My latest read...and it was a good one!!!

So now that I'm done with grad school, I've resumed reading for pleasure/self-improvement. The latest book I read I actually finished only days ago. It only took a week to complete and while it's not my fastest read, it does rank--I was completely immersed and for good reason!

How to Date Like a Grown-Up by Lisa Daily is a must read for any single woman (and even men)! It is appropriately sub-titled "Everything You Need to Know to Get Out There, Get Lucky or Even Get Married in Your 40s, 50s and Beyond". And boy does she cover the spectrum of not only age but also intentions.

No, it's not a "Christian" book, meaning she doesn't insert scripture in every section to back up her advice. And that's okay.  My personal opinion--there is nothing wrong with taking a secular approach to some things as long as we know our boundaries of morality and don't compromise them. And each person has his/her own. Obviously, this book was not written specifically for Christians but that doesn't mean we can't take something (and in this case A LOT OF SOMETHING) from it.

And while the book is aimed mostly at women, that doesn't mean men can't take something away from this either. Of course, and again, this is my personal opinion from observations and dating, most men either think they're game is already good enough and/or they don't really care enough about women to read anything that might give them some insight. But I digress.

I love how she starts off Chapter 1--she just gets right to the point. Most women 40s and up that find themselves single generally are scared shitless. They start to think to themselves, "oh my God, I may be alone for the rest of my life" and they get terrified. I've had friends that I've watched do this so I know. And that fear has caused them to make some TERRIBLE decisions to deal with the fear of loneliness. Fortunately, I got to watch those decisions before I made any myself. Well, actually, I DID make plenty of my own bad decisions. But they weren't done out of fear of loneliness. Never. I'd much rather be alone the rest of my life than with a man that's an abusive, narcissistic, sociopathic loser. But that's just me.  Some women feel they don't have a choice because other life decisions they've made haven't enabled them to be able to support themselves financially. That's a shame. But I'd rather live with 10 other women friends, family or on the streets that go through what I've watched some go through. But getting back to the book...

Women in their 40s and beyond worry about competing with 20-somethings. Daily points out that we're not competing with them. We can't and we don't need to. We need to realize we (most of us anyway) are operating on a whole different plane. The men that are looking for the 20 somethings are not the men we want to date anyway and we need to realize that.

We need to know who we are--we are grown-ups. We are not looking for a man to define us--if anything the men we date will need to find a way to fit into OUR lives!  We are also not going to dump all of our friends to "hang out" with some guy or remake our lives to better match his. We have careers, we have friends, we have homes and we have shit to do!

We've also experienced life and witnessed much! This enables us to put things in perspective.

We also have far fewer hangups about sex than our younger counter parts. There is a reason that young men fantasize about sex with older women--we're more adventurous and less likely to worry about our bodies (even if we may be a tad self-conscious about certain areas, most of us have the attitude--it is what it is, like it or leave it!), the little mishaps and noises that happen in bed and we're far less likely to care what he thinks about us in the morning. This means we're much more likely to just let loose and have fun and there's nothing sexier than that!

We are less likely to spend too much time with inappropriate men. By the time we hit 40, we're done messing around. Can I get an Amen here? And I know I have gotten MUCH better at weeding out the losers and picking up on things that let me know it's not going to work out MUCH sooner than I used to when I first started dating again. We aren't looking for someone to have kids with. Most of us have already had kids and aren't looking for more. I know this is definitely true for me. I don't mind if the man's children are older kids. Grown kids are even better. But I'm definitely not looking to do diaper duty all over again. And if he's never had kids but wants them or even thinks he might, there's no point in wasting each other's time.

We're more mature and generally have the ability to stop and breath before throwing something. Men who see to avoid drama are appreciative of this.

The book goes on to provide advice on how to get yourself ready to date--appearance, attitude, finances and otherwise (this is the chapter men need to read!! I'm so sick of men that are trolling that don't have the money to take a woman to a movie or even how to match their clothing!) and subsequent chapters detail places and methods of meeting people. There is even a chapter that covers online dating.

The chapter I found most interesting deals with women's attitudes toward dating. As a Generation X'er who came of age during the AIDS epidemic, I was programmed early on to be a serial monogamist. And given that many are having sex with the ones they date, that's probably a good plan for most of us. But it doesn't have to be that way. For starters, there's nothing that says we have to sleep with anybody that we go out with (Christian or not) and Daily actually encourages women to date 3 men at time. Date, not sleep with! She refers to it as "A Pair and a Spare". And I love the idea! I have noticed that for me and for many of my friends even, male interest in a female tends to come in flocks. Meaning, we can go for months without anyone expressing the slightest interest and then as soon as one finally does--bam! So are a few more. And it's not like the men are out there consulting with one another about it (or maybe they are? lol) but it is so weird how it seems to happen that way. Maybe it's our pheromones or whatever. But the point is, it happens. Yet, we often will pick one and try to make something happen with him. Why do we do that? It's just conversation and at most, holding hands and slow dancing! No one is getting married so why do we kick others to the curb while trying to make something happen with one? Chances are, when we do that, by the time we figure out things aren't going to work out with the "chosen" one, the others have probably lost interest.

There is also a point in the book where she refers to a friend of hers who has a remarkable gift for keeping men as friends or networking contacts if she doesn't see them as boyfriend/relationship material. I have always tried to do exactly that! In fact, of all the men I've dated since my divorce and even including my ex-husband, I can only think of TWO that I am not on friendly terms with at the moment. One was an abusive relationship I ended by having him thrown in jail. Not surprising he doesn't want to be friends! lol (I don't either) and the other, well, I don't know what the problem is there. I tried to stay friendly but I guess when he figured out I wouldn't tolerate his bullshit, he decided to cut all ties. That's fine, too. I really don't want immature people in my life in any capacity, not even as a networking contact!  But the remainder, I still consider friendly acquaintances if not actual friends. I may not talk to them often but we generally smile at each other or even hug if we happen to run into each other. I would love to see more people be able to behave that way. You know--like adults! Again, I digress.

So if you're single, you should definitely add this book to your list. In fact, bump it up to the top!

Cheers!

OCD is not fun…

Although I’ve never actually been diagnosed with OCD, I’m teased about my OCD-like behavior a lot!

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), and behaviors that drive them to do something over and over (compulsions).

Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts. But this only provides short-term relief. Not doing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety and distress.

People with OCD have repeated thoughts, urges, or mental images that cause anxiety. These are called obsessions.

Yes, I definitely fit the description! Let’s see how much…

Examples are:

·         Excessive fear of germs No, this is not me although I do like things on my desk, in my house, in my car and on my body CLEAN.

·         Forbidden thoughts related to sex, religion, or harm to others or self Nah. I only think about harming myself or anyone else when I’m REALLY mad and that almost never happens since I’ve been on some kind of mood enhancer. When I was going through cancer treatment, the radiation cancelled out my mood meds and I did have some destructive thoughts then. But fortunately I kept them mostly under control. Mostly.

·         Need for order Definitely. I cannot stand chaos or disorganization. Maybe there is a slight layer of dust on my furniture. But mess up my silverware drawer and you and I will fight in the yard!

They also perform repeated behaviors in response to their thoughts or obsessions. Examples include:

·         Checking and rechecking actions (such as turning out the lights and locking the door) Does continually checking your bank account to see the zero balance count for this?

·         Excessive counting I don’t have this one.

·         Ordering things in a certain way Oh my gosh, yes.

·         Repeatedly washing the hands to ward off infection Nah.

·         Repeating words silently Do the words “what the f---” mouthed several times a day count?

·         Praying silently over and over Definitely. How is this a bad thing?

Not everyone who has habits or rituals they like to perform has OCD. But, the person with OCD:

·         Is not able to control their thoughts or behaviors, even when they understand that they are excessive. Nope. Can’t control it.

·         Spends at least an hour a day on these thoughts or behaviors. Probably so, though I’ve never actually measured the time.

·         Does not get pleasure from performing a behavior or ritual, other than perhaps brief relief of anxiety. Yes, because once I complete one task, another one pops up to take its place or it isn’t long before the original task needs to be repeated.

·         Has major problems in daily life due to these thoughts and rituals. I don’t think I have MAJOR problems. I have had major problems in daily life but they were due to something else and just made the OCD worse.

People with OCD may also have a tic disorder, such as:

·         Eye blinking No.

·         Facial grimacing Does eye rolling and face scrunching count as grimacing? What’s the actual definition of a grimace?

·         Shoulder shrugging Many times a day. I’m trying to let irritations roll off me by shrugging. Hey, it has to be better than going off on someone that can ultimately, you know, fire you, evict you, etc.

·         Head jerking No.

·         Repeated clearing of the throat, sniffing, or grunting sounds I thought this was due to my allergies and dry mouth.

Well, the one about getting no satisfaction once a task is complete is definitely me. Because there is always another thing to do. For example, I was home sick on Monday. Nothing major. I’m still not sure if it was a stomach bug or the sugar free brownies and milk I ate. Or the fact that my stomach was in knots from nerves trying to transition off celexa and onto something natural that doesn’t require a prescription. I can’t get Celexa anymore because my doctor will not refill it until I come in to see her. I can go see her because I don’t have insurance or the $160 cash fee. Our health care system is ridiculous. But that’s a blog for another time. Anyway, Monday, I was sick.

But staying home trying to relax and rest is pointless for someone with OCD. As I’m lying around the house, I notice so many little things that need doing. My cabinet door on my TV armoire is coming apart; the carpet needs cleaning because two little dogs who have enjoyed me being home for 9 months have suddenly forgotten they are potty trained; the rail in my stairway has come off the wall—again; one of the said spoiled puppies seriously needs a haircut; the grass needs cutting; the bathrooms need cleaning—especially the light fixtures, they are so dusty; the throw pillows on the sofa need washing as do the rugs in the kitchen. I can’t sit and stare at these things that need doing. So I try to get a few done but as I complete one thing, then I notice something else and so onto that and so on and so forth and when I’m as done as I can be given that I’m running on less than a full tank of energy and a weak stomach, I’m still not satisfied. I’m just all the more stressed out because IF I were to ever get done with the “list” it would be time to start over! I just get so sick of having to do the same things over and over and over again. Grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. But I can’t let any of it slide because 1) I’m all I have. It’s ALL ON ME. 2) I would COMPLETELY FREAK OUT.

So I digress. If it weren’t a serious issue, it would be comical. And I try to laugh about it. But seriously, I can’t stand this.