Humbled...

*sigh*

I don't even know where to begin. I am always always thankful for everything that I have been blessed with--the grace of God, a good, hardworking husband, three great kids who are healthy enough to drive me nuts at times, a wonderful mom, dad, sisters and extended family, great in-laws, good friends, a nice, clean comfortable home, two paid for dependable cars, the freedom to homeschool, etc.

And yet there are times when I worry. Worry that we'll be able to meet all our financial obligations, ever EVER get out of debt, provide our kids with the things they need and a few things they want, that Jeff's health will remain stable. And sometimes I wonder..wonder if I'll ever do some of the things I long to do--mission work, foster care, publish a book, move out to the country and get a few things my husband really wants.

For a long time, I've had an ache in my heart to have another baby or be a surrogate for a childless couple or foster or adopt or something REALLY important. Yes, I know being a mom to the three I have is really important and for now, I'm content that that is God's plan for me. He would have to work so many miracles for us to be able to do any of the other things I long to do and I know that He can if that's His will for me. So I'm trying to be patient and content and yet wondering why I keep focusing so much of my internal energy on this issue. Is this God's way of preparing me? Or the devil's way of torturing me?

Anyway, this morning I visited the blog of someone I know with a child who is battling cancer. Then I visited the blog of another teenager who is still recovering from a serious car accident six months ago. Both hit so close to home for me. I've never personally known a child with cancer but so many of my close family members have fallen victim to it. I can't imagine a child going through that same ordeal. And as I slowly prepare for my oldest to hit the dangerous roads, I shudder to think that in a moment, we could be dealing with a serious injury or an indescribable loss. I don't think I could live without one of my babies.

So why can't I just be happy for now while they are healthy and safe? Why do I covet things that simply aren't practical for us right now? Maybe it's to keep me caring about others..?

I just pray that God will continue to grant me the wisdom to FULLY realize how richly blessed I am and a feeling of peace and contentment. But also that He will continue to make me keenly aware of the needs of others and a genuine desire to help, not for my glory but for His.