Catching up

havent had the opportunity to blog lately as I dont get much time on the computer. I can access Facebook and email with my phone and the few precious minutes I do get, I'm generally looking for a job.

I'm beginning to panic about that. I desparately need a full-time job! I am so sick of being broke! I'm sick of being stranded and not being able to do what I want to do because of my lack of transportation.

I started working out again but the treadmill was too much for my knees so I went back to the bike and weights. It seems to be going okay. I know it's gonna be a slow process.

I also got my haircut. I let Brooke do it--she did great last time but not so much this time! lol Had to get Mom to fix it and it wound up shorter than I wanted it but it's only hair, it'll grow back.

For the sake of both my privacy and safety and for the privacy of the "friends" I'm seeing, I'm going to refrain from calling any of them by name. I've realized that I've put way too much of my life on Facebook lately. While I have nothing to hide and pretty much don't care what people know or think, never have, I still wish some things had not played out publicly the way they did. I might have been able to handle things better had they not. But hey, live and learn. The net is my venting place, my sounding board, my therapy.

So, my "friends". There are basically three. One I REALLY like. He's super sweet and has been an awesome friend. We've had a great time hanging out, talking, etc. I dont think he feels a connection...not sure. But I'm okay with taking it slow--last time was MUCH too fast.

The second, I've only talked to on Facebook and we haven't really been able to get together. Not sure if we ever will.

The third, I've always adored and we have plans for the summer. His life is almost as complicated as mine right now. Again, slow is fine with me.

It just gets lonely sometimes. When I'm alone and bored I think about things and I start to have regrets and regret is not really my style. I want to look forward and be excited about the future, not pine over mistakes and what ifs.

I did get the opportunity to get back involved in SkillsUSA (formerly VICA). I judged a Customer Service competition and I really enjoyed it. Got to see Doug and Keith again, too and also Bonnie Feenker. I was bummed I didnt get to see Kent but I know where he works now! I will be dropping in on him soon. I so miss him and so need his wisdom right now! Keith also asked me to go to Nationals and I told him if he was paying I sure would and he said of course! I'm super excited! It's in Kansas City in June and I will get to ride up there with Keith and Doug. That should be fun!

I also finally went to the magistrate last week and swore out a warrant on Craig. Due to the tornadoes, they said it may be a week or so before they are able to pick him up. His bond was set at $6000 which means he'll need $600 to bail out. That wont be easy and I hate that for his parents but I had no choice. I couldn't let him get away with treating me like he has and not trying to do anything about it. I couldn't let my daughters see that I just let it go because if God forbid one day they are in the same situation, I wouldnt be able to tell them to do anything because I had not.

And as crazy as it all sounds--I still love the bastard. So much I was willing to do/give up for him and all I wanted was to be treated well and see him make some kind of effort to have a life outside of his room. But I guess sometimes love just isnt enough. I doubt he will ever get any better, he seems so far gone to so many people and it's so sad. Underneath all the haze and anger, I know there is a great person--I saw him. He was mine for a short time...I just dont know what happened. Sometimes it hurts so much to know I have to move on. Sometimes I get so upset and want to just run back over there and say...I dont care. But I can't.

I never ever understood before how abused women could keep going back. I thought they were so pathetic for putting up with that crap. But now I understand, except I cant explain it to anyone else. I guess our world and our faith teaches us that there's always hope and as long as we have hope, it's really hard to let go. But I have to.

Just gotta try to keep making it through each day--find something to look forward to, something good in everything and try not to get bogged down in all that's messed up right now.

Got a great weekend planned with another single-mom friend and her girls. I'm looking forward to that and of course, tomorrow night is Brooke's dance. We have the dress, the shoes, the nails and the hair! She's ready and excited! I cant wait to see her.

And of course...Mother's Day is Sunday. I love my mom and I love being a mom but I really hate these stupid greeting card holidays!

Guess that's all for now...