
12) Landlords that won't update their property
13) couponing...I just can't do it
14) losing weight...I just can't do that either, apparently.
15) needing more knee injections--getting old sucks!
16) people with more money than they know what to do with but STILL can't be happy or without drama!
17) people that CAN NOT DRIVE!!!
18) teachers that request supplies that as a teacher myself, I know they won't use!
19) hangnails! Especially when they become infected! Time to get my acrylics back on!
20) Hurricane Isaac!!! If this hurricane destroys my beach when I have two beach trips planned in the next two months I am NOT going to be a happy camper!
Okay, now back to your regularly scheduled progamming!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Thankful Thursday
Today I can't think of anything greater to be thankful for than for my three amazing children.
You see, as I posted on Sunday, a friend with whom I used to go to church with recently adopted a little boy and a little girl from China. Both were special needs children but they courageously stepped forward to be the forever family for these two precious babies. They have only been home three weeks when sweet Joanna Chen Jones passed away from a blood infection. Her funeral was today.
Last night on Facebook, I learned that a sweet young man who has been battling a rare form of cancer since February also passed away.
I have two angel babies myself but I lost them both in utero and while those losses were devastating to me (especially the first) I can't wrap my human mind around how any parent copes with the loss of a child. A child that has been born, that you have bonded with, nursed, nurtured, loved and cared for...
My faith tells me that God is always in control, that He has a plan and is a a loving Father that knows what's best for His children--all of us--and that we just have to trust in Him, let Him comfort us through our grief and give us strengh, relying on His wisdom when our own fails.
But my mind...I just don't understand. I know one day I will but right now, I just can't. And my heart...my heart absolutely BREAKS for these parents. I don't know how they will get through it because I certainly don't know how I would.
When Brooke was born, I let my selfishness and love for material things allow me to make a very foolish decision to have my tubes tied so that I could have no more biological children. For many years, I regretted that decision and inquired several times to have the procedure reversed. It could have been done but I let people talk me out of it time and time again. Now, even though I can medically still bear children, it's probably not the most ideal situation. I am 42 years old and even though my health is good, the risks do go up. Not to mention I am already a single mom struggling to finish raising the two teenagers that still live at home with me.
But in the last year or so, I have gotten closer to being at peace with the decision I made years ago to say no to God's blessing of more biological children. When I was a teenager I never thought I'd have ANY kids "of my own". I always wanted to adopt many children of different nationalities so when friends of mine began their adoption processes I thought my turn would be just around the corner. But my ex-husband did not share my heart for orphans. I can't put the downfall of our marriage completely on that aspect but it did become a major source of contention between us. I am also now accepting the fact that I am obviously not called to adopt either but that my dream of more children is to be pursued through my chosen profession and by helping orphans through missions and other activities.
I feel I am also to focus on being thankful for the three precious children I DO have. Not that I couldn't love more and not to put other kids down but sometimes I look at them or think about them and think, "How oh how could I possibly improve on that?" lol
My son, my absolutely AWESOME son is the most incredible young man I have EVER met! He is super smart, very talented, well-adjusted, mature, responsible...he is well on his way to being an impressive young engineer and has such a bright future!
I know they still have a few years before I can count them as successes but my beautiful daughters are well on their way. They haven't been without their problems, mostly my fault because of the divorce and other things. But they are incredibly resilient and keep striving to do their best. I am so proud of them and so excited to see what the future holds for them
Yes, I am thankful for my three, precious, precious gifts from God and I pray every day that I don't take them for granted or God for granted for allowing me to be their mom!
You see, as I posted on Sunday, a friend with whom I used to go to church with recently adopted a little boy and a little girl from China. Both were special needs children but they courageously stepped forward to be the forever family for these two precious babies. They have only been home three weeks when sweet Joanna Chen Jones passed away from a blood infection. Her funeral was today.
Last night on Facebook, I learned that a sweet young man who has been battling a rare form of cancer since February also passed away.
I have two angel babies myself but I lost them both in utero and while those losses were devastating to me (especially the first) I can't wrap my human mind around how any parent copes with the loss of a child. A child that has been born, that you have bonded with, nursed, nurtured, loved and cared for...
My faith tells me that God is always in control, that He has a plan and is a a loving Father that knows what's best for His children--all of us--and that we just have to trust in Him, let Him comfort us through our grief and give us strengh, relying on His wisdom when our own fails.
But my mind...I just don't understand. I know one day I will but right now, I just can't. And my heart...my heart absolutely BREAKS for these parents. I don't know how they will get through it because I certainly don't know how I would.
When Brooke was born, I let my selfishness and love for material things allow me to make a very foolish decision to have my tubes tied so that I could have no more biological children. For many years, I regretted that decision and inquired several times to have the procedure reversed. It could have been done but I let people talk me out of it time and time again. Now, even though I can medically still bear children, it's probably not the most ideal situation. I am 42 years old and even though my health is good, the risks do go up. Not to mention I am already a single mom struggling to finish raising the two teenagers that still live at home with me.
But in the last year or so, I have gotten closer to being at peace with the decision I made years ago to say no to God's blessing of more biological children. When I was a teenager I never thought I'd have ANY kids "of my own". I always wanted to adopt many children of different nationalities so when friends of mine began their adoption processes I thought my turn would be just around the corner. But my ex-husband did not share my heart for orphans. I can't put the downfall of our marriage completely on that aspect but it did become a major source of contention between us. I am also now accepting the fact that I am obviously not called to adopt either but that my dream of more children is to be pursued through my chosen profession and by helping orphans through missions and other activities.
I feel I am also to focus on being thankful for the three precious children I DO have. Not that I couldn't love more and not to put other kids down but sometimes I look at them or think about them and think, "How oh how could I possibly improve on that?" lol
My son, my absolutely AWESOME son is the most incredible young man I have EVER met! He is super smart, very talented, well-adjusted, mature, responsible...he is well on his way to being an impressive young engineer and has such a bright future!
I know they still have a few years before I can count them as successes but my beautiful daughters are well on their way. They haven't been without their problems, mostly my fault because of the divorce and other things. But they are incredibly resilient and keep striving to do their best. I am so proud of them and so excited to see what the future holds for them
Yes, I am thankful for my three, precious, precious gifts from God and I pray every day that I don't take them for granted or God for granted for allowing me to be their mom!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
(Bitter) Sweet Sunday...
Woke up with every intention of having a positive attitude today...
"I'm going to be in a good mood (after my coffee, of course!)"
"I am going to be productive (Lord knows there is a lot that needs producing around here!)"
"I will NOT cry today (I think I cried enough yesterday!)"
But then I log onto facebook to check messages and find out that a dear friend's child passed away early this morning...
Nothing like THAT kind of reality check. It really makes you put your own problems in perspective when you find out some tragic news. I feel SO guilty for sitting here crying over stuff that happened a year ago that I can't do anything about when a sweet, sweet person is REALLY grieving.
Dear Lord, this precious precious child. A wonderful family...loving mother and father. Sweet children. They JUST adopted this little girl barely two months ago. I know there are no answers to this question that we really aren't even supposed to ask but...
WHY?
I've been a believer long enough to have studied His Word and know that we will not have all the answers this side of Heaven. We simply have to trust that God is a loving Father and knows what's best. Maybe her sweet little body just couldn't handle all the pain and everything she was destined to have and so He in His infinite mercy spared her. We know she's with Him now...no pain, no sickness, no tears. And even though it should be, Lord forgive me, it's hardly comforting.
I cannot imagine what Cindy and George are feeling right now. I can't even let my mind go there when I try to empathize. All I can do is pray and try to dig deep and think of the blessings that are always there.
What a blessing it was for that child to have a forever family even if the majority of the forever will be in Heaven.
What a blessing it was for that child to get rescued from a situation in another country that the outcome was known. At least she got a chance here.
What a blessing it must have been for this wonderful family to be able to lavish love on her even if for such a short time.
What a blessing it is to know where this child's soul is and to know that they will see her again someday.
And I know there are more blessings that I in my limited human mind cannot verbalize.
It's so hard to comprehend the death of a child. I'm reminded of nearly two year ago when my friend, Mary lost her sweet Brandon suddenly to an accident. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him still and wonder what he would be like now if he had lived.
I remember them playing this song at his funeral...
I can't really add any words to that except that I love you, Cindy and George and will keep you in my prayers!
Their blog is HERE
"I'm going to be in a good mood (after my coffee, of course!)"
"I am going to be productive (Lord knows there is a lot that needs producing around here!)"
"I will NOT cry today (I think I cried enough yesterday!)"
But then I log onto facebook to check messages and find out that a dear friend's child passed away early this morning...
Nothing like THAT kind of reality check. It really makes you put your own problems in perspective when you find out some tragic news. I feel SO guilty for sitting here crying over stuff that happened a year ago that I can't do anything about when a sweet, sweet person is REALLY grieving.
Dear Lord, this precious precious child. A wonderful family...loving mother and father. Sweet children. They JUST adopted this little girl barely two months ago. I know there are no answers to this question that we really aren't even supposed to ask but...
WHY?
I've been a believer long enough to have studied His Word and know that we will not have all the answers this side of Heaven. We simply have to trust that God is a loving Father and knows what's best. Maybe her sweet little body just couldn't handle all the pain and everything she was destined to have and so He in His infinite mercy spared her. We know she's with Him now...no pain, no sickness, no tears. And even though it should be, Lord forgive me, it's hardly comforting.
I cannot imagine what Cindy and George are feeling right now. I can't even let my mind go there when I try to empathize. All I can do is pray and try to dig deep and think of the blessings that are always there.
What a blessing it was for that child to have a forever family even if the majority of the forever will be in Heaven.
What a blessing it was for that child to get rescued from a situation in another country that the outcome was known. At least she got a chance here.
What a blessing it must have been for this wonderful family to be able to lavish love on her even if for such a short time.
What a blessing it is to know where this child's soul is and to know that they will see her again someday.
And I know there are more blessings that I in my limited human mind cannot verbalize.
It's so hard to comprehend the death of a child. I'm reminded of nearly two year ago when my friend, Mary lost her sweet Brandon suddenly to an accident. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him still and wonder what he would be like now if he had lived.
I remember them playing this song at his funeral...
I can't really add any words to that except that I love you, Cindy and George and will keep you in my prayers!
Their blog is HERE
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Thankful Thursday
We have been busy this week getting ready for Fall!
Monday, we moved Dylan back to Tuscaloosa and into his new apartment. He loves it! I love it! His sisters love it! I am SO thankful for such an amazing son! He has worked all summer and has paid off his car, saved money, bought things for his new apartment...oh gravy how I wish I had his money management skills and discipline! He interviewed for a job Tuesday and even though it's "not official" yet, he's pretty sure he's got it. I'm also thankful that he has three AWESOME roommates! Two he went to high school with and one they were just blessed with by chance. They had such a good time last year and got along so well that they are continuing to be roommates this year. One less thing for a mama to worry about! I just love these three kids. They are my life!
Tuesday, the girls got their braces!
Brooke has been REALLY sore and Kayti has already popped a bracket off but I digress...I am thankful that we found an orthodontist willing to make payment arrangements. The girls are thankful for clear brackets and I am thankful, too, for my ex husband who is not only willing to pay for one of the girls braces (I pay for the other) but he even let me have the discount and made the initial payment for me since I'm still scraping by...here's praying God will help me figure something out!
Then we registered both girls for high school at Clay-Chakville. I don't have any pictures of that and honestly, there's not much to be thankful for there after spending THREE HOURS in line!! Okay, if I must, I will again say I'm thankful for Jeff because he covered all their fees. I agreed to pay for the yearbooks when it's time.
I am thankful we got to eat at Hungry Howies Monday--LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I am thankful I ONLY spent 90 minutes in line at the courthouse getting my address changed on my license. I am thankful we got to go to Gigi's cupcakes and I am VERY thankful for their Merry Margarita cupcakes!
So much thought...
I don't know why I haven't felt like writing much lately. I usually communicate my thoughts very well and it has always been my way of venting and analyzing myself even if no one else reads them. But since my divorce and subsequent abusive relationship, moving out on my own, going back to work full-time, etc., I guess I have either just been exhausted, wary of what I share now (since so much of what I shared has bitten me in the proverbial butt in the pas) or maybe there is just SO MUCH going through my head I don't even know where to begin anymore. Maybe it's a little of all of those (maybe it's a LOT of all of those).
So at the risk of sounding rambled and disorganized, at the risk of pissing people off that don't appreciate my blunt honesty or care about what I feel, I'm gonna just vent/journal a little bit.
I don't remember if I posted about my recent spat with my mom but we are currently not speaking. I love her very much and always will but I'm so tired of 1) arguing, believe it or not. 2) being made to feel worthless. I know she doesn't mean to make me feel that way and maybe I am giving her to much credit. I have always tried to put up a very strong front and I AM a strong woman, don't get me wrong, but my thick skin is not so thick these days. I don't know too many people that could have handled everything I went through in the past two years as well as I did and yes, I could've done better but still. And yes, I know that I brought much of it on myself, but I totally didn't expect the consequences or I never would have made the choices I did. Maybe I was naive not to expect disaster but nonetheless, there isn't a lot of this that I actually wanted. But I've learned to go with the flow, accept what I have to, do the best that I can and keep going. After all, what choice do I have?
I am my own worst critic, believe me but my mom...I don't know. Sometimes it just feels like she tries to take that position from me. What started it this time was I had been into a huge argument with Jeff and I needed a friendly face and a listening ear. I know better than to ask her to be that for me but hey, like I've admitted time and time again, I'm sometimes stubborn and stupid!
So I went to her house but she had company that stayed and stayed and stayed and stayed and so we never really got to talk. While I was there, I was playing with the babies--my two nephews and niece and we were teasing Coop about his parents being Auburn fans. I mentioned to the company that his dad was a "douchebag" for rooting for the wrong team. Everyone laughed (or so I thought) and took it for the joke I meant it to be. I refer to most men as "douchebags" and I don't really mean anything by it, it's just become my pet name for men, even when they behave themselves! I've told many a friend that all men are "douchebags" it's just that some are douche-ier than others! lol Just as most men refer to women as temperamental bitches, some worse than others. They would be right in 99% of cases. I can live with that.
At any rate, we went on home without a word about anything but the next day I get this text scolding me for what I had said in front of a two year-old about his daddy. The poor man works so much and misses so much and I should really watch what I say.
What the heck? Are you kidding me? First of all, we haven't talked much in a week, I drop by unexpectedly, we don't get to say much and the next day you don't ask how I am or anything about MY life but your first thought is for the tongue-in-cheek comment I made about a 28 year old man?
Seriously? I was blown away. Of course my feelings were hurt but then I don't know why I was surprised. Since my divorce, I can do nothing right in her eyes. Why should this be any different?
Second, I was kidding and everyone knew that. I hardly think a two year-old would know what I was talking about anyway even if he DID repeat it. I didn't make such a big deal when other family members who shall remain nameless were teaching MY children to say "I wipe my own ass!" because they thought it was such a cute movie line (and it was, but still!)
Third, is it really my responsibility to be sensitive because he misses things? They picked their careers, I didn't. When he was born, I tried to tell them they would regret missing these days and they should try to stay home with the kids more. They made and continue to make the same choices Jeff and I made when our kids were little. They don't want to give up their lifestyle and that's their choice. But don't try to make ME feel guilty about that!
Third, even though I was kidding, and even though he's a good man and is good to my sister, a big part of me thinks he is a douchebag. No, not because he's an Auburn fan (though that doesn't help! lol) but for his attitude towards me since my divorce.
I'm SO SORRY your hunting buddy is no longer a part of the family, dude. I'm sorry that I was human and made the same mistake a lot of people have made (including him) but I was still family. I didn't deserve the reaction I got from him or anyone else and a big part of me STILL resents that. It's my problem to work through, I realize that and I will. I just haven't yet.
Nonetheless, I did NOT/do not appreciate my mom's attitude and I'm sure she has her issues with me, too. I can't fix things for everyone. No matter what I do, I can't ever make up for the wrong I did, the hurt I caused everyone, the damage that is irreparable. No one grieves more than I do. It may not always look like it because I HAVE to move on, I have to find a way to cope and survive. But I promise no matter what, I'm always dying a little on the inside. Every day. EVERY day.
And that brings me to the second point of this blog...
I thought I had made peace with everything. I did what I did, I can't undo it. I've been to counseling. We still do things as a family. Jeff and I work VERY HARD to put our kids first in everything just as we always did. He never complains when I tell him they need something I can't get for them at that exact moment and he's even still there for me a lot of the time. I get way better than I deserve and for that I am VERY thankful. But it always leads me down the same thought path....
WHAT THE **** WAS I THINKING???? I try and joke it off a lot of the time--"I'm not into shoes but for the ladies that are, don't trade your Manolo Blahniks for a pair of thrift-store house shoes like I did!" And that's exactly what I did. No doubt about it.
Lately, if I don't keep busy EVERY moment of EVERY day, I can quickly become overwhelmed with grief and depression. I so want to take it all back and I can't. I now know that marriage isn't always all consuming passion, it takes work and even though I DID work at it for 21 years, when it needed me the most, I abandoned it. God had always protected and shielded me from temptation. There were other times that I thought it was inevitable that I would fail and God would always step in and block the path of destruction for me. Why not this time? Why did this time He choose to take a step back and let me fall on my butt?
I HAVE learned many valuable lessons that I couldn't have otherwise learned. I know now I can be alone. I'm even learning to enjoy it most of the time.
I know that I can make it on my own financially, even though it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.
I've learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side. In fact, it rarely is. It's only green where you water it. And yes, I was told that beforehand but it was just one of those things I had to find out for myself, God help me.
I've learned that there IS evil in the world and that it can cleverly disguise itself.
I've learned that the people you think will always be in your corner no matter what, aren't always.
I've learned that sometimes blessings come in peculiar packaging.
I've learned that when things get REALLY rough, you will find out who your friends are. Mr. Feenker (high school teacher) was right. When we get to the end of our lives (and I'm only in the middle!) we will find that we can count the number of TRUE friends on ONE hand and if we can use all the fingers on that hand, we are extremely lucky.
I've learned there are only two forms of truly unconditional love--God and my dog! Right now, I do feel like I love my kids unconditionally but I always thought I'd be able to say that about my mom's love for me, too. So who really knows. I'm praying on that one!
As for everything else...I'm still figuring it all out. I pray daily for discernment because it wasn't given to me as a natural gift and if I could have one thing in this world, that is what I'd want more than anything. I have faith. I know that God still loves me and I know that He has a plan for me. I want to believe that plan is bigger than even I ever imagined. I know that's what His Word says. I just don't know if I will see it anytime soon.
So at the risk of sounding rambled and disorganized, at the risk of pissing people off that don't appreciate my blunt honesty or care about what I feel, I'm gonna just vent/journal a little bit.
I don't remember if I posted about my recent spat with my mom but we are currently not speaking. I love her very much and always will but I'm so tired of 1) arguing, believe it or not. 2) being made to feel worthless. I know she doesn't mean to make me feel that way and maybe I am giving her to much credit. I have always tried to put up a very strong front and I AM a strong woman, don't get me wrong, but my thick skin is not so thick these days. I don't know too many people that could have handled everything I went through in the past two years as well as I did and yes, I could've done better but still. And yes, I know that I brought much of it on myself, but I totally didn't expect the consequences or I never would have made the choices I did. Maybe I was naive not to expect disaster but nonetheless, there isn't a lot of this that I actually wanted. But I've learned to go with the flow, accept what I have to, do the best that I can and keep going. After all, what choice do I have?
I am my own worst critic, believe me but my mom...I don't know. Sometimes it just feels like she tries to take that position from me. What started it this time was I had been into a huge argument with Jeff and I needed a friendly face and a listening ear. I know better than to ask her to be that for me but hey, like I've admitted time and time again, I'm sometimes stubborn and stupid!
So I went to her house but she had company that stayed and stayed and stayed and stayed and so we never really got to talk. While I was there, I was playing with the babies--my two nephews and niece and we were teasing Coop about his parents being Auburn fans. I mentioned to the company that his dad was a "douchebag" for rooting for the wrong team. Everyone laughed (or so I thought) and took it for the joke I meant it to be. I refer to most men as "douchebags" and I don't really mean anything by it, it's just become my pet name for men, even when they behave themselves! I've told many a friend that all men are "douchebags" it's just that some are douche-ier than others! lol Just as most men refer to women as temperamental bitches, some worse than others. They would be right in 99% of cases. I can live with that.
At any rate, we went on home without a word about anything but the next day I get this text scolding me for what I had said in front of a two year-old about his daddy. The poor man works so much and misses so much and I should really watch what I say.
What the heck? Are you kidding me? First of all, we haven't talked much in a week, I drop by unexpectedly, we don't get to say much and the next day you don't ask how I am or anything about MY life but your first thought is for the tongue-in-cheek comment I made about a 28 year old man?
Seriously? I was blown away. Of course my feelings were hurt but then I don't know why I was surprised. Since my divorce, I can do nothing right in her eyes. Why should this be any different?
Second, I was kidding and everyone knew that. I hardly think a two year-old would know what I was talking about anyway even if he DID repeat it. I didn't make such a big deal when other family members who shall remain nameless were teaching MY children to say "I wipe my own ass!" because they thought it was such a cute movie line (and it was, but still!)
Third, is it really my responsibility to be sensitive because he misses things? They picked their careers, I didn't. When he was born, I tried to tell them they would regret missing these days and they should try to stay home with the kids more. They made and continue to make the same choices Jeff and I made when our kids were little. They don't want to give up their lifestyle and that's their choice. But don't try to make ME feel guilty about that!
Third, even though I was kidding, and even though he's a good man and is good to my sister, a big part of me thinks he is a douchebag. No, not because he's an Auburn fan (though that doesn't help! lol) but for his attitude towards me since my divorce.
I'm SO SORRY your hunting buddy is no longer a part of the family, dude. I'm sorry that I was human and made the same mistake a lot of people have made (including him) but I was still family. I didn't deserve the reaction I got from him or anyone else and a big part of me STILL resents that. It's my problem to work through, I realize that and I will. I just haven't yet.
Nonetheless, I did NOT/do not appreciate my mom's attitude and I'm sure she has her issues with me, too. I can't fix things for everyone. No matter what I do, I can't ever make up for the wrong I did, the hurt I caused everyone, the damage that is irreparable. No one grieves more than I do. It may not always look like it because I HAVE to move on, I have to find a way to cope and survive. But I promise no matter what, I'm always dying a little on the inside. Every day. EVERY day.
And that brings me to the second point of this blog...
I thought I had made peace with everything. I did what I did, I can't undo it. I've been to counseling. We still do things as a family. Jeff and I work VERY HARD to put our kids first in everything just as we always did. He never complains when I tell him they need something I can't get for them at that exact moment and he's even still there for me a lot of the time. I get way better than I deserve and for that I am VERY thankful. But it always leads me down the same thought path....
WHAT THE **** WAS I THINKING???? I try and joke it off a lot of the time--"I'm not into shoes but for the ladies that are, don't trade your Manolo Blahniks for a pair of thrift-store house shoes like I did!" And that's exactly what I did. No doubt about it.
Lately, if I don't keep busy EVERY moment of EVERY day, I can quickly become overwhelmed with grief and depression. I so want to take it all back and I can't. I now know that marriage isn't always all consuming passion, it takes work and even though I DID work at it for 21 years, when it needed me the most, I abandoned it. God had always protected and shielded me from temptation. There were other times that I thought it was inevitable that I would fail and God would always step in and block the path of destruction for me. Why not this time? Why did this time He choose to take a step back and let me fall on my butt?
I HAVE learned many valuable lessons that I couldn't have otherwise learned. I know now I can be alone. I'm even learning to enjoy it most of the time.
I know that I can make it on my own financially, even though it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.
I've learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side. In fact, it rarely is. It's only green where you water it. And yes, I was told that beforehand but it was just one of those things I had to find out for myself, God help me.
I've learned that there IS evil in the world and that it can cleverly disguise itself.
I've learned that the people you think will always be in your corner no matter what, aren't always.
I've learned that sometimes blessings come in peculiar packaging.
I've learned that when things get REALLY rough, you will find out who your friends are. Mr. Feenker (high school teacher) was right. When we get to the end of our lives (and I'm only in the middle!) we will find that we can count the number of TRUE friends on ONE hand and if we can use all the fingers on that hand, we are extremely lucky.
I've learned there are only two forms of truly unconditional love--God and my dog! Right now, I do feel like I love my kids unconditionally but I always thought I'd be able to say that about my mom's love for me, too. So who really knows. I'm praying on that one!
As for everything else...I'm still figuring it all out. I pray daily for discernment because it wasn't given to me as a natural gift and if I could have one thing in this world, that is what I'd want more than anything. I have faith. I know that God still loves me and I know that He has a plan for me. I want to believe that plan is bigger than even I ever imagined. I know that's what His Word says. I just don't know if I will see it anytime soon.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Finally...the beach!!!!
Thanks to my wonderful co-worker, Lara, he girls and I were able to take a little mini-vacation and go to the beach last week!!! The girls got to go with their dad a few months ago but I think it's been six years since I've been to ANY beach and even longer since Panama City.
Panama City will always hold a special place in my heart. I grew up spending countless summer days there. No matter how little money my parents had or what else was going on, we ALWAYS managed to get away for at least one or two weekends during the summer. I had the entire Miracle Strip memorized. I knew each hotel/motel and whether or not it was a great place to stay, what kind of pool they had, etc. I even remember being four and standing on a huge rock next to a mailbox in front of one while my dad checked us in and feeling a huge stinging sensation on my legs only to look down and find my feet literally COVERED in fire ants! For years, I would check that rock and mailbox out whenever we would go back! Ha, the things that stick in a youngster's head!
I remember that same year the swimming pool being across the street from the beach and we have 8 mm old home movies of my dad standing on his head on the diving board and me running around in my itty bitty bikini!
And I remember Miracle Strip amusement park and Petticoat Junction!!! Petticoat Junction was torn down years ago to make room for a Walmart (big look of disgust on my face as I write this) but Miracle Strip was torn down just a few years ago and I just found out a few weeks ago before we went and I still cannot figure out why!!! The spot where it stood stands vacant, overgrown with weeds and it's so very sad.
The beach tower was claimed by one of many hurricanes to hit the coast in recent years and many of the beloved hotel/motels have also been replaced by high rise condiminiums that now block one's view of the ocean and that irritates me to no end. The construction of those places has driven the price of rental property up so high that most NORMAL income people can't afford to go to the beach like we used to when we were growing up. But that's another blog for another time.
I still saw little pockets here and there of old Panama City that made me nostalgic for my childhood and days past but overall, I can safely say I'm more of a Gulf Shores/Orange Beach girl now. The beaches there are MUCH more beautiful and everything seems a lot less congested and calmer.
Nonetheless, we still had a fabulous time. We went to Pier Park and walked around, drove up and down the strip, got together with Angela at Pineapple Willy's and just hung out relaxing on the beach or by the pool. It was nice to spend time with my girls just having fun.
Panama City will always hold a special place in my heart. I grew up spending countless summer days there. No matter how little money my parents had or what else was going on, we ALWAYS managed to get away for at least one or two weekends during the summer. I had the entire Miracle Strip memorized. I knew each hotel/motel and whether or not it was a great place to stay, what kind of pool they had, etc. I even remember being four and standing on a huge rock next to a mailbox in front of one while my dad checked us in and feeling a huge stinging sensation on my legs only to look down and find my feet literally COVERED in fire ants! For years, I would check that rock and mailbox out whenever we would go back! Ha, the things that stick in a youngster's head!
I remember that same year the swimming pool being across the street from the beach and we have 8 mm old home movies of my dad standing on his head on the diving board and me running around in my itty bitty bikini!
And I remember Miracle Strip amusement park and Petticoat Junction!!! Petticoat Junction was torn down years ago to make room for a Walmart (big look of disgust on my face as I write this) but Miracle Strip was torn down just a few years ago and I just found out a few weeks ago before we went and I still cannot figure out why!!! The spot where it stood stands vacant, overgrown with weeds and it's so very sad.
The beach tower was claimed by one of many hurricanes to hit the coast in recent years and many of the beloved hotel/motels have also been replaced by high rise condiminiums that now block one's view of the ocean and that irritates me to no end. The construction of those places has driven the price of rental property up so high that most NORMAL income people can't afford to go to the beach like we used to when we were growing up. But that's another blog for another time.
I still saw little pockets here and there of old Panama City that made me nostalgic for my childhood and days past but overall, I can safely say I'm more of a Gulf Shores/Orange Beach girl now. The beaches there are MUCH more beautiful and everything seems a lot less congested and calmer.
Nonetheless, we still had a fabulous time. We went to Pier Park and walked around, drove up and down the strip, got together with Angela at Pineapple Willy's and just hung out relaxing on the beach or by the pool. It was nice to spend time with my girls just having fun.
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