Monday, March 12, 2012

Okay, so I failed...

I failed at both the things I tried to give up for Lent. I'm not completely devastated that I did, nor surprised. I am reminded every day how very short I fall of the glory of God. I am happy and at peace with the honest effort I did give it and I know that my failures were not really based on my weakness (although I AM weak, very weak!) but rather on other factors.

Facebook--well, there has been SO much going on and it really has become my source of news for family and friends over email. A friend's mother passed, another friend's child had major surgery and my own child is dealing with some emotional issues that required me to seek out my prayer warriors. How could I NOT take advantage of the useful communication tool that facebook is?

As for coke, I've managed to cut back a LOT! I let myself give in one day when my percocets made me nauseated! Coke is the ONLY thing that seems to settle my quesy stomach. Thank God I just dont often have a weak stomach!

I am no longer liking my job much. I still love my babies, very much, and their parents and like a few of my coworkers. But for other reasons, I'm actively seeking other employment. And for now, God seems to be steering me away from opening my own center. I still dont know what He wants me to do but I'm fairly confident that isnt it. But who knows. I'm still in prayer about it and He has been known to pull the rug out from under me in the past. The gift of discernment--I dont have it!

I finished the last of my knee injections Friday. I'll have to start another round in six months but for now, I'm glad to be done. I've noticed that I'm regaining some strength in them and I'm hoping the more I'm able to exercise, the better it will keep getting.

I am enjoying having Dylan home for Spring Break this week. I only wished the girls had their spring break this week also so they could spend more time together.

Brooke tried out for colorguard but didnt make it. She was disappointed but has already moved on to the next thing! That's just like her. She has her first soccer game this weekend.

Please pray for Kayti. I'm not going to elaborate at this time but I would really appreciate your prayers for her. I'm deeply concerned and her father and I are doing all we can to help her. Thanks so much.

Have a blessed week!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Lent Week 1

I've done amazingly well giving up coke. And Facebook...well, the only time I got on it was to print some pictures of my niece and nephews. I've not posted or commented and believe me, it was hard. I've gotten very used to sharing my random thoughts throughout the day. It's hard for me to remember my "clever musings" and put them all into a blog.

But not being able to do so, has also taught me alot and probably saved me many times already because I have been SO READY many times to go off on it and tell certain people EXACTLY what I think of them. Just probably in my overall best interest to keep those thoughts to myself.

As I think about how hard it is to resist my fleshly urge to speak my mind--something I'm usually praised for, but also often criticized for--the sacrifice DOES offer me a glimpse into what Jesus must have went through...He was 100% God and 100% human. He had all the human emotions, desires, thoughts...and fought them and ultimately gave the greatest gift, Himself so that we would not suffer for having them and failing to fight them. Of course, being 100% God may have made things a tad easier! lol I dont know. I just know I'm super proud that I've been able to keep this up for even a week. It's a LOT farther than I usually get during Lent!

As for the things I needed to vent about...work mostly. I still love my job. I love taking care of all those babies and I love most of my coworkers. Lets just say I'm a bit disillusioned about other things and leave it at that. Irritations and annoyances come with any job so I guess I gotta take the good with the bad! At least for now...

And this is where I will ask for prayer--I've had a certain desire/dream in my heart for a LONG time. It's been my goal for the last several years and it all of a sudden seems I am at a crossroads. I either need to scrap the dream for a new one (and I do have a new one already) or I need to push forward NOW. If it is in God's plan for me to pursue the desires of my heart, He's going to have to move a few mountains and I KNOW He can! I've seen it happen in the lives of many of my friends and He has blessed me already beyond measure, beyond what I really deserve. But this is huge. I dont have the capitol to see this dream to fruition, not at this time. But I'm feeling in my heart that now IS the time. So I dont know what to do. I dont know how to proceed...I just need to hear it from God Himself that this IS the direction I need to keep moving in.

On a lighter note...

Brooke is trying out for colorguard tomorrow! She is very excited and she is good but I know there are many girls trying out. I hope that if she doesnt make it, she's not too disappointed.

She has also started soccer and her grades are improving. Kayti is still not interested in any activities, just seems to enjoy being a homebody, reading and studying. I do wish I could get her self-esteem up. I'm not sure why she feels the way she does. She is so beautiful, little and cute. She's smart, responsible and funny...I just wish she could see in herself what we see in her.

I got all my furniture put together and the house is starting to look the way I want it to. I still need a few more things for the inside and then I need to start working on the yard and patio. Of course, this weekend I have to fix the dryer (heating element) and dishwasher (not getting things clean, probably just needs cleaning itself).

I also need to get the exhaust leak fixed in my car, secure a weapon for personal protection from a certain psychopath, and various other things!

But I have done a few things for myself and I scored tickets to Joel Osteen! I cannot wait! Love his books and his preachings! I love that He knows God is FOR us, not against us!

I've started tanning and working out. I've also been seeing a new knee doctor who I LOVE and have been getting joint fluid replacement in my knees. The injections hurt worse than labor!!! I'm NOT kidding. I screamed like a little bitch the first round. He gave me percocet to take before getting the second and it helped a little...but oh how narcotics make me itch!!! I thought it was just lortab but its apparently everything! I'm now convinced that all the druggies and pillheads have all those gaping wounds all over their bodies--they've been scratching themselves to death!

But I'm excited about what these procedures will mean for my activities! Hope to start back running (the new doc said it was perfectly fine!), zumba and bellydance very soon. For now, I'm just doing some mild cardio and strength training.

Havent seen Dylan in a few weeks. He's playing on an intramural basketball team and stays very busy so he hasnt been home in a while. I miss him terribly. When I love on those babies, especially the boys, I remember when he was that little and how it seems like only yesterday! Time really flies!

I've been able to spend some time with good friends and its been great. Some are hurting terribly though and my heart breaks for them. I wish I could fix things for them but I can only pray and even though my spirit knows that's the BEST thing I can do, my flesh wants to do more...and I can't. It's frustrating. Money problems, health issues, job problems, death of a loved one...life is hard sometimes. But I love my friends almost as much as my children. And I'm speaking of my TRUE friends here--you know who you are. Especially those of you that have done so much for me this past year. You kept me going by your encouragement and help along the way. I love you so much more than I can ever convey. Please know that.

Also know I'm praying for all of us! I know our God is big and He is for us, therefore all those that stand against us--ha ha! lol

Blessings!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Sharing a few pictures...

I have given up Facebook (and coke!) for Lent so this will be my sounding board for awhile, maybe permanently if can break the habit of sharing random thoughts on facebook...we'll see how it goes! I've already had to bite my tongue more times today than I care to admit but that's a whole 'nother post! I dont think it will be as hard as I think. I'm already addicted to Pinterest and sick of all the facebook drama anyway. But coke, that's another issue. Coke is my crack! It's not the caffeine. Something about the carbonation...anyway...

wanted to share a few pictures of some crafts I've done recently, my niece and nephews, and my babies!


My niece, Chloe-bug!




Coop!



Liam!



some of my sweet babies I get to take care of every day...







and some things I've done for the house...which is coming along nicely by the way!







Will post more later...babies are waking up from nap!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

No moping...

Got less sleep last night than I normally do and have been down this morning...yes, because of a man! If he can even be called that...but I digress. Was all set to be in a hum drum mood this morning until I logged on to Facebook and seen some other status updates.



I have friends with loved ones in terrible health. Other friends who have just lost their father/husband. Another friend lost her beloved dog and best friend. Other friends are having money issues and I know all too well the stress that brings. My heart breaks for them, it really does. But it does help me put things in perspective.



I am in decent health, have a great job that I love, a great apartment, great friends, family relationships are on the mend and I'm set to get my income tax refund tomorrow after which I will have new furniture and a new car so I can resume doing things I love--church, zumba, hobbies, visiting friends, going out, traveling...



So my biggest problem is that *I* dumped a loser and I still care than he's angry I wouldn't allow him to manipulate me, that I wouldnt give him his way and resort to a life of sitting around with him watching wrestling while his parents support us and roaches crawl all over his pizza? He's right about one thing--I am stupid! Stupid because I care. Stupid that it breaks my heart that his is a wasted life and he doesnt care himself.



But yeah...right now that's my biggest problem. I think I am VERY blessed!



I recently watched the movie, "Eat, Pray, Love" (wish I could say I read the book but I have been in such a reading funk lately) and her guru told her something I thought to be very profound:



"It's okay to miss someone. Don't fight it. Give them a little miss, a little love, shine a little light at them and then drop it and move on with your life."



I know I didnt quote that exactly right word for word but that's the jist of it.



So yeah, right or wrong, sometimes I miss him. It was a part of my life that contains bad and good and makes me who I am. I cant love who I am without embracing that experience on some level. And I do love me. And am very grateful to be me. So from time to time if you read a post of mine that seems weepy, it's just miss, acknowledging my human side and my ability to love even the unlovable, forgive the unforgiveable and miss and wish well the detestable.



It may be my biggest flaw but one I'm proud to have and so the rest of my life should be a piece of cake!



Hope you enjoyed this serving of cake!

.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

A New Year...

I am so excited for 2012 and so glad to see 2011 go!

A recap of 2011:

I broke my marriage vows and got a divorce.
The girls and I moved--three times!
I experienced domestic violence first hand.
I bought, then promptly totaled a car.
I had a nervous breakdown.
I got involved in some less than desirable relationships.
I severed ties with a few "friends".
I changed jobs.
I sent my baby boy off to college.
I stopped homeschooling the girls.
I had severe family relationship drama with mom and sisters.

Here is a note I shared on facebook about my feelings for 2011:

I have always loved New Year's and this year, I plan to make it extra special.
New Years means new beginnings. Second chances. Everyone gets to start over. For me, this means EVERYTHING right now. In 2011 I made SO MANY mistakes. Some destroyed my marriage, some almost destroyed my family and others almost destroyed me. At the very least, they turned my life, my kids' lives and other peo9ples' lives completely upside down.
At times, the changes were exhilierating and exciting. Other times, they were downright depressing and chaotic. But we survived (thank God) and I learned SO MUCH about people, the world, circumstances and especailly--myself.
I discovered that there really are wolves in sheep's clothing. I discovered that the devil does exist. I discovered that we reap what we sow, that people will treat you how you ALLOW them to treat you and that you can't save some people...not even from themselves.
I discovered that some people are only your friends as long as you are doing what they think you should. Some, only as long as you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. But a few are ALWAYS ALWAYS your friend and then some people show up from out of nowhere to encourage you, pray for you, help you, even shelter you.
I discovered that it is vitally important to pay attention to my own physical and mental health, that sometimes it's not circumstances and situations--sometimes its medications that need changing! I discovered that my Lord and Savior is faithful, loving and forgiving even when His followers sometimes arent. And with His help, I discovered I had strength far beyond what I ever thought I had.
I am on my way back but not as I was before...as someone even better! I will keep moving forward knowing that I am who God says I am, I have what He says I have and I can do what He says I can do. I know EXACTLY what I deserve and I WILL NOT settle for less than that when I know God intends to bless me beyond that. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and to look forward to and have every reason to be even more positive than ever.
So while I am thankful for 2011--even the bad stuff (and there was a LOT)--and all that I learned, I am ready for it to go! Bring on 2012, I am ready to apply all that I learned and go confidently in the direction of my dreams!
Thanks so much to each and every one of you who helped propel me and will be with me to see what God has in store for us! I love you!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Christmas 2011

We had a WONDERFUL Christmas. I needn't have been so anxious about all of it--about it being different. There were some differences, obviously but it was still very nice.

We did go to my mom's and she had cooked the traditional dinner and it was scrumptious as always. She didn't have a tree, however. She hasnt enjoyed putting it up since Maw Maw died but always managed to somehow. I'm not even going to worry about why she decided not to this year but she had told us we wouldn't. We were not going to let her get away with it...



haha

We enjoyed spending time with Cooper...



and Liam...



and Chloe...



And everyone was nice and there was no fighting.

We went home and got ready for Santa just like we always did...Jeff stayed over and waited with me. It was nice. I am very thankful that we have the kind of relationship we do. Its amazing considering everything...I am glad that we were able to give the kids at least one more "normal" Christmas. Not sure if there will be anymore.

The kids were elated and surprised with their gifts but all too soon it was time for them to go to their dad's for Christmas with that side of the family. I know it sounds horrible to say but I dont miss that at all. I got some much needed time to myself for a few days. The girls came back sooner than expected because Jeff's mom was sick (surprise surprise) and I think they were glad. I think they are used to being there now but now that we have a place of our own, I know they are MUCH happier being "home".

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Too blessed to be stressed!

It's been a great few days! No, I haven't made up with my mother, I'm BEYOND broke, and still no car. But I have finished my Christmas shopping, my son is home and staying with me and seems to be actually enjoying it and my girls and I have been getting along great! Oh the blessing of having a home of our own!

We have decided that we are going to my mom's Christmas Eve, taking gifts and a dessert and if she doesn't let us in or whatever, we will go out to eat. Either way, after, we are going to ride around and look at lights and come home and get ready for Santa like we always do. We are going to be positive, excited and nothing is going to ruin our Christmas. We are not going to focus on our failures and disappointments of the past year or how different everything is. It's the celebration of the birth of our Savior and we are just going to focus on the joy of holiday and enjoy being together.

I have been so very blessed by my co-workers and the parents of the children in my care and I have a few days off before Christmas to just relax and enjoy being with my kids. Tonight the girls and I got started on our holiday baking.

I hadn't had time to get my nails done lately and if you know me at all, you know how I am about my nails! I will eat pb&j and sit in the dark all bundled up if I have to but I'm getting my nails done! Oh but the move and everything....I peeled the acrylic off and had been trying to give it up but it is so painful, in more ways than one. Well, one of the parents got me a gift certificate to get them done! A sign from God that He approves of this expenditure/indulgence? I think so! lol So I'm going to get them redone tomorrow.

We are also going shopping, the kids and I and possibly have lunch somewhere. Then tomorrow night we venture downtown to the Alabama Theatre to see my all-time favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life. And maybe my life hasn't been so wonderful this year but it's mine and I love it!

Be blessed and Merry Christmas!