Dating in your 40s

So even though I have decided for myself that dating just isn't practical right now--I need to find full-time employment, lose a little weight and finish my MBA--I have a few single friends that are also in their 40s+ and dating and we LOVE sharing hilarious stories. I'm not out here trying to "sell myself" (and I'm not referring to being a hooker--I mean, I am who I am. I'm not here to convince someone else to like me. You either do or you don't and I'm fine either way.)

One friend and I have actually talked to the same person at different times but his behavior hasn't changed. He's all interested in a relationship. Very intelligent, well-spoken and has a very good job. But he has this habit of disappearing. He'll talk and text for several days in a row and then all of a sudden, you won't hear from him for several days--even months. Dude, get a clue. Women aren't clingy (most of us anyway) but if you really want someone in your life, this is not acceptable.

Another friend phoned me the other day wanting to know about someone I dated several years ago for another friend that was interested in him. Well, I don't recommend him but I have dated worse, Lord knows so Godspeed, my friend! He seems to have difficulty holding a job. He's a bit over-confident and is stuck on someone from high school. He also tends to drink a lot but who am I to judge that?  He's also, shall we say, challenged, in certain areas. Because I like to keep my blogs PG, that's all I will say. No, he's not bad in bed--that's not what I mean. I won't offer a comment on that. But he just wasn't for me. But again, one woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

Then there are the married guys. I shouldn't even have to explain why this is a no no. I learned that lesson a LONG time ago. Guys, I'm so sorry you're not getting along with your wife. I'm sorry she's let herself go, won't give you sex, has gotten boring, etc. Maybe you've also let yourself go or maybe not. Maybe you're not being the best husband you can be or maybe you are. Maybe it's no one's fault or maybe it is. It doesn't matter. YOU ARE MARRIED. End of story. Make it work or earn your way out. Get counseling and do everything you can possibly do to make it work until you've exhausted every last measure. Take it from a divorced person--divorce is NOT the easy way out. It's 10,000 times more painful and more difficult than you can ever imagine. Especially when there are kids involved. And once you take that step, there is NOTHING you can do to undo the damage you cause. Just do not go there. I don't care what you've done or what she's done. Fix it. Fix it now and stop.

And even if you're "separated" or in the process of getting a divorce--stop trying to date someone else until there's a resolution there. Believe me, you're just complicating matters for everyone.

All of this also applies if you're living with someone. I don't care if she's "on the couch", "in a separate bedroom" or what. You're still together. So just stop. If you're horny, take a cold shower. Or a hot one if you get my drift. Again, trying to keep it PG here.

Of course, the unemployed guys aren't any better. Now, I myself have been unemployed for 7 months but until just recently, I had resources and income (and now that I don't, guess what--I'm off the market!) And if you're homeless that's even worse. Do not enter into a relationship just to have somewhere to live. While it's a woman's general nature to nurture and take care of our man, we don't want to support you. If you can't at least pull your own weight, WAIT until you can before you try to get a girlfriend. By the way, ladies talk and we refer to you as HOBOSEXUAL behind your back. And ladies, this goes for you, too. You'll have much higher self esteem if you DON'T need a man to take care of you! And if the relationship goes bad, you won't have to think twice about getting out because you're financially dependent on him.

And if you're looking for a "friends with benefits" type of relationship, personally, I think you're crap. It's definitely not for me. It's actually not for most women because we aren't biologically built that way. To put it bluntly and matter-of-factly, when a woman has sex, her body releases a hormone that causes her to bond with that individual.  Those of you who are believers, this is why it's important for people to break "soul ties" once a relationship is over and why the Bible cautions us against sex before marriage in the first place.  But I have known a few men and women that this type of relationship does seem to work for so hey, knock yourself out. But be upfront about it. And if she tells you she's not into that, take her word for it. Don't continue to see her thinking she'll change her mind. And ladies, likewise, don't think you'll change his mind either. If he tells you that's all he has to give, believe him.

Ladies, we have to set standards for ourselves and keep reminding ourselves what our standards are before we even meet someone. Otherwise, we'll be tempted to compromise and while some compromise is okay, you need to define what I call "dealbreakers". Just to give you an example, here are some of mine;

1) If a man is not a Christian. Now, I don't expect a man to be perfect. I can tolerate a few curse words, some moderate alcohol consumption and missing church once in a while. But I'm talking fundamental beliefs. Do not be unequally yoked. If you're Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Atheist, etc. I'm not going to date you.

2) Smokers. Now I have on occasion dated a few men that smoked Marlboro lights but they were fanatical about not smoking in the house or in the car or in my presence. I never smelled cigarettes on them so it was okay. But if you, your clothing, your house or your car reeks of Winstons, Camels or reds, please stay away.

3) Single. We've covered this. Completely single.

4) Employed or retired. We've covered this also.

5) Kids.  If they're older kids or grown, that's fine. I can live with that as long as you don't have baby mama drama. I can handle nieces, nephews, grandchildren but I've raised my kids and I don't want to raise anymore. Now is the time for me and my significant other to go on trips, do things we enjoy and spend time with family when we want to. I don't want to plan my schedule around school and activities anymore.

6) Must love dogs. My dogs were here first and I plan to have more. If you don't like dogs in the house, stay out of mine.

Now beyond "dealbreakers" there are preferences. I PREFER a Bama fan but I can handle a fan of another team as long as he's not obnoxious. I prefer clean shaved but a nicely trimmed goatee is okay. I prefer someone that takes care of himself. No, you don't have to look like Shemar Moore (although that would be nice) since I don't look like Jennifer Lopez but you need to at least put forth some effort towards your health. Actually, I may need to move that one to "dealbreaker".

So why is it so hard? I get asked that by friends all the time. Hey, men and women are just different. But usually in a good way. I think the key to happiness is to be happy with yourself first. Know who YOU are. Be who you are and don't try to be someone you're not just to attract a mate. Be willing to go it alone and not whine so much about it. I know sometimes it can get lonely. But being lonely is better than being with the wrong person, believe me. I believe that when we are happy with ourselves then we attract what we need and want naturally. That's just my opinion.

Have a blessed evening!

Change can come suddenly

So I'm sitting here on a Friday afternoon blogging when I should be doing so many other things. Working on my Capstone Project and writing a paper for another class for one. Job hunting for another. Exercising, cleaning, crafting...any number of things.

But my soul is practically screaming at me, "Write! You need to resume writing." So I guess I have things I need to get out. Speak and release.

It's been seven months since I lost my job and my unemployment has just run out. I estimated it to last until June but apparently I was way off in that estimate. I'm also out of financial aid and tax refund. To say that I am worried and scared is an understatement. I haven't been wasteful. Though there are probably some things I could've done without. Again, I was expecting a few more weeks of benefits, at least. I also haven't been sitting on my ass. I have applied for more than a few hundred positions. I've been on several interviews. For whatever reason, I'm not getting hired. I don't know if it is because I'm close to getting my MBA and they think I won't stay there long before I'm onto something bigger and better which is not necessarily the case or what the reason is. The interviews always go very well, seemingly. But here I am, still unemployed.

I am trying to trust God but I have bills to pay. I have had friends offer to help but they can't pay my bills nor do I expect them to.  I honestly do not know what will happen. I would hate to give up the home I've had for 5 years and have finally just gotten it situated the way I like it. I would hate to lose my car. But I keep reminding myself that no matter what happens, God is still God and He is still in control. And I know He has a plan and a purpose for me. That is all I can do right now, is claim that promise.

I also ended a relationship and a friendship recently. The relationship actually ended the day before Valentine's Day. We were attempting to remain friends but sadly that did not work out. He was talking to me hatefully on social media but texting me privately even thought he had been told numerous times I would not be his dirty little secret. Finally, I could no longer allow his public disrespect of me to continue so I stopped answering. I knew I would not get an apology. What I got was anger in the form of being ignored and deleted.  That's fine, too. I know my value and I will not settle for less. I can't respect anyone that treats others that way, let alone ME.

I did have a "date" with someone else and thought it went well. But I guess he did not feel the same. Oh well. I wish him the best anyway. Good guy.

I think all that tells me that God wants me to concentrate on other things (like school and job) instead of romantic relationships and I can live with that.

I'm counting down on the last six weeks of school. I feel overwhelmed with this Capstone Project. I'm attempting to do a business plan for a unique fitness center and I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew! I know I will get it done. I just hold myself to such high standards when it comes to grad school. I have not received a grade of less than a B the entire time!

The kids are doing well and for that I am grateful. I just need God to show up and show out for my job situation and I will be content. I'm trying to be content anyway.

Blessings!