Untitled

I could title this post many things...Hell, My Descent Into Hell, Blessings in the Midst of Hell...

You get the idea. I'm trying to stay positive but it's so very difficult when I feel like I'm swallowing razor blades!

As soon as I got a little bit of energy back and went back to work, the pain started. And Oh. Em. Gee!  I made it to Friday thinking I could rest my throat over the weekend but after Monday and waking up constantly throughout the night I had to say, "Enough!"

I have lost my voice completely so I had my mom call the doctor to tell them I quit. Naturally, that didn't go over very well. And the cynical side of me is thinking, "Yeah, they are pissed about the money they'll lose if I don't finish."  We asked if I could take a break and heal up and they said no because radiation has a build up effect. So I said well, I hope I'm all built up because I am done. Well, then they relented a little bit. The doctor asked us to come in, get some IV fluids and discuss a few options.

They doubled my pain meds for starters but I don't know how in the world I'm supposed to function at work on this much pain med. I make enough mistakes as it is because I'm still very new at my job and the powers that be don't have a lot of patience for mistakes. I could take a leave of absence. But it would be unpaid and while it wouldn't kill me, I'd rather not unless I absolutely have to. And doubling the pain med really doesn't help much with the pain. It just knocks me out.

And all this time I had been thinking they got all the cancer that this was just a precaution in case there was something microscopic when low and behold she informs me that I have several high risk factors for the cancer to return. It had actually spread to one of the lymph nodes outside the parotid gland. That was the first time I'd heard that. So the cynical side of me is thinking, yeah, right, you're making this up. Why haven't I heard it before?

She told me,  "I know you're tying to keep working and all but I'm trying to keep you around for your kids and future grandkids. I would not push for this treatment if it were not absolutely necessary."

So then she suggests that I get the feeding tube because if I have some nutrition going in, I'll feel much better and be able to fight off the pain or at least tolerate it. And after I get the tube in, I'm going to resume radiation at a lower dose because I've lost so much weight.  So I'm going in tomorrow for the feeding tube and will probably have to stay overnight. I am going to miss Brooke's game and I am NOT AT ALL happy about that. I may not be the best mom in the world but I haven't missed much where my kids are concerned and it's absolutely killing me to miss even ONE game of her SENIOR year.

Having a feeding tube put in, even though it's a procedure done many times a day at hospitals around the country, carries its own risks. There's always a chance of infection, them nicking something somewhere, etc. etc.

So I've faced the issue of my own mortality a lot lately. I'm not afraid of dying itself. I know where I'm going. And while there are still many things I would like to do, I did do way more than I ever thought I would so I'm okay with that. What worries me about dying is my kids, friends and family I will leave behind. I think it would shatter Kayti's and my mom's faith beyond repair. They both already struggle with those things and I am afraid they would see my death as God slapping them in the face once again.

So if I do die and they read this later, please know that God did not do this because He is mad at you, me or anybody. Maybe He decided to take away my pain and spare me from something bigger on down the road. Maybe I have fulfilled my purpose on Earth and it's just time. I don't know. None of us ever can. That's why they call it faith. Believe me when I say that I love you all so very much and have been blessed WAY beyond what I deserve. It's okay to  be mad at Him. God understands anger. That's the way He made us. But let Him also comfort you and don't turn your back on him  because I want to see you again one day. Maw Maw and I will be waiting!

And as morbid as some of you might think, I have planned out my living will and dream funeral in my head so I may as well put it in writing:

If I'm in a vegetative state, I'm not living. If there is absolutely no chance of me ever regaining use of my brain, if I'll never breathe on my own again, let me go. I don't want to starve to death but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. Find a way.

I do NOT want to be buried. Donate any and all body parts that can possibly be of use to someone else. Cremate the rest. And since it's not "legal" you'll have to sneak my ashes down to the Gulf! It's the best place on earth and I have always thought it would be neat to be a mermaid! I'd rather this be a private thing. My family, kids, their dad and just a few close friends.

But everyone else--throw a party! Eat lots and lots of great food! Drink and be merry (just don't drive home--it's not your time yet!) and dance your tails off!

If Michael is available and willing, I'd like him to sing. Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel), Time of Your Life (Green Day), In My Life (Beatles). I'd also like Michele Willis to sing Place of Freedom, Flawless and Holy Spirit (you are welcome here).

I do want someone to offer some encouragement. I doubt Pastor Chris would be available but Steve Blair re-baptized me a few years ago and so has a special place in my heart even though I don't know him well. And I've always adored Michele's husband Ernie. Layne, Hamp or any of the others at Highlands are fine as is Dane Hays and Demetrius Hicks who became a good friend during LIFE a few years ago.

If the kids want to do a slide-show, that's fine. If anyone else wants to share--good, bad, or ugly--that's fine, too. You guys know I've always been an open book so go for it! I've been blessed by so many people in my life. I hope they all know how much they mean to me.  I hope my family knows how much I love them, especially my three kids. You made my life so wonderful! There are no words. I'm watching over you so make YOUR life wonderful now!

Love you all so very much!

Almost halfway

and wishing it was over already!

It's Labor Day and I have been in bed since Friday night! I can't eat anything without throwing up. I have tried everything: pudding, baked potato, mac and cheese, refried beans--it all makes me want to puke.

I hate to sound whiny but since I'm hungry and I'm whiny when I'm hungry, there ya go! I know young children, even babies and others go through much worse and my hat is off to them because I'm struggling with the idea of stopping treatment. They got it all during surgery (or so they say)--this is supposed to be in case there is something microscopic. How much torture does it take to get rid of something microscopic?

It has burnt up my throat and caused sores all over because guess what? They didn't think to ask if I had metal fillings. Duh. What person over 30 doesn't? So the radiation has been pinging off the metal and making it worse. Finally, we got that under control with some beeswax and lidocaine mouthwash but I can't taste anything and the things I can swallow feel like big lumps of snot trying to slide down my throat. I can only handle a few bites of ramen at a time. Good thing it's cheap. I don't even like the taste of tea or coke and definitely no coffee. Even powerade I can't finish.  About the only thing I can finish is water or carnation instant breakfast. And that is getting so old.

Before all this I did get to the beach for a few days with my awesome friends. I tried to eat but I couldn't taste it so I definitely didn't finish. Oh how I miss food!

I'm trying not to get dehydrated but I won't be surprised if I have to get an IV or two before it's all over with. And I cannot wait for it be all over with!