I have not updated in a while. Still no internet and I’ve been very busy at work trying to reacquaint myself with the financial world and learning what my responsibilities are. But I’m liking it a lot. I seem to fit in well at this place and I’m excited about the future of my career.

We had Christmas as usual, Christmas Eve at my mom’s first and then at Jeff’s apartment since it was technically his year to have the kids for Christmas. Everything went well and I especially enjoyed having Dylan home for awhile. We went to Mia’s Christmas morning to see what Santa brought the little ones. Everyone was starting to get sick with stomach bug and croup but the little ones are still so much fun. And good heavens they got so many toys! I kind of miss that part of Christmas—staying up late decorating Barbie houses and putting together bicycles and other various things. It seemed to make it last longer. My teenagers now tear through their gifts in a matter of minutes and it’s over. But they are still equally excited so I’m happy.

New Year’s sucked. Kayti’s boyfriend ended up staying with us from December 27 till New Years Day because he got kicked out of his apartment (long story that I’m not sure I’m even hearing in it’s entirety so I’ll spare you the drama) but the kid apparently has no family that is worth a shit so I felt sorry for him and told him he could sleep on the couch but I made it clear to both of them that he was NOT moving in and so he’d better make other arrangements as soon as possible.

He seems to be really trying to get his life together and he makes Kayti happy. I really struggled with deciding to let him stay and went against the advice of both Jeff and my mother. But what kind of Christian am I if I didn’t? I’m trying desperately to get my daughter to come back to God as well as show him that not all Christians are the kind you typically hear about.

On the flip side, what kind of mother lets her 16 yo daughter’s boyfriend move in? Fortunately, he did find somewhere else  to go so it was a non-issue.

But New Year’s Eve  I was just in an awful funk. I was very depressed and said and did some things I shouldn’t have with regards to the reasons for my divorce. I know I shouldn’t have drug the kids into that but sometimes it just really weighs on me—everyone thinking Jeff is /was such a saint. He IS a great guy, don’t get me wrong and there is absolutely no excuse for what I did. I’m still coming to terms with exactly why it all happened. But the fault doesn’t rest entirely on my shoulders and as much as I hate to hurt anyone else, especially the kids, sometimes, like I said, it’s just very tough to carry the entire burden.

I got okay after a few days and I’m trying very hard to move on. It’s not that I want to reconcile so much as I just feel in limbo sometimes. I’ve always been a planner and the unknown is a little scary. Exciting but intimidating also.

Sometimes the best way that I know how to deal with all the thoughts and feelings I have about everything is through humor. Problem is, not everyone appreciates my kind of humor. I think I’ve irritated more than one friend with my cynicism. If you are one of those, please hear me:

I am so very happy for you. I am glad you have found the love or loves of your life and that all is going well. For some of you, you have waited a very long time for it to happen and I wish you nothing but the best. Please know that I love you dearly and I’m not jealous or bitter. I know exactly what you’re feeling and it IS amazing. I’m not sad that I haven’t found it yet because I have. I just let it go. So learn from me and don’t do that! Lol Sometimes knowing that for me it is no more DOES make me sad. Not angry, not bitter. Just sad. But I’m okay. I’m okay because I know that I have been blessed to experience in my lifetime what only a handful of people EVER do. I’m very grateful for that.

I used to be sad that it may never happen again but no more. I’m just sad because I miss it. If it never happens again, that’s fine. I’m feeling lately like I’m finally coming into my own and being happy by myself. And that may have been where I screwed up to begin with. One cannot be good for another person if they are no good being just themselves. And a huge part of my identity has always been as someone else’s wife and someone’s else’s mother. And while I’ll always be someone else’s mother, I now have the opportunity to find out who else I am. She’s slowly developing, this new person. I know many people will miss the old but she’s not completely gone either. What I’m hoping is that the parts that were no good are gone and that new will take it’s place. Maybe I’m getting a little too deep here but I think most of you understand what I mean. At any rate, I’m not in a hurry to be in a new relationship. I just want friendship, companionship and fun. I want to meet people who challenge me to be my best and people that I can learn from.  And I want to have a good time doing it.

There are so many things left for me to accomplish and I truly want to do it ON MY OWN.  So don’t feel sorry for me. And don’t let my warped sense of humor piss you off. Again, I love you and I’m happy if you’re happy.