updates and random thoughts

I know, I know, this is long overdue!

To begin with, I lost my job April 5. I loved that job and I hated losing it. I had sort of an idea that it was going to happen a few weeks prior. I did what I could to prevent it. But it happened and I got a month of severance and a good reference so I guess it wasn't a total waste of time. Live and learn. Some people just can't be satisfied. In fact, no one that I worked with there is still there. One was let go. The other resigned. What comes around goes around. I've made my peace with it.

I've been on many interviews, sent out many resumes. So far, I have a temporary assignment coming up this week and several "clients" for my cleaning service. I wanted to do a few out of desperation but wound up with a whole new business for myself! I'm just praying my way through this next month.

I did apply to graduate school. Beginning in the Fall I will be working towards my MBA at the University of North Alabama.

Everything else is going well. I've been on a few dates. The kids are gearing up for recital and the end of another school year. Kayti will be taking the ACT again in June and hoping to score high enough for a scholarship to Alabama. Dylan is doing fabulously! Working full-time and just finished up his sophomore year at 'bama! Brooke made colorguard for the upcoming school year, was in the Spring musical and has signed up for all advanced courses in the Fall.

I'm still trying to lose weight and get in shape but my knees keep giving me trouble. I guess it's time for more shots!

Guess that's all!

The crazy world of dating!

I know I need to do an update--a lot has happened since my last post. Some good, some bad. But I'm still collecting my thoughts on a lot of it so I've been putting it off....

...and will continue to do so while I attempt a little satire!

Dating. Where do I begin?

Yes, I realize I'm 43 and joined the dating game about halfway through the 5th inning. I also know all told I've only been in maybe an inning. I'm no star athlete. But I've held my own and have had fun.

But some of these people I go up against....it's obvious why they haven't been picked for a team yet and they'll be free agents for a LONG time if they keep it up!

I take rejection in stride. Whether it's a romantic relationship, friendship, job, whatever, I don't take it personally. And even the few times I DO get my feelings a little hurt, I get over it quickly. I believe in attraction--physically, emotionally, intellectually--and I believe in chemistry. If it isn't there, you can't force it. Believe me, I tried the last few years of my marriage!

That's not to say that a relationship can survive ONLY on chemistry, hence why the relationship following my marriage didn't work. But I believe it DOES have to exist as something to build from.

I've had a lot of great dates, friendships, relationships, whatever you want to call them since then and it's all been good.

Until today.

I met him on the Plenty of Fish website. Now, I tried this website once before--the summer following my divorce. The experience was not good. All I ever encountered were men looking for a hookup or a friends with benefits type relationship. No, thanks. I can do that on my own.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year and my friend, Jenny has has a lot of great dates from match.com. So I decided to give it a try. I had some great dates as well. Nothing serious but I'm not really looking for that anyway. Then my account got deleted and I have yet to figure out how, why or get it fixed. Not wanting to pay another fee to another site, I went back on POF since it's free.

I had a few decent conversations as well as the usual vulgar messages that let you know right away why they are single! But then I get this message from this guy I'll call Marcus. The first conversation went really well. I couldn't tell much from the picture but having dated men of all physical attributes, I decided to give it a chance.

Almost as soon as I agreed to the date, I started to regret it. He was never inappropriate but he got creepy all the same, making statements like, "Please don't back out", "I would love it if you persuaded me to get off this site" and persistently requesting to come meet me BEFORE our agreed upon date and time.

I decided to stick with it. So I met him today for coffee. Or so I thought. As soon as I got there, I knew I wouldn't be attracted to him physically. But he seemed nice enough and hey, what's one more friend?

But he would not shut up! I swear we talked for an HOUR before he ever asked me the first thing about myself. Can you say "narcissistic"?

The difference between most narcissistic people and this guy was that MOST narcissistic people make themselves sound better than they actually are. Not him! So at least he's an honest narcissist! Or maybe a pessimistic narcissist!

When I finally did get to talk, almost everything I said was bashed! He wasn't mean about it, but very annoying. He declared himself an expert theologian and began to argue with me that my church was NOT non-denominational and that we were over the top, not biblically accurate, etc.

And as if trashing my church wasn't bad enough, then he moved to my Tide! You know I'm thinking "Aww heck no!" It wouldn't really have been an issue except for the WAY he went about it.

I finally got up and left and thanked him for the conversation. I get home, check my email and there's one from him wanting to see me again!

Seriously, dude? You think it went THAT well? No wonder you're single--you have no gauge on how annoying you are.

The bestie said I should have told him were to go. And also tell him he talks too much and is too negative.  But trying to turn my life around and follow the Lord, I decided to be polite. I just said that my church and my football team are two VERY important  things in my life and IF I ever decide to be in a relationship with anyone, I want it to be someone that I can share those two things with.

Somethings I will "agree to disagree" on. But some things are dealbreakers!

So my question to all the men out there...if you're not having any success, do you ever sit and wonder what you're doing wrong? And if so, do you want to know?

updates

Not sure where to begin...

Most people know about Kayti's ordeal so I'm not going to go into details about that here. Just know that it has been a VERY stressful past few weeks since my last post. Hopefully things are settling down a little bit. Thank you for your prayers, messages, help and concern. We have a long road ahead.

As for everything else, well, when one aspect of your life is troubled, sometimes it's inevitable that the others will follow. After having a few good dates, things in that area seem to have fizzled. But that's okay. My primary focus--until I meet my Mr. Big--is my kids and myself anyway. I'm too busy to focus on anyone that I'm not absolutely crazy about and so far, I haven't met anyone that I think it going to be my Big. That's not to say they aren't great guys or could be Big. But so far, I don't feel that they are and they don't seem to make much of an effort to be either. Maybe I'm just not their Carrie. And like I said, that's okay.

I still love my bosses, coworkers and job but it has been a bit stressful lately with everything else going on. I'm nowhere near ready to throw in the towel. It's still by far one of the best jobs I've ever had. I just have to step up my game a little more and I will.

My boss wants me to join Toastmasters, a public speaking club, to help me improve my communication skills and minimize my accent and so I will be checking that out this week. I've also been reading Annuities for Dummies but honestly, it's not teaching me very much that he hasn't already.

I negotiated with my landlord for some upgrades and a new lease so we will be staying here for at least another 24 months. I love my neighbors, neighborhood and now that things are getting updated, I love my townhouse. And so the major redecoration has begun. I painted my furniture and got a slipcover for my ugly but well-built Ethan Allan sofa. As soon as I see what my new kitchen floor is going to look like, I will start to work on the cabinets and countertops. And of course, the girls want their room redone and that will be no easy feat. But I've really enjoyed looking at different ideas on pinterest. I wish that I could do them all!

I've also been trying to be more of a "normal girl" by paying more attention to fashion, shoes and makeup. The makeup  have no problem with but shoes and fashion I find very challenging. I would much rather DO something or GO somewhere than spend that money on something to wear. But I have managed to make very good use of pinterest, fashion mags and the thrift store! Poppin' tags is my new phrase!

I chickened out on the mud run yesterday and I feel terrible. But it was storming and after hearing that tornado go through here last year, I've gotten to be a little scared of storms. Maybe next time.

My weight loss and fitness routine plateaued with everything else going on the last few weeks but I'm determined to get back on the proverbial horse starting tomorrow (since it'snot acceptable to begin anything any other day of the week haha)! I haven't gained anything back, I just haven't lost any more in a few weeks. That's cool--as long as I don't go backwards.

But I am brown as a berry now! I know, I know, tanning is NOT good for me but I am sticking with my original motto--everything in moderation. And tan fat still looks better than white fat!

Mom is not doing well and she won't go to a doctor. Please pray for her and pray for the rest of us as well as we have to deal with her stubborn self! I hate her being in so much pain. And it's very frustrating when she won't do anything about it.

Please also pray for Jeff's grandmother who is still in the hospital with various things. She's 90! And regardless of how things are with me and him, his grandparents have always been very dear to me. I miss his granddad deeply. They are/were very genuine, true Christian people and I love them dearly.

That's about it. Have a blessed week!

Why is it?

Why is it that once you finally recover from the flu and feel like resuming workouts, you subsequently twist your ankle!?

Why is it that when I buy new jeans/pants, I'm DOWN a size (in some stores TWO) but still can't get into my old stuff?

Why is it that teenagers are so self centered and emo? (ha, that's a timeless question!)

Why is it that when you are NOT interested or attracted to someone, it's YOUR fault that their life is a mess?

Why is it that ex husbands, no matter how great they are in some respects, can still be complete asses about other things?

Why is it in the dating world, men constantly talk about how they hate games and drama and generally accuse women of it when in fact, it's THEM that create a great deal of it?

Why is it that people will tell you one thing and then do a complete 180 and have a ready made excuse?

Why is it that when you find someone you are completely compatible and attracted to, everything else is a mess?

These are just thoughts I've had recently! No, I'm not depressed or upset or mad or anything. Everything is quite fabulous actually...for the most part! LOL

I'm still enjoying my job, my friends, my workouts, trying to get some personal goals (fitness and academic) accomplished, making plans to move and/or redecorate and I've begun dating again and it's been fun this time! This is what it's all about and I think I'm finally at a place where I'm fine alone and am free to enjoy someone else's company when I WANT to!

Do I ever think about having a "relationship" in the sense that most people think of one? Well, sure.    But I'm still weighing the pros and cons. I'm quite certain that if I ever fell head over heels again for someone I wouldn't hesitate. But in a lot of ways I'm still very guarded. Someone is going to have to make a HUGE effort for that to happen. But I have met some VERY interesting and good-looking men. I don't know that any are "the one" (if in fact "the one" is out there) yet, we'll see. But I absolutely love meeting new people, getting to know them and being fascinated by hearing their experiences.

And yes, the physical is a lot of fun, too! Not that I hop into bed with everybody. Just kissing and being close with someone is nice sometimes. I love men. And though I don't consider myself to have a "type"--I've dated dark hair, blonde hair, no hair; brown eyes, green eyes, blue eyes; short, tall; fit and a few extra pounds--I've learned that I love a certain smell of a man (and it doesn't have to be any particular "cologne" or anything, just a nice smell). I love their weight and the force of them when they are next to or touching me. I love the soft lips of a good kisser (and good breath). I love the curves of their backs and a clean shaved neck. I love the touch of their hands in mine or on me. I love their laughter, their smiles, their facial expressions. I love talking to them and catching a glimpse of the little boy inside. I just love men! Even when they get on my last nerve!

Why is that?

Getting kicked in the butt and discipline!

Nothing like getting a good kick in the butt by ol' influenza to make you stop, slow down, do a little reflecting and ultimately a blog will materialize!

I have been going going going like the Energizer Bunny for the longest time and it's been exhilarating! My job is going fabulously and I love it! Love what I do, who I work for...it's absolutely amazing and so weird to work for and with people I not only enjoy being around but actually respect. I feel valued and it's new to me. But it's wonderful! And about time! It truly is motivating and I'm doing the best I can to keep up and learn as much as I can as fast as I can. I'm not only wanting to get licensed but I'm also thinking once again about the old MBA! Just trying to decide if it will be a good financial investment given I'm already carrying a large amount of student loan debt and how much value will it add towards my career. Where do I see myself in 5 years?  Well, I know I'll still be working! And most likely in the same industry. As far as for the same company goes, that depends on what they decide to do with it. If they are still around, I plan on still being there serving in whatever capacity they feel like using me. I do NOT see myself starting my own firm or business in any way. I'm just not cut out for it. I'll manage one, but I don't want the risk or responsibility. At least that's the way I feel about it right now. And I'm about to get into the reason.

Discipline. That's my number one problem with ANYTHING in my life.

Persona Finance--I KNOW what to do. I can manage your money for you, look at your situation, tell you exactly what you should change, keep the same, etc. etc. And I can tell my own self the very same thing. But it's like Dave Ramsey says--personal finance is only 50% knowledge and 50% personal behavior. It's the last part that kills me. Every time. I've gotten MUCH better about it over the last several years. I no longer spend more than I make. But I'm still not a disciplined saver like I would like to be. Baby steps.

Weight Loss and Fitness--Again, I KNOW what to do. I know what foods to eat and what to avoid. I know all about portion control and exercise and the timing of everything. I know about vitamins and drinking lots of water, etc. etc. But having the discipline to do it is another story. Again, I've gotten better. I've installed checks and balances to hold myself accountable and have enlisted mentors to encourage me and have even become a mentor to a few others. Hey, you ever want to help yourself, try helping others! It makes you want to do the right thing because people are watching you!

Prayer Bible Study--And yet again, I KNOW what to do. I know God longs to spend time with me every day and he wants my first fruits, not just whenever I find it convenient or am needing Him in some way. And He knows, ONLY He knows how many times He has allowed me to suffer my own consequences and tested me to SHOW me how much I need Him. And I don't mean to make it sound like a burden. I relish my daily talks with God just as much as I relish my daily talks with my mom or my children. But I'm human and my flesh is easily distracted. So God usually ends up with my leftovers. I'm also getting better at this. I go to bed most nights with His name on my lips and usually when I do, it's still there when I wake in the mornings. I've reminded myself when I wake at night, it's usually because I need to pray for someone and so I do. I try to spend time with people who already have the habits I want to cultivate in myself and I watch them and try to do what they do.

On these things, I imagine I will always be a work in progress. And I'm okay with that, just knowing I'm doing my best. But it's this utter lack of discipline that causes me to realize I CANNOT be successful at running a business FOR MYSELF. I need the accountability. I need for someone to hold me to a higher standard than I hold for myself sometimes. So I will always be working for someone and I'm okay with that--as long as it's someone I respect. I have learned over the years of many jobs and many experiences that personalities, while they can be improved on, cannot fundamentally be changed. The pieces have to fit or the puzzle isn't going to work. You can't force it, if you're an employer you just have to find the right pieces and if you're an employee, you just have to find the right puzzle! And I am pretty certain that I finally have. :)

I have not updated in a while. Still no internet and I’ve been very busy at work trying to reacquaint myself with the financial world and learning what my responsibilities are. But I’m liking it a lot. I seem to fit in well at this place and I’m excited about the future of my career.

We had Christmas as usual, Christmas Eve at my mom’s first and then at Jeff’s apartment since it was technically his year to have the kids for Christmas. Everything went well and I especially enjoyed having Dylan home for awhile. We went to Mia’s Christmas morning to see what Santa brought the little ones. Everyone was starting to get sick with stomach bug and croup but the little ones are still so much fun. And good heavens they got so many toys! I kind of miss that part of Christmas—staying up late decorating Barbie houses and putting together bicycles and other various things. It seemed to make it last longer. My teenagers now tear through their gifts in a matter of minutes and it’s over. But they are still equally excited so I’m happy.

New Year’s sucked. Kayti’s boyfriend ended up staying with us from December 27 till New Years Day because he got kicked out of his apartment (long story that I’m not sure I’m even hearing in it’s entirety so I’ll spare you the drama) but the kid apparently has no family that is worth a shit so I felt sorry for him and told him he could sleep on the couch but I made it clear to both of them that he was NOT moving in and so he’d better make other arrangements as soon as possible.

He seems to be really trying to get his life together and he makes Kayti happy. I really struggled with deciding to let him stay and went against the advice of both Jeff and my mother. But what kind of Christian am I if I didn’t? I’m trying desperately to get my daughter to come back to God as well as show him that not all Christians are the kind you typically hear about.

On the flip side, what kind of mother lets her 16 yo daughter’s boyfriend move in? Fortunately, he did find somewhere else  to go so it was a non-issue.

But New Year’s Eve  I was just in an awful funk. I was very depressed and said and did some things I shouldn’t have with regards to the reasons for my divorce. I know I shouldn’t have drug the kids into that but sometimes it just really weighs on me—everyone thinking Jeff is /was such a saint. He IS a great guy, don’t get me wrong and there is absolutely no excuse for what I did. I’m still coming to terms with exactly why it all happened. But the fault doesn’t rest entirely on my shoulders and as much as I hate to hurt anyone else, especially the kids, sometimes, like I said, it’s just very tough to carry the entire burden.

I got okay after a few days and I’m trying very hard to move on. It’s not that I want to reconcile so much as I just feel in limbo sometimes. I’ve always been a planner and the unknown is a little scary. Exciting but intimidating also.

Sometimes the best way that I know how to deal with all the thoughts and feelings I have about everything is through humor. Problem is, not everyone appreciates my kind of humor. I think I’ve irritated more than one friend with my cynicism. If you are one of those, please hear me:

I am so very happy for you. I am glad you have found the love or loves of your life and that all is going well. For some of you, you have waited a very long time for it to happen and I wish you nothing but the best. Please know that I love you dearly and I’m not jealous or bitter. I know exactly what you’re feeling and it IS amazing. I’m not sad that I haven’t found it yet because I have. I just let it go. So learn from me and don’t do that! Lol Sometimes knowing that for me it is no more DOES make me sad. Not angry, not bitter. Just sad. But I’m okay. I’m okay because I know that I have been blessed to experience in my lifetime what only a handful of people EVER do. I’m very grateful for that.

I used to be sad that it may never happen again but no more. I’m just sad because I miss it. If it never happens again, that’s fine. I’m feeling lately like I’m finally coming into my own and being happy by myself. And that may have been where I screwed up to begin with. One cannot be good for another person if they are no good being just themselves. And a huge part of my identity has always been as someone else’s wife and someone’s else’s mother. And while I’ll always be someone else’s mother, I now have the opportunity to find out who else I am. She’s slowly developing, this new person. I know many people will miss the old but she’s not completely gone either. What I’m hoping is that the parts that were no good are gone and that new will take it’s place. Maybe I’m getting a little too deep here but I think most of you understand what I mean. At any rate, I’m not in a hurry to be in a new relationship. I just want friendship, companionship and fun. I want to meet people who challenge me to be my best and people that I can learn from.  And I want to have a good time doing it.

There are so many things left for me to accomplish and I truly want to do it ON MY OWN.  So don’t feel sorry for me. And don’t let my warped sense of humor piss you off. Again, I love you and I’m happy if you’re happy.

So many thoughts...

yes, way past time for an update!!!

When I lost my job, the FIRST thing I let go was cable and internet. Despite what a lot of us think sometimes, including me, it IS a luxury and one we can manage to live without, even though it's frustrating sometimes, especially when looking for a job. That is why my blogging has been infrequent. Not that I dont have a lot to say! Ha, yall know better!

I am so amazed at how God has provided for us during the last month and how He has answered my prayers far above anything I could have imagined. It really is true that His plans for us are greater than our own dreams for ourselves! I'm still struggling a bit financially, especially with Christmas upon us but I am not pouting a bit! We are blessed so far beyond what we deserve and I am truly happy! And our money problems are only temporary as God has placed me with a WONDERFUL company!!!

Yes, I am back in the world of money, working for a financial consulting group! My bosses are a married couple and they are AMAZING!! So smart, so fun and so completely NORMAL! lol The two ladies I work with are equally awesome and I enjoy what I'm doing. It's a lot to learn and re-learn but I will get there quickly. It's also a lot of pressure at tims but hey...when I think of all I have been through and not just survived but THRIVED in my life, I KNOW I can handle it! I am beyond excited about this amazing opportunity to be in on the ground floor of an up and coming organization!

Yes, I knew when my boss cursed the second day I was there I was right at home. Not that I'm saying cursing is a good thing but hey...we all think it at times and it's such a relief to know I'm among like-minded people and I can just be myself!

Myself...yes, I am flawed. As much as I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God, as much as I pray, try to live right, go to church, read my Bible, etc., I fall so very short. I'm not going to pretend otherwise and no longer will I be around people who do. No longer will I be judged by them either. And that's all I'm going to say about that. I'm finally comfortable with who I am. I've found the right balance between what's in my head & heart and what I need to share about that. So if you have something negative to say about it, save it. I'm not hearing it anymore.

Everyone is doing well, the kids are out of school for a few weeks, Dylan is home for Christmas though he does still have to work in T-town some so we won't have him home as much as we did last year. But we are proud of him. Say what you want about me, say what you want about Jeff but we made and raised one FABULOUS kid and we did NOT use that love and logic crap with him! We used love, limits, boundaries and consequences and we were not afraid to come down on him hard when we needed to. Fortunately for us, we didn't have to very often.  And because we were consistent, he learned and has flourished!

My heart breaks for this wicked world we live in where someone can grow up thinking there are no consequences. There is no moral compass at all and empathy is being replaced with self-centeredness and thus leading to tragedies like Newton, Connecticut.

Yes, I realize I am more liberal than most. I don't believe most guns that are in existence are necessary. Do I think that the criminals will obey gun control laws? Absolutely not. Let's not be absurd. Guns are already out there and outlawing them only reduces safety, not increases. But I literally throw up in my mouth when I hear people arrogantly declare, "It's my right to have these guns." No, it's not. You ignorant fuck! You are so misreading the second amendment. You ARE NOT part of a militia! Maybe one day you will be.

It also sickens me that people compare guns to airplanes, cars or anything else having a USEFUL purpose. "Oh but I like to target shoot!" Target shoot for what purpose? So you will be better at KILLING something, whether it's an animal or another human. A gun's ONLY purpose is to kill. Am I against hunting? No. But do you honestly need an automatic or semi-automatic weapon to outsmart an animal? If so, you aren't very good at hunting! Ted Nugent uses a bow and arrow!

I know a lot of my friends disagree with me and I am BY NO MEANS saying we should attempt to round up all guns, melt them down and outlaw them. I myself, DO own a revolver that my dad gave me as protection against a certain psychopath. But I promise you, one shot is all I will need. And should I ever go off my meds and go crazy, I wont be able to kill nearly as many people as quickly as the Connecticut gunman was able to.

Disagree all you want. I will still love you! ;) But you won't change my mind anymore than I am likely to change yours. So get the hell over it.

Moving on to more cheerful topics....

I finally got started on my Christmas shopping yesterday and today, I'm done! I am so THANKFUL to have a family and to have raised children that know Christmas is about more than gifts because this year, from me especially, it's slim! But I'm glad to be able to get what I did. I'm looking forward not only to seeing my family Christmas Eve but to help my mom prepare tomorrow. She isn't getting around too well these days and my dad just had back surgery. He's doing well and I am optimistic that this has helped him a LOT! Now if we can find a doctor that will help mom....they are both way too young to have this degree of immobility.

I myself, have had a lot of knee pain lately. I'm not sure what happened with my last injections but they did not work so well. I know with my particular problem, it's a Catch-22. It hurts to move but the more I move, the better it will feel. That said, I need to start walking/running again. After the first of the year when I get caught up on stuff, I hope to be able to rejoin the Y and start swimming again in the mornings. That is really the best thing for me. But it will have to wait. Seems my entire life is a waiting game sometimes! I guess the Lord is trying to teach me patience. I'm trying to learn, Lord, I really am!

Hope each of you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Until next time, be blessed!