A new chapter and this time *I* am going to write it...

I'm just now at a point where I'm ready to talk about this. I thought seriously about NOT posting about it but I've never been one to shy away from letting the rest of the world see who I really am. I've ALWAYS owned up to my mistakes and imperfections and my sincere prayer is that my experiences will somehow help someone else.

Two weeks ago tomorrow, July 5 to be exact, I finally had a nervous breakdown. I dont even remember specifically the events that led up to the final blowout other than the usual stressors--no car, no money, trouble finding a decent job, mounting debt, my relationship with Craig, my smartmouth 13 year old, my strained relationship with my mother, lack of being able to do a lot of what I enjoy because of the first two reasons, the tremendous guilt I keep feeling over the last six months no matter how much I try to let it go, forgive myself, feel at peace, etc....

I vaguely remember arguing with Craig a few days before. I dont remember what about. I remember arguing with Jeff. I remember having to miss work for lack of transportation and finally I remember arguing with Brooke and almost choking her...I had to get away so I remember taking off down the street and I dont know how long I was gone but when I came back, the girls where gone to my moms. I remember arguing with my mother and arguing with Jeff some more and I remember feeling so desparate and so out of control...I remember feeling like I had ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over ANY aspect of my life and I wanted ONE THING I could control. I remember my head was pounding, my hurt was literally hurting physically and I just wanted the pain to stop. So I took an overdose of Tylenol. I dont even know exactly how much but I do know that I didn't want to kill myself--I just wanted the pain to stop and to have some control over SOMETHING.

But not long after I began to panic and I called Jeff and my mom and told them what I'd done. They, along with Dylan, talked me into going to Brookwood. After I was treated for the overdose I signed myself into the psych ward and I stayed there until Friday. I slept most of the time. They determined that the medicine I'd been taking for my chemical depression/anxiety was no longer working and so they switched it. The reaction I had to the switch was not good at first but after a few days, things began to level out.

Being there was NOT what I expected. My mother told me (and in her defense, she probably didnt know) that I would be able to talk to someone and they could help me figure a few things out. That is NOT how they are set up. They are there to keep you safe from yourself and to pass out the pills. I was there with a variety of people with a variety of problems. Some where like me--just having trouble managing stress and/or their medication needed adjusting. Some had gone off their anti-psychotic meds and boy was that ever scary! Some were suicidal. Some were delusional. I had a pretty decent roommate and met some interesting people. But since I wasn't getting the help I expected or needed (other than the switch in meds) I decided I wanted out. That wasn't hard to do. I just told them what they wanted to hear and I was released.

Sounds like I gave up and am not taking my recovery seriously but that's not true. I am following up with Eastside Mental Health to regulate my meds (now taking Celexa and Clonopin instead of Prozac) and began counseling through Oasis--a non-profit counseling service for women & children. They base fees on your income and so I only have to pay $15 per session. Today was my first and it went VERY well.

So yes, I am in "therapy". I am prefering at this point to call it "life coaching" because I am feeling a little bit better and I KNOW what needs to be done--I dont get a do over, I know that. All I can do is move forward and try to focus on a few things at a time instead of trying to figure it all out right NOW! My "life coach" is an excellent listener. She also made me feel a LOT better about the things going on in my life. All things considered, I'm actually doing pretty damn good. I dont know where I will land when it's all said and done but I DO know, I've managed to hold on to a job that I love (even though it doesn't pay very well), I've managed to maintain relatively good relationships with my children (the 13 yo is a typical 13 yo--I'm the one that needs to have more patience and more control), I've managed to provide them a home--maybe it's not the home I want or eventually will get--and I've managed to stay focused on their education. She said I need not feel like a TOTAL screw-up. I've done better than a lot of people would have and I will continue to do the best I can which is all I can do.

We discussed my relationship with Craig and I know in my head it's not a healthy one and I dont need to be in it. Yes, it's the same thing, my mom, Shari and SO MANY OTHERS have already told me. Hearing it from her doesnt necessarily mean that it's finally sunk in. I do still love him, very much. But I can't change him, he doesn't want to change himself and until he does, I can't subject myself and my kids to the constant pain. When it's good, it's the best (and I'm not just talking about sex) but when it's bad, it's hell. And I dont have the resources--emotional, mental or otherwise--to deal with it right now. He may very well be beyond help from anyone. I'll never turn my back on him completely...if he ever chooses to reach out and REALLY want help, I will be his friend. I can forgive a multitude of sins because I have been forgiven a multitude myself. So for now, that relationship (if it can even be called one) is on the backburner.

The things that are on the "plate" for now is:

1) concentrating on the job search. She gave me a list of resources to help me get focused and gain some momentum to push forward from the plateau I seem to have hit.

2) concentrate on building my savings for my own transportation. This is tied in very much so with the job search! But I also have a few ideas/leads/resources for that as well.

3) concentrate on my daughters' educational needs. We are going to continue to homeschool for now but without CORE. It's not ideal but it's the best we can do. Public school is simply NOT an option and neither is CORE due to the lack of financing. The goal is to next year get back into CORE or be moved to a location where public school is an option.

4) concentrate on positive relationships. First & foremost, my spiritual life. I desparately need my heavenly Father and I dont take for granted the blessings I DO have in my life. My prayer/meditation time needs to be the first thing I do every morning--just like it used to be. Second, I need to repair the damage I've done to the relationships with the people who've loved and supported me through all my crises. Sometimes it hasnt felt so much like "unconditional" love & support and maybe the only type that truly exists is from God. But I know whatever "conditions" they've put on me have been with the best of intentions and done for my own good.

5) focus my attention less on "dating" and more on just doing things I enjoy: reading, writing (three books, still in the works!) spending time with friends, painting, exercise

So that's the game plan! I know I've tried to make so many "new beginnings" in the last six months but this time, I actually FEEL like I'm getting one. And I AM in control of it!

Blessings,

car shopping sucks but my son is amazing!

So the Hardie Tynes and the State of Alabama finally saw fit to forward five weeks of child support onto me so yeah...I have a LITTLE bit of money to use towards a down payment. But guess what? It's not enough! Ugh!

I knew with my lack of credit (I haven't borrowed money in years, not on paper anyway ;) ) it was going to be an uphill battle but I thought that if I found something inexpensive, aka used, that I would be in a position to negotiate with a little bit of money down. Not so. I need twice what I have to get the car I actually liked and thought I could afford --a 97 Nissan Maxima. But get this, if I buy something NEWER and MORE EXPENSIVE I have a better chance of getting financed, even though some dealerships were still wanting me to get a co-signer. Not gonna do that.

So I guess God is saying I need to wait a little while longer. Just because I'm desperate doesn't mean I'm stupid. I'm not going to make a mistake with money again, I already am not liking the fact that I'm going to probably have a car payment. Who knows, maybe God is planning dropping me a GREAT deal soon.

But I did enjoy the day with my son. My sweet, precious son has been not only carting his mom around to work and back a lot of days but also took most of the day to go with me car shopping. Now you're probably thinking, "What does an 18 year old know about cars?" Well, in this case--a LOT.

If you remember, he's a freaking genius to start with--gonna major in Mechanical Engineering this Fall at 'Bama, got into Honors College, made a 29 on that ACT, does all his own car maintenance as well as some for other people and is currently working as a machinist this summer. But he also took his Chevy Blazer completely apart after it was wrecked and completely rebuilt it! He may make a few dingy mistakes now and again (like leaving his wallet at home on occasion!) but this kid totally knows things most 18 year olds (and even this 41 year old) doesn't know! He remembers to look at things that I dont and knows the used car market well enough to keep me from making a huge mistake. In fact, he pissed off a few salesmen today!

So what's a mom to do with such an AMAZING son? Take him to lunch, at the very least! We enjoyed some yummy Habeneros and talked about politics, sports, funny movies, world events....it was so much fun. I miss living with my son. But I am SO PROUD of the man he has grown up to be! I am SO going to miss him (yes I know he'll only be 45 minutes away) when he moves to T-town but I'm SO EXCITED for all the opportunities that lay at his feet.

So while car shopping (and waiting to go car shopping--AGAIN!) TOTALLY SUCKS, my son is TOTALLY AMAZING!!!