21 Days of Prayer

Church of the Highlands is in the middle of our semi-annual 21 Days of Prayer and I have attended every morning prayer service except one because I was sick and my leg was so achy. I am so thankful for my amazing accountability partner, Kelli! She is there with me every morning. I think if not for her, I would have snoozed that alarm a few more times and just kept on sleeping, like I have many times in the past, and justified it with "they'll have it playing later and I'll just catch up". But it really has made a huge difference in my attitude and prayer life!  I hope I can KEEP getting up and putting God first each and every day!

During my prayer time, I have looked back through past entries in my prayer journal--some from a few years ago and some just a few months ago.  I'm still in the process of getting everything put online just in case the house burns down or something or for when I pass away, maybe one day my kids or future grandkids might be interested. I LOVE looking back on how God has answered or NOT answered many of my prayers. It is so evident of His greatness, His love, His knowing what's best for His children!

Here is a link to one:  Prayer Journal

I laughed when I read it. I remember that relationship and I'm SO GLAD it did not work out. I'm not saying he was a bad guy. Just not for me and now that I'm on the other side of it, I can see it so clearly!  Sadly, that wasn't the last time I was blinded by attraction (I can't even call it love!). And even though it STILL hurts and sometimes I don't react like I should, I am now able to get through broken relationships a little easier because I know He watches out for me. I pray for Him to remove things from my life that aren't meant for me. And though sometimes it's devastatingly disappointing, He always answers.

I was also tremendously blessed by Pastor Chris' message this past Sunday about the Prayer of Jabez.  I've seen the little book and heard about it before. Many of our old, traditional churches seem to shun away from what they deem as the prayer of prosperity. But Pastor Chris put it in context--prosperity is not a bad thing. It's what we do with it. We don't need to pray for more just to have more. We pray for more so that through us, others are blessed!  I have often said if I ever won the lottery, I would share! lol  Well, I would. There is SO MUCH NEED that seems to just stay on my heart which brings me to the next part of my post...

I had stepped away from doing a few things that I loved to do--serving on the Events team and serving in the homeless ministry. Physically, I couldn't serve on the Events team anymore because of my knees. Hopefully, after the right one gets fixed I can eventually go back to that.  But I stepped away from the homeless ministry because 1) I felt like I was trying to do too much--a problem that has always plagued me. When I was in school I wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING and pretty much was. I still have so many things I want to learn to do.  My mom always told me to pick a few things and be good at them instead of trying to do everything.  I know she has a point. But I just can't seem to do that and never could. I kind of know why now and I'll get to it in a little bit.  2)  The need was constant and overwhelming. I felt like I had to meet every need myself even though I knew that was impossible.

But one of the parts of the Prayer of Jabez tells us to pray for influence. 1 Chronicles 4:10 "...enlarge my territory..." In other words, STRETCH ME. Stretch me. Lord, You have placed all this on my heart but I can't do it alone as I am. I need You to stretch me. Go with me. Bring me help.

So there isn't ONE thing I have to choose. With the help of the Lord, I CAN do it all things! Phil 4:13. Lord, show me Your purpose for my life so I can live a life bigger than my own.  I was so excited to learn that I am not limited nor do I have to limit myself!

So I'm making plans to return to homeless ministry as soon as the 21 Days of Prayer are over, Wellhouse still has my application, I am back on the Dream Team but in another capacity (A team, not Events), I STILL have plans to partner with an orphanage in Guatemala and go on mission trips there and other places and I am making plans to start a dog rescue/foster.

If God has done so much in just 10 days, I cannot wait to see what He will reveal in the next 11!

Be blessed!

Post surgery and goals for the rest of the year...

So I'm 2 weeks post knee replacement surgery and I'm sitting up in bed on a Saturday after crocheting for a bit. I don't stay in bed all the time but the bed is the most comfortable place for me to get in and out of not to mention the temperature of my living room is freezing no matter what the thermostat is set on. Most days I go back and forth between the bed and the couch just depending on what position is most comfortable for my leg.

I'm doing very well with my physical therapy according to the PT's. I'm no longer using a walker at all and only use a cane sometimes. I'm able to bend my knee up to an 80 degree angle.  I've had a few remarks from family and friends about pushing myself to hard but the PT says pushing myself is what I need to be doing. Letting things set up is what gives most people permanent problems. And I'm not an elderly person that only needs to worry about walking around the house. I do enjoy crafts and things that keep me still for a period of time but for the most part, that's not me and y'all know that!  So it's looking like I'll have some Summer adventures after all and I could not be happier about that!

I won't, however, be able to get a garden going or chickens this year--that will have to wait and so will the completion of my dream backyard. But that's actually okay because those plans have had to change. Since Zamora Park closed to the public, I've decided to put in a pool next year. Nothing fancy, just a simple little pool for me to cool off with a float and adult beverages should I choose to do so!

I had considered for a brief moment, going to Highlands College for a ministry certificate. (I know, I said I was done with school! But are we ever really done with learning? Well, we shouldn't be!). 

But I found a program online that's free and so I've been doing that one instead. I'm also planning to go to tax school in the Fall, either at Jackson Hewitt or H & R Block so I can make extra money during tax season,  I still have a dream of getting my personal training certificate, too but obviously that's on the backburner for a bit while I recover.  I'm also working hard on my crafts and things and would one day like to have a booth somewhere. But to do that I have to stop keeping and giving away everything I make so I'll have enough to sell!

I am ready to go back to work! It's nice being still for a bit, making plans and pondering dreams, etc. But it can get awfully boring sometimes. I miss my coworkers and being able to feel like I've accomplished things day to day. I have my follow up appointment Tuesday morning and hopefully the doctor gives me the okay to go back to work. The only thing that worries me is that I'm really sore the mornings after I have PT so I may have to make some adjustments somewhere. 

Everyone else is doing well. I am blessed to have such great family and friends that have been by my side to help me through this. I can't wait to get back into a real gym and start working towards all my other goals. I feel like good things are ahead!

Be blessed,

The last big hoorah!!! (Before surgery)

A while back, I entered a contest that the Cleveland, Tennessee Chamber of Commerce was having on Facebook about "Why you need a weekend getaway".

I shared the story about me and my ex-husband and how we grew up together, were married for 21 years and still made a great effort to remain civil and co-parent our three amazing children. As such we are still very good friends and many people think we will eventually reconcile. I used to think that also, especially when going through cancer treatment in 2015 but God has shown me that He alone is in control and if anything is to happen it will be because He ordains it and it will be on His timetable--not mine.  I have learned to be content with that and as such, our relationship is better than ever. We like our time together. And we also like our time apart! But our relationship is like no one else's that I know--especially among divorced couples. Most can't stand the sight of each other let alone, still do things together without the kids.

Anyway, I won the contest! I won a night's stay at a local hotel, rafting for 2 on the Ocoee (which we LOVE) and dinner for 2 at a restaurant of our choosing.

This past weekend, we took our trip and had an amazing time!!!

We drove up directly after work on Friday and worried that the restaurant would close, we had dinner first at Aubrey's.  I had the BEST CRAB CAKES EVER!!! Most of the time when I order crab cakes anywhere they are full of vegetables and other filling that there is hardly any crab at all. Not these. These were divine.  Jeff had a tuna sandwich but it was not like the kind one makes at home--it was a big tuna steak. He said it was great and that man is picky about his fish!

Then we checked into our hotel, Wingate by Wyndham in Interstate Drive and it didn't take long to fall asleep. It was clean and comfortable and we were tired!

We had breakfast at Cracker Barrel the next morning and then drove around just looking at the quaint little town and enjoying all the beautiful scenery!

When it was time for our rafting trip we had no trouble finding Big Frog Expeditions and the weather had been great all day but low and behold, about 1/8 of the way down the river it started storming. I knew we would continue rafting in rain but I wasn't sure what the protocol was for lightening. I could just visualize my Maw Maw rolling over in her grave at the thought of me on water during a storm. But the guide said we really were in the safest place possible. Getting out and standing under a tree wouldn't be any better because lightening would most likely strike the highest point and a tree is definitely higher than water. But even more probable would be that it would strike a mountain somewhere. Okay by me. I know the Lord Jesus Christ and have accepted Him as my Savior. And after you beat cancer, you tend to not be scared of much. I could definitely think of worse ways to die than going down a beautiful river. Oh how I love rivers. You get to see so much of His wonderful creation that you can't see from the road. And the rivers are always changing. You never take the same trip twice. Anyway, the storm definitely added to the adventure.

When we saw these pictures, Jeff laughed at me for waving! But I've done this many times before and I'd much rather be smiling and waving than looking like this:

When we got out of the river we had to wait a little bit before our bus came to pick us up and it turned out the road was blocked preventing the bus from getting to us so another bus gave us a lift. On the way back to the outfitter, we saw lines and trees down everywhere and we realized the storm did indeed get pretty bad. 

After a shower and dry clothes, one of the outfitter's employees had her dogs there. Well, you know I'm all about a dog! If one is within a mile radius of me, it's my new best friend! 

Then we headed back to the 'ham! I would have loved to have went horseback riding and many other things but there wasn't time. We had a great time though and hope we can make it back this year as soon as I am up and around again!

Keeping It Real

This post is inspired by a great woman and friend that I admire very much--my former pastor's wife. She shared on social media all her current struggles as a kindness to let others know she doesn't always have it figured out. None of us do. Even when we THINK we do, we often don't because we can't see what God sees.  An old Sunday School teacher once explained that the difference between what we see and what God sees is like an iceberg. We can only see what's above the surface of the ocean. But God can see the whole iceberg and when we let Him steer the ship, we navigate better.

It's hard, especially for control freaks like me, to do this all the time. God puts things on my heart and I have yet to learn how to let Him work it all out in due time. Once He gives me something, I tend to just run with it, working out all the details and satisfying the obsessive-compulsive planner within.  And even though I know better, I'm still having to learn that that is NOT His way.

I had so many goals at the beginning of this year:

1) Go on a mission trip.

2) Learn to whitewater kayak.

3) Learn to ride a motorcycle.

4) Begin writing a book.

5) Get a new/new to me car.

6) Plant a garden.

7) Raise some chickens.

8) Go on some long hiking/camping trips.

9) Master kickboxing.

10) Get a ministry leadership training certificate.

11) Go to the beach at least once.

12) Look at other employment opportunities just to see what's out there.

13) Lose a lot of weight!

I did learn to ride. I have planted a few things. But everything else has been completely derailed by the fact that in a few weeks I have to have surgery.

Yes, I am having total knee replacement. Eventually both knees will have to be done but we are starting with the right knee. I had bilateral release knee surgery on both knees in 2010 to correct kneecaps that were off-center and causing a lot of pain. It didn't work. I did all of my physical therapy and the kneecaps floated closer back to where they were supposed to be but not completely. I continued to have pain and difficulty doing certain things. Joint fluid replacement and steroid shots helped some. Ice and anti-inflammatory meds helped some. But I've exhausted those options to the point where they no longer provide any relief. I have pushed through the pain and paid for it and now and I can no longer go from sitting to standing to sitting easily.  I've gotten three professional opinions. My current doctor is young like me and promises that if I do my PT, I will once again be able to do all of the active things that I love. Or I could wait another 10 years, be miserable and then get it done meanwhile putting my heart and lungs at risk by being inactive.

So after careful consideration and prayer, I'm going to have it done. I'm hoping to get them both done before the year is out but we will have to wait and see how it goes with the first one. 

So most of what I had planned for this year is out the window. But that's okay. I can still do some of those things. But to "keep it real", here are my current worries:

1) I have about 1 1/2 weeks of PTO. I'm hoping to be back at work within 2 weeks post surgery. My doctor said that's a little ambitious but possible. 

2) I'm looking at several hundred dollars out of pocket. I have good insurance and supplemental insurance. But my PT isn't completely covered. My BFF and I have discussed other options so we'll see how that goes.

3) I won't be able to drive for 5 weeks. 

4) My precious mustang is on its last legs. I love that car. But I'm not sure how much longer it's going to last me before it has to be replaced and unfortunately that means debt.

5) I need around $800 worth of out-of-pocket dental work (at least) to repair damage done during radiation 3 years ago.

I know that God will provide as He always has. But I'm human and can't keep my mind from wandering off to worryland every once in a while. To bring myself back to reality, I remind myself that:

1) I have a great job with supportive boss and co-workers, great insurance and my salary meets my everyday needs and some of my wants.

2) I have a great family and I know I can count on their help, including my ex-husband.

3) I have great friends and I'm so thankful for them.

4) I'm otherwise healthy.

5) I have a brain and marketable skills as well as drive and determination.

6) I have a beautiful home.

7) I have a great church and church family and many prayer warriors.

8) I have an awesome Savior that cares as much about the little things as He does the big things and I hope you will remember that as well!  The Bible says we have not because we ask not! Don't be afraid to ask! Nothing is too big or too small for God!

Be blessed!

Laziness

Hey friends!

Not much going on with me right now--watching my Littles play some awesome baseball, training to do whitewater kayaking, nursing a few injuries (nothing major) and still praying for many things, including Guatemala and what the Lord wants me to do next.

Sometimes I become so content with this wonderful life God has blessed me with that I also become complacent. Or downright lazy.

Physically, trying to take care of my injuries I've gotten so out of shape. I'm not motivated to exercise in the ways that I am still able to--swimming or biking. I guess subconsciously I'm perturbed that I can't walk, dance or kickbox for exercise and I'm throwing a silent fit and rebelliously becoming a slug. I've got to get over that! If not, I may not even fit into a kayak much longer!

Mentally, I've been vegging in front of the TV and binge-watching some new shows instead of reading my 1-2 books a month like I usually do. I rationalize that I did SO MUCH reading for grad school (and I did) that I deserve a reading break. Break over.

Spiritually, I'm so at peace right now that I've gotten to where my prayers are mostly in passing--God, please bless so and so with a new job; please comfort the X family during this time of loss; please intervene and restore (whoever's) marriage (seriously there are so many in jeopardy right now).  It's been a while since I've sat in deep meditation and prayer for more than a few minutes let alone actually getting on my knees (which hurt right now!)  I justify it to myself sometimes with the knowledge that God knows every thought, every need--why do I need to tell him. And even though I already know these answers, I need reminding sometimes and somebody else may also need to know so it bears repeating. This wonderful lady explains it so much better than I ever could. So see below excerpts from melanieredd.com as well as some of my thoughts interjected here and there and enjoy!

So, why do we pray? 

He’s almighty, sovereign, and in control of all things. What could we possibly add to His wisdom with our feeble attempts at prayer? It’s a great question.

First, we pray because we are God’s children, and He LOVES to hear from us.

“FOR THE LORD, YOUR GOD IS LIVING AMONG YOU. HE IS A MIGHTY SAVIOR. HE WILL TAKE DELIGHT IN YOU WITH GLADNESS. WITH HIS LOVE, HE WILL CALM ALL YOUR FEARS. HE WILL REJOICE OVER YOU WITH JOYFUL SONGS.” 

From me:  I can remember when my kids were little. As their mother, I often knew what they wanted when they approached me without them having to say a word. But I still loved hearing them ask. It gave me great joy for them to request something from me and even greater joy when it was something I could grant. Of course there were times when I couldn't give them what they wanted--either for their own good (No, you cannot ride your bike in the middle of the street!) or the good of the family (sorry, we cannot get you this expensive toy at the moment because doing so would mean we don't pay our electricity bill this month!) 

Our God is the same way. When we make time for Him and call on Him, He loves it! Truly, our voices and our prayers are a sweet sound in His ears. 

Second, we pray because it deepens our trust in God Prayer changes us! 

It increases our faith! To take our requests, our needs, our concerns, and our hurts to the Lord in prayer brings about change in us. When we dump our cares on the Lord, we rise up with peace and with a resolve that we didn’t have before we prayed. Consider the words of Philippians 4:6-7:

“DON’T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING; INSTEAD, PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING. TELL GOD WHAT YOU NEED, AND THANK HIM FOR ALL HE HAS DONE.THEN YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GOD’S PEACE, WHICH EXCEEDS ANYTHING WE CAN UNDERSTAND. HIS PEACE WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS AS YOU LIVE IN CHRIST JESUS.” 

Truly, to pray is to cast our cares on the Lord and trust Him completely.

Third, we pray because it causes us to depend on God. 

We pray because prayer reminds us that God is the Creator and we are His creation. There is something humbling about prayer. To acknowledge that God is God and we are not—this is such a positive and a healthy thing for us to do. Prayer limits our pride and our self-reliance. Prayer helps us to turn our attention back to heaven. In Isaiah 40, we are reminded of the greatness of our God. Verse 26 tells us:

“LOOK UP INTO THE HEAVENS.WHO CREATED ALL THE STARS? HE BRINGS THEM OUT LIKE AN ARMY, ONE AFTER ANOTHER, CALLING EACH BY ITS NAME. BECAUSE OF HIS GREAT POWER AND INCOMPARABLE STRENGTH, NOT A SINGLE ONE IS MISSING.” 

Truly, we pray because it takes our dependence off of ourselves and places it on the Lord.

Fourth, we pray because it gives us the chance to express ourselves completely to the Lord.

There is healing in the expression – in the pouring out! “O my people, trust in him at all times. "In our honesty with our heavenly Father, we find healing, help, and wholeness. Prayer is a healing and restorative process. Truly, our honest prayers can bring better health to our lives.

Fifth, we pray because our prayers move the heart of God.

There is something about our prayers that changes, impacts, and affects the way that God acts. Scripture teaches us about this principle and encourages us to fervently pray. In James 4:2, we are told: 

"YET YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU DON’T ASK GOD FOR IT.” 

And, often, this is a good thing. We will not be able to determine how our God will answer our prayers, but we are instructed over and over in the Bible to pray. When we pray, God responds. Our prayers impact the heart of the Lord. And, our only job is to pray. God is the one who must answer the prayers. That is His job and His responsibility. Truly, our prayers influence the heart of God.

Sixth, we pray because it’s an amazing way that we get to be involved with what God is already doing in our world.

Through our prayers, God works to heal, save, help, and assist other people. We pray because it allows us to participate in God’s work around the globe. To pray is to do ministry. To pray is to serve the Lord and others. Throughout Paul’s ministry, he was constantly asking for prayer and being supported by the believers in prayer. In 1 Thessalonians 5:25, Paul simply writes:

“BRETHREN, PRAY FOR US.” 

Truly, to pray is to get “in” on what God is doing around the world.

Inside my head...

I wish sometimes I could show some others all the different thoughts going through my head at the same time! No, I'm not crazy (Well, maybe just regular crazy, not certifiable. Not at the moment anyway!) and maybe I do have a touch of ADD/OCD. But from what I've always read and heard, this is how most women are. My singles church group once read the book, Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel which explains so well how women's brains work. If you were to picture a plate of spaghetti and attempted to follow one noodle, you would undoubtedly intersect with many other noodles before you get to the end. These noodles represent thoughts in the brain of a woman--each individual thought we have leads to so many other thoughts!  Some refer to this as "going off on a rabbit trail".

So one of the thoughts that I've been pondering since before the end of last year is ministry. We are ALL called to be ministers. Some do it professionally by being a pastor or missionary but others play more subtle roles in the Kingdom. Often roles change and that's okay as long as we are going wherever God tells us to go and doing what He puts on our hearts to do.

A long time ago, God gave me a heart for homeless people. It came from a few different experiences in life. A few different times after my divorce had it not been for a few good friends, I could have been homeless myself.  Even though I'm no longer in communication with some, I am eternally grateful for their provision during that time I was struggling to get my feet on solid ground and navigate the course of my new life. 

Another time, due to some poor decisions, I spent a few nights in the county jail. It's a long story and charges were subsequently dropped but I'm thankful for the experience because I managed to find a lesson in the experience. I was locked up with women who led lives that broke my heart. So many were THANKFUL to be in jail because they had a warm place to sleep and food to eat.  To me, a thin mattress on the floor with a sheet and a pillow was terrible. But to them, it was better than what awaited them on the outside--either sleeping on the street or in the bed of someone that would abuse them. To me, that food was inedible--I seriously could have used the cornbread as a weapon! But to them, it meant not having to do unspeakable things just to have something on their stomachs.

After I was released and got my proverbial ducks realigned, I decided that was my calling--to make sure no one ever thought jail was a good place to be.  I served for the next few years with various groups that provided clothing, toiletries, meals and above all, fellowship to individuals and families living on the streets of downtown Birmingham. Some I saw regularly and became close friends of mine. Some I only saw once before they moved on (to where I have no idea). Each person had a different story. Some had been trafficked. Some were addicted. Some had just been released from prison and had nowhere to go. Some were mentally ill and had no one to help them. Some just couldn't handle basic life for some reason. Some had children with them. Some were married couples. Some were alone. But they were all children of God and that is how I chose to see them. It made no difference to me the circumstances that led them there--whether it was their own fault or not. That was between them and the Lord. My job was to simply love on them and provide whatever  I could.

As with anything, after awhile, it wears on you. The need is SO GREAT and the resources are SO FEW. It gets difficult asking the same people for the same things over and over again and you feel like they get tired of you asking them to help you help others and yet there is only so much you can do by yourself.  You feed them but their clothing and other personal items are constantly getting lost, stolen, broken, wet...and then they need medicine but can't get medicaid or it won't cover what they need. They need glasses. They have fees to pay to maintain their freedom. The list goes on and on. It feels like we are standing that the edge of the beach bailing out the ocean with a teaspoon.  And then when you have your own things going on in your life that drain you emotionally sometimes you get in a place where you feel like you have nothing to give. So you take a sabbatical and get with God and try to figure out if He wants to redirect you or just give you rest.

And since I've been resting I remember something else that was near and dear to my heart--Guatemala. In 2007 when I was homeschooling the girls, we were friends with a family that adopted a sweet baby girl from Guatemala. In 2008, UNICEF (and evil, evil organization that I want nothing to do with and nothing to do with anyone else that has anything to do with them!) went in and closed all international adoptions.  It is not in the culture of the Guatemalan people to adopt outside their families. I'm sure the severe poverty in that country plays a big part of it. But orphanages are now so overcrowded and underfunded that children and babies are literally being found abandoned on the streets. So I've been thinking about taking a mission trip there. Not that one little trip will do much but it's a start and I believe I've found an wonderful organization that I can form a partnership with to sponsor a child (or more), help on a regular basis and plan mission trips with. And as I'm looking through pictures, there are SO MANY kids that need help (thanks again, UNICEF, for adding to the problem!) that I'm having trouble deciding what to do and who to do it for. Obviously, I can't help them all even though I wish I could.

And so I realize that even though the subject is different, the problem remains the same: too much need and not enough availability.

It reminds me of one of my favorite stories in the Bible from Mark 14 when Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon the Leper and a woman came in with a jar of perfume and poured it on Jesus' head. The disciples chastised her telling her that the perfume could have been sold for money that could have been used to feed so many. But Jesus told them to leave her alone because the "poor with always be with you" and that we can help them any time we want. But that she "did what she could" by helping him prepare for burial.

I know the point of the story is that regardless of what all else we have going on, we need to make the Lord our priority. But I also take away from this that all I can do is what I can do. There is no way, not even if I won the powerball, would I be able to meet EVERY need of EVERY person. Only God can do that. I have to trust that He will call on others to help where I and others fall so very short.  And when others don't obey the call to help, well Jesus knew that would happen because he said, the poor would always be with us.

All of that to say that I am still praying and seeking His will regarding how He wants me to serve Him. I don't know if I will stay with serving the homeless, move toward missions in Guatemala or maybe both. But I would definitely appreciate you praying with me for discernment in this area. And I will let you know as soon as I know!

Thanks and many blessings,

3 years and still too soon...

It was about 3 years ago this month when I had a biopsy that would change my life. I didn't know it then though. The results were 99% benign. Leave it to me to be in the 1%.

It began a path that I never envisioned being on (not that anyone ever does) of surgery, radiation and recovery that took such a toll on my mind and my body that 3 years later, I'm still trying to "bounce back".

I STILL have nerve damage on the side of my face and head that is sometimes painful. I STILL have trouble stretching my jaw. I STILL have dental work that needs to be done as a result of the radiation to my head. I STILL get tired easily.

But more than the physical is the emotional and mental recovery. At the time I was diagnosed I was not afraid. Click  HERE to read my post-diagnosis thoughts.  And in my heart I'm still not. I know where I'll go and I am happy with the life I've lived for the most part.  But facing "the end" just does something to you it's difficult to describe or explain unless it actually happens to you.

Over this past weekend, I did a lot of what I refer to as "old lady things". They are hobbies I've had for awhile--painting (except painting rocks is new), crocheting, cooking, etc. but they are the things I do to slow myself down and occupy my time and mind when I'm not able to do the more active things like kayak, hike, travel, etc.

But while I was doing this I was watching a few things on my Netflix list and one movie was about a girl diagnosed with terminal cancer and she had just gotten engaged. She was worried about her fiance so she thought she would plan the rest of his life for him because she worried he wouldn't go on with his life unless she planned every detail. That so sounds like something I would do being the planner that I am!

But it was really too soon to watch that kind of movie. And it was really too soon to get a call from my doctor yesterday reminding me that my scan appointment is April 30.

Survivors live with what we refer to as "scanxiety".  And let me give you a few tips if you have a relative or close friend that either is a cancer patient or is a cancer survivor:

1) Stop saying "you will be fine".  Maybe we will be. Most likely we will be. But we've been told that and thought that before and we WEREN'T. We appreciate that you are trying to be positive and encouraging.  We understand you yourself do not want to deal with the fact that we might NOT be fine. But saying "you will be fine" just dismisses what we feel and we need to be allowed to feel whatever it is we're feeling--fear, depression, etc. You saying "you'll be fine" really just pisses us off.

2) Stop accusing us of "playing the cancer card". Trust me, NONE of us wants to "play the cancer card". We don't need or want your pity.  If we bring it up, it's for a reason. Maybe we can't meet your expectations in some way and feel like you need an explanation. I don't know. But don't accuse me of soliciting sympathy because I don't want or need your sympathy. Especially if it's fake.

3) Let us talk about what we're afraid of.  If we mention things like, "when I die..." or "one day when.." don't attempt to silence us because you don't want to deal with what WILL happen one day. After that day comes it will be too late for us to tell you what we wanted you to know.

There's so much more I could say, especially when someone is actually going through treatment--don't tell them that it could have been avoided if they had done this or not done that. We don't want to hear about what a conspiracy treatment is to get our money because they already actually have a cure. Really, you should just shut the hell up and say nothing because all of us are different and we never know what we want to hear! lol But definitely not those things .

So...knowing my particular type of cancer is slow growing but unpredictable and relentless and that there is a 30-60% chance of recurrence through metastasis somewhere else in my body, I eagerly await April 30 to know if I can breathe a little easier for at least six more months.  That's how we live--scan to scan.

Maybe that's why I live like I do--wide open and full throttle. I'm always eager to do things, learn things, etc. There is no point in sitting around planning for "someday", let's plan it NOW. Life is way too short.