Saturday...

It's been a good day and I thank God because I needed one. Of course, it didn't start out that way. It started at 2 a.m. with my husband and I having a disagreement or rather, a misunderstanding. But we worked it out for now I think...

We woke up this morning and he wanted to go out for breakfast just the two of us. I had planned on working out at the Y but I gave in, it is Cracker Barrel after all! Then we went to get groceries and back home for a little R & R.

We took the kids to see Toy Story 3 finally and it was awesome!!! But it also broke my heart.

I remember taking Dylan to see the first one when he was a little boy--just the two of us and we both fell in love with it! He was completely obsessed with Toy Story for a long time. He had all the toys and was even Buzz Lightyear the following Halloween (his cousin Zac was Woody and they were so precious together!)

Now, my little Buzz is all grown up (almost) and leaving for college in less than a year. Well, so was Andy! So it really hit home. I am SO NOT PREPARED for this phase of my life and I don't know how to handle it. I know I still have two daughters left at home that desperately need me and I know I'm only 40, in good health and good shape and I have a lot to look forward to. I know all that in my head. Telling it to my heart is a whole 'nother thing! I am not ready for my children to be grown up. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being their mom (and yes, I know I will ALWAYS be their mom) and I MISS MISS MISS them being little.

If I could impart ONE THING on all the parents out there who still have little ones--enjoy it while it lasts! Time is a thief and while it's exciting seeing them get to the next phase in their lives, it's stressful when you have so much to do and they can be so demanding, please please please understand--you NEVER GET THIS TIME BACK! And you can't "make up for it later"--just ask my own biological father. It simply doesn't work that way.

I don't mean to make anyone feel guilty for anything. I'm just saying--don't take it for granted. It is so precious.

So yes, the movie was HILLARIOUS and also very SAD at the end. I BAWLED LIKE A BIG OL' BABY and of course, the girls made fun of me (I tend to cry a lot at movies, heck, I cry at stop signs sometimes! lol) but I don't care.

It also reconfirmed what I knew to be true about myself already--I am CALLED to work with children. Childhood is SO IMPORTANT. As I continue to study and analyze my own childhood, the more I realize this to be true and the more I understand that not all adults/parents grasp that concept. So I for sure feel like this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. Making money is important, especially given the financial obligations STILL LOOMING (please pray hard) on the horizon for us. But I just have to trust that God will provide for our needs as long as I am obedient to His calling on my life. So I've narrowed down the job choices, at least. Now if I could only be clear on other things...but they are far more complicated.

I can't wait for tomorrow morning. I SO need me some church. I absolutely LOVE my church. If you ever get the opportunity to visit Church of the Highlands, you will not be disappointed. (and if you happen to go to the 9:30 Sunday morning service, let me know and I'll save you a seat).

When I am there, I truly feel in the presence of a loving God. I am surrounded by brothers and sistes of all colors, backgrounds, shapes, sizes--all walks of life. I have worshiped, hugged and prayed with hispanics, african americans, asians, people in torn jeans, tattoos, people of all ages...it really and truly feels like I imagine it will be in Heaven or when Jesus comes back. Not to mention the music is the best I've ever heard--completely awesome. Love love love our praise team, especially CJ Blount! We are so blessed that such an awesome young man uses that amazing talent to glorify the Lord.

I really hope Pastor Chris is back tomorrow. I have really missed him. He is so down to earth and so full of the spirit. He is truly annointed. But I admire and respect that he is where he needs to be (with his ailing father) and all of the pastoral staff is great.

The past three Wednesdays I have really been blessed to get to hear Pastor Joe McGee. He has been the guest pastor on Wednesdays and is truly hillarious! It's impossible to take notes from him though because he moves so quickly through everything but it's also impossible to NOT pay attention. If you ever get the opportunity to witness his amazing ministry, please don't pass it up.

I am also thankful to be getting back to a somewhat normal schedule next week--no more 11-6!!! Thank you, Jesus!!! I'm off Monday and Tuesday and so far, no real plans except to work out and lay by the pool! I just hope the weather cooperates!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Killing time...

I got up early this morning, did a little of the cleaning I was supposed to do yesterday but didn't, went to workout and then I was supposed to meet with my prayer partner this morning. But she is home with a migraine so I had a few hours to kill. Decided to come to the library, type up a follow up letter for one of my interviews and now I'm just blogging...I have no thoughts in mind (well, that's not true, I actually have a LOT of thoughts) but no idea what will come out as I didn't exactly plan this post.

I took the day off from work yesterday. I had a very emotional morning and was just completely drained. I don't do that often (call in to work) but yesterday, it just had to be done. I went downtown and met Jeff for a few minutes during his lunch break and then I went shopping and got my toes done! Haven't done either of those in a long time. I'm not really much of a shopper...I like to go in, get what I need and get out as quickly as possible. Truth be told, I'd rather be home scrubbing toilets than at Walmart, especially on Thursday (that's when all the seniors go and I know that sounds ugly but I just don't have any patience when I have a list to markoff...I want to get it done and anyone who gets in my way, gets on my bucket list!) But yesterday I decided I was going to get a few items that had been on my "to get" list for a long time and just hadn't had the extra money to do it, the time to really look for what I want or whatever. Yes, I have a "to get" list. I am a listmaker. I have a "to do" list (actually two--one for the day and one for long-term), a wish list, grocery list, walmart list, bills to pay list, goals list...I cannot function with my notebook of lists!

So what was on my "to get" list? Well, workout clothes for starters. I actually only had one set that was halfway decent and I have been having to wash them every day since I have been working out so much. Since I'm apparently in the groove now, I thought it would be a good investment and not a waste of money like it would have been any other time. And here's the best part--I got in a size 12 pants!!!! I could not believe it. Granted, they are workout pants and stretchy but not too much...I am beyond tickled. But I still have a LLLOOONNNGGG way to go.

I also got a pool coverup. Since I got a new swimsuit last month, my old coverup no longer matched and you guys know--I MUST MATCH!!! I am no fashionista, but everything has to go together at least.

I got a wrap to wear while I'm getting ready at the Y (sort of like a robe), some new makeup, sunscreen, skin care products, new bath towels, steak knives, measuring cups, cake pans, etc. etc. etc. Just things we've been needing for awhile and like I said, I've just been putting off getting. It was good to be by myself for a few hours even if it did have to be shopping.

I also got my toes done which I haven't done in awhile. I usually do them myself to save money. But I was in need of some "therapy" and let me tell you, it was good! It's a good thing I do not have one of those chairs at home because if I did, I would probably never get out of it.

We all decided to go out to eat for dinner last night for Kayti's birthday, a belated Father's day and celebrate my slimdown. We let Kayti pick the place and she picked Logan's which was fine with me. Love love love their Roadhouse Tea! And our little waiter was cute as a bug! He was even flirting with Kayti a little bit which I think made her feel good! Then he let it slip that he liked to hunt and fish so wouldn't you know, my husband made a new best friend! Needless to say, this little guy got a nice tip and we had a good time.

Then we let the girls go to Wet Seal--their favorite clothing store and they each spent some of their birthday money on some cute clothes. I was tempted to try on a pair of shorts there but decided not to ruin my day by pressing my luck! One day....

I have no idea what we are doing this weekend. If the weather is good, I'm sure we'll be at the pool. If not, I got some spackling yesterday so I could start repainting the inside of the house! Yes, it's that time again...I'm feeling a major reorganization/redecorate coming on! I was trying to hold off to see if we were going to get to move but I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon so...

I've been working on my writing and managed to get a few chapters finished in what I hope turns into some kind of book. It's mostly childhood memories, as I mentioned before, I've been reading about that and am learning a lot about myself.

I would very much appreciate everyone's prayers right now. I am seriously struggling in one area that I don't feel comfortable talking about right now (so please, don't talk about it amongst yourselves or feel the need to call my mom, for the love--it's not THAT bad! Please keep it to yourself and just pray!!! I am journaling and praying but I'm not really sure what to pray for...I either need redemption or closure, perhaps both. And it's really hard because I need to get all this stuff out and I just can't...not even here. I'm very afraid. So please pray that God will see me through all this. I know He will...but I very much need to feel some comfort and grace right now.

Guess I have killed enough time...better get to work. Thank God it's Friday! Have a great weekend and be blessed!

Happy Birthday, Kayti!!!

Fourteen years ago today, I gave birth to my beautiful, sweet daughter, Sara Kaytlan Quick! You can click and read about her birth story on the right. I remember that day well...it seems like it was last week!

We are headed out to grab a bite to eat to celebrate her birthday, a belated Father's Day and my getting into a size 12!!!! (although barely) She is going to have friends over next weekend and they are all going to see the new Twilight movie, Eclipse. She is a huge fan.

I am so proud of my daughter for so many reasons. Everyone says she is just like me and she DOES favor me a lot. But when I think back to the person I was at age 14, she is SO much better! She still has an innocence about her, she's not into things older than her, she's not out getting into trouble, she's smart, she's grounded, she knows who she is and what she likes and I admire her so much. Who'd have thought MY daughter would be MY inspiration?

Thank you, Lord for such a wonderful gift!









Birthday dinner at Logans...

This week...

This week has been CRAZY!!! Full of activity, blessings, good stuff and, well, I won't say bad stuff but very HEAVY stuff!

To start with, I have been working a different shift than what I'm used to and let me just say, I hate it. It's been a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG week! I did it to avoid being involved in VBS and that part has been good. But my afternoons are almost unbearably boring! But only two more days of that and then everything is back to normal, praise God!

Speaking of Him, how great is God? Let me tell you! I went from having NO job prospects whatsoever to having three interviews in one week and a fourth scheduled on Monday!!! All the interviews so far have went very well. I know the job I want but it scares me at the same time. I don't want to get in over my head but I am ready for a challenge at the same time. Just pray that if this is where God wants me He will make it abundantly clear and that He will also provide me the tools, the gifts and the strength to see it through. You guys know me, I'm so freakin' competitive, I want to always be the very best at whatever I'm doing. If I'm teaching, I feel like I have to be the BEST teacher. If I'm writing, I want my stories on the front page! If I'm homeschooling, I want my kids to be the smartest! If I'm doing Zumba, I want to be on the front row, not missing a beat while everyone thinks, "wow, wish I could do that!"

That's not to say I don't accept the fact that I have weaknesses and flaws and that sometimes I don't come out on top and when I don't, I'm not devastated. But I still strive to be the best. I don't know why and sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not so good. I just don't like to do things half-***!

I have also been struggling with some issues lately. They are really not new issues--ones that I have had my entire life. And here's where my writer's block comes in as I don't really know how to put into words what these issues are...I don't understand them and I don't like feeling so intense about them. I have been doing a lot of reading lately on dealing with your past, confronting people and issues, analyzing childhood memories and just doing a lot of soul-searching.

Psychology has always fascinated me. I don't want to be psychologist for others, although I do think I'm a good listener and compassionate and don't mind when others confide in me--if I can help anyone anyway, I will. But it's always interesting to me what makes people the way they are. It's so complex and so astonishing. I don't like when people use it as an excuse necessarily but it is usually valid reasoning.

For the most part, I have to say that I like the person I am. I have a lot of memories and experiences that I treasure, even some of the bad ones because they served to teach me something and make me who I am and like I said, I like me. I just am always wanting to dig deeper into why I AM me...if that makes any sense at all.

But these past few days have also been convicting...as I know it's time for ME to stop asking God to bail me out of the jams I get myself into, whether it's financial, physical, emotional or spiritual. I need to draw closer to Him.

I learned something very important this week. Actually two things:

1) I used to think that the less I sinned, the closer I would be to God when it's actually the other way around. The closer to God I am, the less likely I am to sin.

2) Being close to God is not an immunization to sin. The devil hates us even worse the closer we are to God. That's why the unsaved or the backslidden seem to prosper--the devil already has them so he has no reason to mess with them. The rest of us, though, he has to go after and prevent us from showing God's love to others.

That is why the devil makes sin so appealing and why the lines sometimes get blurred. He makes wrong things seem right or even sometimes "okay" as long as they make us feel good about ourselves. We need to stop looking to our own feelings for validation and understand that God loves us already and dangit, that needs to be enough! Why does it sometimes feel like it isn't?

Grace can be very confusing. I get the concept, I understand it and oh how I am so glad we live under grace and not law. But I think sometimes we take it TOO for granted and think of it as a license to do those appealing things because we know God will forgive us. And He will. But we will still be disciplined!

I have found myself at times searching God's word for "permission" to do what I'm doing or feel what I'm feeling. How absurd is that? It's like I'm looking for a loophole or something. I love that God holds in high regard broken people--Abraham lied, Noah got drunk, David committed adultery--and yet God loved these people enough to not only help them but to prosper them. But sometimes we look at those examples and think, "well they did it and God still loved them, why not?" Because losing Gods love and favor isn't something we ever have to worry about, we think it's ok to act on our own selfishness.

But the thing is, we forget that even though God will still love and forgive us, we still will endure the consequences to the choices we make and they will not always be pleasant. God loves us SO MUCH that He doesn't want us to have to go through that.

I guess it can best be explained through the example of when my son was a little boy, he LOVED to jump on the bed. I would tell him over and over again not to, that I wish he wouldn't, he would break the bed or worse--fall and break something of his. Well, he kept doing it of course and one day he did fall. He didn't break any bones (thank God) but it did hurt. Did I still love him? Absolutely! But I hated seeing him in paiin, even though it was his own fault. If he'd only listened to me and been obedient, he would have been spared that pain.

And most of the time, I think we DO recognize this and want to be obedient. It's just so appealing sometimes to do the opposite. We have to recognize that and recognize that we are flawed and guard ourselves as much as we can. Surround ourselves with safe friends and good influences. And pray pray pray for the strength to resist temptation, the courage to take the necessary preventative steps and the humility and courage to admit when we need help.

Thanks so much for your prayers! Thank you, those of you who love me unconditionally the way that I am--flawed and screwed up, competitive and cocky, prideful and impatient but always, always always wanting to do better and loving you for loving me!

Specifically for Shalita....

who REFUSES to get on Facebook, even though she SHOULD!!!!

Still....

Yes, I am STILL here...

Still working out (have dropped TWO pants sizes!!!! I am beyond thrilled about that!) and still brown as a berry (if you can't tone it, tan it!)

But also...

STILL working at a job that I'm less than thrilled about, my pay has been cut and the job will end in August!

STILL looking for a job that will pay my bills and where God can use me in a BIG way!

STILL praying for a new place to live...

STILL needing a new(er) car...

STILL fretting about some major financial obligations that are looming and STILL needing that big bucket of money to fall out of the sky!

STILL worrying about my sister...

And yet...

I'm STILL blessed!

Blessed to have a God who loved me and my flawed, screwed-up self enough to sacrifice His perfect Son for me so that He could be MY friend!

Blessed to have three of the greatest kids in the world to call my own. Blessed that they are happy, healthy and good kids.

Blessed to have a hard-working husband that loves me and still looks good! (guess that was a pretty good idea marrying someone who looked twelve at the time! lol)

Blessed to have an awesome family!

Blessed that God answered my prayers and gave me the best, most awesomest friends in the world!

Blessed that we have a roof over our heads (though it's a small one!) and our bills are paid (for now! lol)

Blessed to have an awesome church home!

Blessed to have so many things to look forward to!

Blessed to know that the Word of God says to "Be STILL and know that I am God"

So that's what I will do....

still!

You be blessed and be still also!

Saturday morning random thoughts and updates...

About to hit the shower and go meet my prayer partner and bff, Donna for breakfast and some MUCH need prayer time together. I LOVE LOVE LOVE our prayer times. They are so special and I am so thankful that God answered my prayer for such a friend. Don't know what I'd do without her! I just hope I'm half the friend to her as she is to me!

It's been a pretty boring week overall. Memorial Day was fun. We went to the pool for a few hours, I finished a book and we threw some ribs on the grill. I was off Tuesday so I hit the gym hard, tanned, cleaned house (not that you can tell it now) and then we went to my other Donna's house for swimming. I love Tuesday afternoon pool parties. The kids play, the moms talk and sip! Love love love it!

Wednesday it was back to work and o....m....g....!!! Boring. Boring boring boring! I only have 9 kids (which is the same number I've had all year) but these are 3's & 4's combined. There is a LOT less structure and a LOT less noise. Now for those of you who don't teach and aren't called to be around children, you probably think that's a blessing. I don't. It's just not right! I guess it's just gonna take getting used to but it's really depressing. What once was a place of such love and an open example of God in action is now stark, cold and sad. I am trying to make it fun for the babies we have left and I do love them. I do find small glimpses of God during each day telling me, "No, I'm not in this PLACE but I am in You and these children if you just look..." I love the smile on little Donald's face now that he's been moved up to the big class. I am very thankful to have Aaron still with me. I am enjoying getting to know Anna, Madison and the others and I'm very impressed with the progress Sam (slightly autistic) has made. But I would be remiss if I said I did not miss my other babies. I just hope I get to see them again once in a while. I did get a Gracie fix this week!

I'm doing very good at the gym. I love going early in the mornings and working out before work. I take my time getting ready and have gotten to know a few of the other ladies that go early like me. And I'm happy to report it's officially time for smaller pants! Just gotta keep going...

I applied for two more jobs--Director positions--this week. I'm gonna keep my thoughts to myself for now. I am just willing to go where God wants me to be. I'll keep waiting for Him to open those doors and pray I have the good sense to walk through them!

I am deeply saddened by seeing the oil finally wash up on my beloved beaches. I feel like part of my childhood has been messed with. I cannot remember a summer growing up that we did not go to the beach at least once...sometimes many times. And I've been all over the world--there is no other place on earth like it. I would LOVE to move down there this summer and help with cleanup. I just hope it doesn't last long. I will never again buy gas from BP. It may or may not make a difference but I just can't stomach the thought.

I am so looking forward to this weekend. It's actually the first one in a while I haven't been running running running from one thing to the next. Wish I could get some things done around the house but most likely, I will just catch up on a LOT of reading!

Be blessed!